I'm so tired. . .
It is what it is
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
I'm so tired. . .
Well we are back from vacation. Aren't you supposed to feel refreshed and relaxed after vacation? It was a week of full on binging for abf with his cousin and her husband. Yipee! I didn't expect anything different but since I was the only sober one the entire time, at times it left me 1) annoyed 2) disgusted 3) embarassed 4) the most responsible adult and 5) lonely (it is lonely when you are the only person in their sane and sober mind). I'm not opposed to having a few drinks and a good time. I also indulged but I had one pina colada on one night, two glasses of wine another night, one glass of wine when we went to dinner, and two Mike's hard lemonade on two different days and we were gone for 8. On the other hand, the two men consumed two 1/2 gallons of Kettle One Vodka and 1/2 of another quart, two+ cases of beer, margaritas, bloody marys and his cousin drank 1 1/2 bottles of wine and two cases of cider.
Yuck! I can't even imagine how they were feeling most days. A few times abf tried to pick a fight with me and I just didn't engage. That's a big accomplishment for me but it was made easier by having company around. A few other days he was a jerk about my daughter and I got really angry but just left the house and that was when he was sober. On the long ride home (9 hr. car trip) he was so agitated (I imagine from not being able to drink since we left at 5 p.m. and didn't get home until 2:00 a.m.) that we ended up in a fight and I told him to drop me off at a rent a car place and I would rent something and drive me and my girls home myself. I didn't need him or his crap. I also said that it was obvious that he was agitated because he couldn't have a drink.
I know that probably isn't the right thing to say, but it is the truth. I wasn't saying it to be mean but to make him aware that his testiness might not be about my daughter at all but his lack of patience and I'm sick of it. I didn't say it nicely however. I find it very hard to be nice. I find it very hard to tip-toe around all his issues. I find it very hard to be sympathetic to his cause. I find it very hard not to hate him sometimes. I find it very hard to want to be near him, especially when he's had a ton to drink and he's acting all lovey-dovey with me. I think the worst part about it is that I know it the bottle talking and not him. Plus who wants to kiss anyone with that breath, all stinky and dry mouth. Can you say yuck? And then he gets lewd which I also hate. Grabbing me inappropriately and even when I walk away, he ends up following me saying disgusting things to me. GAWD! And the worst one of all, I find it very hard not to wish him dead some days and I've never wished that on anyone in my life. That does make me feel guilty.
I guess my biggest problem with all of this besides not knowing who this man really is (my abf drinks everyday, except if he's sick with a fever or throwing up). Even if he stops for a day, he drinks so much that his system is saturated anyway. He's like a pickle.
We've been fighting since before we left to come home. I kept the peace somewhat at the end of the vacation because we were with other people. But since the ride home, he's been on the couch for three nights and we've not been speaking. I don't want to talk to him, I don't want to work anything out. I don't even know how I feel about him. He suggested that we put this aside for now until we talk with our therapist on Thurs. but I don't even want to do that anymore. For what? So he can feel more comfortable around me. Yeah it's uncomfortable to not want to talk or eat or be in the same room with him but that is the reality of how I feel right now. I don't want to kiss and make-up and pretend that everything is "fine" for now just to keep the peace in the house. He said that since my other daughter is away for the week with her father that he wasn't going to drink for a week because it would be easier without all the craziness in our home. "Not that it's because of your 4 yr old, it will just be less hectic in our world." whatever that means. I didn't say anything. I've heard it before. He usually doesn't make it the full week anyway. And who cares if he does. That's not real progress for him. The last thing he said to me when we were wrapping up our fight last night was "If you could change one thing about me and you had your druthers, what would it be?" I said "that you would stop drinking." He said "besides that." I said that is the only thing because I don't know who you are without alcohol. I'm not sure how much of your personality is effected by it. Who is the real man? I don't know." So nothing else seems to matter to me.
In the past two days since we returned, I've taken time for myself, time with my baby, and gone to one Al-Anon meeting and one AA meeting. I am attending another Al-Anon meeting today. I am reading all of my Al-Anon books and the Big Book followed up with Getting Them Sober. I don't think there is enough I can do for myself but there are only so many hours in a day. I need more. I feel lost and in dire need of as much help as I can get right now. Higher Power, please grant me peace and serenity. Thanks for listening.
