Saint Francis

Is it too late to get feelings back for AH? It's been a week since AH was arrested for DUI. I let him stay in jail overnight, but did bail him out the next day (I know. I know). He had about 24 hours locked up. It was very traumatic for him, so I hear over, and over. And he insists this is his bottom and will do anything to have me help him and he will never drink again. Of course, I heard this after March's broken leg and last month's broken foot. I guess I got pretty good at detaching because even though I can see he's actually making a huge effort at sobriety and our marriage, I just feel numb. I got so used to living my own life that it's hard to delve back into our marriage, but I feel that I should give it a chance. I'm fairly certain that had he not gotten the DUI and quit drinking last week, that I would have began the divorce b/c his treatment of me had become so unbearable and b/c he betrayed me the last time he promised to work on recovery.

He knows that if he ever picks up a beer, it's over. He'll lose his taxi service, his job, his wife, and probably his life. So, I believe this time IS different. However, I'm paying the $2500 so far for lawyer, bail, evaluation, dui classes etc. Maybe I'm thinking this change of heart is just temporary (1 year) before he's out of trouble. Then I hear that wives shouldn't even consider staying with AHs until they see proof of them working a program for a year. I don't know and I'm confused...should I trust again or is it too late?

Pick-a-name

I've never been close to that situation but I think I'd still go with the tried and true "one day at a time" and let things evolve;keeping the focus off him and on you and your recovery. Good luck to you both. I hope this really will be his bottom! His actions should tell you if it is,I would think.

parentrecovers

my daughter does the same thing. she continues all her bad behavior until she gets in trouble. then she pleads remorse and asked for help getting better. then we stomp around for awhile, and finally agree to help her. then we get her out of her jam, and as soon as the dust settles and she's out of the predicament - she goes right back to the alcohol and drugs. it's just what folks in addiction do.

that's my experience. it's a mess.

blessings, k

an'ka

SF, if you don't feel right about leaving now, then just watch his actions very closely for a while. In my personal experience, this a typical phase an addict will go through when he/she gets in trouble. There is always the remorse, the "honeymoon" where he seems to be understanding and attentive and set on recovery. However, that rarely lasts. It might be different in your case; like I said, I am speaking strictly from my experience. Every time I thought my AH's had enough, i.e. DWI, criminal trespass and jail, losing several jobs, and finally losing me and his daughter--he'd gone right back to drinking.

I don't know how your husband treats you when he is sober. From your previous posts, I think his abusive tendencies are another issue all together. I am sorry, but I don't believe people change so drastically overnight that he is going to all of a sudden become "nice". I am very sceptical. Give it time and you'll get your answer. Just don't give it too much time.

sunshine321

SF,
I agree with the other posters. Although I'd also like to believe that he's had a change of heart and he's serious this time, you should at least be on your guard so you are not brokenhearted if it turns out this is more BS. Alcoholics are cunning and deceptive. The disease makes it so. I can't help with how long you should be away from him. It sounds like a good idea to be away for the first sober year but I'm sure plenty of people don't do it that way. I understand what you are saying about being so detached you feel numb. It's probably good to keep that for a while. Just in case he isn't so serious about his sobriety. Protect yourself first.

Jenny

LaTeeDa

There is also a very strong possibility that he will go back to drinking and try to convince you that it is your fault. You weren't loving enough or didn't support him enough, you made him feel bad about himself, you didn't cook him the right thing for dinner, etc, etc, etc. DON'T FALL FOR IT! He is the one in charge of his sobriety and he is the one in charge of his drinking. If he is seriously committed to changing, he will do it regardless of what you do. Please remember that.

L

parentrecovers

it's ok not to decide today, sf - sometimes doing nothing is the best choice. hugs, k

Janitw

Time tells sweetie.....if its an illusion then time will reveal that truth to you....for now go with your gut instincts.

Live

I don't think it's too late. I think it is too soon. It takes more than a week.

Mr. Christian

Yeah a year of no drinking and program.
Tell me what’s wrong with that?

Are you not WORTH it?

I kind of knew you would bail him out. Most people get all sappy about it.

I think the hardest thing you have trouble dealing with is a simple fact that all of us had to face.
Fairytales are for books; this is real life where everything is not happily ever after.

In the mean time working on you should be the issue.
So is it too late for you?

denny57

Doesn't that say it all?

Has he offered a way to pay you back the $2500? That would be at least a start on serious recovery talk to me.

prodigal

Ultimately, it's entirely up to you whether or not you want to trust your AH. I wouldn't trust mine as far as I could spit into a hurricane-force wind. I was schmoozed three times when he was forced by three different bosses to get his rear into rehab or stand losing his government job. Two of the rehabs were ones in which I was on the phone setting it up with our insurance company, making sure there was a bed available for him, etc.

Now THAT is insanity. Just call me "Queen of the Enablers." I learned my lesson the hard way. Manipulation. Deceit. Lies. All in the name of protecting his addiction. Job = money = booze! I am only voicing my opinion based on my own personal experience. Would I trust an active addict? Not a snowball's chance in he**!

From what I've experienced, if it was me, I wouldn't spend one red cent on my AH's rehab, detox, counseling, bail, whatever. Been there, done that, ain't goin' back there ever again. Period.

elizabeth1979

Nobody can really say when is too late for another person.
Somehow, when you have reached the end of the road, you just know. When I was still giving money to the addict, I was still hoping..either hoping we would work, or hoping I would feel better about my myself..but still hoping.

Now, I just have optimistic hope for my future, not one with that person.

keepingmyjoy

SF, don't beat yourself up or let him make you feel guilty. I agree with the others, he has strong incentive right now to "be good" and not drink. He may still go back to his old ways once things calm down. Take time for you. Discuss how he might pay you back your $2500...not that he can be rational right now, but see if you can get some of the $$ back. Did you say in a previous post that his family is around? Maybe from them?

I don't want to be discouraging, but my AH has had 2 DWI's, managed to stay out of jail because of good lawyer. Each time, he was going to quit. But here I am ready to leave because of his drinking (Again). So keep your eyes open, and just take care of you. OK, so you chose to bail him out....fine...but try to stay detached. Remember, this is not your fault, you did not have the DWI, he did. He caused his problems. (All of this IMHO)