LisaWayne

Ahhh man. I feel so low…my arms feel heavy and weak from the weight of my depression. I have been feeling this sense of urgency. The amount of alcohol my AH is consuming is increasing. His tolerance is increasing. How much more can his poor diabetic body handle? I know the human body is capable of taking this abuse for years and years and years…but for some reason.. I have been having this feeling of impending doom. That’s nothing new. Been living with that feeling for too long all ready! But it’s been accompanied by this sense of urgency, this sense that I need to take action, take care of me and my boys. Nothing, other than the number of bottles he brings home, has changed that I can tell, just my feelings. Anyway I start to look around and weigh my options. HOLY COW! Who can afford to move, buy, rent anything without a second income these days???? I understand that the whole process of getting out will be much more difficult than I had naively believed it would be. My first thought had been to do this on my own. Figuring I should not count on him for any support. I dont think he will come through with it even if it’s court ordered…. Anyway the enormity of the whole process and the fact that I cant do this on my salary (and stay in the same city.. so as not to force the kids into new schools on top of it all)..has opened my eyes and deflated my sense of urgency to a sense of defeat…time to digest the facts and regroup… come up with a new plan…hope his health holds out and the dysfunction remains status quo for what? Another year? two?
Took a long time falling asleep last night…tried to meditate and relax… not think about another year or two in that house.. finally got to sleep just before the 4.5 earthquake rattled the house. Our wedding picture got knocked off the shelf and broke. As if I really needed a sign! Maybe it was meant for him! HA!

Mskattie

I am sorry you are going through hard times. I know how expensive to be on your own here in Southern California. I just started living by myself about 6 months ago (Thanks to that tax return!) but it is a struggle every month...! I don't have any good advise to offer, but please be kind to yourself and take one day at a time.

Astro

((((LW)))) Thank you for sharing, again I'm hearing what my ex was probably contemplating three years ago.

Help will be along soon, you're in my prayers.

GlassPrisoner

When I first sobered up, I was supporting myself and my 14 YO daughter on my $1800.00/mos unemployment. Rent is almost $1300. It ain't easy, but it's doable.

As far as plan A. Realistic expectations are OK, but I've found to just go with the flow, and not have a real hard, concrete, inflexible idea about how things will turn out.

Hang in there.

LisaWayne

Thanks for the response guys.. I get hope and comfort from the experiences shared here.. and all the little sayings.. they really do help calm me down.... I will eventually have to make a choice or face a day when the choice has been taken out of my hands...I am hoping to take my kids to a "healthier" situation and not jump into the fire with them...

lostnfound1961

My AH is also a diabetic. He had not been feeling well for some time but never told me. One night he admited that he could see 8 street lights where there was only one. YIKES! He also told me he could not see them at all during the day. (as if they were not on). Here he had been driving like this for months!!! I had people tell me he nearly got in several accedents and I coulnd't understand what what goin on tell he admited his vision was all out of wack.

I made him go to the doctor though he wanted to wate another month or two to see if it went away. I said NO and he went. They in turn sent him to the hosiptal and his blood suger was at 800. When I got to the hospital the doctor was amazed he was talking because most people are in a coma by the time their suger gets that high.

He knows the drinking will lead to his death or at least to parts of him getting cut off over time. He knows it causes E.D. but still drinks, what he doesn't know or wont admit is that he is an alcoholic.

OH get this..... I recently found out that my not drinking...... It's just a way to dig him about his drinking. Makes him look bad. WHAT?! It drives him nuts when people ask me why I stopped drinking and I say I'm an alcoholic.

Gosh, I'm sorry my doing the right thing makes you look bad. Give me a break.

parentrecovers

stay away of the fire! blessings, k

an'ka

I'm here to say that it CAN be done. I supported my unemployed AH and then a brand new baby on my own until I moved out. Now, it's just me and my little one. I bought a condo in Feb--it's tiny, but it's mine and in a good part of town. Paycheck to paycheck, but almost no debt and an old, old car. I can't afford even a used one, so I pray to heavens that it doesn't die.

I am happy and peaceful and grateful for everything that I DO have. Don't surrender to fear--develop a viable action plan and take that first step. I promise you, it gets easier as you go. Best of luck!

lillamy

This is my AH too. To a T. He's beginning to see the E.D. (well, I should say we are...) but it's always because "he's tired" or "he gave blood yesterday" or something. So not even that is phasing him.

Lisa, I got no good advice (per usual). Just keep taking care of yourself. Keep taking care of those boys. And if plan A is a no-go, you'll come up with a plan B. I know you will.