Lew

Thanks to those of you who responded a few days ago about our intention to try to "motivate" our 21-year-old son to go to a wilderness program. We know we can't make the choice for him, but at least we can offer. Or try to insist.

This program comes highly recommended from several people we trust completely, who are professionals in the field, and also from a member of our family. Most people who go there have both a mental and a substance abuse disorder. We think our son is probably bipolar, and that the drinking may be a form of self-medication. He's been avoiding us and living in a dorm as well, so we have no way of knowing what's going on. His sleep cycle is also completely disrupted, which wreaks havoc in itselv.

Our son began to drink in his sophomore year of college, and like so many parents we thought that was just normal. As a high school student, he always scorned addicts of all kinds and said he was never going to drink. One of his best friends died in a drunk driving accident (she was not at the wheel) in the summer after freshman year.

Because of the insidious laws that have encouraged colleges not to contact parents when their kids begin to have trouble, despite our best efforts to keep in touch he failed all of junior year and was placed on medical leave this summer. Because he had a job on campus and his boss like him, he was allowed to stay in his dorm for the summer.

Meanwhile we worked hard to keep in touch and to get him professional help, but the psychiatrist said he was so unreliable about being in contact, and that he couldn't believe what he said anyway, that he was unable to reach a diagnosis of any sort. He was worried that our son was in danger because of alcoholism, other addictions, and underlying mental illness. He urged us to find a way to impel him to go to this program, and after we checked this out -- after a lot of talk, prayer, soul-searching, reasoning -- we came to the firm conclusion that it was the right thing to do.

So last night we met our son (he goes to college in our city) and told him that if he wants to come home when he has to leave the dorm this week, going to this wilderness program is his ticket home. After completing the program, he may come home, but there will be lots of rules -- even more than in high school. We told him he's an adult now, and that he needs to make his own choices. If he chooses not to go to the program, he will have to find his own way.

First he was stunned. Then he was angry. He told us he hated us (of course) and that he considers his friends to be his family. (I had to bite back the words: Then let your friends support you.) I don't believe he can find a new job. I don't believe he can support himself. I think he's too troubled to think clearly.

Now I'm very worried, of course.

For one thing, our son is adopted. He will view this as a form of rejection, when of course it's just the opposite. The wilderness program will cost more than college, but he's in no condition to finish college.

Maybe we acted too soon. Maybe rather than just lowering the boom we should have asked first what he planned to do with himself. Of course he would have lied or said something delusional. His plan originally was to waltz into the dean's office and say he was OK, or perhaps he was just expecting this shrink to write a letter for him, which wasn't going to happen.

Thanks for being a place where I can ramble on. I don't know how we would live with ourselves if something truly awful happened, which it may. I know that even if the "best" happens, we're in for a very hard time. And I'm scared.

Mr. Christian

Well my friend you did the right thing.
He is a grown man and it is time for him to act like one.

It's time for him to step up.

wister

I have watched my parents go through very similar ordeals with my younger brother you is mentally ill and has a tendency towards self medication as well. I know how hard it can be to be firm, and stand your ground, but you hav done the right thing and you have to hold that close to your heart because often the right thing is also the hardest to accomplish.

Lew

Thanks to both of you. I know this in my heart; it's just very difficult for a mother to do this. (Despite my handle, I am his Mom.) It's so hard to stop trying to solve your child's problems. But I agree with Christian; he's a man now.

He said last night "Don't you know about maternal love?" That really cut.

But I know that love is what I am giving him in this; the only thing I can give him at this point.

FormerDoormat

"I don't know how we would live with ourselves if something truly awful happened, which it may."

I agree with Mr. Christian. You did the right thing and handled the situation much in the same way I would have handled it. As far as being able to live with yourself if something truly awful happened, you'll likely do what I've had to do. You go on living and try to find inner peace, as I have done because when it really comes down to it what other choice do we have when a loved one decides to throw their life away? It is their life and their choice and we certainly can't stop them, as you're learning now.

In my case the alcoholic in my life was my boyfriend, Richard. It was immensely painful to lose him to alcohol. I imagine it would be infinitely harder if he had been my child. There are other parents of alcoholic children on this forum. I'm sure they'll be in touch shortly. In the mean time hang in there and take good care of yourself.

Spiritual Seeker

Welcome Lew, In my case I had to take my car back from my son because he broke all rules to borrow it and had been in several crashes with it indicating he wasn't safe on the road- he hated me and his punishment technique was to alienate.
I attempted an intervention in March he refused to go bec he had a job, apt. girlfriend and a band. He has been kicked out of all of those 2 mos. ago. Maybe he is ready now maybe he isn't But I will not enable or bail him out of anything, nor will he ask. After being estranged since the intervention he is back staying at his dad's and is going to the east coast with me for 12 days. MORAL of the Story: WE do what we need to do so as not to enable our adult children. Their disease of addiction may react by anger and withdrawal....but they just may come around in time. As parents we just try to get between them and drugs. One day it just may stick. If not, we have to take care of ourselves and not be held hostage by fear of losing them cause we have already lost them to drugs.