LisaWayne

Hello, I am band new to this website and these forums. I found my way here by typing something in the google browser about confronting husbands drinking, I see a very mixed bag of situations here. I am a sober alcoholic myself. Just celebrated my fifth birthday (for the second time, went out after seven years back in 2001 after turning 39!)
Honestly, I don’t care if he quits or not. I don’t feel like giving him anything like “quit – or else". All I want to do at this point is the “or else” – Cant see my way out though. Cant decide if it’s bad enough to uproot the kids. He’s not violent or anything… just a bump on a recliner drinking a fifth of scotch every night… I think he hates women.. and only married me because I was desperate enough at the time to think we should, and because he thought my genetic make up would help produce strong kids…. I kid you not! I feel like I am being backed into a corner by his alcoholism and health issues (diabetes) and that the time has come for me to make a decision… just cant see my way through though.. I keep trying to plan and get my ducks in a row.. just don’t see a way through though. I think I am trying to find an easier, softer way and just run away because I know I wont be able to have the conversation / confrontation. I always end up without a leg to stand on in those moments… he’s got a way of pulling the rug out from under me. But then, I guess it’s time for me to grow up, step up… I am so scared though. It’s been easier to stay for the past five years… but I keep feeling like I have to do something now, I just don’t know what… rambling, I know. Very keyed up an anxious today. Mondays are always like that now. I hate the weekends and the extra time I have to spend with him.

hopeangel

hi lisa, welcome dear! and first of all, congrats on five years of sobriety! you've found a great home here.

the only thing i can tell you is that when you are ready it will come to you and you will take the steps, one by one, literally.

your only concern is to provide a happy quality life for your kids. how old are they?

look forward to meeting you.

LisaWayne

HopeAngel thanks for the welcome! My boys turn 9 and 12 next month. My insecurity in regard to the damage they will suffer is part of what roots me in place. I cant help but think a move would damage them more than staying... or it never seems like the right time.. because he isnt hitting them or me or going to jail..or anything very dramatic. My oldest is starting middle school in sept. now certainly isnt a good time to take them and go... but he is entering a whole new phase in his life and my husband makes drinking look so easy..my not getting in his face and being all hostile and in his face all the time...only makes it look that much easier.... but it is getting to the point where I let me disrespect show on a daily basis and roll my eyes all the time now... that's not right either..

hopeangel

only you can know what the right decision is. one thing i have learned though is it is okay not to know or make any decision at a certain time. i really used to struggle with that "should i stay or should i go", beating myself up for not having the answer, but when the time is right to make a decision you will and it would be as difficult. for me, it is simply doing what you need to do. pretty simple really.

yor right, your ah can't be setting a very good example and it sounds like your resentment is growing.

is there maybe an alanon meeting in your area? alanon and counseling has helped me tremendously. with your sobriety i'm sure you have probably been to AA, but what about Alanon? i have heard a lot of recovering alcoholics express that going to both has really helped them because they have gotten to see both sides and what living with an alcoholic does to children is something really discussed there.

parentrecovers

do you go to aa, lw? maybe you should try some alanon meetings.

welcome, and keep posting! and congrats on all your sober time, that is great!

blessings, k

LisaWayne

I just got back from an Alanon meeting, sorta. I went to the same meetng once four years ago. Did not go back until today. Felt like I was suffocating and walked out during the break. the meeting is held at the church I attened while growing up. It's the same church where we held my mothers funeral in 1973... it's the same church my husband and I were married at in 1991... it's the same church where I attened many speaker meetings early in my sobriety..1994..it's the same church where i di not baptise my children even though I promised god i would when i got married there....I couldnt go inside the church itself... but I stood at the door and sat on a bench outside for a while and had a good cry. I do not feel worthy to go in..in my lonliness I have taken comfort where I shouldnt have...still do... cant go inside unless I am willing to let go of one for the other.. so little faith, need the one I can feel with my hands. Feel a little better having shed some tears, feel a little more lost and confused.

hopeangel

(((lisa))) you made the first step. you made it to the church and to the door-next you will make it inside hon. i have heard many (in fact most) have drove to the first meeting and not went in the door. next time you will have the strength to go in.

take care hon, and don't beat yourself up. you may not feel worthy, but you are!

hopeangel

is there someone you can take with you to the meeting? that's the only way i made it in the door.

oh, and last i checked faith and feeling worthy were not requirements to go to a meeting

QU31

I think that is awesome that you have 5 years! What a great role model you are for your children!

Sometimes when people on this forum say they don't know if it's better to stay in the relationship because of the kids, I can't help but share what is only my own opinion and experience. And this is only my opinion, so if anyone else out there disagrees, please speak up.

My parents were married for 22 years. My father was a raging alcoholic, but he did well in his career--was nonviolent like you describe your husband. If my mother would have left my father sooner, before his drinking really started escalating,

-maybe I would have no need to be on this forum right now
-maybe I wouldn't be involved with a sometimes verbally abusive recovering alcoholic
-maybe I would choose romantic partners that treated me with respect (do you want your kids to learn that sitting in a recliner drinking is what being a dad is all about?)
-maybe I would know what a healthy relationship is
-maybe my little sister wouldn't be in rehab right now for drinking, bulemia, and cutting
-the maybe's go on and on and on......

I don't blame my parents for my problems. I do have a lot of resentments though, about the way all of this affected my little sister.

The truth is, we are attracted to what is familiar to us. Do you want your children to be drawn to the type of situation you're currently in?

