Another day on eggshells...
Another day on eggshells...
It's another day on eggshells, another day of anxiety. I have backslid from detaching and not letting my AH control me, so the consequence is that sick feeling in my stomach with even more guilt that I did not take action to take care of myself. I haven't posted for a while. My second attempt at detoxing AH at home lasted 10 days before he started drinking again 10 days ago. Besides the 2 rehabs, that makes 4 attempts in the last year. This time, it was "too hard" for him to get around (broken foot) to go to AA, but he managed to get Bud, and drive 2 hours away for his last 5 day "bender." When he would talk to me on the phone, it was horrible and blaming drunken talk. I tried to let go, but each contact left me weakened and crying. Every conversation has me on eggshells, because if I'm not completely sweet, he hangs up.
Anyway, he drove back from Orlando today. Just talked to him 1 hour ago...the county police pulled him over about 5 minutes from home. He didn't know why, was not told why. So, given history, I might assume that he had an open beer and maybe he is also now in custody for a DUI. That could be my negativity, but it's my guess. But I'm anxious again. This is what I prayed for in the last months, but now I feel the negative impact this would have on me and my plans. I finally was closer to the divorce, even though it terrifies me because it will be so financially devasting. Now I'll be stuck contributing $ to the DUI, and he is probably less likely to be able to work, which will stick me with even more alimony (my lawyer said alcoholism is a disease, a handicap which may entitle him to this). Trust me, I have no spare $ for alimony. I just feel so stuck and condemned to spend my life walking on eggshells. I know you will say I have choices, but it seems no matter what, I'm screwed from everying I've worked for not to mention my investment in the marriage.
Tip for others: Follow your head and advice from others, not your heart. What's worse than spending 9 years in a draining, sick relationship? Spending 9 years and 1 day in that relationship.
Anyway, he drove back from Orlando today. Just talked to him 1 hour ago...the county police pulled him over about 5 minutes from home. He didn't know why, was not told why. So, given history, I might assume that he had an open beer and maybe he is also now in custody for a DUI. That could be my negativity, but it's my guess. But I'm anxious again. This is what I prayed for in the last months, but now I feel the negative impact this would have on me and my plans. I finally was closer to the divorce, even though it terrifies me because it will be so financially devasting. Now I'll be stuck contributing $ to the DUI, and he is probably less likely to be able to work, which will stick me with even more alimony (my lawyer said alcoholism is a disease, a handicap which may entitle him to this). Trust me, I have no spare $ for alimony. I just feel so stuck and condemned to spend my life walking on eggshells. I know you will say I have choices, but it seems no matter what, I'm screwed from everying I've worked for not to mention my investment in the marriage.
Tip for others: Follow your head and advice from others, not your heart. What's worse than spending 9 years in a draining, sick relationship? Spending 9 years and 1 day in that relationship.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 221
Why do you feel responsible for his DWI related bills? If he indeed got a DWI, let him worry about the financial obligations. I realize that you are married, but he is not connected to you by an umbilical cord. Whatever his disabilities are, HE created them though alcoholism. He is able bodied enough to buy himself beer, I am sure he would find a way to take care of his needs if you were not there. At this point, you are just his punching bag. From your earlier posts, he sounds as a very abusive man, if not physically, then most definitely verbally and emotionally. I am very sorry that you spent so much time in a relationship with a man who beats you down every change he gets. But you DO in fact have choices. When you stop reacting to him and take action on your own behalf, that's when good things will start happening in your life.
P.S. Please consult a different lawyer for a second opinion. I can't fathom why you should be paying alimony to a grown man who is perfectly capable of doing SOMETHING productive.
P.S. Please consult a different lawyer for a second opinion. I can't fathom why you should be paying alimony to a grown man who is perfectly capable of doing SOMETHING productive.
try to think more positive, sf - be grateful that you are getting ready to get the heck out of there. the rest of it will work out the way it works out.
i agree, talk to a dif lawyer. the idea is alimony is riduculous...
blessings, k
i agree, talk to a dif lawyer. the idea is alimony is riduculous...
blessings, k
Still haven't heard anything. Drove my our house and the supposed site of the pullover. Can't reach him by phone. My guess is that he's getting booked. He'll want to get bailed out. I already told him I would not bail him out for a DUI. This is his and my chance to have him sober for a few days a have him think about his actions and all he is losing. So, ideally, I would like it if he stayed there for a few days.....is that the right thing to do? It probably will not work out the way I'm hoping b/c I'm sure he'll be soooo angry if I leave him there. Maybe he's called someone else to bail him out b/c he remembers what I said. Or can he do it with credit cards? I also didn't see his car, so if he was arrested, it's impounded.
As far is the alimony, my lawyer at the initial consultation just warned me that if AH got a lawyer, that's what his lawyer would recommend. I agree 100% that he's able-bodied enough to work. He was just offered $40 per hour plus $ bonuses to do a comp. programming project. I was hoping that this would work in my favor if he could be sober enough to get this done in 5 weeks.
Anyway, what's the best thing to do on the bail issue?
As far is the alimony, my lawyer at the initial consultation just warned me that if AH got a lawyer, that's what his lawyer would recommend. I agree 100% that he's able-bodied enough to work. He was just offered $40 per hour plus $ bonuses to do a comp. programming project. I was hoping that this would work in my favor if he could be sober enough to get this done in 5 weeks.
