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I don't understand

Old 08-09-2007, 06:20 PM
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I don't understand

How can a father leave his kids?

I was doing good, moving forward...then I started seeing very very positive actions and reactions from G. He was turning himself around. But he still couldn't admit that he cannot drink. Nevertheless, I opened the door to the chance that maybe...just maybe.

The night before he fled, he told me....I never should have started drinking. I drink here and there and as long as its beer I can stay focused, but the here and there leads to drinking on weekends, and then the next weekend and that leads to whiskey. That's when I loose focus. That's what leads to drugs.



G violated his probation. He had 2 years on the shelf. He was an emotional wreck....and drinking heavy b/c he was feeling lower and lower. He was crying .... and my heart truly went out to him. He was doing so much better and staying focused. He was staying with his sister and she was driving him back and forth to work b/c he didn't have a vehicle when he got out of jail in January. The chains were cut when he got his truck two months ago, and he began to make some bad choices. Which led to him voilating his probation...2 years on the shelf. And it scared the hell out of him to have to go back to jail and be away from his kids for that long. Then he fled....more bad choices. I think he went to Florida.

Of course the first thing I tried to do was control the situation, look for him before he got on the bus and talk some sense into him. When I realized it was too late........I cried everyday for almost 2 weeks. Now, I have a hundred emotions going through me. I prayed to God to take my pain away, the kids don't deserve this. They need me to be strong and focused.

I CANNOT control G's situation........but I can control mine. So, I got my rear out of bed and stopped feeling sorry for myself. When I start feeling down, I get up and get busy. Just gotta stay busy.

A part of me is sympathetic to how he's feeling. We all know that alcoholics have a very low self esteem in the first place. I know he feels like a failure. He was doing good and made a mistake that took him right back where he needs to be. But then a part of me is saying "[email protected] knew what was at risk!" Now he just leaves me with all the responsibility while he goes off and has a good ole time???

I just don't understand..........WHY DON'T HE CALL?? Truth be told, it hurts! I feel lost and very empty. I am irritable and fighting depression. I have to get my attention off of him and back on me and the kids. Next week we'll be on vacation....I pray that will help.

My dad left us (just disappeared and we didn't see him for a long long time) when him and my mom got divorced. I know how much that affected me. What will this do to my kids? Actually, they seem to be handling this better than me........go figure.

I'll be ok. Just needed to vent. Take care of me, one day at a time.
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Old 08-11-2007, 04:18 AM
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That's what alcoholics do. Take care of you and your kids enjoy them all you can. So sorry to hear of your troubles it breaks my heart what this disease can do to families.

Mair x
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Old 08-11-2007, 07:24 AM
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Jessica,

He set himself up for all of this. By running away he's just adding to the drama and playing poor me victim.

Remember A's in active addiction think only of themselves.

Take care of you. Let go and Let God.

Earthworm


Originally Posted by JessicaNAJ View Post
How can a father leave his kids?

I was doing good, moving forward...then I started seeing very very positive actions and reactions from G. He was turning himself around. But he still couldn't admit that he cannot drink. Nevertheless, I opened the door to the chance that maybe...just maybe.

The night before he fled, he told me....I never should have started drinking. I drink here and there and as long as its beer I can stay focused, but the here and there leads to drinking on weekends, and then the next weekend and that leads to whiskey. That's when I loose focus. That's what leads to drugs.



G violated his probation. He had 2 years on the shelf. He was an emotional wreck....and drinking heavy b/c he was feeling lower and lower. He was crying .... and my heart truly went out to him. He was doing so much better and staying focused. He was staying with his sister and she was driving him back and forth to work b/c he didn't have a vehicle when he got out of jail in January. The chains were cut when he got his truck two months ago, and he began to make some bad choices. Which led to him voilating his probation...2 years on the shelf. And it scared the hell out of him to have to go back to jail and be away from his kids for that long. Then he fled....more bad choices. I think he went to Florida.

Of course the first thing I tried to do was control the situation, look for him before he got on the bus and talk some sense into him. When I realized it was too late........I cried everyday for almost 2 weeks. Now, I have a hundred emotions going through me. I prayed to God to take my pain away, the kids don't deserve this. They need me to be strong and focused.

