Do I have a problem?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Green,green grass of home
Posts: 600
Hi and welcome!!!
Try Al-anon again.it is through working the 12 steps,that one can make clearer and more sound decisions for one-self.His drinking is bothering---you.There is the issue.There is help,hope in recovery.You are no longer all alone.
Try Al-anon again.it is through working the 12 steps,that one can make clearer and more sound decisions for one-self.His drinking is bothering---you.There is the issue.There is help,hope in recovery.You are no longer all alone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 72
First of all I want to say thanks to all who replied to me, especially the people who disagreed with me/each other, it all helps when trying to get this stuff into perspective!!
What I really want is for everyone here to give me the go-ahead to beat him over the head with a beer can until he agrees to do everything my way. But that aint really going to happen is it?
I have read the replies, and I have been thinking about what I wanted to say/where I want to go from here, so if my replies are slow and rambling, that's the reason why.
To answer my own question, of course there's a problem, we've known that for years. I am reading 'Co-dependant no more', and slowly getting my head around organising myself to go to an al-anon meeting. I understand to a degree what the problem is, and what DOESN'T work for fixing it. What I haven't gotten yet is what I can do, what I can't do, and what I should do and what I shouldn't do. I was very upset and angry when I posted the first message, I've calmed down a lot since then.
DH and I seem to be in a spiral where his drinking upsets me, I give out to him and ask around (not so much in real life, as these are people who know DH too IYKWIM) for what I should do, he agrees to reduce/eliminate the particular behaviour that has upset me, and things are calm until the next crisis. I would like to stop this, but I'm not sure how to.
After his drinking with the kids, I eventually sat him down and said I wanted to separate, he asked me to wait until next Monday to discuss it (he was drunk, but I had been waiting 3 days to talk to him sober so I went ahead and talked to him. I make a point of not talking to him when he’s been drinking). He was out last night (he very rarely goes out, and I like the friend he was meeting, so I was happy with that, though I wish he wasn’t drinking), he tried to pick a fight at 1am about the fact that he’s had a hard year (his mother died this year, I miss her a lot, lovely woman) and now that he’s found a way to give up drink and cigarettes I f*ck it up. I refused to discuss it, and invoked the ‘we’ll talk on Monday’ agreement. I don’t know if I should have discussed it or not, but my experience of drunken discussions is that they are a bit pointless, so I went to sleep.
To answer specific questions (as much as I can!):
He is a SAHD more by default (why would we pay childcare with a parent at home??) than by design. He is also very good at it. Is it selfish of me to want him to go back to work so that I can take some time off? If he was a SAHM, would people still be calling him a bum and demanding that he find work?
Nan07, we’ve discussed his drinking many times. I can’t remember exactly what solutions we came up with (does this happen to anyone else?). I try to discuss things with him as an adult, I’m not his mother or father and it isn’t up to me to police whether or not he lives up to what he agrees to. I think this is why I tend to forget agreements (though many of them, I think, are of the ‘I’ll try my best’ sort), I don’t want to get upset if they don’t work out.
Parentrecovers: I’m about 4 months along, I’ve had two very straightforward pregnancies and deliveries, so far there is no indication this will be any different. While I realise pregnancy hormones do have an effect, I’m not an emotional mess (yet!). I’ve heard that line about alcoholism being a progressive illness, I have also come across a book (years ago from the library so I can’t remember the name now!) which said approx 1/3 alcoholics get worse, 1/3 stay the same and 1/3 improve. DHs drinking has improved over the years, when we first moved in together he went to the pub every evening, then he couldn’t go two days without drink, then he was down to twice a week for a long time. It has recently gotten worse, but it has been a tough year, he has lost both his mother and a cousin younger than him to lung cancer.
Prodigal, I don’t get the whole work thing either. It’s a gut feeling too, I can’t really describe it. I’ve been wary of digging too deep, as he was pushed to go to college and do well by his dad, and since we were able to get by it seems selfish to push him too, IYKWIM? He is qualified as an electronic engineer and has worked as a programmer/software engineer (I’m not too well up on the differences). I will think about this and get back. I know he isn’t drinking at home, I can hear it in his voice if he has any drinks.
I have to get back to work now, sorry to all those I didn't mention by name, I have read and reread your posts and they are all welcome.
What I really want is for everyone here to give me the go-ahead to beat him over the head with a beer can until he agrees to do everything my way. But that aint really going to happen is it?
