ICU

Recently I celebrated 'living life again' by going to some concerts and meeting new people face-to-face that I had only talked on-line with before. I hadn't noticed any red flags in person, but now that has begun to change with one person who seems to be rude and short with me on-line. I can't think of a reason why, and believe me, I wracked my brain trying to figure it out....but only for about 3 minutes, LOL (a 'short' all time record for me). I mean, what better way is there to get my undivided attention than to be rude or short with me? (Old childhood training for sure)! That use to work with me every single time...apparently it still does.

At first I fell straight back into my old behaviors as I was absolutely convinced I must have done something wrong or insulted her somehow, and therefore, I MUST fix it. Then because I couldn't figure out why, I decided to be extra nice and complimentary towards her. When that failed to give me the results I was looking for, the 'alarm' went off, and finally stopped when I realized it wasn't in my power to fix.

I'm not turning myself into a pretzel to get someone to like me (been there, got the t-shirt), nor is her treatment of me a reflection of me. Maybe she's having a bad couple of days, maybe she doesn't like a new person in the crowd...who knows. But all of those potential reasons are her problems. I do not intend on allowing them to alter who I am or what I have worked for. I will be polite in the future, but will NOT go out of my way to get her to like me, or even to correspond with her.

I've just taken my first step at weeding through the new crowd and eliminating one that doesn't fit the criteria of 'enhancing my life'.

Granted, it's a small step in the 'application process' of recovery, but an important one none-the-less.

This recovery stuff is kinda cool, 'ya know? It actually works!!!

hbb

Good for you ICU....that is awesome! I had a similar experience with my "best friend" i use the term loosely!! She was being rude to me so i decided not to respond to her emails and low and behold a week went by and she contacted me! Of course like nothing happened but for the first time i stuck up for myself and didn't feed into her typical ways! It felt good. I'm done being a pushover and thinking i was wrong when clearly i didn't do a damn thing lol...good for you!!!

Barbara52

Good for both of you! That is no small accomplishment IMO.

FormerDoormat

For many years, I worked for a woman who for the most part treated me more like a best friend than a coworker. On occassion, though, she'd show up at work and ignore me all day. At first, I'd think that I must have done something or said something wrong but for the life of me I couldn't figure out what it might have been. After a day of silent treatment, she'd be her old chipper self.

This went on from time to time over the course of about 7 years. After this happened a few times, I stopped worrying about it. I figured that if she had a problem with me, she'd let me know. But since she wouldn't talk to me about it, I just assumed her silence had nothing to do with me. That way, I wouldn't let her silent treatment ruin my day. I'd later come to find out that most times she had a fight with her hubby and was so preoccupied by it that she ignored everyone at work.

This probably has nothing to do with you ICU. But regardless, it's still an unacceptable way to treat a friend. These days, I prefer to surround myself with people who treat me respectfully, even when they're having a bad day. Glad you're doing the same.

You ROCK!

kglast

You rock too FD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ICU

It's the same kind of thing Jill...and you're situation too hbb...good for you both!

Looking back and taking it a little bit deeper, my old lack of self worth was directly linked with how other people treated me and what they thought of me...always thinking that "I" was the problem, and that "I" caused it. I'm not saying that I never caused any problems, heck, I'm not perfect and my halo is certainly a little bent and cinged, LOL! But I certainly wasn't responsible as many times as I held myself accountable for.

Instead of being 'self-focused' (something I was always taught was a selfish way to be) I would spend so much time oberserving other peoples' moods and treatment of me. I would always ask myself "How can 'I' change or what should 'I' do to make them like and approve of me again"? I can certainly see how my codie behaviors got their nurishment!

Here's an "if only" for 'ya....."if only I had been aware of this while I was still with my ex....how much easier it would have been on me. How much 'less personally' I would have taken everything he had dished out". Actually, that applies to more people in my life than I can count. What is it they say about hindsight???

I'm glad I'm beginning to put into practice some of the more positive behavioral changes that I've been working on. I may have spent the last 2+ years isolating, but, it's been the most productive, life altering time of my life. If given the choice between being who I am know or going back in time...even to just 2 1/2 years ago, I would choose to be right where I am. Damn, does that sound healthy or what???? Does someone have a cure for that?? LOL!