So Worried
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: southern california
Posts: 4
So Worried
My boyfriend of 3 years drinks every single day. I worry about him all the time and the problem seems that it's getting worse everyday. Sometimes he admits to having a drinking problem, then he'll deny it. He thinks he can handle it. Sometimes I want so badly to call his parents (they live out of state) and tell them that he needs help but I know that he would get so mad and say that I'm just needlessly worrying them. Whenever I suggest that he should get help he gets very angry and immediately declineds. Every time I bring it up, the answer is always NO. The other night we were supposed to go to dinner but when I got to his place, he wasn't there. I finally found him almost 3 hours later at his friend's house in a completely drunken stuper. I took the drink in his hand and threw it away and finally I convinced him to leave with me but when we got into the car he insisted that I take him to a liquor store so that he can get more to drink. I kept saying no, but he got very angry and said that he would jump out of the car. I pulled over and begged him to please not get another drink, the more he got angry. He spotted a liquor store across the way, jumped out and bought more alcohol. I was once again unsuccessful. There are times when I won't hear from him for 2-3 days. When I finally get a hold of him he'll say his been drinking with his roommates. He always says my roommates made me drink or my friends made me drink. I don't know what to do. Does anyone have any advice on how to convince him to get help?
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
Welcome to SR Raquel! Glad you have found us!
Read some stickies at the top of this forum-it will give you some insight!
Also possibly looking into trying out an Al-Anon meeting as well in your area-
I'm so sorry you are going through this-but I can tell you this much worrying about him and questioning him will not get you anywhere because if he is an alcoholic which it sounds like he is-it will be like talking to a brick wall. Use that energy to take care of yourself and stop worrying about what he is doing-I know it is easier said than done-but stick around others will be here with even more advice to help you understand a bit better.
Keep posting! Glad you are here and remember you are not alone
Read some stickies at the top of this forum-it will give you some insight!
Also possibly looking into trying out an Al-Anon meeting as well in your area-
I'm so sorry you are going through this-but I can tell you this much worrying about him and questioning him will not get you anywhere because if he is an alcoholic which it sounds like he is-it will be like talking to a brick wall. Use that energy to take care of yourself and stop worrying about what he is doing-I know it is easier said than done-but stick around others will be here with even more advice to help you understand a bit better.
Keep posting! Glad you are here and remember you are not alone
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,051
Welcome raquel, glad you're here.
As an alcoholic I can tell you from experience that there's only one person who could get me into recovery and keep me sober, and that's ME. For 27 years I resisted every suggestion to quit drinking that was thrown at me, I just wasn't ready to stop.
Rella's absolutely right and you'll hear it again, stay focused on yourself and if you really want help try some Al-Anon meetings. You'll find many others in the same situation.
As an alcoholic I can tell you from experience that there's only one person who could get me into recovery and keep me sober, and that's ME. For 27 years I resisted every suggestion to quit drinking that was thrown at me, I just wasn't ready to stop.
Rella's absolutely right and you'll hear it again, stay focused on yourself and if you really want help try some Al-Anon meetings. You'll find many others in the same situation.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by raquel 
Does anyone have any advice on how to convince him to get help?
If I could convince anyone else to get help, I would try to convince YOU to try Al-Anon. If that's not for you, perhaps one-on-one therapy. I resisted the suggestion to seek help for myself for over 2 years. Why did I think AH would take my advice to get help for himself?
Keep posting!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
raquel,
I know it's a real turnoff when people in Al-Anon try to convince you not to focus on him, but to focus on yourself instead. You want to hear how to fix him. Well, if we know that answer, we'd all be married to recovering alcoholics, and many of us aren't.
Imagine that you were the alcoholic and he wasn't. Imagine that you did to him what he does to you. Would he still be with you? If not, why? Because he would think he deserves better than to have a girlfriend who gets drunk all the time, is verbally/emotionally abusive, who disappears for days at a time, etc.? If so, than why don't you think you deserve better?
If you are so far in this that you can't see that you deserve better, you need to run to your nearest Al-Anon meeting. If you aren't married to this guy, and you don't live together, you've really already got the hardest part out of the way! Imagine those of us who have kids, finances, homes, cars and legal papers in common. Leaving becomes much more complicated.
