Confession of a Major Relapse - MINE :(
Fool To Do Your Dirty Work
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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Confession of a Major Relapse - MINE :(
So, as you can see....I had a relapse last weekend - broke the NO CONTACT boundary I had set and spent the night with my XAF....it had been over three months since I had seen him...of course, nothing has changed....as I pulled up outside of his new place, he was sitting outside with a half eaten bag of Doritos and a beer....clearly not sober...it also became apparent (in the morning!!) that his 55 yr old girlfriend is practically living there (he is 37!!!)....
Needless to say, I am disgusted with myself for going back ( I hope to God, I won't do it again) and disgusted with him.
I have also been very sad and hurt that he has moved on so quickly with someone else (no matter how inappropriate)....I can't seem to stop obsessing about what they are doing all of the time....even though I DO NOT want him back. Good Grief!!!
For any of you thinking of "going back", in my experience, it is NOT A GOOD IDEA!!!!
Has anyone else done this??? How long does it take to get "back on track"? I am bouncing back but not without lots of anger and tears....
Needless to say, I am disgusted with myself for going back ( I hope to God, I won't do it again) and disgusted with him.
I have also been very sad and hurt that he has moved on so quickly with someone else (no matter how inappropriate)....I can't seem to stop obsessing about what they are doing all of the time....even though I DO NOT want him back. Good Grief!!!
For any of you thinking of "going back", in my experience, it is NOT A GOOD IDEA!!!!
Has anyone else done this??? How long does it take to get "back on track"? I am bouncing back but not without lots of anger and tears....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
I truly believe that we go back to get a dose of reality as often as it takes for us personally. I mean maybe that's just what you needed to do. Maybe you needed to see him there with his Doritos and beer and girlfriend. I bet you would be hard pressed to go see him another time, right? Now that you know how bad it hurts you and how little things have changed, the temptation will definitely be less! So that sounds like a good thing. I hear that you are moving on, even if you did "relapse." I know it still hurts in the meantime, but that too will fade. In the short run that doesn't seem like enough, but it still helps to remember that.
Am I making sense?
Am I making sense?
Fool To Do Your Dirty Work
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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TG - YES - you are making perfect sense....it was also a learning experience - I noticed I was more of an observer in the whole evening, than an active participant...and I know I defintely don't want to live that kind of life...never did...so why the he!! does it still hurt so much??? Still working through a lot of it....thanks for listening and for the kind words.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
"that his 55 yr old girlfriend is practically living there (he is 37!!!)...."
Can we say mother-complex?! Something similar here to my own situation with XABF without the huge age difference but a significant one nonetheless. She may be a nice person and a good person (I think I am!) but he may have chosen her because she is easier-going (he thinks!) and an enabler. I think many younger men see an older woman as being a lot more relaxed about things, certainly less likely to demand a commitment via a baby together and the older woman might be more financially secure too. An A will use it to his/her advantage only.
So take good care of yourself now, kglast. A's are allowed relapses and you are too! One step at a time to get back on track.
(((((kglast)))))))
ARL
Can we say mother-complex?! Something similar here to my own situation with XABF without the huge age difference but a significant one nonetheless. She may be a nice person and a good person (I think I am!) but he may have chosen her because she is easier-going (he thinks!) and an enabler. I think many younger men see an older woman as being a lot more relaxed about things, certainly less likely to demand a commitment via a baby together and the older woman might be more financially secure too. An A will use it to his/her advantage only.
So take good care of yourself now, kglast. A's are allowed relapses and you are too! One step at a time to get back on track.
(((((kglast)))))))
ARL
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Out on a MTB trail somewhere
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I agree with TG. I went and called my exabf last night to confront him on something, again expecting different results when all I got was the same old same old from him. There really was no need for me to call him b/c I already knew intuitively what was going on and what the truth really was. However, like TG said I think we sometimes need to make that contact to get that dose of reality that we need.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Wales
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Im so glad i read this post tonight. i have been fighting feelings of sadness and overwhelming urge to phone my xab tonight and i dont know what triggered these feelings. I have been dooing so well. i hate it when i feel like this. kglast im so sorry for you pain. but like arl says we are allowed relapses too. i just want tomorrow to come now.
