Turtle Gal

Hi, I'm a new poster here, although I've been a quiet reader here for a few months now. A brief summary of my situation is I've been married to an Alcoholic for 24 years, the last 5 of which have been increasingly bad alcohol-wise. He's been through out-patient programs 4 times, the most recent a year ago, and was sober for 9 months, then relapsed in June, which was a pretty bad scene between us. He is a high-functioning alcoholic, never getting a DUI or losing his job over alcohol, he was drinking after work and on weekends, never having time for me, verbal abusing me, etc.

Even after he got sober, he was still angry at me, I think because he was "doing it" for me and our kids (19 and 21), not for himself. He stopped going to any meetings, and wanted to do it on his own, which was a red flag to me, and then I found out he was drinking again. When I confronted him about it he blew up and said a bunch of hateful things, and we just about separated that night. The next morning, he was totally different, wanted to go to AA meetings, wanted to finally go to marriage counseling. So we've been doing that.

Two weeks ago he did an abrupt about face and said that he's decided he's tired of living as something he's not - a sober man. He likes his beer, and wants to have one or two, he thinks he can control it. He also said that he knows he's been trying to make me be someone I'm not, and he'll stop verbally abusing me, take the pressure off me. (Kind of a tit-for-tat thing, I let him drink beer in exchange for mental peace?)

My assignment from our marriage counselor is to find an Al-Anon meeting this week. I'm finding it really hard to make myself actually get to one. I almost went tonight, but I had to work late, and I would have walked in about 10 minutes late. Would that have been okay? I have another one picked out for tomorrow morning, and hopefully I'll get my courage up to actually get there. What are the meetings like?

Lady BlueMiles

Hi Turtle gal, Welcome.

I'm new here just a couple of weeks and made it to my second Alanon meeting this past week. I too lurked the SR board before joining in. The group I found meets on Monday nights and lasts about an hour and a half. It was very hard for me to muster up the courage but I did make it through the door. I'm so glad I did. I can't say enough about the SR board too.

My area offers alot of locations with meetings almost every night of the week. They all follow the basic Alanon program. But there are "open" meetings to the public "closed" meetings for family members only, discussion style meetings, 12 step meetings, men only, women only etc.

After I get to know everyone in my Monday night group I hope to try other groups as time and schedule allows.

I highly suggest giving it a try. I think it's a positive step for me.

denny57

People come and go as their schedule permits. If you're in the Glendale/Pas area, you are welcome to PM me and I'll gladly meet you there. I love my meetings, but walking into that first one nearly broke me.

Good luck and keep posting!

Pony

TurtleGal, welcome to SR and this forum. I know how scarey that can be to walk into your first meeting, but it is well worth it. They are not there to judge or try to tell you how to live or to get rid of the addict in your life. It is filled with many others that are dealing with much of the same issues you are with their alcoholic loved one, but learning how to live life "not according to the alcoholic" but each day as it comes and to help yourself gain peace and serenity back into your daily life.
It is a program that uses the same 12 step and traditions and sponsers to help guide you along you way to recovery for yourself, as AA and NA does.

give it a try, what do you have to lose??? but you have everything to gain !!!

steve11694

many people arrive late to alanon meetings. NO PROBLEM

wister

I'm glad I took the time to jump on here first thing this AM. Much like our A's courage in a bottle, but healthy right. TG I am planning to go to my first Al-Anon meeting today as well. We can swap stories.

wister

so Turtle Gal did you make it?

BigSis

Our Alanon meetings generally use this format:

Open with Serenity Prayer (it is on the wall, and no one knows if you REALLY say it or not..smile)

Alanon Suggested Opening (about 3 or 4 minutes - read by the meeting chairperson)

Then we read the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions (either from a peice of paper or in the back of one of the books - anyone not caring to read can say "pass".)

Alanon Related Announcements (people announce roundups, conventions, events)

Question - Anyone here for their first Alanon meeting? If so, please introduce yourselves by first name only so that we can get to know you better (this would be where you would say, Hi, My Name is Turtle)

Then everyone goes around and introduces themselves by first name only

Then (in OUR group) we generally have a "first step" meeting - a sort of beginner meeting. We tell what got us to Alanon and a little bit about how it works.

Sometimes, the first step:

Admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable.

Sometimes that is combined with a topic, if a member has a need to share about that.

In our group, there is no "cross-talk" - a person talks by saying their name, "Hi, I'm Big Sis" and the group responds with "Hi, Big Sis" and then I share for a few minutes. Folks do not respond or interrupt and they know I am done when I finish and say, "Thank you." Then another person does the same.

At the end of the meeting, the chair reads the Alanon suggested closing and we all stand and say the Serenity Prayer (though some meetings also close with the Lord's Prayer).

Not all meetings use this exact format, but this should give you a basic idea of how it works... and it works pretty well. I think I always feel better AFTER a meeting than before - even when I can't quite figure out why.

I wish you well.

parentrecovers

nice to meet you, turtlefgal. my daughter is an alcoholic/addict, and alanon really helps me. as well as private counseling. the first few meetings are kind of hard to get to, i felt similiar. i've been going to the same 2 groups since last sept, and boy - i don't know where i'd be right now without those folks.

keep posting! blessings, k

wister

Big Sis's discription was pretty much what mine was like. Everything but the part about the steps. There are 2 meetings a week where I went that are step meetings and that other two are discussion. Saturday is a discussion so after the introduction different people shared. Some people mentioned the steps in their sharring kind of in passing, and they were all read as part of the introduction, but that was about all. The prayers, steps, everything that was read by 1 person or repeated as a group was posted on the walls. We ended with the Lord's Prayer.

Turtle Gal

Thank you everyone for your kind responses! I found a meeting this morning, actually got there early, which was a good thing, because it filled up quickly. Everyone there was so supportive and caring. I'm planning on going back next week. I need to learn how to start working on me, and not worrying so much about what my AH is doing. It really helps hearing other people share, to know I'm not alone.

Wister, thanks for your earlier post. Were you able to get to a meeting today too?

Turtle Gal

Hi Wister,
I guess we were typing at the same time! I'm so glad you went to a meeting too! That's how mine went too.

wister

Turtle~My meeting was also really full. I was glad that I too showed up a few min early. There was one woman that came in 15 min before the end...so I guess that answers your question about being only 10 min late.