pineapple2007

Ya. Forget about that phone call I was crying and dying about.
Me and ex crossed paths yesterday evening……….
Yesterday I worked a shift I do not normally work (fitness centre attendant on wednesdays).
My ex is a member of the fitness centre.
We agreed he wouldn’t come in when I was working. So she showed up on my off day (yesterday evening), but I was covering for a co worker.

So there he is, working out...pumping weights, taking care of himself like he said he would…. doing his own thing, minding his own business, taking care of himself. I had a feeling it would happen that he would come in during my off day.
This was all totally unplanned.

So when his work out was finished he came into my office to chat. We pretty much caught up on each other’s life’s. the "what have u been up to? how is ur mom, bro, etc" that whole jazz.

Then we got into deeper stuff. (He really brought it on) About the vacation, and how he is still so sorry, he even looked me in the eye and said "I feel so bad that you have ever met me...." And I looked at him and said "take that out of ur thinking..." yada yada.
We talked about his recovery and what steps hes taking, yada yada. He says he doesn’t feel any better.. it sucks, he still thinks about drinking every night, but he’s trying his hardest, etc.

Then my shift was over, and he’s like want ‘me to walk u home?’, I accepted.
Then we walk to my apartment… and he’s like, wanna go walk up the street and get something to eat. I was like sure why not… we get pizza slice… sit in the park, eat, chat some more… I apologized for having conversations about his recovery and old memories, how I was feeling, etc. and he understood. Hes like “no no, don’t worry, its all good, It’s been a lonely few weeks, there is a lot we gotta get off our chest and we are doing it now…so don’t worry” why is he so understanding!!!!!

Anyways…. Then we leave the park… he walks me home… and I kinda start breaking down…not crying but getting really overwhelmed. I was actually having an anxiety attack, and on top of that I felt like an idiot because I wanted to remain STRONG. But there I was- moping, slouching…talking about my problems…. And there he was, comforting ME. He hooked arms with me telling me “I understand what you are going through…(and he named all my problems! everything from my best friend ditching me-my mom being a jerk-my brother leaving, etc, etc) and he kept saying “its going to be ok”

I regret this --and only this-- from last night because I feel why the hell did I get it to the point where HE was COMFORTING ME. I feel like a jerk. And then I really realized. We are both in positions were we BOTH cannot be in a relationship, with each other/anyone. I realized that he was working on HIS recovery, he was doing HIS homework and I had NOT been doing MY HOME WORK.

So we get to my apartment and at this point it was comfortable enough that I was able to say whatever… so I told him I had some items I had been meaning to give him from months back and we went upstairs and got the stuff… felt good to finally give them to him!!!! I am happy about that…. And he loved the stuff… (they were just gifts that were pretty much inside jokes) so it meant a lot to him. But those gifts have been taunting me for weeks! Now they are gone, yyaay!! So then we parted… he called me when he got home to see if I got home ok. (coz when he left I took a walk around the block alone, to clear my head).

We had a few laughs on the phone…
Today I am not obsessing. We agreed on something:. I said “I do not want you to have thoughts of “I wish you didn’t have to met me!” and he agreed and replied “fine, than u agree you won’t worry about me drinking again, etc” and we agreed on that.
The conversation ended after we busted a joke, and then we said goodbye.

And for some reason, I am ok today. (maybe it’s the omega 3 capsules I started taking, lol)
What ever it is, I feel calm.
I realized, he’s doing his homework everyday/night, I better start doing mine!

Rella927

Yup you got it girl! That is a start now just stick with that mind set and plunge forward! How about trying and Al-Anon meeting? Did you read some stickies yet?

ICU

That's a huge 'realization' on your part. Good for you!

Sounds like you're in the 'closure' or maybe even the 'acceptance' phase. Sometimes these 'off-chance' meetings happen for a reason.

pineapple2007

Ya. I think i am reaching the acceptance phase. when HE told ME "please dont worry yourself with me, take that of your mind" I kinda realized... hes right, YOU ARE ALL RIGHT!!! And at that moment I felt my selfwill sort of ...blow away.

I feel lighter today. Like someone took --not the rock off my head-- but maybe a few big pebbles! lol ...

Ya I think God said "Alright, she won't kick start her own recovery, let me give her a nice wake up call! (seeing him yesterday)" lol. Ya I im starting to believe the unplanned meeting happened for a reason. aswell.

Rella927

Yup the man upstairs works in ways that are good for us-he will guide you and knock you on the head a few times until you see what you need for yourself!

Then grab on to it and do the work! And if you do not you will repeat the same pattern over and over until you realize you are sick and tired of being sick and tired-

Keep going girl! You have a great start-

pineapple2007

ya. I agree.
Do any of you feel that, sometimes being on SR keeps you in the whole scene?
for the past few weeks, i have been reading and reading about alcoholism, alcoholics, why they drink, their brain development, where it stems from, their childhood, up bringing, their parents, etc. personal stories, etc, etc, etc.

I have just been consuming it all this information about alcoholism everyday... it kinda makes me feel I am prolonging my recovery/not moving forward... ..or something, or it could be that i am reading with the wrong mantality, maybe I am trying to find answer about HIM, and trying to understand HIM, instead of using it for ME, and MY recovery...maybe that is it!.... can anyone relate?

ICU

Yup! Yup! And Yup!

I've often felt staying here at SR has prolonged my recovery, at times. I felt it was keeping me immersed in my 'ex's' issues, and in the past. On top of that I realized I was being triggered with all sorts of various topics that would come up.

At this point in time (and my feelings might change on this tomorrow) I feel that it's up to me to determine when I need to be here and, when I need a break. It wasn't this place that was doing it to me....it was little 'ole 'me'!!!

If 'all' I do is to live, eat, sleep recovery 24/7, it becomes overwhelming. Balance is key.

I've spent the last couple of months being scarce around here. I'm beginning to come back. But you guys won't see me 'round here beginning this weekend into early next week. I'll be too busy 'living'. ;-) Gosh, I hope that didn't sound mean...like I was trying to imply that you folks don't have lives to live. No insult intended!! (Slapping forehead!!!) I see I still need to work on the 'open mouth insert foot' issue!!

pineapple2007

thanks ICU.

good to know some one relates. its so true, the topics trigger me to think different things....and i hate it! and then I am back to being on the fence/back and forth-ING things.... I don't want to be like that.... I just want to stay strong and ferm in my thoughts.... i guess i want to PRESsSsSsS towards the right direction.
That second guessing eats me up. You can almost feel the negetive thoughts CREEPING up in you..... but I have to shake it off in order to keep my concious clear, and my mind calm.

Im scared that thismight only be temporary ...