Why can't I change my pattern?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: calgary, alberta
Posts: 15
Why can't I change my pattern?
Well, another Monday that I spend on here beating myself up. I've been on here so much, reading so much, going to AlAnon, trying to understand both her disease and mine, yet everytime I vow things will be different I fail the test!!
She continues on with her weekend "tradition" while I spend the weekends seething mad. As much as I tell myself to let HIM control the situation and the consequences, I just can't detach from it. Why?? I want to practice "tough love" and let her face the piper every Monday, but it's like that movie "Groundhog Day", where Bill Murray relives the same day over and over again, until he gets everything right. I guess this is my "Groundhog Day".
Every Saturday she's hammered way beyond any sane person's definition of drunkeness, while I work between a 10-14 hour day (no choice), come home and figure out in a nanosecond that she's drunk, I freak out, clean up whatever mess she has left behind, than try to devour myself on t/v or computer, so I don't yell at her. I just can't seem to "not yell at her" for a very long period of time. My twenty years of reacting the same way has become so ingrained in me that I just keep doing it. I guess this weekend was a little different in that it took me until Sunday night to say anything to her. But of course I let my anger out when I went to bed Sunday night.....went into my usual rave about "you'll NEVER change", you're a psycho drunk", "you'll NEVER seek out the help you need", "if you wanted help you could get it easily"......blah, blah, blah. Geez, I've even learned to drown myself out, so obviously she can too!! If my ranting hasn't worked the other 5000 times why do I think it will work now?? I know I must change this anger and my "all or nothing" thinking, but it's soooooooooooooooooo hard!!! 95% of the time she stays drunk all through Sunday, and stays in bed all day, and all night and I, of course, set the alarm clock for her so she gets up on time for work (she's missed a few too many Mondays, and financially, her losing her job would be quite devastating). Even though I know that these are the things that need to happen in order for her to (maybe) get well, I can't seem to let it happen because it would be equally devastating to me!!
So here we are, another Monday where I give her the silent treatment, that will probably last until tomorrow, then we talk a little more each day, then before you know it, it's another Saturday.......welcome to my Groundhog Day!!
She continues on with her weekend "tradition" while I spend the weekends seething mad. As much as I tell myself to let HIM control the situation and the consequences, I just can't detach from it. Why?? I want to practice "tough love" and let her face the piper every Monday, but it's like that movie "Groundhog Day", where Bill Murray relives the same day over and over again, until he gets everything right. I guess this is my "Groundhog Day".
Every Saturday she's hammered way beyond any sane person's definition of drunkeness, while I work between a 10-14 hour day (no choice), come home and figure out in a nanosecond that she's drunk, I freak out, clean up whatever mess she has left behind, than try to devour myself on t/v or computer, so I don't yell at her. I just can't seem to "not yell at her" for a very long period of time. My twenty years of reacting the same way has become so ingrained in me that I just keep doing it. I guess this weekend was a little different in that it took me until Sunday night to say anything to her. But of course I let my anger out when I went to bed Sunday night.....went into my usual rave about "you'll NEVER change", you're a psycho drunk", "you'll NEVER seek out the help you need", "if you wanted help you could get it easily"......blah, blah, blah. Geez, I've even learned to drown myself out, so obviously she can too!! If my ranting hasn't worked the other 5000 times why do I think it will work now?? I know I must change this anger and my "all or nothing" thinking, but it's soooooooooooooooooo hard!!! 95% of the time she stays drunk all through Sunday, and stays in bed all day, and all night and I, of course, set the alarm clock for her so she gets up on time for work (she's missed a few too many Mondays, and financially, her losing her job would be quite devastating). Even though I know that these are the things that need to happen in order for her to (maybe) get well, I can't seem to let it happen because it would be equally devastating to me!!
So here we are, another Monday where I give her the silent treatment, that will probably last until tomorrow, then we talk a little more each day, then before you know it, it's another Saturday.......welcome to my Groundhog Day!!
Keepingmyjoy
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 328
koko....so sorry...don't beat yourself up. You at least made it to Sunday before saying anything! That's progress right? Just work at it little by little and you will get where you want to be.
I understand the anger...mine is at rage point. Mine says to me as he is falling on the bed to pass out "Did you set the alarm?". A few times I forgot and he got up and it was all my fault that he did not wake up on time! But, I never set the alarm now....he makes his choices and then has to live with them. I can't fix it anymore. The fear of financial stuff is hard, but somehow, I have always made it through. And you will too!
I understand the anger...mine is at rage point. Mine says to me as he is falling on the bed to pass out "Did you set the alarm?". A few times I forgot and he got up and it was all my fault that he did not wake up on time! But, I never set the alarm now....he makes his choices and then has to live with them. I can't fix it anymore. The fear of financial stuff is hard, but somehow, I have always made it through. And you will too!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
The key to Groundhog Day is while the events around him stay the same, he changes. Every day he does something a little different from the day before.
I was thinking about those weekends I used to have and I'm sorry you are going through it. It's no way to live a life.
((()))
I was thinking about those weekends I used to have and I'm sorry you are going through it. It's no way to live a life.
((()))
So sick of Love songs
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Exactly where my HP intends for me to be!
Posts: 83
Koko
I am sorry to hear that you are having a hard time.
It was really difficult for me to detach from my AH but I finally did it. They say detach with love but I detached with hate. I had too! I completely took all other emotions out of it. Now that I have detached I am slowly adding love back in.
I too hated Fridays because that meant that my AH would spend the entire weekend drunk. By Monday morning he would be broke, hung over & too tired to go to work. I spent my weekends babysitting him, cleaning up after him, screaming, yelling you name it. I was miserable - I thought that if I kept on ranting he would eventually get it & not drink - but he never did.
One day I realized that the only person that was affected by my craziness was me he could have cared less. Matter of fact he liked my screaming because that is how he justified drinking more. So I stopped yelling & I took things ONE SECOND at a time. It was tough but whenever I felt the need to open my mouth I shut it & walked sometimes ran away. Slowly I started changing. I was no longer a crazy person, no longer a prisioner in my own home, no longer captive by his drinking. I stopped babysitting him & started doing for me. I became a happy person finally something I always wanted but looked to my AH as the only one that could ever make me happy. I now know that I am the only person in charge of my happiness!
I am powerless......The war is over & I LOST! Thank you GOD!
Live your life the way that will make you happy AND allow her to live hers.
I love working my program!
I am sorry to hear that you are having a hard time.
It was really difficult for me to detach from my AH but I finally did it. They say detach with love but I detached with hate. I had too! I completely took all other emotions out of it. Now that I have detached I am slowly adding love back in.
I too hated Fridays because that meant that my AH would spend the entire weekend drunk. By Monday morning he would be broke, hung over & too tired to go to work. I spent my weekends babysitting him, cleaning up after him, screaming, yelling you name it. I was miserable - I thought that if I kept on ranting he would eventually get it & not drink - but he never did.
One day I realized that the only person that was affected by my craziness was me he could have cared less. Matter of fact he liked my screaming because that is how he justified drinking more. So I stopped yelling & I took things ONE SECOND at a time. It was tough but whenever I felt the need to open my mouth I shut it & walked sometimes ran away. Slowly I started changing. I was no longer a crazy person, no longer a prisioner in my own home, no longer captive by his drinking. I stopped babysitting him & started doing for me. I became a happy person finally something I always wanted but looked to my AH as the only one that could ever make me happy. I now know that I am the only person in charge of my happiness!
I am powerless......The war is over & I LOST! Thank you GOD!
Live your life the way that will make you happy AND allow her to live hers.
I love working my program!
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