Lady BlueMiles

It's becoming apparent I have a new problem with AH and I don't quite know how to handle it. Sorry for this venting. I'm beside myself.

I was only home from work for less than 15 minutes tonight to hear AH coming in the door. He's home from his out of State, wilderness, drinking vacation with ABIL, local A friends and hooked up with old drinking buddies up north he hasn't seen in awhile to drive to the wilderness camp for drunk fest.

The drama began the minute he walked in the door. He had called me on my lunch break on the way home and I was supposed to call him on the cell the "minute I got out of work" for a night out at their local watering hole, the VFW. (AH is NOT a vet) For some reason this has recently become an issue to him, me going to the bar with him.

Anyways, tonight is the night ABIL planned his annual barbecue event at the bar. He sells tickets, plans the meal and cooks it for everyone. AH expected me to call the second I got out of work to find out where they were "on the road" coming home. I came home, put on my comfy clothes and there he was walking in the door. Immediately he puts me on the defensive with " I thought you were going to call me when you got out of work" I said "I just got home 15 minutes ago" he says sarcastically "I see you're all ready to go" and muttered something about being embarrassed in front of his friends because his wife never hangs out with him. bla bla bla. Not even a hi honey, how was your week. He also didn't even notice our Kitty is no longer with us.

So I said, Is this real important because I'm really beat, it's been a long hard week, my feet are killing me and I could really use some relaxing quiet time. I was also thinking to myself that tomorrow we're supposed to meet with the bankruptcy lawyer and I haven't even begun to cope with that yet!

Anyways, the last time I went to the bar with him was on Memorial Day. There is a big parade in our little town and the whole town goes over to the VFW after for a picnic they do for the public, like free hot dogs, pig roast, salads etc and they have outdoor games for the kids. It's all done outside and the grounds are nice. It usually lasts an hour or two. The only other times I go to the bar with him is usually when his family from out of state shows up and they wanna check out the local watering holes or sometimes if there is a charity event to raise money. The last one I went to this winter was a birthday party for a child dying with leukemia from a very poor home and everyone bought every toy imaginable on the planet to this party. Another event I went to was when AH bought tickets to a Valentine dinner/dancing party there with live band with the proceeds going to charity.

Other than these occasional events I have pretty much detached myself from AH's social life for quite some time now. I don't fit in, I'll never fit in and I don't like or want the lifestyle. I will have a social drink or two but have pretty much cut out even that much drinking around AH. Whenever we go anywhere or do anything like a weekend trip to Philly or New York, there is no going to the art museum, or seeing historical sites or local landmarks, it's just going to the bars. To him the only landmark worth seeing is the local Hard Rock Cafe!

Maybe some of my old controlling ways are coming back to bite me in the butt? I used to fight all the time about our M and life going down the tubes because of his drinking and his separate life at the bar. It has been over a year since I have mentioned ANYTHING about his drinking, or the bar, or his lifestyle. I realized I can't compete. I just want to be left alone now to pick up the pieces of my life and focus on myself. NOW AH seems to be expecting ME to join in his world and he has ATTITUDE about it saying stuff like you never do anything for me, or anything I like, or anything I want to do. bla bla bla Another thing that came up recently is he wants me to join the shuffleboard tournaments they have on Sunday.

My GOD!! Does it ever end??? We are going bankrupt! He doesn't work a job now except the occasional handyman job and we might lose our credit, our home and properties and he doesn't want to SELL because the market is bad!!!!!!!!!

I’m sure he’ll come home in rare form tonight. Ranting how I embarrass him in front of his friends because his wife isn't at his side. God give me strength.

Barbara52

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad about all this. {hugs}

Why are you still with this man?

CatsPajamas

Someone told me once that living well is the best revenge.

There are some here who are able to find a full and enriching life filled with love and serenity whether the A in their life continues to drink or not. It involves a lot of recovery on your part.... and some strong boundaries and a healthy dose of detachment.

I understand your frustration, but it sounds to me like you're starting to find your own likes and dislikes, and you're not letting him manipulate you too often.

Have you found any Al Anon meetings in your area? They really helped me a lot. They might help you too!

Hugs
Cats

Mair

I can relate with this, luckily for me i didnt have to live with my xab so i can only imagine what it's like and my heart bleeds for you. He will probably tire of asking you to these functions eventually. He's manipulating you. Mine always took me to pubs whereever we went, when i said that i didnt want a drink he would buy one anyway, at one stage i had 6 glasses of lager on the table!! He would get angry if i drank coke, cos it was just as expensive as a half of lager.

Im sure that mine would have liked for me to be an alcoholic, to him that would justify his drinking, instead by not drinking it made his problem look a hundred times worse.

Keep looking after yourself, it doesnt matter that he rants and raves. You have choices too.

Mair x

Lady BlueMiles

Thanks for listening everyone.

