IMO, a therapist could really help you with this thinking. I used to think the same things and mine really helped me figure out why I thought this way. I don't know anything about your history, so it may be something totally different for you, but for me, I was never loved as a child for just being myself. In fact, sometimes I got in trouble for just 'being me.' In my family, love and affection was given in exchange for something. Good grades, cleaning up the house, drawing a picture, writing a poem, etc. So I learned that I had to 'do something' in order to be loved. This is what got me started seeking out and attracting people who needed me. The other side of that coin is that when I am there for someone, doing things for them, then I expect them to love me in return. And if they didn't, or didn't give me what I was seeking, I got frustrated and angry and tried to control them into loving me. Crazy, huh? It took me several months of seeing a therapist to figure this out.

It's really not a matter of finding the 'right match' for you. I also went through most of my life thinking that if I was just with the right person, my life would be good. It doesn't work that way. As long as my thinking was twisted and I was playing out those long ago learned patterns, no person could ever make me happy. Now I know that my happiness depends solely on me and even though other people come and go in life, that doesn't change.

Denny's absolutely right that no amount of bubble baths or massages will fill that perceived emptiness inside. It really takes a total overhaul of ingrained thinking patterns. I believe this is what people mean when they say 'work on you.'

I don't know if any of that is helpful, but it's been working for me so far.

L

I can relate AZ. I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting healthy reciprocal relationships with others that offer love and support when you have a need for it. I too can get those feelings of adbanonment when things go very wrong and I am tired of coping and putting out fires for everyone everywhere and there is no one to yell FIRE to for me.

One thing about being alone is that I prefere it now. I grew up being the caretaker and it wears even the strongest of us down. Being surrounded by supportive others is a blessing at those time.

Working on oursleves is important but IMO, there is nothing wrong with just wanting to exhale and put have a strong arm to help carry the loads at times. It's part of being human.

One thing I tell myself is that being alone is a choice not a punishment for mistakes I have made and I find it helps empower me. But there is still no substitute to nutrturing when it's been in short supply for far too long. I'm working on identifying healthy versus unhealthy people. It's about working on creating a healthy support system and learning to trust in many areas of my life. It will take time but I know it is skills I must acquire to have the life I want.

Sending you support and understanding.

When I was constantly caretaking - yes, I felt that way all the time.
After I shed my codie shackles - Never

Aztchr,

I think you're swell.

Can I bring you a cup of tea in your recliner? You've worked very hard, these first days of fall semester, and you deserve it. I know how it feels to just want somebody there for a little while. It's a visceral thing.

One interesting thing that helped me was physical touch. Sure, I had to pay for it, but the physical contact with another human being really helped anyway, on a cellular level -- a manicure, a foot massage, a body massage, even a haircut -- anything where someone would pamper me a bit while listening to me talk. It really helped!!!!!

Hugs,
GL

Whew, you scared me for a minute there, GiveLove. Glad you redeemed yourself later on in the sentence.

Oops, sorry. I just realized that :D

No, but seriously. Human touch is a fundamental part of our sense of well-being....that's why babies who aren't touched can end up seriously messed up...study after study proves that touch is necessary to keep us mentally healthy. I realized, when I was finally apart, that a lot of what I was missing was 1) someone to talk to with my worries, and 2) being touched. My therapist advised massage and the like, and it worked wonders, as well as reducing the stress of my stressful job. I didn't miss "him" much at all after that ...

Much of my issues stem back to growing up with my sister. My parents had enough of my sister's issues to deal with, rebellious, addictive behaviors, etc. so I really think I tried to overcompensate so I wouldn't add more problems to the family. They had so much to deal with and still do many years later with her. I tried to keep the peace and just make sure I didn't add to my parents' stress. I still continue to do that. I couldn't help her or my parents deal with her, so I reached out to others who I thought I could help. All of the perfectionism, high standards, and stress I put on myself takes a toll. So I do get tired of meeting my own expectations. I know my patterns, too. At least I recognize it now so I can work on changing.
I'm the only one that can change my thinking and give myself a break.

Thanks for all of the suggestions and support as I do my best one day at a time.

Just hitting the thank you button didn't seem enough. Your post made me feel like I was reading something from a kindred soul. It made me feel understood, validated and less alone. I hope that knowing someone, somewhere can relate to you in such a deep way can help comfort you too.

Yes, one day at a time.

Hugs,
Jilly

((Jilly)) Thank you, too! :)

does it really work? u say "massage and the like"

massages and what else?????

Agreed to all said before me.

But I think mini-vacations are super tools. Get a weekend in a hotel that has room service....and order your coffee, have some meals brought up and go out for others.
Hit the spa.
Show yourself how well you can take care of yourself and get some of your wants met.
It works wonders for me...the change of environment, being pampered and knowing that you can spoil yourself a bit.
Great for the attitude.
and stepping out of the usual environment.
It invigorates me.

Helps me step away and outside of the current experience and environment.

I come back refreshed.

[QUOTE=aztchr;1455430] Tonight, for example, I just wanted to sit in my new recliner and have someone else make my tea. Instead I was a little bitter that it's just me here. It would be nice to have someone else ask how I'm doing and if there's anything they could do for me.

IQUOTE]

You're lonely. Its a natural feeling. You won't be alone forever, so use any down time to relax and do a hobby. Learn to enjoy every moment you can in life.
I paint a lot when I have nothing and no one around. I forget about everything else! Then, hours later, I feel really good about myself and what I created.
It's my therapy and it works for me.
I hope you cheer up soon.

recently been thinking, gee, I don't have time to have another person around... just someone else to take care of. I'm fine taking care of myself, doing crafts, cuddling with the cat, making meals when I want to, going where and when I want to. Now if that person would come along that does their fair share and shows me lots of respect, maybe I would change my mind??? But I think, in reality, that mostly happens when you are young (20's, maybe 30's) and if the woman gets a guy like that, she Keeps him (that's why they have silver & gold anniversaries).

It took a long time to learn this lesson, but enjoying it now. Sometimes when I'm in a real take a break... I have a spare coffee pot, actually just want the warmer part. I make coffee, then set the pot beside the recliner, it's so easy to just pour yourself another cup, all comfy in your chair, in front of the tv (I get to choose what to watch)

I understand the wish that someone else could take care of you. I feel that way too with some things -- but it's not the little things like making a cup of tea for me. I wish someone would just fix my life for me, that's all! :)

When it comes to the little things, I think I feel more like this:
I'm almost giddy with excitement about being capable of doing things for myself rather than spend energy & time worrying about when, if, and how much AH is going to drink today. I'm still in the early stages of detachment & recovery, but I'm really enjoying the realization that it's OK to take care of me.

I hope you're realizing that, too -- and that it's not a crouching up little "I just want someone to care about and for me" but more of a "dangit, I'm a wonderful person and I deserve someone to love me and care for me!" feeling. Because you are. And you do. :)