Should I be p'd off about this?
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
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Should I be p'd off about this?
Cos I am...but that's probably the codie in me..
Was upstairs doing some work, ABF comes up says he's going to the bank to get come money out to pay the telephone/cable bill...asks me if there's enough money for him to go to the pub for a few pints..I say nope, there's just enough left to pay the cable bill. He says "ok" and goes downstairs, hear him leave about 10 mins later.
I come downstairs and my daughter says "He said to tell you he's gone to the pub, his mums sending some money up tomorrow, he won't be too long".
So basically I told him we couldn't afford it so he came down, phoned his mum (who is lovely but totally enables him and won't say no to him) asked her to send him some money because he wanted to go the pub.
So he'll be spending the phone/cable bill money and putting it back when his mum sends the money.
He does this quite often, I say we can't afford something so when I'm not here he rings his mum and gets her to foot the bill.
It REALLY piddles me off, he's an adult, he shouldn't be running begging to his mother for money but she won't say no, so he doesn't ever have to deal with not being able to afford something.
Should this bother me? It's his business right? I just find it embarrassing and annoying that he can do what he likes with our money because his mum will always bail him out.
Do I react? I'm actually thinking of going to stay at my mums tonight (she's away and her house is empty) just so I won't have to be around him this evening.
Was upstairs doing some work, ABF comes up says he's going to the bank to get come money out to pay the telephone/cable bill...asks me if there's enough money for him to go to the pub for a few pints..I say nope, there's just enough left to pay the cable bill. He says "ok" and goes downstairs, hear him leave about 10 mins later.
I come downstairs and my daughter says "He said to tell you he's gone to the pub, his mums sending some money up tomorrow, he won't be too long".
So basically I told him we couldn't afford it so he came down, phoned his mum (who is lovely but totally enables him and won't say no to him) asked her to send him some money because he wanted to go the pub.
So he'll be spending the phone/cable bill money and putting it back when his mum sends the money.
He does this quite often, I say we can't afford something so when I'm not here he rings his mum and gets her to foot the bill.
It REALLY piddles me off, he's an adult, he shouldn't be running begging to his mother for money but she won't say no, so he doesn't ever have to deal with not being able to afford something.
Should this bother me? It's his business right? I just find it embarrassing and annoying that he can do what he likes with our money because his mum will always bail him out.
Do I react? I'm actually thinking of going to stay at my mums tonight (she's away and her house is empty) just so I won't have to be around him this evening.
It is what it is
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
Yeah, I would be angry too, but I think you were right when you said it's the codie in you reacting. You want to control the situation because you don't like what's going on. Are you right that it's wrong his mother enables him? Yup. Is he wrong to run to his mom every time there isn't enough money for him to go out and drink it away? Yup. But you know that it's his decision and his life. I think the most you can say is how you feel about the situation without judgment and anger and then walk away. And don't say it again. But not until he is sober.
All of us living with actives have to decide what life we want. A life that is really two separate people living two separate lives with an active alcoholic or one without them involved and we are free to find someone without addicition problems. That is our choice one way or the other. That is the only choice we are free to make in this relationship.
Jenny
All of us living with actives have to decide what life we want. A life that is really two separate people living two separate lives with an active alcoholic or one without them involved and we are free to find someone without addicition problems. That is our choice one way or the other. That is the only choice we are free to make in this relationship.
Jenny
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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I find that the only time anger is helpful for me is when I use it as a reason to take positive action. So, it's really up to you if you want to be angry and stress yourself out and do nothing about it, or use it to your benefit.
L
L
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
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Yeah...think you're right about me wanting to control the situation...
The bill is in my name, so now I won't be able to pay it until the money from his mother arrives, which means the bill will be paid late and I'll incur a £10 penalty on my next bill (bet he won't be asking his mum to pay that!)
I know I shouldn't be angry, but the more I think of it the more it gets me riled, why bother asking me in the first place if he was gonna spend it anyway!
And now he'll come home all boozed up...I'm definately going to my mums, lol.
I've done pretty good with detaching so far, but this thing really winds me up, he' just taking advantage of his mother and it's not fair on her, but of course I couldn't tell her that and if I say to him he's using his mother he goes mad and tells me it's nothing to do with me...which I suppose it isn't but I feel like it reflects badly on all off us when he goes begging with his hand out. I just think "You're 35 for gods sake, grow up!!"