You may have YEARS ahead of you hoping he'll change. My AH first admitted to me 6 years ago that he has a problem. My AH has probably been addicted to booze for over 25 years.
It sounds to me like your bf definitely has a problem. There are so many stages to go through before you would ever have a healthy relationship with him, and that might never even happen. You are by now probably deeply entangled in an emotional web of dysfunction and co-dependency with this guy. Go to Al-Anon and you'll find support that will really help you, no matter what you decide.
I know it's a real turnoff when people in Al-Anon try to convince you not to focus on him, but to focus on yourself instead. You want to hear how to fix him. Well, if we know that answer, we'd all be married to recovering alcoholics, and many of us aren't.
Imagine that you were the alcoholic and he wasn't. Imagine that you did to him what he does to you. Would he still be with you? If not, why? Because he would think he deserves better than to have a girlfriend who gets drunk all the time, is verbally/emotionally abusive, who disappears for days at a time, etc.? If so, than why don't you think you deserve better?
If you are so far in this that you can't see that you deserve better, you need to run to your nearest Al-Anon meeting. If you aren't married to this guy, and you don't live together, you've really already got the hardest part out of the way! Imagine those of us who have kids, finances, homes, cars and legal papers in common. Leaving becomes much more complicated.
You may have YEARS ahead of you hoping he'll change. My AH first admitted to me 6 years ago that he has a problem. My AH has probably been addicted to booze for over 25 years.
It sounds to me like your bf definitely has a problem. There are so many stages to go through before you would ever have a healthy relationship with him, and that might never even happen. You are by now probably deeply entangled in an emotional web of dysfunction and co-dependency with this guy. Go to Al-Anon and you'll find support that will really help you, no matter what you decide.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
You should assume that you have one life on this earth, and you are responsible for your own happiness. He has one life on this earth, and he's choosing to pickle himself. It's a sad, sad decision. But only you can decide if you're going to let his fate destroy your life. Staying with an active alcoholic is so emotionally draining. It doesn't get better, it only gets worse. Alcoholism is a progressive disease.
You don't have to leave him. But if you'll start going to Al-Anon, you'll learn skills that will help you deal with how YOU feel about his drinking. You'll stop shoving your feelings into a dark corner, and start listening to your thoughts. You'll stop being obsessed with what he's doing, and start paying more attention to what you deserve. I know it's scary, but I can't tell you how wonderful all the people in Al-Anon really are. It's like an instant feeling of warmth just walking through the door. It's a safe place to talk about this stuff.
You don't have to leave him. But if you'll start going to Al-Anon, you'll learn skills that will help you deal with how YOU feel about his drinking. You'll stop shoving your feelings into a dark corner, and start listening to your thoughts. You'll stop being obsessed with what he's doing, and start paying more attention to what you deserve. I know it's scary, but I can't tell you how wonderful all the people in Al-Anon really are. It's like an instant feeling of warmth just walking through the door. It's a safe place to talk about this stuff.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: southern california
Posts: 4
I don't mean to make anyone mad but I just don't see what all of you are saying yet. I guess I will have to go to an Al-Anon meeting to understand. So he's never going to get better? This is only going to get worse? Does anyone ever beat alcoholism? Should I wait until something really bad happens then say I should've tried harder. I've never had to deal with anything like this before so I don't understand. I'm so sorry. I don't want to upset anyone.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
((raquel)))
Here in southern California we're blessed with an abundance of Al-Anon meetings. Why not try a few? If you're in my area (Glendale/Pasadena) I can suggest a few, as well as open AA meetings.
Good luck!
Here in southern California we're blessed with an abundance of Al-Anon meetings. Why not try a few? If you're in my area (Glendale/Pasadena) I can suggest a few, as well as open AA meetings.
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
raquel,
I've only been going to Al-Anon a month myself. It's like my lifeline to sanity. I didn't realize how far lost I was until I saw myself in others. If you go to Al-Anon, you'll hear other people share and you'll probably really be able to relate. You won't believe how good it feels to just share your struggles with other people who have been in your shoes. But once you start to realize that you are not alone, and you see the pain others have to deal with, you may start believing that you can't save him and need to save yourself.
It is a shift in thinking, to actually start analyzing how you are effected by his drinking. Because up till now, you're probably spending all of your time wondering what he's doing, what he's drinking, how much he's drinking, what he's doing, if he'll call, where he is, what he'll say, what will happen, etc.
