not good...
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not good...
last night the woman that i consider my only mother- in- law had a stroke and nonresponsive
the prognosis is not good. she is on a breathing machine in intensive care now. her brain hemorrhaged. the doctors were saying there was no hope, but last night she was moving her toes and crying and squeezing hands. her heart and kidneys are still strong. her left side is gone for sure. it is a wait and see thing. they will know more today. father-in-law is having breathing problems too. it is the mother of ah's best friend (since 6th grade) who's family took him in when he had no where else to go. the only "parents" he really has. his adoptive parents are extremely disfunctional and were extremely abusive to him.
the woman that had a stroke is an amazingly kind, intelligent, loving woman. she really is a special woman.
what a night last night, ah was drinking and trashed of course when we got the call and of course he wanted to go out to their house to be with them, so i told him i would drive. i knew he needed to be there. the whole way there he was in a rage. yelling at me, smashing all the cd's i had in my car telling me "don't think this will change a thing i'm not going to stop drinking over this. i don't want you here. i don't want you to drive me." i missed the turn to the house because he was yelling.
the whole time i stayed calm and supportive and as loving has i could be to him. i told him this wasn't the time and didn't respond to anything he did in the rage. i got him safely to the house. we stayed there for a while and left when they went to bed. ah came home and started drinking again.
this is going to hit him hard. i could just see the anger in his face on the way there. on the way back he was crying. i could just see soo much emotion all bottled up. i don't know how this will affect him. he has really not lost anyone he really loved to this point. he is still of the belief that everyone is immortal and takes so much of life for granted. i don't blame him for this. until you lose someone you love or some major event happens you just don't realize how precious life is.
we are going to the hospital today. i feel the need to support ah through this. i am having a really rough time with it too because i love her. she has meant a lot to me. prayers please!!! thank you!
the prognosis is not good. she is on a breathing machine in intensive care now. her brain hemorrhaged. the doctors were saying there was no hope, but last night she was moving her toes and crying and squeezing hands. her heart and kidneys are still strong. her left side is gone for sure. it is a wait and see thing. they will know more today. father-in-law is having breathing problems too. it is the mother of ah's best friend (since 6th grade) who's family took him in when he had no where else to go. the only "parents" he really has. his adoptive parents are extremely disfunctional and were extremely abusive to him.the woman that had a stroke is an amazingly kind, intelligent, loving woman. she really is a special woman.
what a night last night, ah was drinking and trashed of course when we got the call and of course he wanted to go out to their house to be with them, so i told him i would drive. i knew he needed to be there. the whole way there he was in a rage. yelling at me, smashing all the cd's i had in my car telling me "don't think this will change a thing i'm not going to stop drinking over this. i don't want you here. i don't want you to drive me." i missed the turn to the house because he was yelling.
the whole time i stayed calm and supportive and as loving has i could be to him. i told him this wasn't the time and didn't respond to anything he did in the rage. i got him safely to the house. we stayed there for a while and left when they went to bed. ah came home and started drinking again.
this is going to hit him hard. i could just see the anger in his face on the way there. on the way back he was crying. i could just see soo much emotion all bottled up. i don't know how this will affect him. he has really not lost anyone he really loved to this point. he is still of the belief that everyone is immortal and takes so much of life for granted. i don't blame him for this. until you lose someone you love or some major event happens you just don't realize how precious life is.
we are going to the hospital today. i feel the need to support ah through this. i am having a really rough time with it too because i love her. she has meant a lot to me. prayers please!!! thank you!
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Join Date: Jan 2005
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(((hopeangel))) I am so sorry. She sounds like a wonderful lady who has touched many lives with love and kindness.
Prayers (and a big hug) going out to you and your loved ones.
The Lord works in strange and miraculous ways.
Please keep us posted how things are going.
Prayers (and a big hug) going out to you and your loved ones.
The Lord works in strange and miraculous ways.
Please keep us posted how things are going.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
I'm sorry you are having to go through this. Interesting isn't it, that they can't figure out how the booze isn't actually helping them. I mean, from what you posted, the booze apparently wasn't enough to stop him from sobbing or raging. So what purpose did it serve?
There always seems to be a reason for them to drink. I had cancer a few years ago and underwent 2 major surgeries 6 weeks apart. My mother flew out to help AH care for the kids. I begged him not to drink during that time. We needed him. I needed him. I was sick. Nope. He had to self-medicate. It really pissed me off. Here I am, wondering if I'm going to leave this life prematurely and thinking about who will raise my kids, and he's showing me exactly who would have been raising them, a full on drunk. Some reassurance I had while I laid in the hospital bed. I hate how it's always about them. Something goes wrong and they have to not only get drunk, but treat everybody around them horribly. It's just so selfish.
