Anguished

I know this must sound silly but what is the line between rescuing (codep) and just being humane and helping others?

I know how to deal with the ABF and not rescue him (though he's sober right now)... This is something/someone that I barely know. She's 17 and her father is an abusive alcoholic. When she was talking about her situation I just melted and tried explaining that is wasn't her fault. Immediately I felt like telling her to pack her bags and come live with me. I'd take care of her.

This is confusing to me because I don't want to repeat bad habits in another aspect of my life... I don't want to go from rescuing him (ABF) to rescuing her... But yet I feel like she is an innocent victim of a bad situation...

HELP!!!

parentrecovers

can you offer to take her to an alanon meeting? or suggest she come here and post?

blessings, k

Anguished

She doesn't have a computer but I never thought of taking her to an alanon mtg. I asked her if she ever went to one but she said no. She might feel more comfortable going with someone...

She's just breaking my heart. She has scars all over from self mutilation... She said it helped her feel the pain. Now, instead of self mutilation she smokes pot to escape. Obviously both are not effective tools...

parentrecovers

oh, it sounds heartbreaking. it's great that you are willing to reach out to her. she might just feel like nobody cares. 17 is young.

Astro

I agree with k, take her to an Al-Anon or even better an Al-A-Teen meeting so she can hopefully connect with someone close to her age. Plant the seed, lead by example, and let her take it from there.

MsPINKAcres

((Anguished))

I think Parent gave a great suggestion about offering to take her to a meeting. Also maybe if your f2f meeting has newcomer pkgs maybe bring her one of those, or even buy her a meditation book - she's young maybe even one of the Alateen meditation books.

Also, if your area has resources of abused children thru United Way program or Women's Shelters - she may be able to get some free counseling - when she's ready. Providing her literature & possibly offering her transportation to those meetings can be a start.

Don't know how well you know her - maybe just take it slowly & let your HP guide you on what should be the next steps you can do to help her find her way to getting help for herself.

I think it's awesome that you were there to provide comfort for her.

cmc

There are usually red flags if I look to see if I am about to become involved in an enabling situation. Here are a few of the things I use to try and stay out of trouble.
1. Does the person want help?
2. Is it any of my business?
3. Is that person capable of getting help for themself if they do want it?
4. Is it harmful to me if I do this?
5. Are any laws being broken?
6. Am I obsessed about this?
7. Will my actions needlessly harm someone else?
8. Am I underqualified to help this person? (ie. do they need professional help)
unhealthy helping:
About 20 years ago I once walked out in _heavy_ traffic to rescue a kitten that had been run over.At that time I had a mentor who was teaching me about codependency issues and she just glared at me...and explained the fact that I risked leaving my husband a widower and my children without a mom....over an already dying cat showed just how much of an enabler I was.(duh) She was pretty upset with me and I began to see just how ingrained all this stuff gets. By the way... this was well before I was dealing with anybody in active addiction. I was an Alanoner just waiting to happen.

I know that this girl is not a run-over kitten but the truth for me is that I can very easily let my compassionate nature run amok.

healthy helping:
I think there are times when it is perfectly fine to help people. We took in one of my son's friends off and on during the early highschool years and then permanently for over a year. He lived with extended family and was from another country- so when things didn't work out living where he was- we 'adopted' him into our family. He calls me 'mom' and he was treated the same as my other kids. He did chores and had to follow the rules. It's one of the best things I have ever done in my life. We gave him the family he never knew could happen and I gained the love of a very special young person.

I don't think you are silly at all. I think it's great that you have an awareness to wonder what is good for you and what isn't.

denny57

If she's underage, can't a call be made to child services? I'd be cautious - if she's cutting, she has serious psychological issues. How much of her story is true?

Jazzman

Denny is right. She's a minor and you could be on shaky ground here. I would make an information gathering anonymous call to your local child protective services.

MsGolightly

i would also call your local child protective services, but keep in mind that a first call to them might not lead to the actions you wish to happen. in my experience, the first call is often seen as a "warning" to the parent ... he might then feel more threatened and abuse her more for ratting him out. i've also seen teenagers lie to escape being placed in an unfamiliar home, or feel bad and succumb to their charm of their parents. i would encourage her to find a safe place to stay in the meantime, perhaps at a friend's house or at a relative's.

hadenoughnow

You may want to see if there are any counseling programs offered in your county and give her the info. I know where I live there are tons of programs for teens offered though the county health depts.

Mr. Christian

Minor = watch out.
Suggest Alanon and step back

steve11694

the scenario you mention unfortunately brings up collateral issues related to the alcoholic father, including possible physical, emotional, sexual abuse.

wister

School is about to start up again. I am a teacher and suggest calling the school and speaking with her counselor as another option. Her counselor is trained to deal with these situations in an appropriate manner and would be descreet about where the information came from and she/he searched to help this child.

caileesnana

Sometimes just a kind word can help. You never know who will be in your path for you to help. She may be reaching out and have noone. But agree, be careful!
susan

redbear

Call an Alanon group or Al-teen group ask for help...may-be you and a member can bring her to her first meeting if she wants...but I would really consider asking the group for assistants.

Anguished

Thanks for all the advice.

Saturday we went out for a couple hours together. We went window shopping and had dinner. During dinner I offered her all the tools I am aware of : alanon, alateen, self help books, alanon literature, slide scale counseling services, etc...

We had such a nice time, we really did. She told me that talking with me helped and made her feel better. I really hope she chooses to use the tools I shared with her. She has a good head on her shoulders so my fingers are crossed. She turns 18 in less than a month so I guess we'll see what happens.

I'll keep you updated and thanks again for all the input!

cmc

There is another difference between whether my actions are helping or enabling...and it involves my own motives and needs. Sometimes I would make a bad choice in this area because my motive was/is to feel good about myself and/or 'make' others like me or think well of me. I would have never realized my great need of validation outside of myself without Alanon and coming here to SR.

Another aspect to consider is control. I feel safer if I can 'fix' things and it gives me an illusion of control. The stepwork and learning self-care help me to accept myself for who I am not what I do. My recovery is all about learning the truth about myself (both the positive and negative) and making healthy changes in my thoughts and actions.