Is it just alcohol or something more?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Southern Maryland
Posts: 169
Is it just alcohol or something more?
I have a question for you all.
We've discussed the fact that an alcoholic can't love you (isn't capable of giving love) when they're drunk. But, do any of you feel like you are genuinely loved when he/she's sober?
I ask because I am confused. For years, my husband has sworn up and down that he loves me. If I need help, he will be right there to give me a hand, or rescue me when the car dies and leaves me stranded. If I go to the hosipital for surgery, he's right there.
But, when we're at home, he doesn't talk. He sits by himself, alone thinking. He won't touch me either. I'll get a hug, but that's it. No caressing, no intimacy, no sex.
When I tell him that I don't feel like we are married, but just friends, he blows up. He insists that he wants to be husband and wife. When I say that there's more to being husband and wife that is going on between us, he gets confused as to what I am even talking about. He says I am twisting words and picking and finding fault.
Does any of this sound familiar to you?
I know that I shouldn't obsess about why he doesn't give me what I need. Just go on and be happy with life, but I can't help getting caught up in the tendency to go to him every time he says he loves me. Just like a bug to a light bulb. And every time I try to get near him, or try to get him to talk he's non-responsive.
My imagination? Alcohol related? Or something else?
We've discussed the fact that an alcoholic can't love you (isn't capable of giving love) when they're drunk. But, do any of you feel like you are genuinely loved when he/she's sober?
I ask because I am confused. For years, my husband has sworn up and down that he loves me. If I need help, he will be right there to give me a hand, or rescue me when the car dies and leaves me stranded. If I go to the hosipital for surgery, he's right there.
But, when we're at home, he doesn't talk. He sits by himself, alone thinking. He won't touch me either. I'll get a hug, but that's it. No caressing, no intimacy, no sex.
When I tell him that I don't feel like we are married, but just friends, he blows up. He insists that he wants to be husband and wife. When I say that there's more to being husband and wife that is going on between us, he gets confused as to what I am even talking about. He says I am twisting words and picking and finding fault.
Does any of this sound familiar to you?
I know that I shouldn't obsess about why he doesn't give me what I need. Just go on and be happy with life, but I can't help getting caught up in the tendency to go to him every time he says he loves me. Just like a bug to a light bulb. And every time I try to get near him, or try to get him to talk he's non-responsive.
My imagination? Alcohol related? Or something else?
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 39
I not sure what it is...
Mine swears he loves me but, only wants me when he is extremely drunk. He loves the internet porn and collects thousands of pictures and chats with them too..says that is not cheating. We also, don't have sex. If, I need help he says "what do you want ME to do about it or what's your point?!" aaargh! When we are home together we sit in separate rooms. I, on the internet and he watching the TV and if I go to him we end up switching rooms. He goes away. I guess, he has other interests and it is not me.
You are not alone with this.
Mine swears he loves me but, only wants me when he is extremely drunk. He loves the internet porn and collects thousands of pictures and chats with them too..says that is not cheating. We also, don't have sex. If, I need help he says "what do you want ME to do about it or what's your point?!" aaargh! When we are home together we sit in separate rooms. I, on the internet and he watching the TV and if I go to him we end up switching rooms. He goes away. I guess, he has other interests and it is not me.
You are not alone with this.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
Part of the reason I exed my ex is because he never told me he loved me, never kissed me during sex or otherwise (said it spread germs) never wanted to cuddle after sex and I could never talk to him about anything to do with us. Everytime I tried he twisted everything made it my fault and became hurtful,exasive and non-commital.
So you aren't alone.
Ngaire
So you aren't alone.
Ngaire
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Southern Maryland
Posts: 169
AAAAgggghhh!
These folks just can't deal with emotions in a healthy way!
They'll look at a picture of a woman, but getting involved with the real thing is too much of a challenge, I guess. Unless he's drunk enough to get up the courage.
It's like trying to get love from a vacuum. Love goes in, but it never comes back our way.
Have a good weekend everybody!
They'll look at a picture of a woman, but getting involved with the real thing is too much of a challenge, I guess. Unless he's drunk enough to get up the courage.