Anyway, what's the best thing to do on the bail issue?
He is not physically handicapped for life, he has a broken foot, it will heal. If he can drive to Orlando for a bender he can work.
I certainly think your attorney is way out of the box, I'd consult another.
To me, you are over reacting. If he gets a DUI so be it, it is his problem, not yours to resolve. If he has to sit in jail, let him sit there. I'd not spend one more dime on him and his nonsense.
I certainly think your attorney is way out of the box, I'd consult another.
To me, you are over reacting. If he gets a DUI so be it, it is his problem, not yours to resolve. If he has to sit in jail, let him sit there. I'd not spend one more dime on him and his nonsense.
If spousal support is a possibility, the longer you stick around and keep supporting him financially, the stronger his case will be. I had the same fear when I kicked my husband out. He never pursued the option. Fear of what might happen usually works against me when it comes to making a decision or a positive change in my life.
L
L
It is what it is
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
(((( ))))
I know alimony happens sometimes if you make more money than him but I would get a second opinion too. It can't hurt.
You need to get back on the horse. You can do it. And stop taking his phone calls and spending your time wondering where and what he is doing. He's not spending his time thinking of you.
Jenny
I know alimony happens sometimes if you make more money than him but I would get a second opinion too. It can't hurt.
You need to get back on the horse. You can do it. And stop taking his phone calls and spending your time wondering where and what he is doing. He's not spending his time thinking of you.
Jenny
It is what it is
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
SF,
Don't bail him out. It's not your problem. He'll be angry anyway if you bail him out or not. Why would that be new? And tell him it's his responsibility not yours. He got the DWI, let him figure out how to get out of it. If you help him, you are only helping him to stay sick. Stay tough!
You can't cure it, you didn't cause it and you can't control it! But you can control yourself.
Jenny
Don't bail him out. It's not your problem. He'll be angry anyway if you bail him out or not. Why would that be new? And tell him it's his responsibility not yours. He got the DWI, let him figure out how to get out of it. If you help him, you are only helping him to stay sick. Stay tough!
You can't cure it, you didn't cause it and you can't control it! But you can control yourself.
Jenny
Unconditional love
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Mi
Posts: 84
My husband was going after me for alimony also. He made good money but I made more. I told him I wouldnt go after half of his pension plan if he gave up on the alimony. So we made a deal. Is there a deal you can make? Its sad but if you are together for a number of years they can get alimony if you make more money.
Update
I confirmed with county the AH did indeed receive a DUI. He's been in custody for 9 hours now, but not booked yet so he's not been allowed to call. I've prayed yesterday for a sign to know what God's will was, and I believe today is the answer. A wise person on SR told me the story about the flood, boat, helicopter etc. I think this is "my sign" and I want to recognize it as such. Maybe this is the kick in the pants I needed (to divorce). There is a lot to comprehend from today's events....I'm sure it will bring a sober, sweet, pleading husband back to me; but I need to be strong. Yesterday, he said all the mean things to me, blamed me for everything and drank 20 beers without a flinch and couldn't wait to divorce me (according to our mutual friends). Today, the worm has turned.
I hope it will be for the best. This is AH's 3rd or 4th DUI (I didn't know him then prior to 9 years ago). I hope this means some jail time so I can figure out the best for me/us as far as bailing him out. I don't want to, but nobody else will either.
If I did stay vs divorcing, it would mean paying hefty fines, being his taxi service, driving everywhere for the business, paying huge car insurance rates, continue to support him, and most likely, he would continue to cop an attitude that he can still drink and treat me like garbage. NO THANK YOU!!!!
I hope it will be for the best. This is AH's 3rd or 4th DUI (I didn't know him then prior to 9 years ago). I hope this means some jail time so I can figure out the best for me/us as far as bailing him out. I don't want to, but nobody else will either.
If I did stay vs divorcing, it would mean paying hefty fines, being his taxi service, driving everywhere for the business, paying huge car insurance rates, continue to support him, and most likely, he would continue to cop an attitude that he can still drink and treat me like garbage. NO THANK YOU!!!!
Further update
AH called me from jail now, twice. The first time was with attitude that he could use credit cards to bail bond himself out, didn't need me, and would take a taxi home. I received a call from bail bond who would not do it without my okay. I did not okay it. AH called me back. I told and yelled that I would no longer be his rescuer as he treated me like garbage, that he f*'d it up etc. He only had 2 minutes that I burned up with yelling. He tried to plead and say he loved me, that he's been in jail for 11 hours, blah blah. Too bad, he had to get off the phone. Now he can spend the night there, at least. Why did I answer the phone....I guess because for once I wanted to hear him grovel and plead? He never gave a d*mn when I pleaded for him to stop drinking and treating me like sh*t. Payback's a b*tch! Sorry, I'm soooooo mad about all this.
Let him stay.
Get your act in gear and get a nice lady attorney that wont take any of that PC garbage and nail his rear – end.
You deserve better.
Pretty soon all the eggshells will be from you making yourself an omelet.
Get your act in gear and get a nice lady attorney that wont take any of that PC garbage and nail his rear – end.
You deserve better.
Pretty soon all the eggshells will be from you making yourself an omelet.
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