I have read the replies, and I have been thinking about what I wanted to say/where I want to go from here, so if my replies are slow and rambling, that's the reason why.
To answer my own question, of course there's a problem, we've known that for years. I am reading 'Co-dependant no more', and slowly getting my head around organising myself to go to an al-anon meeting. I understand to a degree what the problem is, and what DOESN'T work for fixing it. What I haven't gotten yet is what I can do, what I can't do, and what I should do and what I shouldn't do. I was very upset and angry when I posted the first message, I've calmed down a lot since then.
DH and I seem to be in a spiral where his drinking upsets me, I give out to him and ask around (not so much in real life, as these are people who know DH too IYKWIM) for what I should do, he agrees to reduce/eliminate the particular behaviour that has upset me, and things are calm until the next crisis. I would like to stop this, but I'm not sure how to.
After his drinking with the kids, I eventually sat him down and said I wanted to separate, he asked me to wait until next Monday to discuss it (he was drunk, but I had been waiting 3 days to talk to him sober so I went ahead and talked to him. I make a point of not talking to him when he’s been drinking). He was out last night (he very rarely goes out, and I like the friend he was meeting, so I was happy with that, though I wish he wasn’t drinking), he tried to pick a fight at 1am about the fact that he’s had a hard year (his mother died this year, I miss her a lot, lovely woman) and now that he’s found a way to give up drink and cigarettes I f*ck it up. I refused to discuss it, and invoked the ‘we’ll talk on Monday’ agreement. I don’t know if I should have discussed it or not, but my experience of drunken discussions is that they are a bit pointless, so I went to sleep.
To answer specific questions (as much as I can!):
He is a SAHD more by default (why would we pay childcare with a parent at home??) than by design. He is also very good at it. Is it selfish of me to want him to go back to work so that I can take some time off? If he was a SAHM, would people still be calling him a bum and demanding that he find work?
Nan07, we’ve discussed his drinking many times. I can’t remember exactly what solutions we came up with (does this happen to anyone else?). I try to discuss things with him as an adult, I’m not his mother or father and it isn’t up to me to police whether or not he lives up to what he agrees to. I think this is why I tend to forget agreements (though many of them, I think, are of the ‘I’ll try my best’ sort), I don’t want to get upset if they don’t work out.
Parentrecovers: I’m about 4 months along, I’ve had two very straightforward pregnancies and deliveries, so far there is no indication this will be any different. While I realise pregnancy hormones do have an effect, I’m not an emotional mess (yet!). I’ve heard that line about alcoholism being a progressive illness, I have also come across a book (years ago from the library so I can’t remember the name now!) which said approx 1/3 alcoholics get worse, 1/3 stay the same and 1/3 improve. DHs drinking has improved over the years, when we first moved in together he went to the pub every evening, then he couldn’t go two days without drink, then he was down to twice a week for a long time. It has recently gotten worse, but it has been a tough year, he has lost both his mother and a cousin younger than him to lung cancer.
Prodigal, I don’t get the whole work thing either. It’s a gut feeling too, I can’t really describe it. I’ve been wary of digging too deep, as he was pushed to go to college and do well by his dad, and since we were able to get by it seems selfish to push him too, IYKWIM? He is qualified as an electronic engineer and has worked as a programmer/software engineer (I’m not too well up on the differences). I will think about this and get back. I know he isn’t drinking at home, I can hear it in his voice if he has any drinks.
I have to get back to work now, sorry to all those I didn't mention by name, I have read and reread your posts and they are all welcome.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Originally Posted by Techie1701 
What I haven't gotten yet is what I can do, what I can't do, and what I should do and what I shouldn't do.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...hlight=10+ways
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by Techie1701
I’ve been wary of digging too deep, as he was pushed to go to college and do well by his dad, and since we were able to get by it seems selfish to push him too, IYKWIM? He is qualified as an electronic engineer
I'd say enough about him - that's great he's a terrific SAHD. What I'm reading is you are not happy with the situation but worry you are being selfish to ask him to work so you can have some time off. Al-Anon and a very good therapist have helped me with that.
Keep posting - glad you're here!
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I’m so glad to see you back, Techie. I was going to just let this whole thread go, but since I know what triggered me about your original post and the subsequent replies, I have decided to try and explain it in hope that it might be helpful to you or someone else. (And I know it will be helpful to me to write it down. 
) Sorry in advance as this is likely to be a long post.
