lostnfound1961

Last night I got home and my husband was drinking. (nothing new) Things seemed to be ok and we were getting along just fine. He asked me to go into the basement with him and I did. He said he wanted me to sing for him. (I have a karaoke system and love to sing) So I said ok and wanted to show off the two new songs I am working on. (Angel from Montgomery) and (Bang the Drum Slowly) Beautiful songs. So I sing the songs and felt good about how I sounded. I have the first one down pat and the second It comming along well. I put on a third song, a twangy country song and he stops me in mid song, to ask if I ever sing anything happy. He says "Don't you know any happy songs"? Well I hadn't thought about that, I was just singing songs that were more bluegrass, twangy sort of sound. So I looked and found a romantic song. (Groovy king Of Love) and sing it. I asked if he liked that one better and he said yes. He asked why I was mad and I said I wasn't. I sort of felt like he was trying to controle what I was going to sing but I let that go. On the next song...... I caught my refection in the TV set and felt sick. All I could think was, who the hell would want to hear THAT sing a love song. I got so turned off by seeing my self that I stopped and put stuff away and went upstairs to cook dinner. I had tried to stand to the side so as not to see it again but I couldn't get past what I felt about what I saw.

At first I tried to chalk it up to my husband being drunk and wanting me to do something that is special in my heart (sing) I then connect it to how I felt when my mom would be drunk and how she would tell me how special I was and how it made something that should have been good into something that felt bad and made me sick. Then I thought, it's just me. I am sick. Now....... Now I don't know what realy triggered that feeling. All I know for sure was it was overwelming.

Aint life grand sometimes.
D

ladyjane

(((lost)))
Don't ever stop singing.
_______________
Trish

lostnfound1961

The good thing is I realized what the trigger is and where the original feeling comes from. The bad thing is.... I don't know how to not feel that way.

denny57

I will always have certain feelings - they are feelings. It's what I do with them. Do I believe them or do I just accept it as a feeling and let it go? A good analogy for me is when I first look at photos of myself. I hate them all, pick out all my flaws. Six months, a year, or years later I look at them and think hey, I looked good!

lostnfound1961

I have days I look in the mirror and think, Damn you look good today and I feel good and all is right with the world. I feel like people notice how nice I look that day. Then I will look back a photo of my self on that day and think WHAT! Man I looked like crap! I just don't think I photo well.

I remember one day my husband and I were in the store. Here I had not one ouce of makeup on and my hair was just hanging there barely combed. I looked like, well.... You had to look hard to fined my eye lashes. LOL I looked bad that day but didn't care. So my husband pulls out his wallet to pay for the food and there is my photo, a glamer shot with tons of makup and my hair all done up and the cleark looks as the photo and then at me and in shock says (IS THAT YOU?) I laughed and said, Yah, amazing what five lbs of makup can do.

All I ever see are the flaws but a lot of times I just know thats what I look like and thats just how it is. It normaly does not bother me. I think with yesterday it was that I was singing something beautiful and saw something ugly in it because of how my mom was when she was drunk. I know she ment every kind word she said but because she was drunk I guess I feel you must have those drunken eyes to see what she saw in me and that just gets too sick and complicated. Oh well.... Again at least I understood it. If I was still drinking I would not have and would have either hated my self for looking like I do and feeling strang or been mad at my husband thinking he did this to me some how.
D

lillamy

Lost?
I just vacationed away from AH. When I looked in the mirror during that time, I was beautiful. Though someone commented that "every time you talk to your husband, the wrinkles in your forehead returns."

I bet you are beautiful, even without the five pounds of makeup. But living with someone whose controlling behavior robs you of your soul, you don't see your own beauty. The more time I spend in recovery, the more I see of myself in the mirror again. And I like myself. Flaws and all.

lostnfound1961

Thanks Lillamy.

sunshine321

I see both sides to what you are saying. It's great that you could identify what was going on with you and that you don't blame your AH for it. On the other hand, it was extremely sad to hear you say that ugliness came to mind when you looked at your reflection. I hope those feelings pass as you progress in recovery.

I totally identified when you said you felt your AH was trying to control what you were singing. You were right when you said that and it hit a chord with me too. Who cares what you sing if you find it beautiful? My abf does the same thing all the time to me and I HATE IT! It drives me crazy. I am just not accepted for who I am and what I like or love. Nope there has to be some criticism if it doesn't mirror his idea or feelings. It's sick. I am trying to alter how I feel when he says those things to me. Instead of getting defensive and explaining myself (because I'm so tired of doing that and he never understands anyway) I am learning to just say sorry you feel that way but I don't. In other words, too bad for you.

Keep on singing, any song that moves you. And good for you for staying sober despite your H not being able to do it himself.

Jenny

Rella927

I could not have stated it any better! it is amazing what we see in recovery! *Windex* "squeak"squeak"

Never stop singing....and never stop dancing (Just dance to the right tune!)

cagefree

"sing as if no one can hear you
dance as if no one is watching
and love..."
...well, you know the rest

(((lost)))

lostnfound1961

sing as if no one can hear you
dance as if no one is watching
and love..."
...well, you know the rest

I like this, it remineds me of when I was a little girl and felt free to express my self.

Rella927

Cage...great one! Mark Twains goes like this which I like

splendra

Reflections are hard for me too...I always look fat and ugly to me in the mirror...it is getting better.

I do mirror work. It consist of standing in front of the mirror and telling myself I am beautiful and I look at certain parts of my face or body and describe them to myself. I ask if I saw this body part on someone else would I loath it or like it? Why?

The way I have been treated by others does color how I view my reflection but, now I am able to take off those filters...

lostnfound1961

Splendra,
The more I think about it, the more I think his being drunk is what triggered the intence feeling. It took me back to the way I felt whem my mom would be laying on her bed drunk and crying and how she would tell me just how wonderful I was and how that made me feel shame.

I remeber being about 6 and hiding under the diningroom table and crying. (that was my way of running away from home) My mom found me and asked me why I was crying and I told her I hated my self. She told me that if I hated my self I must hate her too because I was part of her. That made me feel real bad because I didn't hate her and I didn't want to hurt her.

On those drunken days when I comforted her and she told me how wonderful I was, she also would tell me how she hated her self and even though I knew she didn't hate me...... It realy messed with my head. In some ways it was like she passed her shame on to me. like she imprinted it on my sole. You know how when a baby duck looks up and see's it's mom, it says that is my mom. Well in my case it was like I looked up and said, that is my mom and her shame is my shame.

I did get some good stuff from my mom. She was a real funny woman, she would make people laugh all the time and everyone loved her. She was also an amazing singer though most people never knew. I got those things from her.

Well, I better stop writing and get back to work. I am getting all misty thinking about how much I miss her.
D