Girl In Love

I am 28 WF and I've known, let's call him "John 28WM", for a few years now. I felt a serious connection to him, and not long after I met him, I realized that he had taken a piece of my heart. Without us being intimate, we became friends, and talked about all the things friends talk about, passion followed quite a while later. He told me before we starting seeing eachother that he was an alcoholic and I have never once blamed him for his condition. In the exact opposite situation, I almost feel as though I felt more passion for him. Most of the men in my life seem to have had addictions, I honestly respect this one for acknowledging his and doing something about it. He was always alittle distant, and I again respected him for doing so, as to not hurt me. He began a program quite a few years ago as far as he has told me. He acknowledged that he had a drinking problem in college and got sober for i believe 7 years. Something happen and he started drinking. He drank for almost a year, and then realized that he had to stop, and now he is back at almost 2 years being sober. He has done this all on his own, nothing to do with me. As far as my situation, He pulls back when it seems as though we are just about to break through. I am an independent woman, and I have a bountiful amount of love for this man, so it is not that i apply too much pressure on him in regards to our relationship. I just don't know quite how to understand his thinking patterns. How do I explain how much i love him, but not scare him away? I don't want him to think of me an another addiction, and I am afraid that he feels that he is going to lose his control over his addiction if he allows himself to feel for me. He is in what i think is his 12 step. He is running his own meetings and I know that he has guys who are really in need call for his help. And he is always there to lend a hand/ ear. I want to be supportive as possible, but i just don't know if it is possible for him to love me. I have never had a personal addiction, and i don't know anyone who has actually gone through AA. I have been trying to read up on some of the material, but it feels as though, like so many other things, that you have to know someone to understand what they are thinking. He is trying so hard to be comfortable around me. He has broken things off with me now 2 times in the past year, and when he comes back, he is a mess trying to deal with it. I don't blame him because in all honesty, I was getting scared myself. Things are so good, we have never fought, we seem to understand eachother before the arguments happen, and being divorced myself--- i have never had a relationship that touches my heart and soul like this one has. I don't want to give up on him, or on us, I just don't know how much I am supposed to give... Please help.

prodigal

Welcome. I'm glad you are here with us! Please read the stickies at the top of our forum and you'll get some important insights into the disease of alcoholism. You cannot understand his thinking patterns. All you can do is understand your own. However, if he does something that confuses, perplexes, or concerns you, perhaps you should voice your feelings to him. He sounds like he is uncertain about commitment, but he also sounds like a nice guy. Perhaps a good discussion would clear the air a bit.

One thing that stood out in your post ... you feel he is going to lose control over his addiction if he allows himself to get in touch with his feelings for you. He has NO CONTROL over his addiction. Step 1: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol; that our lives had become unmanageable." An alcoholic working a strong program freely admits having no control over the addiction. That is the first step on the road to recovery. So his feelings for YOU and his addiction do not have to be interralated at all.

I'd suggest you find local Al-Anon meetings. Attend a few and see if you find some that "fit." Also, try open AA meetings to understand the A's perspective and insights on the disease. Al-Anon puts the focus on us; not the A in our lives. If he's working a program, it might help your relationship to give Al-Anon a shot.

Please keep posting. There are a lot of great people on this board who can share their wisdom with you and their ES&H too. (ESH = experience, strength, and hope)

Cynay

Welcome to SR Girl In Love.... I look forward to getting to know you.

Yes he can love you, yes you can have an amazing relationship, yes you can come to understand what he is feeling and thinking.... Not to the same degree that another Alcoholic will understand but you can come to a point of senerity in the relationship.

Im currently dating a man that has 2 1/2 years sober. He is is not my first Alcoholic, My first husband was an Alcoholic and has never stopped drinking and I have dated many over the years with recovery rangeing from the first day of recovery up to 26 years of recovery.... some in AA and one that did not work a program.... so I have a bit of experience in this issue.

The man that Im dating and Love has 2 1/2 years now.... we have broken up at least 4 times in the last 9 months but can not seem to end the relationship... like you there is a connection that I can not walk away from. At times he has hurt me very deeply (Im his first sober relationship) and we still spend alot of time working through our issues. I personally have found that his depth is one of the most beautiful parts of his personality..... The men that I know that are not in a program are just not as humble.... they have not hit a bottom and had to claw their way back up ... so they could not know. I on the other hand am an Adult Child of an Alcoholic and so my whole life has been effected by this disease.... so I have a hard time dating anyone that is not in a recovery program, mostly because I have not met a man that is not in recovery that understands me.