My story is long and complicated, as most are, and you can read it on this site if you wish. The short version is I was with my husband for 20 years, married for 18, and we have two children who are now 10 and almost 15. We have been separated for two years, he is not drinking any more, tried reconciliation, but are now divorcing.
Back to the original post—
Many years ago, before I realized I was married to an alcoholic, and before our lives became unmanageable, I was a stay at home mom for a total of about four years. Circumstances changed, my kids got older, we moved to another area, and it turned out that I got a good job while my husband couldn’t find decent paying work. The roles were reversed due to necessity, and he became a stay at home dad. It lasted for about six months. During that time, I was shocked and appalled at comments made to both him and me about “being kept,” “having it made,” “being supported by his wife,” “sitting on his butt,” and the list goes on and on. These comments were made by friends, family, and even total strangers when they found out about our situation. Not only were they very offensive to me, but I considered them to be totally sexist because not once had anyone made those type of comments when I was the stay at home parent.
Because of my H’s chosen profession, the area in which we lived, and the age of our children, his work was barely enough to cover daycare and the extra income tax. (His working pushed us into a higher bracket) Many times we fought over whether he should work or stay home with the children. I was in favor of him NOT working, he insisted that he must. My opinion was that it is much better for the children to spend their days with a loving parent than a paid caregiver, especially if there is no economic advantage. And, tbh, there was probably a part of me that wanted to stay home with the children, but since I could not, I wanted to live vicariously through him. I don’t know if the above mentioned comments and overall societal attitudes had anything to do with his refusal to stay home, or ultimately his lack of self-worth. I can assume that it wasn’t a positive, though.
So, there you have it, the reasons why I reacted so strongly to this thread and the replies made. The bottom line is this—it doesn’t matter one lick whether he works or stays home with the kids. Alcoholism knows no social or economic boundaries. It sounds like there are some problems in your marriage that may be there with or without the drinking. But, it is unlikely those will be solvable until the elephant in the living room is dealt with.
This is not something that has a quick fix. I don’t know what you should or shouldn’t do. It takes some soul-searching to figure out what is acceptable to you and how you wish to live. Forcing him into ‘agreements’ won’t work. He will be doing whatever to appease you, not because he sees he has a problem. Once you decide on your boundaries, then you have to ‘say what you mean, mean what you say, but don’t say it mean.”
The hard part about boundaries is sticking to them when they are broken. If you say something is unacceptable, and you will do X if it happens, then you must do X. This is why it is extremely important to do the soul-searching first.
I am happy to see that you are dealing with this now instead of 18 years later like I did. And I wish you the best.
L
) Sorry in advance as this is likely to be a long post.My story is long and complicated, as most are, and you can read it on this site if you wish. The short version is I was with my husband for 20 years, married for 18, and we have two children who are now 10 and almost 15. We have been separated for two years, he is not drinking any more, tried reconciliation, but are now divorcing.
Back to the original post—
Many years ago, before I realized I was married to an alcoholic, and before our lives became unmanageable, I was a stay at home mom for a total of about four years. Circumstances changed, my kids got older, we moved to another area, and it turned out that I got a good job while my husband couldn’t find decent paying work. The roles were reversed due to necessity, and he became a stay at home dad. It lasted for about six months. During that time, I was shocked and appalled at comments made to both him and me about “being kept,” “having it made,” “being supported by his wife,” “sitting on his butt,” and the list goes on and on. These comments were made by friends, family, and even total strangers when they found out about our situation. Not only were they very offensive to me, but I considered them to be totally sexist because not once had anyone made those type of comments when I was the stay at home parent.
Because of my H’s chosen profession, the area in which we lived, and the age of our children, his work was barely enough to cover daycare and the extra income tax. (His working pushed us into a higher bracket) Many times we fought over whether he should work or stay home with the children. I was in favor of him NOT working, he insisted that he must. My opinion was that it is much better for the children to spend their days with a loving parent than a paid caregiver, especially if there is no economic advantage. And, tbh, there was probably a part of me that wanted to stay home with the children, but since I could not, I wanted to live vicariously through him. I don’t know if the above mentioned comments and overall societal attitudes had anything to do with his refusal to stay home, or ultimately his lack of self-worth. I can assume that it wasn’t a positive, though.
