respektingme

My AH has 3 weeks sober. We spent last weekend with my folks. AH made a few biting comments disguised in "jokes" about my weight and my spending habits. Is this part of being a dry drunk? He goes from googley eyed drunk to holier than thou??

Astro

At three weeks sober I was still trying to take the focus off of the wreckage I'd created and our impending divorce. If I could make her look bad I thought I'd look good. Pretty pathetic considering where my best thinking got me.

Satchel

I don't know or would want to take inventory on his program. As someone with 62 days of sobriety but very active in AA up to this point - I can share that early recovery is difficult. I have had my moments where the "jokes" have been insincere. It can be the easier softer way to project my fear and hurt on my wife than to deal with it and give it up to my HP. I must remain diligent in knowing that I used to Drink these emotions away.

I have been googley-eyed and holier than thou, but do not feel like I am in a dry drunk. I just try to stop, look, and listen. Talk with my HP or another A and find my relief. Patience and tolerance are difficult, but the payoff can be incredible.

Thank you for sharing and my prayers are with both of you.

respektingme

Thanks to you both. It helps hearing where you are/were at his point in recovery. Sounds like it's part of rebalancing his life. It's difficult to know how to respond. Obviously the biting jokes aren't funny, so I don't laugh. But I'm a bit hesitant to say something about his comments because I don't want to get him cranked up so he'll want to drink. Then again, if he keeps it up, I suppose I'll have to figure out something calm to say that maintains my dignity, yet gets the point across without making him feel defensive, low, angry, hurt, etc.

I realize I'm not responsible for his drinking. At the same time, I recognize that he is early in his recovery and has a history of not handling stress well. The dog puking in the car twice definitely got him stressed. But he went to AA while we were out of town. I am trying to avoid going bezerk on him right now.

hopeangel

hi hon, i know how difficult of a time this can be. humm, let's see, at 3 weeks sober my ah was tearing walls down in my house, literally, non-stop, from morning to evening. it was really rough. it was really hard for me to keep my cool when everything around me in my house that i love was literally being ripped apart and i probably didn't do the best i could.

he continued to do this until he wore himself out and had his "reason" i.e. - me not wanting my house torn apart- to go back to drinking i should add that all this stuff is still to be repaired and we are heading towards divorce and i have been informed that he is going to leave all the repairs to me if he has to move out.

deep breathes...and a lot of tongue biting is all i can suggest.

MsPINKAcres

Regardless of where he is in his recovery, doesn't give him the right to make "jokes" that are hurtful.

You can say what you mean, mean what you say without being mean.

Just from my point of view, I realized I had no boundaries, no set lines that couldn't be crossed, my AH didn't know how to treat me, because I had never set any guidelines. So when there were comments that I took as hurtful, I just started with a simple, "That is a little uncomfortable for me" or "Some may mean that as a joke, but it really doesn't seem to funny to me" even "I'm a little uncomfortable with that kind of humor"

This way it didn't seem like I was berating him but at the same I was communicating that I was uncomfortable with his words.

New in recovery was and still is difficult for everyone in my life, but continually stuffing MY feelings, emotions and thoughts just because they are "early" in recovery is a pathway to resentments and those feelings coming out sideways. And that can never be good.

Just my e, s, & h,
Rita

cmc

Reading all these wonderful replies reminds me how I have to take what I learn in recovery and use it to fit my situation- using my best judgement. It usually amounts to how much leeway I am willing or able to give someone else when I know they are struggling, and how can I keep that balanced with my own needs.

Huge factors with things like this are: severity, frequency, intent and if things are improving with time. Understanding why someone does something is not always a valid excuse- although it explains the reason for the behavior. It's a very fine line to walk to support somebody else's recovery...without compromising my own. I have often gone both ways with this and often felt I did the right thing for the circumstance.

sunshine321

My understanding of a dry drunk from what I've read is that it is an alcoholic who is not drinking but still having alcoholic behavior. It's a person who has worked Step 1 but not any other steps yet. I think if our As are in recovery, the beginning is going to be like that. Basically you get a dry drunk until they have worked the steps and the program for a while. If they work on their spiritual and mental growth as well as their addictive habit (alcohol) then they are working the whole program and you do not end up with a dry drunk. I think there are a lot of stairs to climb in this program and one certainly leads to another but doesn't necessarily mean they will take them all the way. They can go backwards down the steps or say on one stair for a while or choose to go to the next step when ready. It's a long road. I hope I can stay to see abf to the end. First step is admitting he's got a problem. Second step is actually taking action to do something about it. Third step is seeing if he can work the program honestly. Fourth step is to actually stay in the program and not relapse. Fifth step is if he relapses, he gets back into program right away. I'd love for him to go to rehab, but I don't think that will happen. I think that's an important step in the progression of wellness but I know other As have said AA was the beginning for them and it's all they needed. Of course this is all my perception of what I've learned so far. Take what you want, leave the rest.

By the way, the part about you being so careful not to mess with his sobriety? That doesn't sound good to me. It sounds like you think you are responsible for his drinking or sobriety. I understand you don't want to stress him out unnecessarily but he needs to be able to deal with stress. You can't control the stress around him all the time and you will make yourself crazy worrying about what will set him off to drink again. Let that be on him if decides to pick up again. You can't cure it, you didn't cause it, and you can't control it.

Jenny

Astro

We don't even have to work Step 1. I sat in AA meetings for my first five months sober, just listening and drinking coffee but doing nothing else. Being a white-knuckle dry drunk is no fun. Embracing the Steps as a program of recovery is the easier, softer way.