Barbara: Why are you still with this man?
Basically, I only started understanding anything about alcoholism this past year. I've known he had a drinking problem for awhile but mistakenly thought you just stop drinking, end of problem. Being unaware of the disease, I became too financially enmeshed in our relationship and agreed to purchasing a rental property putting me way over my head to meet the demands alone. The place needs work and I can't afford to kick him out and hire help to do it which is his job, and if I walk out the door he'll be constantly sueing me to pay maintenance costs (new roof, apartment upgrades etc )I don't earn enough to support myself, handle legal fees and mainenance costs he would sue me for. So right now separation or divorce doesn't seem likely. It's a tangled up financial mess and situation I can't walk away from and manage on my own without him taking on the burden of some of the existing responsibilities and consequences. I'm trying to work on dissolution from some of our combined accounts, and we saw a bankruptcy lawyer today looking for solutions on insurmountable debt he's run up. (over 100K in credit card debt) Our joint checking/savings accounts were closed last week to further avoid his automatic payment withdrawals which I'm real happy about (small steps). I'm praying a bankruptcy judgement would force the sale of the house but not sure yet. The lawyer seems to feel we can keep the property and sell in a year or two when the market is better. I'm very unhappy with that because AH is trying to hold onto this property but is starting to be open to selling it. If we could overcome those obstacles together debt and sale of property, then I think I could afford legal fees on my own for a divorce and starting over. If I told him I wanted a divorce now he would fight me and never agree to sell. I could never survive the costs of him fighting the sale and live on my own.

I have started Alanon meetings and working to accept the consequences of my ignorance about alcoholism and getting involved with him and just taking it one day at a time. Some days are harder than others.

Mair: Thank you for your kind words. I had detached and adjusted to his old attitudes about wanting his freedom and needing his alone time for a little fun time, his coming and going at will. I was doing GREAT with that separation and being ignored. I think your right, he realized he looks bad. I guess even his A buddies are noticing how he treats his "wife" and his marriage is in the toilet.

Cats: Yes I started Alanon three weeks ago on Monday nights. I KNOW I need recovery. I keep asking myself what happened to me. I thought I was a happy, well-adjusted, independent, self-supporting woman. How did I allow myself to get dragged to the depths of hell?

Mr. Christian

Truth be told people break up for less then this.
Honestly you can make it on your own, it’s done every day, and he will pay, you wont.

Seeing your own divorce attorney would be a move that would help you.
No matter how hard he fights when the judge splits property and assets he will be forced to buy you out or sell.

Lady BlueMiles

Thanks Mr C

I do need to speak to a divorce attorney. It's well past time to do so. I've also considered a simple legal separation over divorce. We've only been married 7 years (lived together for 14 or so years) and I think there is a 10 year deadline for SS benefits. Legal separations are fairly quick. And, I certainly don't plan to be married to anyone ever again. These are things I can discuss.

In the meantime AH made the appointment and paid the down money to bankruptcy lawyer for today's meeting.
I was quite discouraged this morning after the meeting. This is my understanding of it. Basically the choices for petition are Chapter 7 or Chapter 13. Chapter 7 is basically liquidation, asking the court for total dissolution. Lawyer did not recommend that. Chapter 13 basically is reorganizaton plan asking the court to keep/maintain secured debt and payments on property, and handing over the case of the debt you seek relief from to a "trust" for 3 or 5 years. In our case the unsecured credit card debt. The Trust adds up your income, adds up those debts, and decides what you can afford to pay. Lets hypothesize they decide you pay 1500 a month for 5 years at the end of the five years you recieve a "discharge." If you sell your property you get percentage? Not sure about that. But, You can not prepay the Trust for discharge if you sell. You have to continue paying until the time ends. That's how I understood it. If something should happen to the circumstances we must repetition the Trust for reassessment of payments till discharge. There's so much more to it. It's very complicated to me.

I'm very overwhelmed by all of it.

Barbara52

See a divorce attorney and find out what is in your best interest as far as the bancrupcy goes. I'd be willing to bet that the bancruptcy attorney is doing his planning on the masis of you staying married.

Live

I like your signature line, follow that and the rest will come

I could almost hear all the exact words being said from your first post. And dripping water will eventually wear away stone....that's how it got this messy for you imo...I never learned how to deal with it, so I am no help there, but I am sure al-anon is and others here.

Lady BlueMiles

Barbara: I'd be willing to bet that the bancruptcy attorney is doing his planning on the basis of you staying married.

Ya know you are sooo right.

Thanks! You've all helped me to better digest some of this. Just getting it off my chest helps too.

I've been dragging feet about seeing a divorce lawyer partly because I didn't want to part with my emergency savings in the past, but mostly I didn't know what to say or what to ask in the initial consultation. And I don't have the information to talk to the lawyer about anything. I don't know that much about our financial affairs as AH has pretty much dominated being in charge and secretive of everything. I didn't even know how high the credit card debt total was until two weeks ago AND I just found out TODAY in the lawyers office he's been sitting on 16,000 leftover monies from the last refinance he did on the mortgage. He never told me about that money and never tells me how much he earns. He said it's all gone to bills.

That may be true or not, I'm sure some of it has enough to keep things floating until this past month but come on. Not all of it. Mostly he stopped working and has been living/partying on the credit cards. But the fact that he dominates control of our affairs and shuts me out is unacceptable to me. He knows it, and ignores me. ARGH. One more reason for me not wanting any more to do with him.

Well ALL his little secrets are going to come out now and I'll be getting a big head's up heh? The questions for a divorce lawyer are FINALLY starting to organize in my mind.