So, there you have it, the reasons why I reacted so strongly to this thread and the replies made. The bottom line is this—it doesn’t matter one lick whether he works or stays home with the kids. Alcoholism knows no social or economic boundaries. It sounds like there are some problems in your marriage that may be there with or without the drinking. But, it is unlikely those will be solvable until the elephant in the living room is dealt with.
This is not something that has a quick fix. I don’t know what you should or shouldn’t do. It takes some soul-searching to figure out what is acceptable to you and how you wish to live. Forcing him into ‘agreements’ won’t work. He will be doing whatever to appease you, not because he sees he has a problem. Once you decide on your boundaries, then you have to ‘say what you mean, mean what you say, but don’t say it mean.”
The hard part about boundaries is sticking to them when they are broken. If you say something is unacceptable, and you will do X if it happens, then you must do X. This is why it is extremely important to do the soul-searching first.I am happy to see that you are dealing with this now instead of 18 years later like I did. And I wish you the best.
L
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 72
LTD, thanks for posting this, you've given me a lot of food for thought. If we didn't have the cloud of alcohol hanging over us, him being a SAHD would be good. I make enough money to give us a reasonable standard of living, and with young kids life is hectic enough without trying to get two people off to work, and three kids to childcare, in the mornings! He is a great guy, we have the makings of a great marriage, but I've been reading around the forum, and I'm not the first to say that, am I??
As for dealing with this now instead of later, the kids are young, but we've been together 16 years, married 10 this year, so it's been coming a long time.
Part of me would love to walk out the door. Just leave all the problems behind, but I think I need to work on me first. Things are OK for the moment, if I think the kids are in any kind of danger I'm out of here, but for right now that's not the case.
As for dealing with this now instead of later, the kids are young, but we've been together 16 years, married 10 this year, so it's been coming a long time.
Part of me would love to walk out the door. Just leave all the problems behind, but I think I need to work on me first. Things are OK for the moment, if I think the kids are in any kind of danger I'm out of here, but for right now that's not the case.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 72
Hi again. Things have improved, he's off cigarettes since last Monday, and the drinking stopped for the most part too. He had a few drinks on Sat night, I woke up at 5:10 and went looking for him, hate doing that. The 'Easy way to stop Smoking' can be found on amazon.co.uk, and probably .com, and I know a good few people in real life who have had sucess with it, in spite of the name it seems to work!
I seemed to be in slow motion over the weekend, and I found it hard to get up and go to work today. It finally dawned on me that I was falling into depression again. I'm annoyed with myself, I know I should go to al-anon, I feel I should read around the subject, but I can't motivate myself to do anything...
I seemed to be in slow motion over the weekend, and I found it hard to get up and go to work today. It finally dawned on me that I was falling into depression again. I'm annoyed with myself, I know I should go to al-anon, I feel I should read around the subject, but I can't motivate myself to do anything...
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Stopped drinking for the most part?
No such thing.
As far as Alanon goes you reealy need to get there.
Read what you just wrote a few times, that should be enough to get you moving.
No such thing.
As far as Alanon goes you reealy need to get there.
Read what you just wrote a few times, that should be enough to get you moving.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
A really good counselor who understands addiction and codependence did wonders for me. I wonder if I had gone sooner instead of waiting till I couldn't take it anymore..............maybe my marriage could have been saved. I'll never know. Something you may wish to consider, though.
L
L
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 72
Edited to add, I've found the old post and bumped it up, hope that's OK!
I've tried looking for my old post, but I can't seem to use the search function, so I'm posting new. I hope that's OK.
DH has not been drinking for two weeks, until this weekend when he was drinking Friday and Saturday night. He didn't drink a whole lot, he sat up for a few hours drinking and watching TV. I woke him up when the kids woke on Saturday as I had a migraine and wasn't able for them on my own, but let him sleep in to 9 on Sunday (with young kids that's a sleep in!).
I found by Sunday I was OK while he was asleep, but not able to plan anything when he was up. I was furious with him, but didn't know how to say it. I was expecting him to plan out the day, sort out the shopping and cooking, but didn't say it to him. He didn't drink Sunday night, but I spent the evening surfing the internet, not wanting to talk to him, or to do anything constructive. I'm beginning to realise that when he drinks I react by doing something self destructive. Not very self destructive, but reading/watching TV/surfing the internet (maily parenting sites and money managing sites). This has been my reaction to difficult times for years, I'm just realising how unhelpfull it is.
In spite of the fact that he isn't a 'bad' alcoholic, I'm not sure how much of this I can take. The sound of the tab opening on a can of soda gives me palpitations.
