Droopy ABF
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: "Somewhere in Ohio" ... little joke from past
Posts: 481
Droopy ABF
A week ago, my ABF and I, along with my daughter and her friend, went on a cruise. On "The Day After The Cruise" we had several things to begin. Some were financial, but the big ones were that I would begin a weight loss program, and my ABF would begin to wean himself off his 25 beers a day.
Since then, he has been unusually quiet. He is generally a talkative, jovial sort, laughing, riling me, kidding around. Now he frankly sounds like he's on antidepressants. I'm having a hard time actually describing it. Flat toned? I ask him how he's "doing" and he says "I'm doing great, just like I said I would." I'll be able to verify it in a month when I go to visit him, but in the meantime, the phone conversations have my intuition going "hmmmm, what's this all about?"
You folks have seen it all, and I'm constantly saying "WOW, that's happening to them too?!" Any insight on this one for me? Thanks!
Since then, he has been unusually quiet. He is generally a talkative, jovial sort, laughing, riling me, kidding around. Now he frankly sounds like he's on antidepressants. I'm having a hard time actually describing it. Flat toned? I ask him how he's "doing" and he says "I'm doing great, just like I said I would." I'll be able to verify it in a month when I go to visit him, but in the meantime, the phone conversations have my intuition going "hmmmm, what's this all about?"
You folks have seen it all, and I'm constantly saying "WOW, that's happening to them too?!" Any insight on this one for me? Thanks!
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: San Fernando Valley, CA
Posts: 20
When my AH tries to go a couple days without a drink he becomes tense and even more sensitve and paranoid than usual, with a wild look in his eyes like he is about to flip out. That's what white knuckling it does for him...
I hope your guy finds his way to a meeting soon..
I hope your guy finds his way to a meeting soon..
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,015
Take away my beer, take away my fun and the tool I use for coping with life. And eventually, I loved my DOC more than I loved the woman I married. I also realized when I sobered up that I'd been covering up depression for 27 years, medicating it with booze.
AA meetings make me happy. Being a sober father to two beautiful children makes me even happier. Having a great girlfriend who works a fantastic program makes me ecstatic. Recovery makes me REALLY happy, but it's been a long journey to reach this point and it requires constant action.
AA meetings make me happy. Being a sober father to two beautiful children makes me even happier. Having a great girlfriend who works a fantastic program makes me ecstatic. Recovery makes me REALLY happy, but it's been a long journey to reach this point and it requires constant action.
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
but the big ones were that I would begin a weight loss program, and my ABF would begin to wean himself off his 25 beers a day.
His mood swings are normal. I wonder if he'll be able to taper though. I couldn't, and all the alkies I know couldn't.
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
most folks aren't "great" in early recovery...unless they are working some kind of recovery program with support, etc.
what about you? you going to alanon or anything?
take care of you. that's all you can do today..
blessings, k
what about you? you going to alanon or anything?
take care of you. that's all you can do today..
blessings, k
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: "Somewhere in Ohio" ... little joke from past
Posts: 481
Oh yeah, I made "the deal." Well, heck, I needed to lose 30 pounds anyway. And I've fallen for every other trick in the book when it comes to dealing with an A, so why not this one too?
I have begun talking to his XGF who has horrendous stories to tell about her affair with him. He still calls her, and tells me he's not calling her. I thought SHE was the one after him. It's the other way. He calls for her support and friendship (doesn't ask for anything more she says), but after becoming disassociated from him she cannot even bear to have coffee with him.
After talking with her last night, I know he's not going to be able to do this. The good out of us having several conversations is that although she doesn't want to be in his life, she is willing to organize an intervention. How things can change quickly, I tell you.
I have begun talking to his XGF who has horrendous stories to tell about her affair with him. He still calls her, and tells me he's not calling her. I thought SHE was the one after him. It's the other way. He calls for her support and friendship (doesn't ask for anything more she says), but after becoming disassociated from him she cannot even bear to have coffee with him.
After talking with her last night, I know he's not going to be able to do this. The good out of us having several conversations is that although she doesn't want to be in his life, she is willing to organize an intervention. How things can change quickly, I tell you.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Sounds like a typical substance abuser. Lots of lies, lots of bargains, weird little pseudo-infidelity things everywhere, trail of bad relationships behind him. Prepare yourself for the day (which will come soon) when he'll say "well, you haven't lost the weight, guess I shouldn't feel bad about still drinking." Don't be surprised.
Do what you want & need to do for YOU. Focusing on him will make you insane. Have you tried Al-Anon meetings?
Do what you want & need to do for YOU. Focusing on him will make you insane. Have you tried Al-Anon meetings?
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
"weird little pseudo-infidelity things everywhere"
Thanks for identifying and describing that potentially crazy-making side of life with an addict. I used to call XABF on those "WLP-ITs" and there would always be an excuse or a reason, in his eyes. But!! Heaven help me if I even mentioned another man! It's all part of the dishonest existence As live.
((((((CBrown)))))) I am glad to read your ABF is long-distance. That might make it easier for you to let him go and start living your life for you. Lose weight for you and not as part of a deal. He is only going to go sober when he is ready and that might take forever.
ARL
Thanks for identifying and describing that potentially crazy-making side of life with an addict. I used to call XABF on those "WLP-ITs" and there would always be an excuse or a reason, in his eyes. But!! Heaven help me if I even mentioned another man! It's all part of the dishonest existence As live.
((((((CBrown)))))) I am glad to read your ABF is long-distance. That might make it easier for you to let him go and start living your life for you. Lose weight for you and not as part of a deal. He is only going to go sober when he is ready and that might take forever.
