"what would it take for you to be okay with my drinking?"
 

This is weird. I've been reading other people's stories for the last couple of days, and then I look at the fact that I'm hitting my limit with my AGF after three years. Her drinking has only been problematic for the last year and a half, since she's been legal, but I'm seeing all these people who have been with their partners for 15 years, and I feel like I'm wussing out and must not love her enough. But I do love her! Whether I should, that's another question, but.... Arrrgh.

She's acknowledged that she's not responsible with her drinking, but instead of doing the non-A thing of, y'know, NOT making bad decisions about alcohol anymore, she wants to know what it's going to take to get me comfortable with her drinking. And the answer (though I haven't told her this) is "whatever it would take to get you comfortable with the idea of me cheating on you". That's the level of violation I feel at this point. Which stinks because at the moment we're 850 miles away from each other, so I have no way to verify how much she does or doesn't drink or when or under what circumstances, so I'm feeling cheated on pretty much constantly. Which I realise is totally my issue, and that's why I'm going to start going to Al-Anon this Sunday.

Right now she's avoiding calling me, because she can tell that there's going to be a "talk".

*headdeskthud*

I think that's an honest and reasonable response.

Ummm, you don't love her less, you are proabably just healthier, so you have recognized it earlier. I know this will probably sound wierd to you till you totally get it, which took me forever- Nothing you can say or do will cause her to want to stop! Period! Rock bottom still hasn't done it for my STBAAH who I am pregnant by for the second time. So here I am knowing he won't stop, and I am looking at 18 more years of child rearing alone, and not in the best financial place, because my emotional health was not good enough to walk away years ago! I hope you have not had children with this woman, and I hope that you will be strong enough to walk away if she does not figure it out for herself, because you can't make her see what she needs to see. Alanon will be good for you to get this idea, and I for one am rooting for you to not waste 15 years of your life (14 for me) waiting, hoping, and wishing she would get better. Good Luck- keep us posted!

Welcome, tryvia. I'm glad you've come here for support. You sound like you have your act together. Yes, I've known people in Al-Anon who have put up with, married, and had children with an A. Some stay and detach, some leave and detach. Either way, it's all about detaching. You have set a boundary. You do not like her addiction and it makes you feel violated. I consider that a perfectly rational response. After all, at this very moment if she had to choose between you and alcohol, I'd place my bet on the booze.

I've been married to not one but TWO alcoholics (didn't learn my lesson the first time 'round, did I?) and I can tell you that had I moved heaven and hell, they would not stop drinking. An A will protect his or her addiction to the death, literally at times.

Going to Al-Anon is a great place to work on yourself. I have a home group that has been wonderful support for me. Just my opinion, based on having been married to two alkies: do NOT consider a permanent commitment to your gf at this time. I can attest to the fact that it does not get better, but it certainly gets a whole lot worse! Only the addict can desire and seek their own recovery. Only you can find the peace and serenity you deserve.

If her attitude is that you should learn to be "ok" with her drinking and you decide to stay with her be prepared for all the chaos in your life you read about here. You are young, save yourself and move on.

You said in your post that you feel like you are wussing out because a lot of us have stuck it out for 15 or so years. Well guess what..... If I had known things were going to be this way, I would ran much sooner. The longer you stay.... the harder it gets to leave.
D

Welcome to SR! Glad that you found us! So happy to hear that you are going to a meeting! It is a start in taking care of you. That is important!

You say that some us have been with partners for 15 years-well I have to agree with what was said above by alot! If we/I had known what I know now things would be different! Learning our lessons is hard and it will be repeated until we do and say ENOUGH!

Loving her is not something that is a question-we all love them but we just cannot be a part of the unacceptable behavior that they produce. It creates chaos and drama that is not needed in our lives!

You are on a good start with the Al-Anon-read some stickies here on the top of the forum and for sure keep posting! You are not alone!!

:Val004:

My partner wanted to "talk" to me after a night of total crazy out-of-control drunkenness. I was already ashamed of myself and never wanted to talk about "it". I liked the idea of just avoiding it and ignoring it but of course, continuing to drink.