I've tried looking for my old post, but I can't seem to use the search function, so I'm posting new. I hope that's OK.
DH has not been drinking for two weeks, until this weekend when he was drinking Friday and Saturday night. He didn't drink a whole lot, he sat up for a few hours drinking and watching TV. I woke him up when the kids woke on Saturday as I had a migraine and wasn't able for them on my own, but let him sleep in to 9 on Sunday (with young kids that's a sleep in!).
I found by Sunday I was OK while he was asleep, but not able to plan anything when he was up. I was furious with him, but didn't know how to say it. I was expecting him to plan out the day, sort out the shopping and cooking, but didn't say it to him. He didn't drink Sunday night, but I spent the evening surfing the internet, not wanting to talk to him, or to do anything constructive. I'm beginning to realise that when he drinks I react by doing something self destructive. Not very self destructive, but reading/watching TV/surfing the internet (maily parenting sites and money managing sites). This has been my reaction to difficult times for years, I'm just realising how unhelpfull it is.
In spite of the fact that he isn't a 'bad' alcoholic, I'm not sure how much of this I can take. The sound of the tab opening on a can of soda gives me palpitations.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
Wow - what a topic....let me start off by saying "welcome to SR".... the questions really isn't should he work or should he not....the problem is the drinking that this man does and when. Sounds to me that if he could go back to the workforce he wouldn't. Alcoholics drink for many many actually ANY reason. When they are sad, upset, happy, whatever....they need no reason...but all claim that its not their fault cuz they have good reasons to drink because "their" situation is different and you would drink too if you had this or that going on in your life.....blah blah blah.....
He is an educated engineer......OMG - stop right there.......he is an educated engineer !!!!! And am I to understand that if he went back to work child care costs could not be met???? Hmmmmm..... Hmmmmmm.....whats wrong with this picture folks???
Even with this information.....it matters not. SHE has a problem with HIS drinking. And HER problem won't go away until she fixes "HER" problem. And something tells me she fully intends to.
But techie just know that the problem wont go away by itself...unless he is willing to help himself and stop rationalizing the whole situation he will never stop. He is giving himself too many reasons to keep drinking hun. And by making excuses for him like the passing of family members......this only feeds him along his road to perdition hun.....detach all the way. Your children including the one you are carrying deserve a sober husband and father. And just maybe when he is sober that life demands his rejoining the workforce so that you can get ahead instead of just maintaining...
Stick around and read read read ok...
He is an educated engineer......OMG - stop right there.......he is an educated engineer !!!!! And am I to understand that if he went back to work child care costs could not be met???? Hmmmmm..... Hmmmmmm.....whats wrong with this picture folks???
Even with this information.....it matters not. SHE has a problem with HIS drinking. And HER problem won't go away until she fixes "HER" problem. And something tells me she fully intends to.
But techie just know that the problem wont go away by itself...unless he is willing to help himself and stop rationalizing the whole situation he will never stop. He is giving himself too many reasons to keep drinking hun. And by making excuses for him like the passing of family members......this only feeds him along his road to perdition hun.....detach all the way. Your children including the one you are carrying deserve a sober husband and father. And just maybe when he is sober that life demands his rejoining the workforce so that you can get ahead instead of just maintaining...
Stick around and read read read ok...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Originally Posted by Techie1701
DH has not been drinking for two weeks, until this weekend when he was drinking Friday and Saturday night. He didn't drink a whole lot, he sat up for a few hours drinking and watching TV.
In spite of the fact that he isn't a 'bad' alcoholic, I'm not sure how much of this I can take. The sound of the tab opening on a can of soda gives me palpitations.
In spite of the fact that he isn't a 'bad' alcoholic, I'm not sure how much of this I can take. The sound of the tab opening on a can of soda gives me palpitations.
It sounds like you are still not going to Al-Anon. Any chance you might have the opportunity to go to a few meetings?
Here's the deal as I see it: You are watching how much he's drinking. His lack of drinking eases your stress, thus you are hinging your hapiness on how much he drinks. He's not "bad," yet you don't know how much more of this situation you can take. So, how much? As much as you decide to take. He's not going to stop drinking at this point. Why? Because he's in the Land of Denial, holding onto the belief that all A's entertain: he can CONTROL his drinking. I bet when he had a few drinks this past weekend, he was watching just how much alcohol he ingested so he could prove to himself that he has his drinking under control. Meanwhile, you're going into stress-overdrive.
