Techie1701

Sorry, not sure what to say, except that I've had enough of this. It may just be pregnancy hormones talking!

DH is trying to give up cigarettes, and is reading Allan Carrs easy way to stop smoking. Since he finds that drinking and smoking are connected, and the book recommends not stopping smoking until you finish the book, he has been drinking every evening since Sunday. I came home Friday and Tuesday to find he had started drinking already, not a lot, but he is a SAHD to our two children. I find him drinking when on his own with them completely unacceptable, but he doesn't really see it. He had been drinking about twice a week, but his drinking has been a source of disagreement for some time, almost as long as i've known him. Hisnreason for not getting professional help, is that if he does he won't be able to get life insurance.

He hasn't worked in 7 years.

Edited to add a little more detail, he has never been violent, drunk or not. He does get staggeringly drunk on about two cans. He drinks at home, reading or watching television. I went to two al-anon meetings about 4 years ago, but didn't find them good, and didn't go back. I have a list of meetings in my area, I just haven't gone.

I feel like it's time to leave, it seems a bit extreme as he's a happy drunk, but I can't describe how upsetting the whole thing is.

ICU

Right now it seems as though you are the one having the problem with his drinking and he doesn't seem to agree that it's an issue. That's not a criticism...it's usually the way it goes. Alanon might be able to help you, for you are the only person who can.

They usually say to try at least 6 Alanon meetings before you decide if it's for you or not. Try different ones in different areas to see which one(s) you feel more comfortable in.

Keep coming back.

Almost forgot, welcome to SR. Glad you found us!

Mr. Christian

Now wait a tick,
you say he has not held a job for 7 yrs and just sits around all day and drinks?

What are you waiting for?

Yeah get to those meetings and learn why you do put up with that.

Wow, why cant I find a woman to keep me so I can just sit on my butt all day.

denny57

I checked out the book - it's 224 pages. How long can that take?

prodigal

Yes, you DO have a problem - and it appears to be an unhousebroken elephant that has taken up residence in your living room. It appears that elephant is making one HUGE mess and everybody is just stepping over mountains of elephant poo, pretending that it ain't there..

Mr. C. brought up a point that needs some clarification. Your husband hasn't worked in SEVEN years??? If he's on some sort of disability, then I can understand the lack of employment, but if he's in reasonably good health ... then why the heck are you finding it acceptable to support man who isn't gainfully employed? As I said, if he's got some sort of disability, then I could understand it, but even disabled people (some, not all) can work.

Run, do not walk, to the nearest Al-Anon meeting. You need to find out why YOU are tolerating this nonsense.

And, P.S. - happy drunk or not - is no excuse to put up with a drunk. Period. For all I know maybe he's so doggone happy because he can sit around all day while someone else supports him.

LaTeeDa

I have to chime in here. The original post specifically stated that he was a stay-at-home dad. Nowhere did it say he was a lazy bum sitting around on his butt while she supported him. I don't condone his drinking or his behavior, but I do not think being a full-time parent to small children equals sitting around on your butt being supported. I know, because I have done it and it is not easy by any stretch. If it were a man posting about his wife who was a stay at home mom, I bet these judgements would be a lot different.

JMHO,
L

Mr. Christian

I see your point Latee, but drink and kids do not mix however you look at it.

FormerDoormat

"He hasn't worked in 7 years."

Based on the above, I'd say you have a problem: you have a vagrant in your home.

No offense, LTD, but I'd be willing to bet that a man with a drinking problem who's been unemployed for 7 years is a stay-at-home dad by default, not by choice.

Barbara52

I would find it totally unacceptable for a stay at home parent to be drinking while solely in charge of and caring for the kids.

GlassPrisoner

There's an alcoholics' solution if ever I did see one.......

"Hmm, I need to quit drinking, so I'll quit smoking using the quick and easy way. Therefore, I won't want to drink anymore ! And, the book says to keep smoking while I read it, so I'll just keep drinking too....."

Makes perfect sense to me

keepingmyjoy

techie, welcome. So glad you found us. Congrats on your pregancy. I am sorry you are going through this. I also have a little one....you should really pay attention to that feeling you have about maybe it's time to leave. Mine used to drink with little one when I was not home. Came home a few times and beat myself silly for leaving little guy with him when I saw the state he was in. Now...NEVER do I leave little guy with him if he is drinking, and only short times when I do, in case he starts.

So glad you are here. Very good people here.

LaTeeDa

As I said, I don't condone drinking while caring for the children. I never did it when I was a stay at home parent, and I don't think it's okay for anyone else to do it either. I guess it's just a sore spot for me that stay at home dads don't get anywhere near the respect that stay at home moms do.

And I don't think it's anyone's place here to judge if he is a lazy bum, or a full time parent 'by default', or anything else. I believe that each family has a right to work things out the best way they can. If that means the father stays at home while the mother works, so be it. Truth be told, I would have preferred that situation if I had my preferences. Working a 40 hour week is actually a lot easier than being a parent 24/7! Stay at home parents don't get time off or vacation days and the work day never ends.