Jenny
Yuck! I can't even imagine how they were feeling most days. A few times abf tried to pick a fight with me and I just didn't engage. That's a big accomplishment for me but it was made easier by having company around. A few other days he was a jerk about my daughter and I got really angry but just left the house and that was when he was sober. On the long ride home (9 hr. car trip) he was so agitated (I imagine from not being able to drink since we left at 5 p.m. and didn't get home until 2:00 a.m.) that we ended up in a fight and I told him to drop me off at a rent a car place and I would rent something and drive me and my girls home myself. I didn't need him or his crap. I also said that it was obvious that he was agitated because he couldn't have a drink.
I know that probably isn't the right thing to say, but it is the truth. I wasn't saying it to be mean but to make him aware that his testiness might not be about my daughter at all but his lack of patience and I'm sick of it. I didn't say it nicely however. I find it very hard to be nice. I find it very hard to tip-toe around all his issues. I find it very hard to be sympathetic to his cause. I find it very hard not to hate him sometimes. I find it very hard to want to be near him, especially when he's had a ton to drink and he's acting all lovey-dovey with me. I think the worst part about it is that I know it the bottle talking and not him. Plus who wants to kiss anyone with that breath, all stinky and dry mouth. Can you say yuck? And then he gets lewd which I also hate. Grabbing me inappropriately and even when I walk away, he ends up following me saying disgusting things to me. GAWD! And the worst one of all, I find it very hard not to wish him dead some days and I've never wished that on anyone in my life. That does make me feel guilty.
I guess my biggest problem with all of this besides not knowing who this man really is (my abf drinks everyday, except if he's sick with a fever or throwing up). Even if he stops for a day, he drinks so much that his system is saturated anyway. He's like a pickle.
We've been fighting since before we left to come home. I kept the peace somewhat at the end of the vacation because we were with other people. But since the ride home, he's been on the couch for three nights and we've not been speaking. I don't want to talk to him, I don't want to work anything out. I don't even know how I feel about him. He suggested that we put this aside for now until we talk with our therapist on Thurs. but I don't even want to do that anymore. For what? So he can feel more comfortable around me. Yeah it's uncomfortable to not want to talk or eat or be in the same room with him but that is the reality of how I feel right now. I don't want to kiss and make-up and pretend that everything is "fine" for now just to keep the peace in the house. He said that since my other daughter is away for the week with her father that he wasn't going to drink for a week because it would be easier without all the craziness in our home. "Not that it's because of your 4 yr old, it will just be less hectic in our world." whatever that means. I didn't say anything. I've heard it before. He usually doesn't make it the full week anyway. And who cares if he does. That's not real progress for him. The last thing he said to me when we were wrapping up our fight last night was "If you could change one thing about me and you had your druthers, what would it be?" I said "that you would stop drinking." He said "besides that." I said that is the only thing because I don't know who you are without alcohol. I'm not sure how much of your personality is effected by it. Who is the real man? I don't know." So nothing else seems to matter to me.
In the past two days since we returned, I've taken time for myself, time with my baby, and gone to one Al-Anon meeting and one AA meeting. I am attending another Al-Anon meeting today. I am reading all of my Al-Anon books and the Big Book followed up with Getting Them Sober. I don't think there is enough I can do for myself but there are only so many hours in a day. I need more. I feel lost and in dire need of as much help as I can get right now. Higher Power, please grant me peace and serenity. Thanks for listening.
Jenny
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
(((jenny)))
When I was going through this insanity, I realize I was just spending my days hoping that "one day" things would turn around. That he would wake up and realize how he was messing up his life. For the life of me, I could not see how I was messing up my own life. When I thought about that further, I understood - if I did not see what I was doing to MYSELF, why did I think he would see what he was doing to himself?
Does that make sense?
The only person I can change is me.
When I was going through this insanity, I realize I was just spending my days hoping that "one day" things would turn around. That he would wake up and realize how he was messing up his life. For the life of me, I could not see how I was messing up my own life. When I thought about that further, I understood - if I did not see what I was doing to MYSELF, why did I think he would see what he was doing to himself?
Does that make sense?
The only person I can change is me.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,035
Jenny- Sounds just like the week I spent in Cabo with my ex and our children for our 10th wedding anniversary. Thank you for reminding me of why I never want to go back to that place in my disease. I'm so sorry you're going through so much.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
"I also said that it was obvious that he was agitated because he couldn't have a drink. "
Lived through that too many times. The lightbulb clicked on for me when I remembered it was also MY vacation, MY time to have fun, MY time to relax and XABF could only think of himself. Thinking back our days together when he wasn't working were a routine imposed by him and which revolved around his drinking. That's no life for me!