M x
M x
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KGlast 
I use to think that way too "How dare he move on so quickly, he did not love me blah blah quack quack" but what I have learned from counseling, Al-Anon and so many great people at SR is that he has not "moved on so quickly" but rather looked for someone that will (as was mentioned above) that will enable him and his drinking/behavior etc....so do not feel that it is a matter of "moving on so quickly" (read some more stickies they are a great resource)
So what are you going to do to stop obsessing? Al-Anon? Counseling? Read a book? Focus on YOU and your life?
Sorry you are going through this and do not regret going back it happens in recovery hon!
I have also been very sad and hurt that he has moved on so quickly with someone else (no matter how inappropriate)
....I can't seem to stop obsessing about what they are doing all of the time....even though I DO NOT want him back.
Sorry you are going through this and do not regret going back it happens in recovery hon!
Fool To Do Your Dirty Work
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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Thanks Rella....I am reading a LOT, currently Beyond Codependency...took the day off of work today just for me...and did whatever I wanted to do when I wanted to...hit the beach for a while...spent a lot of time right here today too...SR is wonderful and always helps me get back on an even keel....feeling much better tonight...
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Join Date: Jul 2007
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Yup. I have done this before. with my XABF. he called me one night when we split up (on my terms) a couple months back. And I rushed over there in a taxi!
I felt bad. but we actually got back together. Few weeks later he quit drunking, and left me!
Now I urge to call him almost every night. Last week (i never told u people this) But I called, he didnt pick up, and he will never know I did call because he doesnt have Caller ID. but just that call was enough to give me a slap of reality and now i think 3 times before calling. Now every time I urge to call... i think about how I will feel during the conversation and how I will feel after. will I be smiling? happy? 10 steps ahead? or will I feel even more depressed when i hang up my phone knowing what life is like WITHOUT ME? and that helps kill the urge.... its hard though. a struggle every day.
This also happened with my other EX. I remember going back to his dirty apartment... after 3 months of no contact and I was just staring at myself in the bathroom mirror like .. what the HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE BACK IN THIS MESS????? THIS IS NOT WHERE YOU BELONG (looking around his disgusting bathroom). and that was a nice wake up call. I think we all need that. its like truly feeling the fire ONE LAST TIME. but some women need to go back more than once...its sad.
So don't worry ((kglast)). We all slip up. the key is.. let it be ONLY ONCE that you go back. It is natural to feel disgusted with your self... but really remember how u felt seeing the doritos, beer and the 55 year old girlfriend (EWWW!!!)...Try and brush it off and say, ya I went back, and thank god I did coz i am never going back! .... rather, take as much as u can from that experience. and keep telling yourself you are 100000000000x 1000000000 TIMES better than that pitiful mess you witnessed that weekend. 1000000000 X 100000000 better than him and that 55 year old!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I felt bad. but we actually got back together. Few weeks later he quit drunking, and left me!
Now I urge to call him almost every night. Last week (i never told u people this) But I called, he didnt pick up, and he will never know I did call because he doesnt have Caller ID. but just that call was enough to give me a slap of reality and now i think 3 times before calling. Now every time I urge to call... i think about how I will feel during the conversation and how I will feel after. will I be smiling? happy? 10 steps ahead? or will I feel even more depressed when i hang up my phone knowing what life is like WITHOUT ME? and that helps kill the urge.... its hard though. a struggle every day.
This also happened with my other EX. I remember going back to his dirty apartment... after 3 months of no contact and I was just staring at myself in the bathroom mirror like .. what the HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE BACK IN THIS MESS????? THIS IS NOT WHERE YOU BELONG (looking around his disgusting bathroom). and that was a nice wake up call. I think we all need that. its like truly feeling the fire ONE LAST TIME. but some women need to go back more than once...its sad.
