I'm just so sad
 

My husband worked overtime all weekend and so I had some time to my self. On Saturday I was cleaning in the bedroom and turned on the TV for nois and they had a show on about a couple who were having qwintuplits. So what do I care, I never wnated kids anyway. Well..... I see these new babies and how much mom and dad love them and I hear the husband say how prowd he is of his wife because she is so amazing. Now all I am thinking is how I messed up my life and am going to be 46 this year and I will never hear (I love you mommy) I will never get that hug or that smile. I also don't have a husband who is prowd of me. As a matter of fact when he got home Saturday we drove up to our local lodge and he got totaly tanked and kept going to the ATM to get more money to play the poker/slot machine. I am afraid of how much he spent. I was trying to get him out of there and he is trying to tell me (I) want to stay and it dawns on me. HE DROVE! He never drives but this time there was a reason we needed his trooper. I don't drive a stick or I would have driven home. Thank God it was only about ten blocks and we made it there without any problems.

So after we get home I decide to go and get us some dinner ( I don't cook on Saturday) I ask what he wants and he give me stupid ansures like Russion food. WHAT? So I end up going to the store and getting chicken. On the way, I have to stop at the light on the main avenue. We live in a very populer area for people to come eat and shop. I see couples walking arm in arm and smiling at each other. Looking lovingly into each others eyes. None of them is worried about how they would get home or how they can get the other to slow down on his drinking. They arn't caught up in spending all their hard ernd money on a stupid gamble ing machine. They are just happy to be together.

I started to cry right there at the light. It took everything in me to stop. All I could think was (I will never know that feeling) When I got home my husband started grilling me about how long I was gone and where did I go and did I call someone on my cell phone. I WAS GONE LESS THAN 30 MINUTES! He said he could tell I was made at him and to stop copping an atatude.

I wasn't mad. I was just sad and he can't see that. If I don't act all happy to see this drunken man who pretends he is the husband I used to know,then I am angry and blaming him. (Thats how he see's it)

I just feel so empty and sad right now.
D

you have choices, lost. i'm so sorry that you are sad. you deserve happiness.

blessings, k

I understand that sadness. I sometimes see older couples walking hand in hand or helping each other and it is so obvious that they care so much for each other and I will never have that. Or to see 50th anniversery pictures in the newspaper, I look at them and think, these people really love each other or he's a drunk look how she pulls away from him or form other opinions, but but sometimes you can just see that they care and it is beautiful and sad because I will never know that. My anniversary is Thursday....this makes me sad knowing this is not how if should be.

My husband too thinks that I should always be happy. And if not, thinks I am mad at him.

I don't have any words of wisdom, other than you are not alone in this.

i sometimes think the same things...

but at one point, some of those people were probably looking at you with envy. sometimes, the grass only seems greener on the other side, but they could be keeping things behind closed doors just as you are.

I promise you that yes, you can, know that feeling. I was 48 when I decided it was time to get back to living. If I truly want to hear a child say "I love you Mommy," I will adopt.

I also took to crying in public - grocery stores, banks, at red lights, green lights, wherever. The good news is that is about when I started learning about choices.

Try and be extra nice to yourself today. ((()))

I was where you are just a short time ago. I am planning my escape now. You do have choices. And you know what, I have a friend that is 47 and having her second child! You never know what life can bring. But you deserve happiness and joy in your life. You are worthy of it-it is okay to reach out for it.

I had similar feelings. Seeing families in our neighborhood have friends over and laugh and enjoy life and knowing that no one wants to come to our house anymore cause he just ruins every get together for whatever the reason with his drinking and talking so nasty. Knowing that none of my friends want to come around anymore and so I am stuck with this nasty person all by myself.

Well, I choose not to be isolated anymore. I am reaching out and living my life without him and eventually leaving. Just remember you have choices!

Hey Lost, I'm thinking about you! I've been where you are and it's a sad place. Please remember that you do have choices and options and there is is is happiness out there!!

Have you thought about making a list of what you want!? I couldn't even answer that question for a long time. I'm still working on it...it's a list in progress! But I realized, it's okay to be selfish....you deserve it!! ;)

Hugs and prayers!!

I understand what you're feeling. In the next town over from where I lived with stbXAH was a very touristy, historic community. People always visited to stay in a bed and breakfast, shop in the little stores, walk arm in arm, etc. Not us. If we went to visit (which we did at least monthly), he would plant himself at the micro-brwewery. If I wanted to spend time with him, it had to be while he was drinking too many. If I wanted to look in the stores, I had to go solo and keep coming back to check on him. It was really hard to see everyone happily browsing and enjoying this neat little experience together.