ARL
Lived through that too many times. The lightbulb clicked on for me when I remembered it was also MY vacation, MY time to have fun, MY time to relax and XABF could only think of himself. Thinking back our days together when he wasn't working were a routine imposed by him and which revolved around his drinking. That's no life for me!
ARL
It is what it is
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
Thanks for the hugs and empathy/sympathy. I went to a meeting this afternoon and I do like going because it gives me some peace. I just don't know how to implement the tools yet. I'm not even sure I know what all the tools are. I need so badly to start feeling better. I'm not sure what that is going to take or how long it will take to get there. I'm trying to Let go and let God. That's the best I can do for now.
Denny - I love your comments. They are direct and to the point and make a lot of sense to me. What you said about changing me, I think I already see that and I'm not spending my days hoping he'll change but am trying to figure out the changes I need to make for myself (joining Alanon is one of them) Are you saying that you see that I'm still trying to control the situation by hoping for things to be better? Explain what you see and hear in my long rant so I can see myself for who I really am. Maybe I can't see the forest for the trees. Maybe I'm getting in my own way. I am open to hear the truth. Thanks.
Jenny
Denny - I love your comments. They are direct and to the point and make a lot of sense to me. What you said about changing me, I think I already see that and I'm not spending my days hoping he'll change but am trying to figure out the changes I need to make for myself (joining Alanon is one of them) Are you saying that you see that I'm still trying to control the situation by hoping for things to be better? Explain what you see and hear in my long rant so I can see myself for who I really am. Maybe I can't see the forest for the trees. Maybe I'm getting in my own way. I am open to hear the truth. Thanks.
Jenny
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
(((sunshine))) ... You are doing the best you can do for yourself at the moment. I discovered that being physically away from AH was the best way for me to maintain balance. The sheer lunacy and absolute chaos of the drinking was too much for me. I, too, have pointed out in the calmest manner possible the facts: "You fell down and smashed up your face because you were drunk." "QUIT 'VERBALLY ABUSING' ME!!" Yeah, okay ... whatever.
I don't know how you made it through a vacation with three A's - I would have rented a car and left after a couple of days - yikes! It takes time to learn how to detach, let it go, leave them to their addiction, focus on yourself and not them. When we get a flesh wound, it takes time for a scab to form and then heal. Sometimes we're left with a scar. In time, the scar starts to fade.
I realized I was still responding to AH on occasion and that led to frustration and just plain RAGE coming out of me. The only way to get through it for me was to get into a meeting, call my sponsor, and go about doing my own thing. It took practice. I also finally just got sick and tired of being sick and tired, so as a lot of folks do, I decided to leave for good.
I could sit around until Doomsday waiting for AH to get better. Frankly, I think he's so fried that the man he once was is dead and gone; never going to return. Long time comin', long time gone ...
I don't know how you made it through a vacation with three A's - I would have rented a car and left after a couple of days - yikes! It takes time to learn how to detach, let it go, leave them to their addiction, focus on yourself and not them. When we get a flesh wound, it takes time for a scab to form and then heal. Sometimes we're left with a scar. In time, the scar starts to fade.
I realized I was still responding to AH on occasion and that led to frustration and just plain RAGE coming out of me. The only way to get through it for me was to get into a meeting, call my sponsor, and go about doing my own thing. It took practice. I also finally just got sick and tired of being sick and tired, so as a lot of folks do, I decided to leave for good.
I could sit around until Doomsday waiting for AH to get better. Frankly, I think he's so fried that the man he once was is dead and gone; never going to return. Long time comin', long time gone ...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by sunshine321 
Are you saying that you see that I'm still trying to control the situation by hoping for things to be better? Explain what you see and hear in my long rant so I can see myself for who I really am.
((()))
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
What a bust of a vacation, however, when you are with an alcoholic is goes with the territory, there is no escaping it, unless you decide not to go one step further.
Easier said than done, you are taking the right steps, meetings were a life saver for me. They gave me the clarity I so needed. The impetus to take care of me, to do the right thing for me.
Life is about choices, bad decisions=bad results, there is only one way to change the bad results, make good decisions and good results will follow.
Keep going to those meetings, keep posting, it will help.
Easier said than done, you are taking the right steps, meetings were a life saver for me. They gave me the clarity I so needed. The impetus to take care of me, to do the right thing for me.
Life is about choices, bad decisions=bad results, there is only one way to change the bad results, make good decisions and good results will follow.