You spend so much time thinking about HIM, that you stop thinking about yourself. Do you even know how his drinking effects you? Have you stopped thinking about him and his drinking long enough to even ask yourself? How do YOU feel? Are you in love with a person who is no longer in there? Are you in love with his potential? What happened to the guy you fell in love with? Are you the serious one now? The warden? The one who is always responsible? Have you turned into a sad person? I know I used to be fun to be around. I was the clown in my circle of friends. Now I realize I'm the heavy, the serious one. What happened to me??? I lost me. Have you lost you?
I've only been going to Al-Anon a month myself. It's like my lifeline to sanity. I didn't realize how far lost I was until I saw myself in others. If you go to Al-Anon, you'll hear other people share and you'll probably really be able to relate. You won't believe how good it feels to just share your struggles with other people who have been in your shoes. But once you start to realize that you are not alone, and you see the pain others have to deal with, you may start believing that you can't save him and need to save yourself.
It is a shift in thinking, to actually start analyzing how you are effected by his drinking. Because up till now, you're probably spending all of your time wondering what he's doing, what he's drinking, how much he's drinking, what he's doing, if he'll call, where he is, what he'll say, what will happen, etc.
You spend so much time thinking about HIM, that you stop thinking about yourself. Do you even know how his drinking effects you? Have you stopped thinking about him and his drinking long enough to even ask yourself? How do YOU feel? Are you in love with a person who is no longer in there? Are you in love with his potential? What happened to the guy you fell in love with? Are you the serious one now? The warden? The one who is always responsible? Have you turned into a sad person? I know I used to be fun to be around. I was the clown in my circle of friends. Now I realize I'm the heavy, the serious one. What happened to me??? I lost me. Have you lost you?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: southern california
Posts: 4
Yes, I do worry about him too much. Maybe I have lost myself. I have my own problems too. I have an eating disorder and OCD. I try to take care of myself the best I can. But you all are right, too. I am exhausted. But at the same time I don't want to give up on him yet. I guess I have alot to learn. Thank you all.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
Hi Raquel and welcome!
I haven't been on this forum very long but you will find the best advice here in terms of how to deal with the A in your life. What it all comes down to is make yourself your number one priority. You can only control yourself and your own sense of well-being and happiness. Likewise, the A has to take responsibility for him/herself. You have to learn how to let go of the control you want to have over somebody else...and that from what I understand is how Al-Anon can help you.
I have never attended an Al-Anon meeting. When I came here I had a fairly good idea of what I had to do in order to break free of a very unhealthy relationship with XABF. I had already learned about boundary setting and breaking the cycle of co-dependency when my marriage broke up. I wasn't married to an alcoholic but a workaholic...and workaholics are addicts too fomenting the same kind of behaviour as all addicts do.
Melody Beattie's book "Co-dependency No More" is recommended reading for you. Her sequel "Beyond Co-dependency" is very clear as to why addicts are NO GOOD as relationship material. I encourage you to read both of them (check your library first although you might want to buy your own copies because both books are very re-readable when you feel you are weakening).
"I am exhausted"
So start taking care of YOU! Normal, healthy relationships are full of life and vigour. Each partner watches out for the other. What is YOUR ABF doing for you? You are upset by his drinking, you show him that you are and he wants to buy more booze. How is that helping you?
ARL
I haven't been on this forum very long but you will find the best advice here in terms of how to deal with the A in your life. What it all comes down to is make yourself your number one priority. You can only control yourself and your own sense of well-being and happiness. Likewise, the A has to take responsibility for him/herself. You have to learn how to let go of the control you want to have over somebody else...and that from what I understand is how Al-Anon can help you.
I have never attended an Al-Anon meeting. When I came here I had a fairly good idea of what I had to do in order to break free of a very unhealthy relationship with XABF. I had already learned about boundary setting and breaking the cycle of co-dependency when my marriage broke up. I wasn't married to an alcoholic but a workaholic...and workaholics are addicts too fomenting the same kind of behaviour as all addicts do.
Melody Beattie's book "Co-dependency No More" is recommended reading for you. Her sequel "Beyond Co-dependency" is very clear as to why addicts are NO GOOD as relationship material. I encourage you to read both of them (check your library first although you might want to buy your own copies because both books are very re-readable when you feel you are weakening).