One time she was trying to talk to me about it and I said "I know what you want me to say and I'm not quitting drinking." I eventually figured it out for myself.......quit some time after that "talk". Your GF is going to have to decide for herself what she wants to do. Sounds to me like she doesn't want to quit right now.

Going to alanon is a great idea. You need to take care of you because you can't control what she does.

Welcome to SR. Glad you're here.

hugs.

Excellent response to the question.

Personally, I stuck around for one year of hard core drinking while living with AH, and then an alcoholic rollercoaster for another two while separated. I still love my husband, but I cannot be there by his side. He was destroying himself and he was destroying me, my mental health, my physical health, along with my trust in men and good relationships. I am now filing for divorce and he said that he is sorry that I "couldn't tough it out." Yes, I guess I wussed out, too. But I refuse to feel guilty about it, because I now have a baby who needs love and stability, and I need peace of mind to be able to care for her. Love is not always enough.

Thanks for the welcomes, I really appreciate it. I'm so glad I found this forum, you're all awesome.

She and I did finally talk last night. I think she didn't realise before that she could actually lose me over this, and it finally clicked with her how much it hurts and upsets me, and that me leaving is a very real possibility. She does seem to have trouble getting her head around the fact that it has nothing to do with how *many* drinks she has, but how she acts after even just one.

But I asked her, straight out, if she would give up alcohol for me, and she said yes.

And I know that's like, textbook, but I believe that she means it. Is that going to stop me from being cautious? No. When I get back home I'm going to wait a good while before I decide whether move back in with her (we're not separated because of the alcohol, but because my family needed me out in the midwest), and we're going to do counseling. Lots and lots of counseling. But I have to believe that she's not irredeemable, and I want to be there with her for all the crap she's going to go through, and when she comes out the other side.

I'm sure you all think I'm being an idiot. I kind of do, too. But I really think I got through to her last night. I don't imagine everything's going to immediately turn around, not by a long shot, but she's supported me through some incredibly hard times (I come with a fair amount of issues myself) and even if I didn't love her the way I do, I would want to at least help her as much as she's helped me.

Yeah, all that "it-together" having you guys thought I had? Goes right out the window as soon as I hear her voice.

You're not an idiot tryvia. You're in love with a women that has an alcohol addiction.

Please consider checking out Alanon meetings. It really can help you out a lot.

I know you want to beleive what she says and I wont be one to tell you thats wrong because, maybe she is going to do something about her drinking. Who knows... What I am going to tell you is to listen to what she says and watch what she does. Do her actions match her words?
D

I plan to attend my first Al-Anon meeting this Sunday. There's one in my area that seems to be pretty much tailor-made for me.

I mentioned it to her and she was not thrilled, but for pretty much the same reasons I have issues with what I know of AA. I have problems with the "higher power" idea, for all sorts of reasons. But I think that even if I sort of gloss over that part, there's still a lot I could gain.

Good for you. I started going to Alanon 5 weeks ago. I seemed to be one of the ones in the room with the least amount of problems because my AH had entered outpatient rehab and wasn't going to drink anymore. He "went out" 2 weeks into his program and thank goodness I was going to my own program. Gave me courage when I needed it.

Your spirituality
 

Try,

Don't let the 'higher power' part scare you away from Al-Anon or AA meetings. You decide what that higher power is. You don't have to believe to get something extremely useful out of the meetings. In the meetings they don't try to shove a form of spirituality upon you. (Some do say a prayer but no one will insist you participate in that).

Welcome tyrvia

If I had a dime for every time I said or thought "Can't you just accept me for who I am ?"

It's a common concept with we alkies.

As the others mentioned, Al-anon is a great idea. And, I have to warn you, I "quit" quite a few times for my Ex.

tryvia, I'd just add to what others have said here by putting my spin on it: BEHAVIORS, BEHAVIORS, BEHAVIORS. Watch them very, very closely. A's speak a good game, are very earnest in their belief they can quit, and then ....

I am speaking from my own personal experience here, being married to an A who has been in three inpatient and two outpatient alcohol rehab facilities. He'd work the program as long as he was in the facility, but left to his own devices, he'd be back to using within a month of being released.