He did a similar thing last week....over spent at the pub and didn't have enough left to buy alcohol for him to drink at home...I had money for me that he didn't know about, and did I give it to him? Nope....I was tempted because he was really panicing about not having enough to drink but I thought to myself that he has to learn how to manage his money and because he overspent at the pub it's his fault he has to go without, so I said nothing about the money I had and let him go without...the only reason he never asked his mother was because it would take two days for the money to arrive and he needed it that night... He even asked me if he could borrow money I had set aside for my daughters school uniform...drives me mad that nothing else matters...but then I already know this, shouldn't let it bother me, right?
The bill is in my name, so now I won't be able to pay it until the money from his mother arrives, which means the bill will be paid late and I'll incur a £10 penalty on my next bill (bet he won't be asking his mum to pay that!)
I know I shouldn't be angry, but the more I think of it the more it gets me riled, why bother asking me in the first place if he was gonna spend it anyway!
And now he'll come home all boozed up...I'm definately going to my mums, lol.
I've done pretty good with detaching so far, but this thing really winds me up, he' just taking advantage of his mother and it's not fair on her, but of course I couldn't tell her that and if I say to him he's using his mother he goes mad and tells me it's nothing to do with me...which I suppose it isn't but I feel like it reflects badly on all off us when he goes begging with his hand out. I just think "You're 35 for gods sake, grow up!!"
He did a similar thing last week....over spent at the pub and didn't have enough left to buy alcohol for him to drink at home...I had money for me that he didn't know about, and did I give it to him? Nope....I was tempted because he was really panicing about not having enough to drink but I thought to myself that he has to learn how to manage his money and because he overspent at the pub it's his fault he has to go without, so I said nothing about the money I had and let him go without...the only reason he never asked his mother was because it would take two days for the money to arrive and he needed it that night... He even asked me if he could borrow money I had set aside for my daughters school uniform...drives me mad that nothing else matters...but then I already know this, shouldn't let it bother me, right?
It is what it is
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
I hear what you are saying, but it really only reflects badly on him. And I agree with parentrecovers when she says that he will just find someone else to enable him if not his mother. I would stay out of it.
However the fact that you will have a penalty and pay more money is a problem. Do you have to give him access to that account? Or can you open a new account to pay the bills from and not allow him access to that one? I wouldn't allow him to screw up my credit or force me to pay extra because of his irresponsibility.
And I do think you should be angry about this situation if you feel it. Just don't let it ruin your night. Be angry, state your point and move on from it. Anger is a healthy emotion.
However the fact that you will have a penalty and pay more money is a problem. Do you have to give him access to that account? Or can you open a new account to pay the bills from and not allow him access to that one? I wouldn't allow him to screw up my credit or force me to pay extra because of his irresponsibility.
And I do think you should be angry about this situation if you feel it. Just don't let it ruin your night. Be angry, state your point and move on from it. Anger is a healthy emotion.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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The bill is in your name, but the bank account is in both names? See anything wrong with that? There came a point in my marriage when I had to get my own bank account in my own name and have my paycheck deposited directly into it. He no longer had any access at all to my money. And all of a sudden, the bills got paid on time and there was even a little left over at the end of the month. Even though he was mad about it, it sure made my life a lot easier. Just something to think about.
L
L
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Some of you have heard this before...
My 1st wife thought a limit on a credit card was a "goal to be achieved!" If one card gets maxed out... no problem, just get another card! We were married 13 years and the 1st half of that we pooled out money, accounts, paychecks and debts. I finally got tired of being broke and did exactly what LTD did, separated our money. Of course we split the bills income proportionate. I had the lions share of the bills but after a while the bills got paid and there was extra left over.
When I married M I already had the separate funds thing going and was not going to change my attitude. Good thing cuz she would have cleaned out every account and maxed out the credit card if she could have.
You can call me a control freak if you want... what ever. Doesn't hurt my feelings one bit! I think anyone married to an active addict would be smart to move to separate accounts.
My 1st wife thought a limit on a credit card was a "goal to be achieved!" If one card gets maxed out... no problem, just get another card! We were married 13 years and the 1st half of that we pooled out money, accounts, paychecks and debts. I finally got tired of being broke and did exactly what LTD did, separated our money. Of course we split the bills income proportionate. I had the lions share of the bills but after a while the bills got paid and there was extra left over.
When I married M I already had the separate funds thing going and was not going to change my attitude. Good thing cuz she would have cleaned out every account and maxed out the credit card if she could have.