People die, it happens. I heard the stories recently of two women that moved me. One lost her granddaughter the week before, and one lost her husband the week before. Both were coherent, strong in Al-Anon, and accepting of this life we have. Illness and death is sad, yes. But it is still no reason to treat you like dog crap in the car. It's just not. I'm sorry he's hurting. But it is no justification for his behavior. I think once you decide you're not putting up with it, you just stop taking that crap. Hurting or not, perhaps he could have been given a warning that he'd be left on the side of the road if he didn't shut up.
There always seems to be a reason for them to drink. I had cancer a few years ago and underwent 2 major surgeries 6 weeks apart. My mother flew out to help AH care for the kids. I begged him not to drink during that time. We needed him. I needed him. I was sick. Nope. He had to self-medicate. It really pissed me off. Here I am, wondering if I'm going to leave this life prematurely and thinking about who will raise my kids, and he's showing me exactly who would have been raising them, a full on drunk. Some reassurance I had while I laid in the hospital bed. I hate how it's always about them. Something goes wrong and they have to not only get drunk, but treat everybody around them horribly. It's just so selfish.
People die, it happens. I heard the stories recently of two women that moved me. One lost her granddaughter the week before, and one lost her husband the week before. Both were coherent, strong in Al-Anon, and accepting of this life we have. Illness and death is sad, yes. But it is still no reason to treat you like dog crap in the car. It's just not. I'm sorry he's hurting. But it is no justification for his behavior. I think once you decide you're not putting up with it, you just stop taking that crap. Hurting or not, perhaps he could have been given a warning that he'd be left on the side of the road if he didn't shut up.
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why does this have to happen now?
i got the call this morning that it is not good. the hemorrahage is the size of a grapefruit and they could do surgery, but it would only make her more comfortable. it would not change the outcome and she would have to be in a nursing home, which she does not want. so, all the family is coming and flying in and should be here within 4 hours and decisions will be made then.
of course, in true A fashion ah left(running away from it) this morning and i am having to take the phone calls. we need to get to the hospital, ah needs to be with his best friend and the family. he should be home soon i hope to go and see her and be with the family.
this morning i just got into his wallet and took the money he had in it for the damage to my cd's. i then just simply informed him that i had taken money out of his wallet to replace the cd's he ruined. no arguing or fighting about it, just matter of fact.
why does this have to happen now? just when i really was on a move and getting things going. now i have to deal with this. i feel like this is a real set back i just don't know how to handle this right now??? life turns on a dime, just when you think you have it all figured out...
and she would have to be in a nursing home, which she does not want. so, all the family is coming and flying in and should be here within 4 hours and decisions will be made then. of course, in true A fashion ah left(running away from it) this morning and i am having to take the phone calls. we need to get to the hospital, ah needs to be with his best friend and the family. he should be home soon i hope to go and see her and be with the family.
this morning i just got into his wallet and took the money he had in it for the damage to my cd's. i then just simply informed him that i had taken money out of his wallet to replace the cd's he ruined. no arguing or fighting about it, just matter of fact.
why does this have to happen now? just when i really was on a move and getting things going. now i have to deal with this. i feel like this is a real set back
i just don't know how to handle this right now??? life turns on a dime, just when you think you have it all figured out...
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Lord-willing,this could be your AH's fast-track to his bottom.
Sorry you are dealing with this without him.......seems to me one of the hardest parts to having an alcoholic spouse. Often the times you need to count on them the most, are the times they are least able to come thru..... I hope you will have the support of these other people who are coming in for this tragedy to lean on You will all be in my thoughts and prayers.
Sorry you are dealing with this without him.......seems to me one of the hardest parts to having an alcoholic spouse. Often the times you need to count on them the most, are the times they are least able to come thru.....
I hope you will have the support of these other people who are coming in for this tragedy to lean on You will all be in my thoughts and prayers.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
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You've expressed you feel the need to help your AH through this. If he doesn't accept your support right now what can you do? You love this woman, and it may be you can only do your part in this situation and leave his responsibility to him.
I would do what I could do with or without him. Take the phone calls, go to the hospital to visit the loved one, and be with the family by myself if I had to.
I'm really feeling for you because this is a tough situation.