Keep going to those meetings, keep posting, it will help.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by sunshine321
I know that probably isn't the right thing to say, but it is the truth. I wasn't saying it to be mean but to make him aware that his testiness might not be about my daughter at all but his lack of patience and I'm sick of it. I didn't say it nicely however. I find it very hard to be nice. I find it very hard to tip-toe around all his issues. I find it very hard to be sympathetic to his cause. I find it very hard not to hate him sometimes. I find it very hard to want to be near him, especially when he's had a ton to drink and he's acting all lovey-dovey with me. I think the worst part about it is that I know it the bottle talking and not him. Plus who wants to kiss anyone with that breath, all stinky and dry mouth. Can you say yuck? And then he gets lewd which I also hate. Grabbing me inappropriately and even when I walk away, he ends up following me saying disgusting things to me. GAWD! And the worst one of all, I find it very hard not to wish him dead some days and I've never wished that on anyone in my life. That does make me feel guilty.
Jenny - I can so relate to this paragraph. It's hard to give a crap anymore, but then you feel guilty because you DO care.
Hang in there.
It is what it is
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
Actually, I feel guilty because I don't think I should wish anyone dead. That is a horrible thing to wish upon anyone, especially my daughter's father. It makes me feel ashamed to be that hateful toward anyone or anything. Especially if it's a disease and can't be helped.
Jenny
Jenny
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Alanon (tries) to teach me to detach with love - but to be honest, at first all I could do was detatch with anger. But the important thing was that I detatched.
Because all the chaos in MY life was directly linked to my involvement with active addiction/alcholism. The only control I had was whether or not to stay "linked". Once the addiction/alcholism was out of my home... the chaos diminished dramatically.
I hope you can keep going to meetings. Some of the tools I've discovered are:
The daily readings (ODAT, Hope for Today, Courage to Change)
The phone list (calling when I am in crisis, have questions, or just need to vent)
Getting a sponsor (someone with time in program who also has a sponsor)
Getting in touch with my Higher Power (this comes with time... as was, for me, more of a recognition of what was already happening...smile)
I hope this helps, and I wish you well. (((hugs)))
Because all the chaos in MY life was directly linked to my involvement with active addiction/alcholism. The only control I had was whether or not to stay "linked". Once the addiction/alcholism was out of my home... the chaos diminished dramatically.
I hope you can keep going to meetings. Some of the tools I've discovered are:
The daily readings (ODAT, Hope for Today, Courage to Change)
The phone list (calling when I am in crisis, have questions, or just need to vent)
Getting a sponsor (someone with time in program who also has a sponsor)
Getting in touch with my Higher Power (this comes with time... as was, for me, more of a recognition of what was already happening...smile)
I hope this helps, and I wish you well. (((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: "Somewhere in Ohio" ... little joke from past
Posts: 481
WOW, Jenny, what a story. Many thanks for it. I just got back from a cruise with my daughter, her friend, and my ABF. I have never had such a rollercoaster of emotions in my LIFE. We started out in Nassau, and before we got to the end of the pier, the ABF was complaining that we had taken a "one mile forced march, how can they do this to us, all i want is to sit down and have a beer" speech over and over, then "i know you messed this up, this is your fault, this is your way of laughing at me." The same theme for many different conversations ALL CRUISE LONG. At dinner (8:30, just about at ABF's bedtime), he'd get awfully drunk, ordering non-stop, then saying the same things all the way to the cabin. This all alternated with lovey-dovey times, sweetness, and buying all of us nice gifts. He calls it "good natured riling" and that he "doesn't mean it at all", and that I'm an "easy target because you get riled."
I call it horrendous, embarrassing, disrepectful behavior. And I told it to his face, too. And who sticks up for him? My daughter. She says "mom, he bought us the cruise, we need to be nice to him." I'm not taking abuse in exchange for a vacation.
I call it horrendous, embarrassing, disrepectful behavior. And I told it to his face, too. And who sticks up for him? My daughter. She says "mom, he bought us the cruise, we need to be nice to him." I'm not taking abuse in exchange for a vacation.
It is what it is
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
Oh that's my favorite. Try to buy me with money or gifts. Pulllll-eeese. How about you keep your stinkin money and treat me with respect and kindness instead of trading it for abuse? I'm sure it's the guilt (selfish again because it's relieving his guilt disguised as wonderful things for me) but I still don't care. I don't want materials items. I want peace and I don't think there is a price for that.