You can call me a control freak if you want... what ever. Doesn't hurt my feelings one bit! I think anyone married to an active addict would be smart to move to separate accounts.
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
Yeah, I'm going to. The account is mine, he just has the PIN for it...that's gonna change. I'm at my mums, we had a big fight and just grabbed some stuff and called a cab. He's just rang me slurring his words but being nice, asked if I was coming home, I pointed out that he was slurring his words and he said "Is that what you think?". i replied with "I can hear you doing it" and he got frosty and said he had to go. I'm prolly gonna stay here a couple of nights and just have some peace, watch what I want on tele, not have any mess to clear up and spend some time with my daughter, might even fill up the paddling pool and get the trampoline out!
Have realised today that what he does with his mother is his business, even though I feel embarrassed, I feel embarrassed for him I guess, because I'm not the one asking for money all the time. He said during the row he wouldn't have had to ask his mum if I hadn't "FORBID" it....I only said we couldn't afford it.
Never mind, I'll have a couple of days peace now, just hope he remembers to feed the cats :s
Have realised today that what he does with his mother is his business, even though I feel embarrassed, I feel embarrassed for him I guess, because I'm not the one asking for money all the time. He said during the row he wouldn't have had to ask his mum if I hadn't "FORBID" it....I only said we couldn't afford it.
Never mind, I'll have a couple of days peace now, just hope he remembers to feed the cats :s
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Join Date: Dec 2005
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My question to you is, is he the kind of a partner you wish to spend the rest of your life with? A man who does whatever he wants without regard for your feelings, a man who runs to his mommy for cash after he boozes yours away at the pub, a man who tries to borrow money set aside for a child's uniform!
It is in fact very embarrasing and I politely disagree with those that say it's his business and not yours. If you live in the same household and share the money, then you bet it's your business. Your name is on the bills, so ultimately you are the one responsible for late payments and it will affect YOUR credit standing. I would seriously consider removing your boyfriend from the bank account. I know this much--if a person is irresponsible with money, that lack of responsibility extends to other areas of his life, so make sure to take care of yourself.
It is in fact very embarrasing and I politely disagree with those that say it's his business and not yours. If you live in the same household and share the money, then you bet it's your business. Your name is on the bills, so ultimately you are the one responsible for late payments and it will affect YOUR credit standing. I would seriously consider removing your boyfriend from the bank account. I know this much--if a person is irresponsible with money, that lack of responsibility extends to other areas of his life, so make sure to take care of yourself.
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Jazzman, that's what we do, pool our money....but even though I have more money than him I still end up with nothing and every spare penny goes on him. i told him yesterday that we're gonna have to start splitting the finances because I was sick of having nothing to call my own and his reply was "Nahhh", lol.
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Anka...no he's not the type of person I envisage myself with. I love him but I think things are just too messed up to ever work out, unfortunately....i just don't seem to be ready to let go yet...I tell myself all the time that it has to end, just don't know how to end it or when I will. I think I'm scared of missing him, so have resigned myself to the fact that when I am ready I will do it.
Things normally just plod along and they're not so bad, not what I'd like them to be but ok. But he's been on a bender for the last few weeks and it's really starting to get to me even though I try with the detachment and can normally do it quite well things are just getting on top of me lately, hence the fight....I normally know much better than to fight with someone who's drunk!
Things normally just plod along and they're not so bad, not what I'd like them to be but ok. But he's been on a bender for the last few weeks and it's really starting to get to me even though I try with the detachment and can normally do it quite well things are just getting on top of me lately, hence the fight....I normally know much better than to fight with someone who's drunk!
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Just from my experience as an A, you could tell me no numerous times, where there's a will, there's a way. I could always find the money or someone to enable me. I was high-functioning, always made sure the bills got paid, but also made sure I had enough alcohol. Even if it meant my kids ate mac & cheese instead of a healthy meal.
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I think this is what p'd me off the most...it wasn't like he had no alcohol, he had some at home, he just wanted EXTRA money to go out to the pub...it was nothing to do with "needing" alcohol, he just fancied going out.
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Originally Posted by TheMissus 
I think this is what p'd me off the most...it wasn't like he had no alcohol, he had some at home, he just wanted EXTRA money to go out to the pub...it was nothing to do with "needing" alcohol, he just fancied going out.
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Originally Posted by TheMissus
I think this is what p'd me off the most...it wasn't like he had no alcohol, he had some at home, he just wanted EXTRA money to go out to the pub...it was nothing to do with "needing" alcohol, he just fancied going out.
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