The only wisdom I can give you is this. Go to Al-anon meetings and open AA meetings. That is where you will find the answers you are looking for hon. If you are serious about this man you will have to give him the space/time to work through all this himself.... even though you and I can feel our emotions and work through things... they have spent their lives numbing the emotions and running from them... most have alot of makeup work to do in dealing with the everyday emotions ... let alone somthing as scarry as love. Sounds to me like you are doing just the right thing.... Love him and let him know he is loved but keep the focus on yourself and the pressure off the relationship.

There is much you should learn/listen too in the program as well, loving an Alcoholic is not a walk in the park sweetie. If relationships are hard, relationships with an Alcoholic are much harder... even when they are in recovery.

I do understand where you are coming from... I am also hopelessly in love with an Alcoholic.... but trust me when I tell you I do not do this alone. He and I work our programs seperate and together and we both go to counceling together, I work with my sponsor, attend CoDA, Al-anon, SR, read everything I can, work on a close relationship with God and try everyday to keep the focus on myself and my life. Its not easy .... but I can honestly say......so far........

He is worth it.

Girl In Love

Thank you both for the insight. It seems when I look to people for advice about this relationship, those who have dealt with AA from the outside seem to have a negative outlook on it. I am trying to seek those who have had a positive experience. In my own investigation of it, I see AA as being a beautiful program designed to help those who need help finding some direction. At a first glance, forgive me, if this comes out wrong... but it seems that AA is a program that almost brainwashes those involved into understanding their problems ... I was caught off guard at how harsh it seemed. But, In further understanding I have started to see that sometimes there is a mountain to climb before one can see the scenery. I do truly love this man. And I have felt his passion for me as well. I am wondering about this "enabling".... He seems to have difficulty expressing his feelings for me, even though it is as though they are right at his fingertips... Am i wrong for opening the window for communication? I find that many times I have to start up the conversations between us... I want to make sure that i give him an opportunity to deal with his emotional issues... But i also know that he has some deep rooted issues about people loving him.. I come from a large family and extremely supportive and loving individuals... I am not afraid of showing my passion and commitment for someone i love... I suppose I am just wondering how much of his confusion is related to his addictions vs commitment? Can you perhaps shed some light about what AA tells a member about relationships? I was caught off guard about some of the things he has told me.... IE. "I am a sick person"-- so i looked into it, and I am finding that many of the things from AA come out in what he tells me.... I am under the impression that AA has guided him to success so far, so i am wondering what those in AA feel about relationships?

Cynay

LOL.... Well what does AA tell them??? Stay sober. What Al-anon will show you as well as open AA meetings is it is not only deep rooted issues about people loving him.... he has deep rooted issues period!

Once I was told that Alcoholics stop developing when the addiction starts.... well for myself that would mean Im dating a (almost) 18 year old. How much comand did you have over your emotions at 18? Honestly you would be much better off to stop giving him so much space and better off learning what it takes in Al-anon and Open AA.

You know there is no answer for that. It would all depend on the individual. AA is a very honest program but you need to understand... the focus in AA is to stay sober. When he says he is a sick person ....well he is sick. Some are sicker then others but if he were not sick then it would not be called a disease.

Girl In Love

I am going to look up and find a local meeting.... When it comes to AA-- Do members get the feeling that they are being insulted when those they love look into AA? I don't want to intrude on his personal life... but when you love someone... we love the whole kit-n-caboodle.. how do u think he would feel if i started looking into this?

ARealLady

''but when you love someone... we love the whole kit-n-caboodle.. how do u think he would feel if i started looking into this?"

I don't know how HE would feel. Why do YOU feel you need to go to AA? It seems from your posts that your BF is getting a lot out of working the AA programme because he is sober now.

I think you genuinely are trying to make sense of his feelings for you but I also think you might be over-stepping a boundary because I get the idea you are trying to find out why your BF doesn't seem to be able to return the love you have for him. You think you are going to discover more by listening in on what they are "teaching" him at AA. Sorry if I have misunderstood, but I see your curiosity as being very controlling.