Jaqueline Kennedy Onassis wanted her father to walk her down the aisle when she was married to JFK. He was drunk and never made it to the church. At the last minute someone else had to fill in. Broke her heart, and she had to go it alone without her dad there.
I would do what I could do with or without him. Take the phone calls, go to the hospital to visit the loved one, and be with the family by myself if I had to.
I'm really feeling for you because this is a tough situation.
Jaqueline Kennedy Onassis wanted her father to walk her down the aisle when she was married to JFK. He was drunk and never made it to the church. At the last minute someone else had to fill in. Broke her heart, and she had to go it alone without her dad there.
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what a tough day. their going to do surgery tomorrow morning at 7 i think. we just got back. it was hard to see her like that, then the whole family was fighting because some believe they should keep her on the breathing tube and do the surgery tomorrow and some don't. then, my husband's feelings were really hurt by some stuff that happened.
i'll go into more detail tomorrow - i'm just too beat tonight.
prayers please -thank you all soo much!!!
i'll go into more detail tomorrow - i'm just too beat tonight.
prayers please -thank you all soo much!!!
Keepingmyjoy
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NY
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((((hopeangel)))) I am so sorry that you have this sad and painful time. You are in my prayers! And don't worry, this is not a permanent set back, just a delay. You might even see things even more clear. Hang in there! You are not alone.
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(((((((hope))))))))
The loss of a loved one is never easy for anyone but XABF used it as another reason to hit the bottle....only way an A knows how to "cope". Sorry that all this is so much more stressful for you.
It is good that this lady's family members are rallying around too. Maybe you need to let yourself back off right now so as not to be in the centre of the turmoil. Look after yourself.
ARL
The loss of a loved one is never easy for anyone but XABF used it as another reason to hit the bottle....only way an A knows how to "cope". Sorry that all this is so much more stressful for you.
It is good that this lady's family members are rallying around too. Maybe you need to let yourself back off right now so as not to be in the centre of the turmoil. Look after yourself.
ARL
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okay help...
well, i'm vunerable and confused and an emotional wreck again...ugh!!!
i felt so bad yesterday because when ah tried to say something and the family (who has always considered ah their son and have always considered and included him as part of the family) was fighting, the man told him that he had no say or part in it this really hurt ah. my heart broke for him - he never had a bio family and piece of crap for adopted parents and now he was told this by this family! i explained that he didn't mean it - it was just emotions running high.
so, long story short, in my feeling for ah, i let him in again! we had sex last night and were intimate with each other. then, after, i proceeded to bawl my eyes out and today i feel like banging my head against a wall. why, why, why! have i destroyed everything i have done?
keepingmyjoy, i soo hope you are right!!! "don't worry, this is not a permanent set back, just a delay. You might even see things even more clear" i really hope this is all this is and i can get back up and dust myself off after we get through this. it is going to make it soo much harder though.
i was feeling so strong and in control of things and now this.
i also have a confession that is so adding to my feeling like crap today. i haven't really talked about it before, but i think i need to now. i have feelings for someone else other than ah which has really throwing me for a loop.
i have been and am so dead set on getting on with my life, please, please tell me this is just a really quick setback and i will be on my way again soon!
i felt so bad yesterday because when ah tried to say something and the family (who has always considered ah their son and have always considered and included him as part of the family) was fighting, the man told him that he had no say or part in it
this really hurt ah. my heart broke for him - he never had a bio family and piece of crap for adopted parents and now he was told this by this family! i explained that he didn't mean it - it was just emotions running high. so, long story short, in my feeling for ah, i let him in again! we had sex last night and were intimate with each other. then, after, i proceeded to bawl my eyes out and today i feel like banging my head against a wall. why, why, why! have i destroyed everything i have done?
keepingmyjoy, i soo hope you are right!!! "don't worry, this is not a permanent set back, just a delay. You might even see things even more clear" i really hope this is all this is and i can get back up and dust myself off after we get through this. it is going to make it soo much harder though.
i was feeling so strong and in control of things and now this.
i also have a confession that is so adding to my feeling like crap today. i haven't really talked about it before, but i think i need to now. i have feelings for someone else other than ah which has really throwing me for a loop.
i have been and am so dead set on getting on with my life, please, please tell me this is just a really quick setback and i will be on my way again soon!
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(((areallady))) "Maybe you need to let yourself back off right now so as not to be in the centre of the turmoil. Look after yourself." yes, i think this is exactly what i need to do, thanks for reminding me. much easier said than done right now though, sigh....
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(((((hope))))))) Stop beating yourself up. You reached out to comfort your H in a very tried and true way and you feel like it is a set-back for you.