There is denial working in both of you. I have watched denial escalate along with the drinking. I watched my AH literally have the DT's, and when I mentioned to him it appeared this event was occurring he replied, "Maybe." Yeah, right, whatever .... My AH is in the end stages of the disease. I no longer say anything about the drinking because it would be just as insane for me to mention it as it would be for him to deny it. So after an eight-day bender in which he did nothing but drink and pass out, he's walking around scratching his head - completely baffled! - as to why he's vomiting and feeling so awful. His take on it: he has the "flu."
Yeah, it gets worse.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 72
OK, I hope this posts OK!
Don't know if I have done the right thing, but talked to DH and told him I'm not able to cope with his drinking. I'm going through mild PND at the moment, partly situational and partly hormonal (I've had this before). I've crunched the numbers and can (just about) afford to pay him half the equity in the house, run the house and pay for child care for three kids. It would be a struggle, but possible, which isn't bad. I'm spectacularly lucky to be in a pretty stable, good paying job.
This isn't what I want, but even though he isn't drinking much, the 'down' I get after he has a few drinks is debilitating, and takes me days to get over. I've tried drinking with him, ignoring him, hoping things will get better. There are more productive things I can do, but I can't seem to reach on them. I have a counselling appointment for next week, and will take it from there.
My ideal outcome would be for DH to stop drinking, get help, and to work on our marriage, because there is the potential for a fantastic relationship here. But I can't wait for him to come around work it out for himself. If he does great, if not, we'll still be fine.
I've been lurking here for a good while now, and I've got a lot of advice, and peace for want of a better word, thanks to all.
Dunno if I'm doing the right thing, though I'm calm about it. Any advice is welcome!
Edited to add, I don't know if I'm raving, but I've known DH for nearly 17 years now. His drinking has improved a little over the years, or more accurately that it has gotten a little bit better and a little bit worse, no big change in that time. However, I'm in my late 30s now, he's 42, and when does he grow up? There has to be more to life than sitting in front of the TV (OK, that's what I'm doing now!), IYKWIM. He hasn't worked in 8 years, he's better educated than me, dunno, the whole thing seems wrong...
Don't know if I have done the right thing, but talked to DH and told him I'm not able to cope with his drinking. I'm going through mild PND at the moment, partly situational and partly hormonal (I've had this before). I've crunched the numbers and can (just about) afford to pay him half the equity in the house, run the house and pay for child care for three kids. It would be a struggle, but possible, which isn't bad. I'm spectacularly lucky to be in a pretty stable, good paying job.
This isn't what I want, but even though he isn't drinking much, the 'down' I get after he has a few drinks is debilitating, and takes me days to get over. I've tried drinking with him, ignoring him, hoping things will get better. There are more productive things I can do, but I can't seem to reach on them. I have a counselling appointment for next week, and will take it from there.
My ideal outcome would be for DH to stop drinking, get help, and to work on our marriage, because there is the potential for a fantastic relationship here. But I can't wait for him to come around work it out for himself. If he does great, if not, we'll still be fine.
I've been lurking here for a good while now, and I've got a lot of advice, and peace for want of a better word, thanks to all.
Dunno if I'm doing the right thing, though I'm calm about it. Any advice is welcome!
Edited to add, I don't know if I'm raving, but I've known DH for nearly 17 years now. His drinking has improved a little over the years, or more accurately that it has gotten a little bit better and a little bit worse, no big change in that time. However, I'm in my late 30s now, he's 42, and when does he grow up? There has to be more to life than sitting in front of the TV (OK, that's what I'm doing now!), IYKWIM. He hasn't worked in 8 years, he's better educated than me, dunno, the whole thing seems wrong...
Last edited by Techie1701; 07-21-2008 at 02:22 PM. Reason: More info
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
There is more to life for you. Your husband appears to have chosen alcohol over everything. My boyfriend chose alcohol over everything, too--his home, his family, his job, his friends, his life.
Life for me today is good. That's because I chose a different path than the one I was living previously. I wasted 25 years waiting for my boyfriend to "reach his full potential." I'm happy to see you're making plans to live the life you choose.
Life for me today is good. That's because I chose a different path than the one I was living previously. I wasted 25 years waiting for my boyfriend to "reach his full potential." I'm happy to see you're making plans to live the life you choose.
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