"I am exhausted"
So start taking care of YOU! Normal, healthy relationships are full of life and vigour. Each partner watches out for the other. What is YOUR ABF doing for you? You are upset by his drinking, you show him that you are and he wants to buy more booze. How is that helping you?
ARL
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
Someone used an analogy that made sense to me.
Picture an alcoholic and his family (or just you in this case) in the ocean. The family members are all holding up the alcoholic over their heads as they walk deeper into the ocean. They are doing all they can to hold their own heads up above water, while they all hold the alcoholic over their heads. Then, one member figures out that they are sick of the insanity and walks away. One by one, each member realizes they have to stop holding up the alcoholic to prevent themselves from drowning. Now the alcoholic has to decide if he's going to sink or swim when nobody is around to hold him up anymore. He may sink. But if you continue to support him, you may sink with him.
Likewise, sometimes change comes only when we are the ones to change. A good change to make is going to Al-Anon. You may learn new tools that make your life better. Tools that help you live with having an alcoholic boyfriend. Or you may get the confidence to stop being his crutch or being abused. Or you just may get a hug from someone who has been in your shoes. That's what I got. It felt good. And your bf may see your change and decide to make his own changes. But when everything stays the same, there's not much reason to change.
Picture an alcoholic and his family (or just you in this case) in the ocean. The family members are all holding up the alcoholic over their heads as they walk deeper into the ocean. They are doing all they can to hold their own heads up above water, while they all hold the alcoholic over their heads. Then, one member figures out that they are sick of the insanity and walks away. One by one, each member realizes they have to stop holding up the alcoholic to prevent themselves from drowning. Now the alcoholic has to decide if he's going to sink or swim when nobody is around to hold him up anymore. He may sink. But if you continue to support him, you may sink with him.
Likewise, sometimes change comes only when we are the ones to change. A good change to make is going to Al-Anon. You may learn new tools that make your life better. Tools that help you live with having an alcoholic boyfriend. Or you may get the confidence to stop being his crutch or being abused. Or you just may get a hug from someone who has been in your shoes. That's what I got. It felt good. And your bf may see your change and decide to make his own changes. But when everything stays the same, there's not much reason to change.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Wales
Posts: 523
Hi Raquel, im new here too. after two years of trying to save my xab i have failed misrably. The only thing ive done is make things worse by staying and enabling him. I really loved my xab he was my soulmate and i thought like you that i could fix him. Raquel you cannot. You will understand in time i read under the influence and it changed my opinion of alcoholism. I'm tierd still after detaching for one month, the way i think now is I need to recover and find myself. Who know what xab will do, but i know one thing for sure he loved me very much, but the alcohol won it's that strong an addiction. You will read some sad posts here and meet some strong people who will help you. Im glad you found SR, it's saved my sanity.
Mair x
Mair x
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome,
Sorry you are involved with an alcoholic, it's pure h*ll.
Remember, he will always be an alcoholic, it is just a matter of whether he is drinking or not. This disease has no cure.
Others have given you good advice, get tp those meetings.
Sorry you are involved with an alcoholic, it's pure h*ll.
Remember, he will always be an alcoholic, it is just a matter of whether he is drinking or not. This disease has no cure.
Others have given you good advice, get tp those meetings.
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
(((Raquel)))
"The marital status of the number 5"
I heard that in a documentary I saw once on string theory/quantum stuff - whatever. Anyway, it perfectly describes what I think my XABF of 3 years heard everytime I talked about his drinking, his dry drunk behaviour, how he mistreated me...
It was like trying to explain what the marital status of the number 5 is
He just didn't get it. He won't until he is ready.
When you've had "enough", when you're ready and on the road of recovery, things will start making sense to you too.
...and if you know what the marital status of the number 5 is...let me know, will ya?
"The marital status of the number 5"
I heard that in a documentary I saw once on string theory/quantum stuff - whatever. Anyway, it perfectly describes what I think my XABF of 3 years heard everytime I talked about his drinking, his dry drunk behaviour, how he mistreated me...
It was like trying to explain what the marital status of the number 5 is
He just didn't get it. He won't until he is ready.
When you've had "enough", when you're ready and on the road of recovery, things will start making sense to you too.
...and if you know what the marital status of the number 5 is...let me know, will ya?
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