"Most of the men in my life seem to have had addictions"

Why do you feel attracted to this type of man? I am not putting you down....my STBXH is a workaholic and EXBF is an A. Have you read Melody Beattie's "Co-dependent No More"? I saw myself in it while still married to the workaholic. I saw myself in it again when involved with the alcoholic. Now I read and re-read chapters of "Beyond Co-dependency" to enlighten me as to wiser choices for future relationships.

ARL

Girl In Love

Lady,
As far as controlling his behavior, I can honestly say that I am far from that. He and I have been friends for a long time, and we have had discussions about future goals, work, relationships, family.. ect.. we both give guidance and support-regardless whether or not the situation is in direct relation to "us".. I suppose the reason I am questioning becoming involved with Al-anon or AA is because of my own since of self preservation. I believe in privacy and I believe that many times we have our own crosses to bear and our own journey to take.... I want to make sure that I am not invading his privacy by becoming involved in his addiction... When I have a problem I usually enlist the help of my friends and family. I try my best to seek advice and help.... I many times find "him"...and he finds me when he is seeking advice... But when it comes to someone with an addiction.. I feel that because the program provides such an amazing service to his drinking that perhaps he uses some of those tools in regards to having a healthy relationship with me. I am not trying to snoop into his personal life, I am just trying to understand some of the thought processes... I assure you that I am not ill intentioned. Just trying to do some homework because i want to be there for him in a language that he is comfortable with...

And in regards to the other men in my life-- and their issues... perhaps it came out wrong in the original post... I have never dated an alcoholic or a man who has been through a program... I do find myself attracted to this "particular" man because of his depth and his attempt to conquer his addictions... But I love him because of how I feel when I am thinking about him-- and when i am with him...
In turn.... he is a man, and I am a woman... sometimes we think differently--- and I am just exploring the differences...

Cynay

I think it is a Great Idea to Attend open AA meetings if you want to get a better understanding.... regardless of if you develope the relationship or the friendship it will give you a much better Idea of what the disease of Alcoholism is.... but I would also lean more toward Al-anon as well because what matters is YOU..... I know you love him, but I assure you loving an Alcoholic is not an easy life to live all the time and that is regardless if they are drinking or not. If you are considering making that choice then Al-anon is the place you want to be to learn about you and your role in the disease.... For me going to open AA meetings was a way to develope compassion for the Alcoholic and listen to the stories .... to bring it all to a human level.... You never know.... stick with Al-anon / Open AA meetings could also give you some enlightment as to if this is something you even want to prusue.

I would say check your motives at the door though.... Im all for open communicationa and understanding the other persons situation... but once again you will never "get" the disease completely ... if you dont have it. This whole discovery should be about you... not about him.

denny57

These are the comments that jumped out at me. The relationship has been broken off twice in the past year and he is "a mess trying to deal with it." How, then, are "things so good?"

It sounds a bit like a rescue operation; I've done it myself.

I also highly recommend Al-Anon for YOU.

Keep posting!

Astro

So much good advice has been given on this thread, so many great thoughts shared so I can't add anything useful except to share a brief thought on this.

There is no greater honor to this alcoholic than to have someone that loves me show up at my AA meetings, whether it's my children, family, friend, or girlfriend. That tells me they respect me, love me, and want to understand my disease. Yes, at times it makes it uncomfortable for me to share openly, but if that's the case I can always share at another meeting when I'm alone.

ARealLady

"i just don't know if it is possible for him to love me. "

And that is what is outside your control. You can't make anybody love you. Your BF is trying to stay sober. First of all he has to love himself before he can love another.

"perhaps he uses some of those tools in regards to having a healthy relationship with me."

Maybe he does and maybe he doesn't. But they are the "tools" he has found for himself and the "tools" which work for him. It sounds like you are going to find his "tools" and make him use them to love you. And that is the part which sounds controlling.

"i want to be there for him in a language that he is comfortable with..."

What is wrong with being there as just you and comfortable in your own skin? Sorry, but I see this as you twisting yourself into a pretzel in order to hopefully win his love.

When I broke off with XABF, I told him that he needs to start working a programme. IF he decides to go to AA and IF he works the programme and stays sober for a year, he may not want anything to do with me. Maybe I am no good for him. But, having made the decision that I am healthier without him right now, I can accept that he might find he is healthier without me at some point.

ARL