I hope and pray your gf is sincere and gains recovery. Just watch to see if her actions match up with her words. Best of luck to both of you!

Richard's actions proved to me that he would do anything in the world for me. Anything, that is, except stop drinking. He simply wasn't strong enough to quit. That didn't make him weak or a liar. It made him human.

Since the chances are great that your girlfriend will continue to drink, what do you plan to do if she doesn't stop? And how long are you willing to put your life on hold and sit by idly and hope that she'll change?

I stuck faithfully by Richard's side for 25 years. He drank himself to death two months ago. It was a long, painful, and steady decline. It was every bit as painful to watch from the sidelines as it was for him to be caught in the relentless trap of addiction.

I wouldn't think that you're weak for getting out early while you can. I'd think you were much stronger than I.

Comfortable with her drinking? Wait she asked you that? Wait,,,LOLOLOL,,, OK OK WAIT,,, LOLOLOLOL,

Sorry lost it there for awhile.
In my humble opinion, and God knows it isn’t all that humble, I thing action speak volumes.

Her getting into AA would be a big step, and her dislike of you getting into Alanon doesn’t sound cool.

"her dislike of you getting into Alanon doesn’t sound cool."

Got to agree with Mr. C as that was my gut reaction to your comment too, tryvia.

Maybe it's because I have just re-read various chapters of "Co-dependent No More" by Melody Beattie.

Alanon is for you, tryvia. It does not matter what somebody else thinks about what you are doing to help yourself. Addicts seek out enablers and seek to control them.

Do what you have to do for you.

ARL

believe this.....
 

As someone that has been with an AW almost 20 years now. they will always be good at talking a good game, and telling you they're going to quit. Just read my posts and you will see how tormented it makes us. The part that scares me for you is when you said she will give up drinking for you. Well, the first thing you need to realize is that their alcoholism is not about YOU, it's about them!!! While it undoubtedly hurts everyone around them, it is up to THEM to deal with the issues and consequences. Our victory comes not when the alcoholic has stopped but rather when we realize that we have lives too and we must start living them, a victory I have not acheived yet but am getting ever so closer to realizing. Please read "Codependant No More", and as with most of us, you may find it to be like reading your own autobiography.

Personally, although I've been with mine for 20 years' it has taken me this long to realize that I have a problem' not just her. 20 years of my shouting, my crying, my covering up her unbelievable stupidity, ALWAYS trying to CONTROL the situation. That's what codependants do....we martyr our own happiness for someone else....try that for 20 years and tell me how much of you is even left!! I have learned alot from this site' it's terrific!! And the people on here are so helpful and have been through it all. Bring "codependant no more", with me everywhere, I plan on not only reading it, I plan on memorizing it, and living by it!! I am also attending AlAnon again tonight, my first time back in several years.

You are on the right track by being on here and attending AlAnon, keep it up and don't forget YOU!!!!

So much said in so little words...
1. quit a FEW times
2. for my EX

Glass/Mr. C, I love it how you get to the point!

I have an abf in my life who has told me numerous times to my face, sincerely, and I believe he really thought love would be enough that he would quit. Said alcohol wasn't as important as losing me, as losing our family. This has been going on since the beginning of our relationship. We have a baby together. Guess what? He's still drinking. I'm not saying she won't be able to do it because there is a small percentage that can quit without a program. I just don't know any of them. I hope you get what you want and she is able to overcome her addiction on her own. Just take care of you in the meantime and go to meetings. She doesn't want you in Al-Anon because it threatens her disease.

Jenny

Yeah, I gotta admit, that was a very sort of "uh, WTF staggering audacity?" moment. It really is funny, don't worry about it.

I was not thrilled about that myself, but I do have SOME boundaries, even if they aren't exactly where they should be, and she's just going to have to suck it up and deal.

Well said Glass.....

I heard this very same thing ALOT from my exabf (sober and drunk) ..... "What ever happened to loving me for me", it's hard to love a shell of a person with hollow, depressed, remorseful, and misserable insides in my opinion, do whats best for you, go to Al Anon, it helps :)