I think you can feel sorry for your H without feeling responsible for his sorrow at this point. It is sad that he does not have a bio family and that his adoptive parents did not provide him with a family BUT you cannot fix the past and you certainly cannot fix your H's past. HE is the only one who can come to terms with what IS. It seems that he uses the excuse of not having parents to justify his life with booze.
You mention that you are beginning to have feelings for another person. OK...those things happen in life. Please, however, for your own personal sanity end one relationship before you begin another. You are being honest with those who could be hurt and honest with yourself. And don't look to this new person as your possible saviour from your bad marriage. Possibly the new person recognizes a neediness in you right now because you are hurting.
Hope you don't take offence at my comments but I get seriously worried when I read that a relationship with an addict is winding down and that there is already a third person on the horizon. Have you read "Beyond Co-dependency" by Melody Beattie? She discusses how to avoid making the same old mistakes in new relationships. Essentially she warns the codie away from UNAVAILABLE persons. You are married...you are unavailable. Please look after yourself.
ARL
I think you can feel sorry for your H without feeling responsible for his sorrow at this point. It is sad that he does not have a bio family and that his adoptive parents did not provide him with a family BUT you cannot fix the past and you certainly cannot fix your H's past. HE is the only one who can come to terms with what IS. It seems that he uses the excuse of not having parents to justify his life with booze.
You mention that you are beginning to have feelings for another person. OK...those things happen in life. Please, however, for your own personal sanity end one relationship before you begin another. You are being honest with those who could be hurt and honest with yourself. And don't look to this new person as your possible saviour from your bad marriage. Possibly the new person recognizes a neediness in you right now because you are hurting.
Hope you don't take offence at my comments but I get seriously worried when I read that a relationship with an addict is winding down and that there is already a third person on the horizon. Have you read "Beyond Co-dependency" by Melody Beattie? She discusses how to avoid making the same old mistakes in new relationships. Essentially she warns the codie away from UNAVAILABLE persons. You are married...you are unavailable. Please look after yourself.
ARL
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thank you arl. very well stated. yes, i was providing comfort for him. i guess i can't really beat myself up for that. totally and completely out of compassion. i hope i am strong enough at this point to be able to recognize this and still maintain enough emotional distance to tend to my own needs and still to move on.
everything you have stated i am very well aware of. you are right. i am treading very carefully and very slowly. my feelings for this other person are not new nor are his. they have always been there between us, but like you said, there has not been a time when we have really both been available. i've know him for seven years. i'm not sharing my feelings with ah, because there is no need and it would only hurt him and my feelings for the other guy will in no way impact my decisions in my marriage. i'm definitely not the type of person to have an affair (and i know statistically they do not last) and everything you have stated as already been expressed.
i am very much looking forward to going after what i want and need in life though and what is best for me and makes me happy. it has not been about that for me in the past. it has been about what others have wanted or needed.
everything you have stated i am very well aware of. you are right. i am treading very carefully and very slowly. my feelings for this other person are not new nor are his. they have always been there between us, but like you said, there has not been a time when we have really both been available. i've know him for seven years. i'm not sharing my feelings with ah, because there is no need and it would only hurt him and my feelings for the other guy will in no way impact my decisions in my marriage. i'm definitely not the type of person to have an affair (and i know statistically they do not last) and everything you have stated as already been expressed.
i am very much looking forward to going after what i want and need in life though and what is best for me and makes me happy. it has not been about that for me in the past. it has been about what others have wanted or needed.
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(((thank you all soo much for helping me through this.)))
she never had surgery this morning. they are still fighting about it...it sounds like they are going to pull the plug though i guess she took a turn for the worse this morning. then they are talking about bringing hospice in. it is soo sad this lady (and that is exactly what she is) is just laying there while her family fights...ugh! i just know this would really upset her.
thank you for the prayers too!!!
she never had surgery this morning. they are still fighting about it...it sounds like they are going to pull the plug though
i guess she took a turn for the worse this morning. then they are talking about bringing hospice in. it is soo sad this lady (and that is exactly what she is) is just laying there while her family fights...ugh! i just know this would really upset her. thank you for the prayers too!!!
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Hope- I have not been around for a few days-I'm so sorry sweetheart. My prayers are with you at this time! Try not to let the fighting get to you-just sit back and be there for her with your own well being and love-forget about them....they will regret the fighting one day and they may not-do not allow it to frustrate you-take deep breathes and spend every last moment cherishing her-
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