Obviously you are a VERY strong woman, otherwise you wouldn't be able to maintain the sobriety that you have. And I think you would be a great role model. They will know what a strong woman is and that is awesome. Maybe it's time to break the cycle.

guineapigjude

Welcome Lisa! The only things I'll suggest are to read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, which will give you a lot of good insight, and please take some time to really think about what you want from life and how you want to live. So many of us get into the "settle for" mentality. You deserve a life you can love, not settle for. Only you can figure out what you need to do to get that life!

lillamy

Lisa,
I'm mostly a quiet reader here, but your post could have been written by me, word for word (including the diabetes and the only wanting the "or else" option).

Someone here said that alcoholism is an elevator that goes down to hell, and only the alcoholic can decide what floor s/he's gonna get off on. I think that's true about us spouses, too. I'm on the right floor, I want to get off, but I can't get myself to get out. It's such a scary place. And you really, really need the support of people around you.

I got no advice. Just some hugs. I know where you're at. I'll just sit here next to you on the bench and listen.

LisaWayne

Thank you lillamy! Thank you for popping up.. your understanding filled me with... well the desire to start balling...AGAIN!! This day has been a roller coaster of emotions for me... maybe that's part of it. I have been stuffing for so long, i am full and the feeling of having to do SOMETHING is a result of having no more room to stuff it. Now the work day is winding down and I am dreading going home.. I feel like if he has stopped and bought yet another bottle and I have to smell that blankety-blank stuff as soon as I walk in the door, I am gonna explode! That's what I want to do.. just explode, grab the kids and go... it's what would happen next that keeps me on the bench, next to you..thanks.. besides that.. I hear so many stories about situations that are so much worse than mine, I have a hard time justifying my desire to end this game. I have two fairly young women in my family who have been struck with terrible, terminal illnesses...so do I use them as reasons for getting out and starting a life without the alcohol soaked spouse, or do I count my blessings and hope he gets hit by a bus and takes all the responsibility out of my hands??? How long has this been going on for you?

Wascally Wabbit

As a woman who's been through this, l can tell you what I did.
I knew I was leaving months before I actually moved. I started saving every penny I could get my hands on so I wouldn't have to be stuck pennyless if anything happened and I had to move out sooner. I saved enough for rent and utility deposits, and had money left over. Having a little money helped me not feel so helpless. Whent the time came, I could leave and not be afraid that I'd have no where to live. I rented the place 2 weeks before I moved into it.
I had a plan. A plan helps us with our goal.
Make yourself a plan and you will feel a lot less stressed.
I hope you find peace.

Lady BlueMiles

Felt like I was suffocating and walked out during the break. the meeting is held at the church I attened while growing up. It's the same church where we held my mothers funeral in 1973... it's the same church my husband and I were married at in 1991... it's the same church where I attened many speaker meetings early in my sobriety..1994..it's the same church where i di not baptise my children even though I promised god i would when i got married there....I couldnt go inside the church itself... but I stood at the door and sat on a bench outside for a while and had a good cry

OMG Lisa!!!! I know how hard it was for me to walk in the door to my first meeting last week and I had NO personal history or memories attached to the Church my meeting was held at.

I cannot believe how BRAVE you were just to get to the door. That took so much COURAGE!!!!

I so admire you making it to that door. I know you'll find the strength to make it inside. You've got what it takes.

You are my inspiration today.

keepingmyjoy

Welcome Lisa! So glad you are here. I have found so much help here myself. Please, don't forget....it's OKAY to want to get off the rollercoaster!

lillamy

You know, I realized driving to work this morning that feeling the pain is good. Because it means you've stopped stuffing it. Stopped pretending that it's all good.

Yeah. I know. But do we really want to wait til they reach the point where they pee themselves on the couch or puke in bed without waking up before we get out? (I'm asking myself that, too, you know...). The fact that other people are worse off is, for me at least, just an excuse to not do anything because I'm too scared to. It's like... "no, I'll stay in this situation because at least I'm not blind and in a wheelchair in Baghdad"...

I agree that busdrivers are way too cautious these days... though I don't think we can sit around and wait for that to change...

How long it's been going on for me?
Um... I'm pretty sure he was an alcoholic when I married him 14 years ago. I just didn't realize, because alcoholics weren't incredibly bright funny people with highbrow jobs in my mind -- alcoholics were the other people, the ones on the sidewalk with a "homeless vet, please help" sign.

I have gotten a brood of amazing children out of my marriage to this man. And when he's sober, he's still the amazing guy I married. The problem is, he's hardly ever sober anymore.

LisaWayne

Lillamy you crack me up! Thanks a lot! It sure helps to laugh. That was one of the biggest reasons I went back to so many AA meetings early in sobriety. The laughter there is such a relief! Now I am finding here too. Thank you.

I guess the surfacing of the pain can force me to make changes - maybe. I have been reading a few books on and off the past three years; Codependent No More; Change your mind and your life will follow; and Awakening at Mid-life. I went to them looking for answers when I couldnt figure out why I was sooooooo sad to say goodbye to my son's fourth grade teacher. huh? I was a whack job there for a couple of weeks and did not think the event warranted such deeply felt sorrow and pain. Turns out she reminded me very much of my mother and my oldest son was about to turn ten, the age I was when my mother died. Those books, they all strike a chord in me on some level but they all waffle back and forth and that irritates me. OKAY OKAY OKAY... I am sure perimenopause is pilled on top of this sh*t sundae and some days everything irritates me BIG TIME. I think that's what yesterday was for me... I know I am not ready to leave right now. But I am soooo close.

laurie6781

Hi Lisa, WELCOME to SR.

I see you are in the SFV................that's where I got sober in 1981.

Get to your AA meetings and share about your current problems, talk with your sponsor. You will be amazed at how many in AA hire sober alkies to work for them and how many in AA rent to sober alkies.

There are a couple of places I am thinking of that can probably help you, but let me check further.

I will PM you.

Love and hugs,