So don't worry ((kglast)). We all slip up. the key is.. let it be ONLY ONCE that you go back. It is natural to feel disgusted with your self... but really remember how u felt seeing the doritos, beer and the 55 year old girlfriend (EWWW!!!)...Try and brush it off and say, ya I went back, and thank god I did coz i am never going back! .... rather, take as much as u can from that experience. and keep telling yourself you are 100000000000x 1000000000 TIMES better than that pitiful mess you witnessed that weekend. 1000000000 X 100000000 better than him and that 55 year old!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Last edited by pineapple2007; 08-07-2007 at 08:31 AM. Reason: typo
Fool To Do Your Dirty Work
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HA - thanks pineapple. just to be clear the girlfriend was not there - but she called in the morning and he sat right there lying through his teeth to her about what he had done the night before and that morning....i know she was very upset by his end of the conversation...i kept thinking how glad i was that it was not me on the other end of that phone!!!
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KG,
Don't be too hard on yourself. I know many (including myself) who played "Its Over Its Over Come On Over" for awhile before they were finally done. I think it's because we miss the sober/clean person~ the one we were attracted to in the first place. We see a glimpse of that person, or we get a glimmer of hope, and WHAMMO we want to be with him/her again, and we throw caution to the wind....
AND, in my case, I thought if I tried that ONE more idea, that maybe he would see what a wonderful person I was, and all the things he stood to lose, and he'd seek recovery. You see, I am a very smart person. I was sure I could figure it out if I had enough time....
Sadly, it didn't happen. I don't know of many cases where it does happen. Most of us either remain stuck in the tornado, whirling about... or we stand a few steps away, still close enough to "help" when necessary and certainly close enough to be hit with the shrapnel as our A continues to whirl.
Be gentle with yourself. When you're done, you'll know it. And in the meantime, give yourself credit for the positive steps you make as you learn those life lessons.
Hugs
Cats
Don't be too hard on yourself. I know many (including myself) who played "Its Over Its Over Come On Over" for awhile before they were finally done. I think it's because we miss the sober/clean person~ the one we were attracted to in the first place. We see a glimpse of that person, or we get a glimmer of hope, and WHAMMO we want to be with him/her again, and we throw caution to the wind....
AND, in my case, I thought if I tried that ONE more idea, that maybe he would see what a wonderful person I was, and all the things he stood to lose, and he'd seek recovery. You see, I am a very smart person. I was sure I could figure it out if I had enough time....
Sadly, it didn't happen. I don't know of many cases where it does happen. Most of us either remain stuck in the tornado, whirling about... or we stand a few steps away, still close enough to "help" when necessary and certainly close enough to be hit with the shrapnel as our A continues to whirl.
Be gentle with yourself. When you're done, you'll know it. And in the meantime, give yourself credit for the positive steps you make as you learn those life lessons.
Hugs
Cats
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(((((kg)))), i had no idea, i'm on vacation, and on the computer only once in a while...i'm so sorry your going through this but i take and learn from you that even after 3 months he's still the same and i HAVE to remember that lesson for myself. I remember calling Jay after a month saying i wanted my stuff and as soon as he picked up the phone he was FLIPPING out about his sister in law and her drug problem. I guess the old saying nothing changes if nothing changes and i was like good god, red flags once again....i try to told onto that. He's NO better than one or two months ago and like you, i try to remember that. And you are a strong woman keep your chin up, like someone said, you are allowed relapses too.....we're here for you
heather
but i take and learn from you that even after 3 months he's still the same and i HAVE to remember that lesson for myself. I remember calling Jay after a month saying i wanted my stuff and as soon as he picked up the phone he was FLIPPING out about his sister in law and her drug problem. I guess the old saying nothing changes if nothing changes and i was like good god, red flags once again....i try to told onto that. He's NO better than one or two months ago and like you, i try to remember that. And you are a strong woman keep your chin up, like someone said, you are allowed relapses too.....we're here for you heather
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