It's like trying to get love from a vacuum. Love goes in, but it never comes back our way.
Have a good weekend everybody!
Misfit
Join Date: May 2003
Location: HOME
Posts: 42
It's a male thing.....I guess
Been hearing a lot about this scenario when listing and talking with some friends, lately.
Just 2 days ago a neighbor friend I was visiting was chating online with her girl friend in New Mexico.
This 21 one yr old girl was having problems getting her 23 yr old husband to notice her. She actually did a strip tease in front of him while he was watching TV trying to instigate some intimacy. The husband told her to put her close back on and come watch TV with him.
Now, what's wrong with that picture? At such a young age not being interested in getting together as husband & wife makes no sense to me.
I think some guys have a hard time expressing feelings and emotions and aren't truly in touch with themselves or their life partner. I think most females have a better handle on emotions and how to express them.
For the guy, it may be like the "Peter Pan Syndrome", in some way.
For what it is worth, keep at it. Not that you are, just keep trying to communicate your concerns in a "no one is at fault manner.
Just 2 days ago a neighbor friend I was visiting was chating online with her girl friend in New Mexico.
This 21 one yr old girl was having problems getting her 23 yr old husband to notice her. She actually did a strip tease in front of him while he was watching TV trying to instigate some intimacy. The husband told her to put her close back on and come watch TV with him.
Now, what's wrong with that picture? At such a young age not being interested in getting together as husband & wife makes no sense to me.
I think some guys have a hard time expressing feelings and emotions and aren't truly in touch with themselves or their life partner. I think most females have a better handle on emotions and how to express them.
For the guy, it may be like the "Peter Pan Syndrome", in some way.
For what it is worth, keep at it. Not that you are, just keep trying to communicate your concerns in a "no one is at fault manner.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: New York
Posts: 211
When my husband drinks he is definately 'not here'. For years he let it be know that he doesn't feel 'welcome' or 'part of the family'. Almost as though 'he is butting in' with our lives.
Well, he is in recovery and doing very well. Actually, last night, I asked him about those times when he expressed the above feelings. HE told me (hold on to your hats) that he was the one who was distancing himself. I knew that at the time but felt guilty when he expressed his feelings and at times held myself responsible for his feeling 'left out'. Now he tells me it was HIM not me.
The funny thing about intimacy. Even though he was drinking he still wanted sex. I, on the other hand, didn't want him to come near me. I was actually relieved sometimes when he fell asleep watching TV. I would just slip off and go to bed while he was snoring on the couch. I hate to admit that, but it was true.
Just know this. You have to take care of yourself. Do things for yourself. Make yourself happy. Don't wait for anyone else to make you happy.
NoDoubt
Well, he is in recovery and doing very well. Actually, last night, I asked him about those times when he expressed the above feelings. HE told me (hold on to your hats) that he was the one who was distancing himself. I knew that at the time but felt guilty when he expressed his feelings and at times held myself responsible for his feeling 'left out'. Now he tells me it was HIM not me.
The funny thing about intimacy. Even though he was drinking he still wanted sex. I, on the other hand, didn't want him to come near me. I was actually relieved sometimes when he fell asleep watching TV. I would just slip off and go to bed while he was snoring on the couch. I hate to admit that, but it was true.
Just know this. You have to take care of yourself. Do things for yourself. Make yourself happy. Don't wait for anyone else to make you happy.
NoDoubt
Learning to love life...
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Yup, my hubby is alot like No Doubts... HE always wants sex cuz he gets such validation and attention from it. I, on the other hand, usually only truly want a roll in the hay once every couple of weeks. My reasons for this I am sure, are a way of protecting myself from getting to close... too close to get hurt.
I have heard however, of the A being the one who distances himself / herself from intamacy. Have you seen the movie "when a man loves a woman"? - perfect example. I wonder if it is easier to not have to deal with "real life" for an A... that way, they don't have to face the shame of their own life.
Meg
I have heard however, of the A being the one who distances himself / herself from intamacy. Have you seen the movie "when a man loves a woman"? - perfect example. I wonder if it is easier to not have to deal with "real life" for an A... that way, they don't have to face the shame of their own life.
