kokobum

Day 3 and it just keeps getting better. It's all sooooooo familiar to me now, not typically anymore surprises, would like to think I've seen it all. There she is passed out on the couch, her precious vodka clutched tightly in one hand and a large puddle of puke on the floor. Funny, I'm not even phased by it this morning, it's like my heart is just shut off!! I find myself sitting here making plans for MY future, and just carrying on with MY life. She will wake up, and give me "that glare", that "where did you put my vodka" look. (I threw it out, didn't think she needed anymore). Then, when she does finally sober up she will be incredibly remorseful and promise she will get help.....blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda....heard it all. Don't tell me what I want to hear, tell me the truth,"I'm so sorry I've hurt you, but get used to it because it will happen again in a few days". She will just think that this time is the same as always, I give her the silent treatment for a few days, then life is back to "normal". This is not the state of normalcy I signed up for!! I've promised myself, however that this time is going to be different, that my threats are no longer "empty threats".....I'm done!!! I can't stand feeling this way anymore!!! Not sure why I have a fear of being alone because even though I'm "with" her, I've been alone for at least 10 years. That tells me, that the opposite is true, it's not loneliness I fear rather it's intimacy I fear (thank you doormat). This is no longer about her struggle for sobriety, it's about MY struggle to get well, about ME overcoming MY demons. She does what she does because she knows that I will always be here to "cover" everything up for her, and make everything okay. My God, up until the last month, her own friends wouldn't have known she was a drunk (they have now witnessed the "demonic possession" that is her drunkenness, and know I'm not crazy...I think). If I keep allowing myself to get hurt, I WILL get hurt!!! Drunks have to hit "rock bottom", well as long as I'm here, how can she hit rock bottom? I tend to fix everything before she hits bottom. And what is "bottom", sheesh, the amount of embarassment she's endured because of her "disease", I for one, would never want some of those things happening to me, and would make sure they never would again, meanwhile she's right back at it again in a few days.......

parentrecovers

just because she's not ready to get better, doesn't mean you're not.

take care of yourself - you have choices.

blessings, k

hopeangel

hey kokobum, "not being phased" and not riding every day on the emotional rollarcoaster is a HUGE step in detachment and recovery! congrats

lots of good things in this post "Not sure why I have a fear of being alone because even though I'm "with" her, I've been alone for at least 10 years. That tells me, that the opposite is true, it's not loneliness I fear rather it's intimacy I fear" YEP!!! i would add that it is allowing ourselves to feel anything again (we become so numb) after this is feared also.

Pick-a-name

Sorry you are hurting.

Only thing I would say is,why bother to throw away the vodka....just another "step" in your dance (and you know there will be another one,as sure as the sun will rise,until she decides to stop it.) Save the money. It would at least be better spent on you going out for a cup of coffee and a newspaper in a place out of the chaos of her binge. (even when she "awakes"; and bypass the angry glare,etc... Leave that to her to deal with;vodka still in hand. jmho)

When the usual dance between us and our A-loved-one changes; things do start to change.

sunshine321

wow I know this sounds ridiculous, but I'm always taken aback when I see a posting from a man about the alcoholic woman in his life. I don't know why because I know that alcoholism is not a gender specific problem. I guess it seems to effect more women than men, even in my Al-Anon groups there are always 7-10 women for every man that attends.

Anyway, that sounds like a terrible way to live. I know what you are saying by nothing surprises you anymore. You become numb after a while. That is probably a good thing even though I don't think it's healthy to live life that way. Just to live this life. It helps if you are going to survive it. I liked what you said about her being honest and not feeding you a bunch of BS. I really don't think they are telling us BS, because I think they truly do want to do the right thing and have the last binge truly be their last. But somehow we sobers know it will just happen again and again. It is frustrating to hear and I feel the same way. "Just tell me we will go through this again in a week and at least I can respect you for telling me the truth."

Jenny

guineapigjude

Sounds to me like you've hit your bottom. Take some time for yourself and figure out what you need to do to start enjoying your life again.

WantsOut

The force is strong in this one







pssssssst ... I am referring to you.

keepingmyjoy

kokobum, hang in there and do what you have to do to take care of you. I am finding out fast the reality of my situation. Yes, it is scary! But you can do it--envision the peacefulness and happiness that will be yours.