Jenny
Jenny
It is what it is
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
I am feeling a bit better today. I went to 4 meetings in 2 days and it helped. I didn't care what abf said or thought, I just announced that I'd be going both evenings and I left promptly at 8:00 p.m. I prepared everything for the baby and went on my way. By the way he did end up drinking last night. He blamed it on me because I had a small glass of wine when I got home from work. My glass of wine made him want to drink so he gave in the temptation. I'm not saying it's not true, but I am saying that any excuse will do. And if it wasn't that, it would be something else. He only had a drink to the best of my knowledge but I don't ask. I got back at 10:00 p.m. and he didn't appear to be drunk. He also asked if I would do him a favor and not have a drink tonight when I get home. First off I don't drink every night so odds are I wouldn't anyway. Secondly, I guess I have to live by his standards even though I know for a fact that this no drinking this week thing will wear off in no time (probably as soon as Thurs.) because he can't do it unless he's in a program or rehab. But in the meantime, I guess I have to play his little game. I wonder when I'll be able to have another glass of wine without it effecting his "sobriety" LOL.
Jenny
Jenny
Recovering Nicely
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
Jenny,
I'm sure at one time or another most of us have wished our A dead. I know I have a million times. It was the only way I saw out of the situation, given that I knew if I stayed I'd have to deal with him drunk, if I left, he knew where I worked and if he was drunk I'd have to deal with him coming to my job drunk (he knew no boundaries at times), going thru a divorce and all that comes with it, I'd have to deal with him drunk. I actually used to "pray" that he would die so it would just be "over". And believe it or not, I truly loved (and still do) the man. Don't feel guilty, I think living with an active A and all the chaos, drama and everything else that goes with it, makes us feel that way at times.
Ter
I'm sure at one time or another most of us have wished our A dead. I know I have a million times. It was the only way I saw out of the situation, given that I knew if I stayed I'd have to deal with him drunk, if I left, he knew where I worked and if he was drunk I'd have to deal with him coming to my job drunk (he knew no boundaries at times), going thru a divorce and all that comes with it, I'd have to deal with him drunk. I actually used to "pray" that he would die so it would just be "over". And believe it or not, I truly loved (and still do) the man. Don't feel guilty, I think living with an active A and all the chaos, drama and everything else that goes with it, makes us feel that way at times.
Ter
It is what it is
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
This relationship is truly all about him. I see that. It's all about him when I can or can't have a drink. It's all about him because everything I do effects him in some way. He's never happy and can always find something to complain or be dissatisfied about if he tries hard enough. I can never please this man and I've been saying that to him forever. But at the time I just thought I had to try harder, that I wasn't doing enough and he had me believing it. I kept thinking if I don't make him mad, if I would just not do things to get him angry, I'll do better next time, etc. and then I would think, that impossible because everyone makes mistakes. I can't live like that.
I am so glad that since I've been reading Getting The Sober that I've seen it in black and white so I know it's not just me or this particular relationship (minus the alcohol). It is the alcoholic speaking. He'll never be happy or satisified with me because he can't. He hates himself. He loves me? I don't think so. I think he'd like to but he doesn't have the capability. What's really a shame? I have been such a fool because I'm in a relationship that never was. I got together with him when he was a full blown alcoholic (to my surprise). I never knew him when he wasn't. Therefore, this whole relationship from the very beginning until now is nothing. All the moments we shared, all the intimacies, all the arguments, everything is all BS. That is a lot to absorb. I'm still trying to. It's not real because he isn't sober. He was never sober. Every decision, every thought, every word of kindness or meanness doesn't mean a thing. I have to erase it all and that hurts. Because it will never be a real relationship until he gets help. And so far that's not happening.
Jenny
I am so glad that since I've been reading Getting The Sober that I've seen it in black and white so I know it's not just me or this particular relationship (minus the alcohol). It is the alcoholic speaking. He'll never be happy or satisified with me because he can't. He hates himself. He loves me? I don't think so. I think he'd like to but he doesn't have the capability. What's really a shame? I have been such a fool because I'm in a relationship that never was. I got together with him when he was a full blown alcoholic (to my surprise). I never knew him when he wasn't. Therefore, this whole relationship from the very beginning until now is nothing. All the moments we shared, all the intimacies, all the arguments, everything is all BS. That is a lot to absorb. I'm still trying to. It's not real because he isn't sober. He was never sober. Every decision, every thought, every word of kindness or meanness doesn't mean a thing. I have to erase it all and that hurts. Because it will never be a real relationship until he gets help. And so far that's not happening.
Jenny
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