Meg
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: missouri
Posts: 95
Hey, I am in the same boat as you guys. My husband has 1.5 years sobriety. No intimacy here either.
It is just like has been said earlier, he will be watching tv in one room and I am in another room. If I try to join him, there is a huge sigh that he wants to be left alone.
We have even progressed to seperate bedrooms. It has helped me detach in a big way, but it is so very painful It is not your imigination. Al Anon has put out a few booklets about it.
And like NoDoubt's husband, not part of the family and he goes in the other room if someone drops by unexpectly. Now, people have just quit dropping by at all. He also says he feels like a renter. I am his landlady. Ug.
I am trying to busy with my own interests, al anon and not try to get in his head, but at times it just feels like total rejection.
I'll just keep coming back.
It is just like has been said earlier, he will be watching tv in one room and I am in another room. If I try to join him, there is a huge sigh that he wants to be left alone.
We have even progressed to seperate bedrooms. It has helped me detach in a big way, but it is so very painful It is not your imigination. Al Anon has put out a few booklets about it.
And like NoDoubt's husband, not part of the family and he goes in the other room if someone drops by unexpectly. Now, people have just quit dropping by at all. He also says he feels like a renter. I am his landlady. Ug.
I am trying to busy with my own interests, al anon and not try to get in his head, but at times it just feels like total rejection.
I'll just keep coming back.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Southern Maryland
Posts: 169
thanks for the honesty
Guess the reason I asked this, is because it's the hardest thing to let go of.
This man swears he loves me, but yet is so cool to my presence.
I tell myself not to fall into the trap of going to him to get him to give me affection, but, back I go over and over and always have more dissapointment.
I have this silly idea that if you are married, the other person will always be there for you. Guess I must have read too many fairy tales as a kid. All that happily ever after stuff..........
Take care everybody!
This man swears he loves me, but yet is so cool to my presence.
I tell myself not to fall into the trap of going to him to get him to give me affection, but, back I go over and over and always have more dissapointment.
I have this silly idea that if you are married, the other person will always be there for you. Guess I must have read too many fairy tales as a kid. All that happily ever after stuff..........
Take care everybody!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: missouri
Posts: 95
Alot of alcoholics are not capable of giving emotional support. Dry or drunk. They just can't .
You have reasonable expectations, I have reasonable expectations out of marriage. But that is how "normal" people would behave. They are not normal and they can't help it.
I have to accept this or I will go crazy trying to expect normal things to happen.
Yesterday, when I was doing some writing I compared it to someone with a spinal cord injury. Nowhere in my right mind, would I ask someone with that to climb on a counter to get me something off a high shelf.
They are sick with a disease and sometimes that disease takes away from them where they are not capable to give the littlest things. It is so so hard to accept this.
Al Anon says to have no expcectations. Once I truly accept the fact that I cannot expect anything from him, I will begin to recover.
I am so glad you brought this topic up. It is a very painful one for me as well.
But believe it or not, somewhere there are happy marriages. Where partners are not sick. They are independant and yet they have been able to meld their lives together.
Thanks again for helping me along the way to accept this.
Love
Antreeta
You have reasonable expectations, I have reasonable expectations out of marriage. But that is how "normal" people would behave. They are not normal and they can't help it.
I have to accept this or I will go crazy trying to expect normal things to happen.
Yesterday, when I was doing some writing I compared it to someone with a spinal cord injury. Nowhere in my right mind, would I ask someone with that to climb on a counter to get me something off a high shelf.
They are sick with a disease and sometimes that disease takes away from them where they are not capable to give the littlest things. It is so so hard to accept this.
Al Anon says to have no expcectations. Once I truly accept the fact that I cannot expect anything from him, I will begin to recover.
I am so glad you brought this topic up. It is a very painful one for me as well.
But believe it or not, somewhere there are happy marriages. Where partners are not sick. They are independant and yet they have been able to meld their lives together.
Thanks again for helping me along the way to accept this.
Love
Antreeta
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