I CANNOT control G's situation........but I can control mine. So, I got my rear out of bed and stopped feeling sorry for myself. When I start feeling down, I get up and get busy. Just gotta stay busy.

A part of me is sympathetic to how he's feeling. We all know that alcoholics have a very low self esteem in the first place. I know he feels like a failure. He was doing good and made a mistake that took him right back where he needs to be. But then a part of me is saying "[email protected] knew what was at risk!" Now he just leaves me with all the responsibility while he goes off and has a good ole time???

I just don't understand..........WHY DON'T HE CALL?? Truth be told, it hurts! I feel lost and very empty. I am irritable and fighting depression. I have to get my attention off of him and back on me and the kids. Next week we'll be on vacation....I pray that will help.

My dad left us (just disappeared and we didn't see him for a long long time) when him and my mom got divorced. I know how much that affected me. What will this do to my kids? Actually, they seem to be handling this better than me........go figure.

I'll be ok. Just needed to vent. Take care of me, one day at a time.
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Old 08-11-2007, 10:46 AM
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Thank you for your support. Each day gets a little easier and the anticipation of his phone call is getting easier to bear. But I still jump when the phone rings and I still wish it was him. But I try to stay busy and I am pay closer attention to be sure I spend more quality time with the kids.


ps.......my apologies for the double post of this thread. I honestly don't know how that happened.
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Old 08-11-2007, 06:53 PM
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this isn't an excuse for them... I don't understand it either, other than some men don't get in the caretaker/giver role and step up to their responsibility. I have been married twice, both time as the 2nd wife to men that had families. Also had a sort of long term relationship (getting smarter, didn't marry that time) to a guy that had kids. All of these men, one a dry drunk, the others active A, didn't take responsibility, nor care about their children. 1st exah, didn't see his d from the age of 4 till she was 14, and that was only when he was pursued to pay his child support... 2nd - dry drunk, religuished his parent visitation, so he Didn't have to pay his back child support and the xabf, I would guess - still owes thousands for this adult children - they are in their mid to late 30's. It's probably a good thing, these kids had at least one reliable parent, who cared...

Take care of you and your kids enjoy them all you can.
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Old 08-11-2007, 07:53 PM
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(((((awwww jessie, hun)))))))

i'm so sorry you are hurting again after such a good start off. these tender hearts of ours can just keep leading us back into the chaos......we want to believe they mean it this time....want to believe the true person will magically re-appear.

i had to learn to love mine from a distance......much like having a beloved, dangerous species of animal that had to be kept in a paddock behind electrified fences. i could stand back afar, and admire his beauty, his nature, his abilities.....but i could not touch or caress because he could have just as well ate me up while nuzzling my hand through the fence.

they just do what they do, jessie....you know that. he may not be ready yet.

just to share.......my xh is finally seeking alternative treatments, which are very promising. he has tried rehabs, aa, detoxes, half-way houses, jail...etc. it was finally determined that he had underlying mental illnesses that needed addressed aloong with the alcoholism.

he is on an experimental shot, once a month, and intensive therapy.....therapist twice a week, psych one a week, has been accepted in voc-rehab, and is in the system for all kinds of different kinds of treatments. it's all pretty new stuff.

i've never seen this approach.....although they still encourage aa, they also have a very different approach to sobriety.

i'm very interested in seeing the outcome of this.

lots of hugs to you, jessie
jeri
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Old 08-11-2007, 09:21 PM
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Originally Posted by embraced2000 View Post
i had to learn to love mine from a distance......much like having a beloved, dangerous species of animal that had to be kept in a paddock behind electrified fences. i could stand back afar, and admire his beauty, his nature, his abilities.....but i could not touch or caress because he could have just as well ate me up while nuzzling my hand through the fence.


Thanks for that little bit.....I think this is what I need to teach myself. Maybe I can then appreciate who he is without getting my heart broken.
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Old 08-11-2007, 10:57 PM
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Sweetie, you know as we all do this is the alcholic, this is what they do. I to love mine from a distance, I will always Love him. But now I focus on me and the 3 kids, what is best for us. I opened a child support case so the gov can track him for me and I never have to be involved witth trying to understand how? Why? What is he thinking? Leaving the kids. It is hard very hard, but I am a better Mom this way. Take car and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Good luck
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