Don't Want To Go Back To Old Ways HELP!
 

Hi there! I'm coming home from a weeks vacation on Sunday and was in need of some advice so i don't go back to my freaking out ways at home. I've decided to go back to the gym at night after work after a month off :( So that takes care of my dinner times, i work 9-5 Mon-Fri. and the weekends are usually the beach or out with friends. My problem is that my exrabf works in my town and his exgf lives near me and and i DON'T want to freak out everytime i see "what might be them" and feel like i'm in a constant paranoid state that i may see them. I don't even know if they are back together, which is the biggest problem that i've created for myself.

I was thinking of staying at my parents this coming week as they are still on vacation and that would take me out of my hometown another week. I know i will eventually run into him but i just don't want to digress from this past week anymore than i have. I feel it's do or die for me after this vacation........please, suggestions would be great.

Not to mention that my ex is the one that should be in hiding....NOT ME :/ Thanks in advance!!

I have stayed with friends or family members when I knew I was fragile.
Staying at your parents sounds like a great idea!
Protect yourself, physically and emotionally. It's good for you! :)

my ex and i lived about 50 feet apart (still do) when we split ... she had her "friend" (who she cheated on me with) live with her the past 2.5 months. i had to live seeing their cars every day in the parking lot, and once in awhile bumping into them outside (of course, we all pretended like we didn't know each other). at first it was pure torture. i would feel so sick just knowing they were in her apartment together... or out together.

the good news is, that i did get used to it. i was no longer afraid to walk out my front door. they had no right to make ME feel uncomfortable where i lived! it was nuts what i was doing to myself. it did take weeks, but the anxiety i felt walking to my car or coming home every day slowly disappeared. but, i would try to avoid any kind of run-in if i could.

staying at your parents is a good idea. i did that a lot the past few months, at first, and now it's been a month and a half since i've felt the need to go "home" - if that says anything. :) i hope you had a good trip! where did you go?!

I vote for you to go to your parents house too...why tempt fate when you have other options.

The kind of experience you have been thru makes you vulnerable your wound is still fresh give yourself every break you can. Be gentle with yourself...

The fact that you aren't even sure if they are back together (did he give you a reason to think that, or are you creating that situation in your own head) should tell you that you are spending way too much time on someone that you aren't with. Have you been to an Al-Anon meeting lately? You can't control situations that are out of your control. If they are back together, then there is nothing you can do about that. If you run into him, there is nothing you can do about that either short of moving out of your town. If you need to do that, then maybe you should look into those steps. At least you will be taking control of the situation instead of letting it control you. I hope you find peace with this situation. As far as your parents' home for the next week? If you really feel you need to do that to keep your peace of mind, then do it. But just remember that you can't avoid the situation forever and eventually you will have to face your fears. Just do it one day at a time.

Jenny

I do what seems right for me at the time and try to stay out of the shoulds of others. What works for me may not work for you. At the beginning I was very, very protective of myself. I can imagine if that meant staying away for a while I would have done that. I didn't need to, but I did do whatever I needed to do to heal.

An analogy for me would be, would I say to a recovering alcoholic, hey start hanging around with your drinking buddies and go to bars because they're always going to be there? Early recovery is not the time to hear "buck up."

Take what you like and leave the rest.

Take care of you.

When we were on a "break" for him to "clear his head" i found out that he was on his way to NH with his ex and friends for the weekend. So that is why i think they are in contact again more than he claims. Last message he left me was that nothing was going on with them and never would. Well, i never thought he would go away with her in the first place when we were still together. That's why i need to get pissed instead of sad, he's a loser BIGTIME. Who sneaks away with their ex unless you are a LOSER. Sorry to vent, just still shocked i guess.


Inthis...I went to Martha's Vineyard for the week, beautiful :)

(((hbb)))

This is the part that really sux. You're hurt and don't want to think about them with someone else, and terrified of seeing them together.

ITFM said it beautifully - no one has the right to make you feel uncomfortable in your hometown.

I agree with Denny - what works for others might not work for you - you are the best judge of what you need. If the thought of it right now is causing you harm, why not stay at your parent's. Just until you feel stronger:)

You guys are so right, and i haven't been avoiding my town or surrounding areas. HE'S the one that can hide and it seems he's laying lower than his usual nothing to do low because my brother's gf usually sees him around her house cause they live nearby but hasn't at all. He should be laying low, he's a creep :( His issues go way beyond alcohol these days i believe. Alcohol is what initially got us in this problem but if i told you guys the family issues you would be jaw on the ground....thats why everyone tells me it's a blessing in disguise because you "marry the family" as my counselor says.

He passed me last week and was looking back every which way he could to see me go by....felt kinda good, but he didn't stop to talk.....oh well, i try to say his loss and mean it but lack of self esteem these days has a hold of me :(

Too funny! I "caught" mine doing that when he drove past my car while I was waiting to turn. All I kept thinking was "Why do you even bother - you threw ME out bozo-brain! Or do you forget so quickly?"

I stopped pretending I had feelings I didn't. I stopped saying I didn't care. Because I DID care. One day, I didn't care anymore.

I know deep down inside, without a doubt that he will be alone at 45, 55, 65 and so on so i need to move on myself. There is nothing that is holding us together, he owes major back taxes, now owes me alot of money, has a crappy job, isn't honest....i know all of this, it's just hard to fathom that the person you loved soooo much could basically live a double life. Once i get home and back to my meetings and support systems i'm hoping to get on the right track. Like Barbara said in an earlier post, he needs to stop having such control over me, he's not worth the space in my head anymore.

This is kinda off topic but it reminded me of summer of 99 when I was dating this guy who went up to Martha's Vineyard for a sailing regata and I get a call from him the day he is supposed to be returning home letting me know that he wouldn't be back until later in the week that he had passed out walking home to his grandparents place up there on someone's lawn and was woken up by the police who gave him a choice they would give him a ride or he could go in an ambulance to the hospital. So he said I'll get a ride with you guys. LOL...little did he know a ride with them meant Jail. Needless to say as soon as I heard about all of this I started planing my escape from the relationship.

Ya the Vineyard has pretty much turned into a place where i recoup from break ups these days. My other bf broke up with me while i was over here over the phone and we had been together 5 years. Great guys ;) I'm just hoping to come home and go about my business. School starts soon around here and my mother goes back to teach and i can't wait to hear about my exbf's and her run in in the hallway!!! Should be interesting but knowing him, he'll put his head down like a coward and just walk by....

Whoa there you don't really want that do you?

Heather you and I seem to be stuck on the roundabout at the moment and it's making us dizzzzy. Question for you if you were to find out that your x wasnt seeing anyone would that make it easier???and if yes what would it change in your situation with him???

Im asking cos im preparing myself for the same thing to happen to me and you always give me good advise.

ps did you have a good holiday?

Mair x

Splendra your right as always, i know....i really need to tell myself once and for all that he's not the one for me and his actions towards me were that much worse.

Mair, no it wouldn't be better i guess, at least with his ex i know what he's getting, a piece of dung!!!! No, nothing matters anymore other than me trying to get back to my old life where i actually laughed and had fun. I'm just so scared. Theres an end of the summer party in a few weeks which i decided not to go because he's a member there and i decided not to put myself in that position.

There are no other words than I FEEL COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY LOST these days :(

Me too Heather, me tooxxx your not alone sweetie

Mair x

I'm sure one day i'll look back and say thank God but just getting there without talking too much time is the hardest thing for me to cope with. My mom gave me a suggestion today, she said look at it this way, when you go home tomorrow, it's not like things will get any worse, they can only get better from here if i'm willing to LET GO :(