queenteree

I really don't know what to do about my AD. First of all, I don't know for sure if she is A, but I'm not naive to alcohol abuse and I see so many similarities between her and my RAH (not her biological father). Last week I wrote to you guys about her paychecks and losing her money and her lies and manipulation, etc. Well, I have been doing very good at detaching, just watching her kids while she works nights, etc. Not really conversing with her much. She got me good the other night though, she asked for money (which I ususally don't give her) for gas, and I gave her $30 to fill her tank. Anyway, she goes and "gets gas", comes back to get the kids and I said "OK, show me your gas tank", her gas tank was on 1/4 tank. I said $30 got you 1/4 tank, Wow you must have a big gas tank (sarcastically). She said no, she put $25 in it (don't believe it) and got coffee to make for am with the other $5. Anyway, my XFF (her landlord) told me yesterday when I got the kids that she's giving me the "heads up" that she's evicting AD. I told XFF to not tell me, to let AD know and keep me out of it. When AD called from work (as she usually does to check on the kids), I told her when she gets paid she better start saving her paychecks as XFF is serious and is evicting her. She was all good with that, said she had plans in the works, etc. This morning I get a phone call from XFF telling me that AD came home last night all "out of it" (how true this is, I don't know cause XFF has a history of making up stories also, but that's another story). She said AD told her that she fell asleep at the wheel and was in a car accident and some guy gave her a ride home but the car was totaled and she didn't want to go to the hospital cause she has no medical insurance. She claimed she was out of it cause she thinks she has a concusion. Then she changed the story to she had a flat, then back to car accident again, etc. Now, like I said, I don't know whether my D is an A, she could just be that way normally as she ages cause her biological father was a nut (abusive, demanding, liar, manipulator, etc. but never drank or did drugs a day in his life), but something's up. I'm not sure how to handle this since I know she will be full of lies today about what happened. And I'm so nervous to tell RAH since he is only 79 days sober, working the program, but it's still so early in his recovery, and she has been a thorn in our sides for 2 years now and since the car title is in his name, I'm afraid he'll be dragged into it. This girl has ruined my credit (ran up my credit card that I let her borrow for medicine, ran up my cell phone bill, and drained me dry paying her car insurance while RAH was/is paying her car payment). Enough is enough, but I don't know what to do. Help!!!

Taking5

One member of my home group has a saying "I don't like to pronounce anyone an alcoholic, but you sure got some of the symptoms".

Your daughter has some symptoms. It is time to confront here about her lack of honesty, and the general mess her life is right now. Ideally, she will see the light herself, and seek help.

RAH has his own recovery to worry about, and it should not matter what the daughter does. In any case, he needs to be told where she stands since there is a possibility he will be drug into it.

Your RAH might even HELP your daughter's recovery. In the big book it says "nothing helps us stay sober like working with another alcoholic". Your RAH should also know the women to help your daughter, through his own recovery program. It probably is not be a good thing for them to go to the same meetings however, as they may both share how they have hurt you, and maybe each other. This is not a recipe for good recovery, IMHO.

Good luck and let us know how it turns out.

queenteree

RAH told her last week he thinks she's got a problem and he'll be there if she needs help. Her comment was "just because you were a drunk doesn't mean I am." I have repeatedly told her that I think she needs some kind of help, be it counseling or AA. She gets really upset if I mention anything about drinking and/or other substances, or that maybe she needs counseling to deal with her abandonment issues (her biological father has not been a part of her life since she was 4 and she absolutely hates him with a passion, which is not good). She says she is fine, what about my sons (then tries to say how much they drink - don't know if they do or not, only know that they have good jobs, go to work, have their own places and are self supporting and don't ask me for anything), that I'm the one who made my husband a drunk cause I'm psycho, etc. I really doubt she'll she the light. This accident (she's had 2 others) will be a) either someone elses fault, b) the job's fault cause she fell asleep, c) the car's fault cause the other fime it was "brake failure" (yeah right). Nothing, and I mean NOTHING is ever her fault!!!! And if I confront her, it will just be lies, lies, lies (always is). And what I meant about RAH's recovery is being that it is still so early, he also is very co-dependent and I'm afraid that all this, on top of her maybe losing her job, having no money to support herself or her kids, or pay her car payment (loan is in RAH's name), possibly being sued or having no insurance on the car (RAH can get in trouble for that one also), it is all becoming too much for me, let alone a newly recovering alcoholic. I wish there was a way I could help him so he doesn't relapse. I just don't know how. I feel like drinking, and I'm not even one!!!!!

parentrecovers

it's such a family disease...hugs, k

Taking5

queentree,

Show your daughter this thread, if she will read it. Even if it is all denial on her part you may be planting a seed.

queenteree

She called me at work. Very surprised that I was calm and not upset at all. I told her it's her business what happened last night and to her car, that she'll have to take care of it on her own. She told me she was driving home and had a blow out on her tire (which she did need tires but kept putting it off), she lost control of the car and hit a pole. She said she couldn't find her cell phone and was disoriented so that's why she started walking home. Yeah, could all possibly be true, but she's also good at lying. Told her I don't care and that I'm glad she's alright. She said "you probably didn't say that this morning" I said "no, this morning I couldn't care whether you were alive or dead". Then she says "why doesn't RAH not pay the car and let them repo it and I'll take the bus to work?" I said "cause it will be on HIS credit that the car was repoed" She said "but that car is destined to kill me." I said "it hasn't done it yet." She said "well let me call the insurance company." So I said OK Bye. I think I handled it good. I have a saying on my desk that I kept looking at while I was talking to her. It says "Serenity isn't freedom from the storm; it is peace within the storm." I'm trying to always keep that in mind. Thanks for listening.