It is so hard to draw the line
 

I just came back from a cruise with my ABF. I said in another post that I spent much of the time helping him get around in port (from one bar to the next), to and from dinner (where he would drink nonstop), listen to him berate me when something didn't go just as planned or complain loudly. It got to where I would think "oh no, this is going to set him off", and feel that sinking feeling in my stomach. I would put my foot down, tell him he would NOT speak to me that way, threatened one day to move out which shut him up, and told him that his behavior was embarrassing. I came home glad the cruise was over. When I visit him at his place (marina), he is a different man - relaxed, friendly, never berates me, but when we go on weekend trips or this cruise, he is not pleasant to be with.

He promised, once we got back, he was going to change once & for all, and of course nothing changed. In fact that next weekend he and a couple AFs went to Key West and partied. I have never seen a person be so sincere one day and then turn the next. He had me write down a list of about a dozen things he would start, and not a single one got started. I figured oh well, it's his finances to screw up. I got used on the cruise as a companion. It's always about him.

Right after the cruise he wanted to go to London around Christmas. Based on the cruise and my friends' advice, I finally said no. That I would not go unless he's sober, healthy, and focused on us (we live 1200 miles apart). So of course he's making noises that we're through. The only women who will take up with him now are opportunists or fall for the act. So why did I get involved? I was an XGF who saw he was spiraling down and wanted to help. Before I knew it, I was the current GF. The money means nothing to me. I'm not rich, but I certainly don't need his money and certainly not at the expense of him dying. And besides, he's going to lose it before long anyway at the rate he's going.

I am sticking to my guns, but it is so hard. I do love the man and pity him. I want to encourage him to seek help, and yes I know I cannot do it for him. I want him to hold to his promises that he made ... that he will get healthy (his legs are twice the size they should be, bruised, veins popping and I am afraid to even guess what's going on with that), work on his finances, and think about living. Mind you, I am under no illusions that we could ever make "us" work ... I just want to see him get into rehab, but I know I can't do that if the "alkie" inside him controls his every move and word.

Anyway, I'm just discouraged. It would be so easy to say "screw it", go on the trips with him, put up with the lying (90% of what he says is either a lie or a distortion) and seeing other women (even though he "can't") and abandon my principles. Most of the time I'm realistic about this, and try to keep detached. Today it's just tough. And confusing. I'm just trying to be a good friend and having a hard time being that.

Addicts have no real friends, everyone is just a pawn.

Don't pity him, he is an adult and makes his own choices.

Focus on you, your future.

Well put Dolly. I concur. Don't believe the hype.

Jenny

In the case of active A's talk is, indeed, cheap. Look at the behaviors. Do they match up with anything he's promising to do? Most of the time, they make promises to us just to keep us hooked. You mention "...I do love the man and I pity him." Just a suggestion, but perhaps you should think about that phrase for awhile. Love and pity don't go hand-in-hand. Yeah, I pity my AH, but love him? Well, not in the way that people who are serious about marriage love one another. For me, I see someone who is to be pitied because he's pitiful. It's sad, but it's true.

I don't know if you've given Al-Anon a try, but I'd suggest you check out a few meetings if you haven't. It's just a sense I get from reading between the lines in your post, but it sounds as if you're compromising your values and denying the reality of what IS. Why put up with his lies and outbursts just to take a trip? I'm sure he has his moments when he isn't behaving like a pain, but going on trips with him ... well, it sounds more like you're his caretaker than traveling companion. I think you deserve far better than that!

CBrown...I just came back from a 5 day vacation on my own. A year ago I visited the same part of the country and spent much of the time wishing then ABF was with me. This year I was darn glad he is now XABF! While I was at the spa, enjoying great food and conversation with my friends, hiking through the rain or watching a football game on TV, I would periodically try to "insert" XABF into MY life and just be happy he isn't part of it. Sure, I was the "odd one out" and the only single but I much prefer that status than being the "babysitter"....and you know what that feels like!

"he wanted to go to London"

Can we say pub crawl? Do NOT do it!

ARL

hey cbrown - he's an alcoholic until he decides he wants to change. go on with your life, and don't focus him - he doesn't appreciate it and it won't change a thing. blessings, k

All true. Prodigal I said the same thing ... "what happened to all the promises we made each other?" I read the list of a dozen things we were to start working on after the cruise -- financial, personal. He turns it on me ... "oh, so now I'M a jerk!" You all know the rant and rave. I didn't hear from him for a day, and I was surprised I even heard from him then. I don't get calls anymore at the times he knows he's drunk. Oh, they're very clever and manipulative. Yes, trust only what you see. What I see is a man who has spent the last two weeks back to drinking heavily with his heavily drinking friends.

He always says "In word and in deed." Ironic it comes from him, but that's the truth of it right there.

I did go to Alanon here once and have attended online Alanon meetings. I found that I got a lot more out of this site.