Fast forward some. I was recently dating a guy who I eventually decided I had no interest in, but at the time, we decided to go visit this town. He walked with me along the streets. We poked our heads into stores. We tried on goofy hats in some ice cream parlor. It was a great time. It was so very different from my experience with my XAH. We drove by the beverage barn where XAH always stopped to pick up a 12-pack for the car, and my stomach flip flopped. But we just sailed on by it. It was so weird and foreign and so, well, NICE. Yes, I ended up not really liking this guy, but he definitely showed me how good it can be again. I'd forgotten.

There are better ways to live. I promise.

I'm the same age as you, lost...you're never too old to find happiness. My partner and I take a walk every evening, holding hands and having a lovely time. Sometimes I can't believe how lucky I am to be with someone I love so much!

Maybe it's time to give your husband some ultimatums...and if he doesn't comply, I guarantee there are other people out there who will love you and treat you with respect. Being with a drinker who throws your mutual assets into a slot machine and accuses you of lord knows what is not necessarily your destiny. Take care...

I know how you are feeling.

Perhaps the biggest ZINGER that my exAH told me was when he moved out and announced that he was going to divorce me because he realized he was still young (and full of himself!;)) and wanted to "fall in love again" before he died. UGH.

I realize now how that little remark has been messing with my mind (how I allowed it to be about me and my unworthiness to him) and how it kept me in the fight to want him back. very strange. Thanks for getting me to think about this.

He is 53yr old: in the last 2 years (since this remark) has had two back surgeries, surgery for prostate cancer, got hearing aids, is quickly balding,overweight, depressed and angry and still drinking and has walked away from his wife of almost 30yrs and his two children because he thinks he should see what's out there that me might be missing....what is wrong with THAT picture?

Actually, I am the one that should be doing that! :) (People think I look 20yrs younger since I started taking better care of myself, and think he is the older one now! ha)

Chero,
The list is a good idea. I fined my self wanting to leave and I know thats the only way I will realy be happy but then he doesn't drink for a couple days or I should say, slows down for a couple days and there he is, the man I married. I feel happy for a while and then I can't focus on how sad I feel the rest of the time. I am keeping a journel but I there are things I can't even bring my self to write down in there. I am too afraid he will fined it and then I will have burned bridges I can not mend. Stupid bridges I probably need to burn to ever be happy, but am afraid to.

There is another reason I don't write those things down. If I write them down, I'd have to face them and I am afraid to. I was going to counceling for a while but when we set a gole to focus on looking inward at what I feel and why....... I became overwelmed and ran like a scared rabbit.

OK, I plan to make some lists.

I think you just have some work to do on yourself. Baby steps. First things first. Make your list. Check it twice. Decide what you need to do. Is there a place on this message board for journals? maybe you can make one here and keep it cyber. It's hard to face the realityof things but you are right if you write it in black and white it hard to ignore the facts. Good luck to you. YOu don't need anyone to help make you feel less than the great person you can be. These people (addicts) pick people like us because they don't think we have the strength to stand up to them. Let's all show them that we can do it. We can be strong women and men. After your list, start reading Codependent No More if you can sneak it in. It will help with your self-esteem.

Jenny

Even though I have been taking care of myself for 2 years now with alanon and SR, I still have times where I too feel very sad. It's like I am looking back at a life that should have been and never was.
A good cry can make you feel better too.
But, then when I am told to make a gratitude list, I CAN find things that I am very thankful for.

Think on the good things and don't dwell on the bad.
I hope you feel better soon.

Lost, I so know what you mean! Someone here at SR about threw me into a tailspin when they asked me what my favorite color was! I finally set down and made myself write out what I wanted and didn't want out of my marriage, my life, etc. It sounds crazy, but I wrote it afraid! And in a sense it was freeing.

And there were many times in the last few months were I had to get that list out and read and reread to remind myself that I had a plan and a goal. And yep, sometimes looking at that list was so hard because I felt (and somedays still do) that I'm so far from where I want to be and don't seem to be getting any closer to my goal.

But then I remember...baby steps! ;) It doesn't matter how you get to your happy place, just get there!!

I am an oddball, as a women I was supposed to have children, it was not my calling, I wanted a career and I knew I could not serve two masters. I do not regret my decision, it was right for me.

My happiness comes from within, I have been married two times, both my ex's have passed. I have re-invented myself so many times, yet, I continue to grow. I have realized that a man isn't the answer to my happiness. I am the controller of my happiness, my well-being.

Don't look at what you don't have, look at what you can have, a life, filled with opportunities and love. It is all about attitude, your attitude.

I am now 60 years young, I have myself a cute boy toy, we laugh, we dance, we travel, and we both are happy with each other. We don't live together, and that suits us just fine. Why? Because neither of us is an appendage to each other, we are a reflection of each other...it works for us.

Life is a song worth singing, sing it!