Anyway, I would like to see this board support the spouse who is seeking help, not judging the family situation or assuming the stay at home parent is a lazy good-for-nothing. Regardless of whether it is a man or a woman. That's all I was getting at. I will climb down off my soapbox now.

L

prodigal

I agree with FD on this one and respectfully disagree with you, LTD. The man gets "staggeringly drunk" after consuming "about two cans." His wife is upset by his alcohol consumption. He sits around the house during the day READING AND WATCHING TELEVISION. Is he reading stories to his children? Is he watching The Disney Channel? He's currently reading a book that deals with quitting smoking.

Is he engaging in interactive playtime with the children during his day? He sits in front of the television set and reads. Does he take his children out for fresh air to a local park or playground?

Sorry, LTD, but that did NOT come across in the original post. I applaud anyone who undertakes the challenge of staying home and raising children - it is a full-time job 24/7. I don't think that job description includes consuming alcohol or vegging out in front of the tube.

Techie1701

Thanks for all the advice, I'll try to clear a few things up.

DH last worked fulltime in 2000. We had our first child 3 years later. He worked at two part time jobs in that time, for about 6 months each. He has never been able to explain why he didn't look for fulltime work during this time (or rather why he looked for work for a short while and stopped). He takes very good care of the children during the day, plays with them, takes them to the park, cycling etc. He hasn't drunk while on his own with them before, except for last Friday and Tuesday (yesterday), which is why I've suddenly had enough. Yep, working is waaay easier than being at home with the babies, but I would like to have a chance to spend time at home too. Where I work is very flexible and offers a lot of reduced hours, but this isn't really on if we only have one income coming in, IYKWIM. I do feel a bit selfish about all this, after all if I was a SAHM, I would be a bit peeved if my H wanted me to go back to work all of a sudden. At this stage, childcare for three kids under 4 will be expensive.

nan07

Sounds like it's time to hash this out with your husband. I would go ahead and tell him that his drinking is problematic, period. I don't know how much he drinks in a day but if he's wasted on two beers, any amount is too much. Also, he should be working at least part time so that you can enjoy some time at home, too. This relationship has to work for you as well as for him. Even if he's not violent while drinking it doesn't matter. It's distressing to you and it's unhealthy. Take care...

FormerDoormat

You mean not judge others like you have just done to those of us who feel differently than you, LTD? The poster asked for opinions, and I gave mine. This is a discussion forum, where everyone's opinion should be respected, even those you disagree with. The poster is an adult and can draw her own conclusions from the offerings in this thread. The situation as it now stands is obviously not working for her, or she wouldn't be seeking help. And now that the original poster has provided more details--specifically that her husband was unemployed before the children arrived, I stand by my original assessment. She has a vagrant in her home.

parentrecovers

when is your baby due, techie?

(please remember this about the disease of alcoholism - it is progressive. if is drinking is escalating, there's a real good chance it will continue to do so. keep you and your sweet children safe..)

nice to meet you, keep posting - k

LaTeeDa

I'm sorry if you felt I was judging you, FD. I'm not. I am just a bit perplexed as to why 'hate the disease, not the person' doesn't seem to apply here. And why you feel the need to call someone you know very little about a 'vagrant.'

And I believe there are probably quite a few stay at home moms out there who haven't worked for many years either. Are they also vagrants?

L

prodigal

techie, thank you so much for clarifying what the situation is in your home. It sounds as if your husband is taking good care of your children. I appreciate you clearing that up for me, because I was making assumptions that were not based on actual facts.

HOWEVER .... his drinking sounds as if it's starting to progress. I think you have a right to be concerned about that. Also, this not working "thing" which he has not been able to explain ... that sounds like a biggie to me. What type of responses has he given you, if any, for not going to an employment agency, answering ads online or in the paper, networking with former coworkers or friends?

The lack of motivation for seeking employment sounds like the biggest piece of elephant poo everybody is tip-toeing around. I understand that daycare is pricey, but does your husband have the skills to get a decent-paying job? Are there jobs in your area for which he is qualified? teachie, I gotta be upfront with you on this - it sounds like he doesn't want to work to me. Although handling three children is one heckuva hard job, it sounds like you could use the additional financial support. In fact, maybe this is more of a communication problem. You don't seem to have a clear-cut idea as to why he stopped working. Did you ever discuss the fact that you should work while he stayed home?

I don't want to appear to be interrogating you, but on a gut level for me, something just doesn't jibe .... Does he keep the house clean, do laundry, prepare meals? Would you prefer to be the caretaking parent and have him out working? I'm worried that he may be "treating" himself to a few drinks while you're at work.

Please give a bit more info. I have made some assumptions and I'd prefer to respond to details from you. Post when you have the opportunity to do so.

cagefree

Even they your hormones are talking, your feelings are no less valid then before. (congrats!)


Drunks all end up in the same place, be it happy drunk, sad drunk, mean drunk, etc. If you find the situation upsetting, perhaps you should forget about what he's doing and ask yourself, without invalidating your feelings and instincts, why you are staying in an upsetting environment?

Take care of yourself (((techie)))