ARL
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: "Somewhere in Ohio" ... little joke from past
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Hey, I'm happy to report I'm down 6.1 pounds and already feeling better! I LIKE my side of the bargain. HAHA!
As for the "weird little pseudo-infidelity things" I got a ton more stories from the XGF in the last couple days. You cannot believe the webs has has been weaving for 20 years. Half truths, spins, disappearing acts, inability to work. Oh man. Well, reality has smacked me in the face, but the good news is this. As a team, she and I are going to work hard on getting an interventionist. Wouldn't you know she has volunteered in the field and had two children go through substance rehab. She has been trying to heal the past few years, but now wants to finally help my ABF (or XABF) some help.
Yes, it is WONDERFUL having distance. So when he called today, on the road with friends on the way to a festival (where they'll all drink heavily), I couldn't possibly find them a room to stay in overnight. With any luck, they'll get stopped for DWI immediately.
As for the "weird little pseudo-infidelity things" I got a ton more stories from the XGF in the last couple days. You cannot believe the webs has has been weaving for 20 years. Half truths, spins, disappearing acts, inability to work. Oh man. Well, reality has smacked me in the face, but the good news is this. As a team, she and I are going to work hard on getting an interventionist. Wouldn't you know she has volunteered in the field and had two children go through substance rehab. She has been trying to heal the past few years, but now wants to finally help my ABF (or XABF) some help.
Yes, it is WONDERFUL having distance. So when he called today, on the road with friends on the way to a festival (where they'll all drink heavily), I couldn't possibly find them a room to stay in overnight. With any luck, they'll get stopped for DWI immediately.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: "Somewhere in Ohio" ... little joke from past
Posts: 481
Hey, I'm happy to report I'm down 6.1 pounds and already feeling better! I LIKE my side of the bargain. HAHA!
As for the "weird little pseudo-infidelity things" I got a ton more stories from the XGF in the last couple days. You cannot believe the webs has has been weaving for 20 years. Half truths, spins, disappearing acts, inability to work. Oh man. Well, reality has smacked me in the face, but the good news is this. As a team, she and I are going to work hard on getting an interventionist. Wouldn't you know she has volunteered in the field and had two children go through substance rehab. She has been trying to heal the past few years, but now wants to finally help my ABF (or XABF) some help.
Yes, it is WONDERFUL having distance. So when he called today, on the road with friends on the way to a festival (where they'll all drink heavily), I couldn't possibly find them a room to stay in overnight. With any luck, they'll get stopped for DWI immediately.
As for the "weird little pseudo-infidelity things" I got a ton more stories from the XGF in the last couple days. You cannot believe the webs has has been weaving for 20 years. Half truths, spins, disappearing acts, inability to work. Oh man. Well, reality has smacked me in the face, but the good news is this. As a team, she and I are going to work hard on getting an interventionist. Wouldn't you know she has volunteered in the field and had two children go through substance rehab. She has been trying to heal the past few years, but now wants to finally help my ABF (or XABF) some help.
Yes, it is WONDERFUL having distance. So when he called today, on the road with friends on the way to a festival (where they'll all drink heavily), I couldn't possibly find them a room to stay in overnight. With any luck, they'll get stopped for DWI immediately.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
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I will be blunt: what are YOU getting out of this relationship? Okay, so you got the dirt on him from his ex. So what? He's doing what addicts do. Will the information she gave you about him help you to determine whether or not you want to end the relationship or stay in it? I'm happy you are losing weight. That's a positive thing to do.
Pseudo-infidilities also equate to pseudo-relationships. So you and the exGF are going to stage an intervention? Well, it's worth a shot. He may see the light. Just be prepared if he finds a case of beer more alluring than sobriety. You might want to check out Al-Anon meetings for yourself because you sound motivated about working on yourself.
Pseudo-infidilities also equate to pseudo-relationships. So you and the exGF are going to stage an intervention? Well, it's worth a shot. He may see the light. Just be prepared if he finds a case of beer more alluring than sobriety. You might want to check out Al-Anon meetings for yourself because you sound motivated about working on yourself.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: "Somewhere in Ohio" ... little joke from past
Posts: 481
I am getting nothing out of this relationship. He's a witty guy, but the stories are drunken tales so they're not funny. He was a sexy guy, but his morals are deplorable, so that's not sexy and now he's impotent. He was a Mensa member, but his brain cells are fried so he's "retired." He's rich, so he can take me on trips, but I have to drag him back to the room and put up with his verbal rants. So I am truly getting nothing.
His XGF and I pity him and made the commitment to trying to get him to rehab and possibly institutionalized legally for a while to see if his life can be lengthened. If not, we shake the sand from our sandals and move on. I love him on some level, but I will not destroy myself while he goes down.
His XGF and I pity him and made the commitment to trying to get him to rehab and possibly institutionalized legally for a while to see if his life can be lengthened. If not, we shake the sand from our sandals and move on. I love him on some level, but I will not destroy myself while he goes down.
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
Hey CBrown. I agree with Prodigal.
Wieght loss is nice, but it's not your biggest problem right now. Niether is what he did or didn't do, and wether you have "the dirt" on him.
He won't seek recovery until the pain is great enough. If he's rich, he may be able to avoid any consequences for a looonnngggg time.
Get yourself into recovery first and foremost before you go insane. Work on YOU. Forget about him.
Wieght loss is nice, but it's not your biggest problem right now. Niether is what he did or didn't do, and wether you have "the dirt" on him.
He won't seek recovery until the pain is great enough. If he's rich, he may be able to avoid any consequences for a looonnngggg time.
Get yourself into recovery first and foremost before you go insane. Work on YOU. Forget about him.
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