redbear

My husband has told me, he doesn't want to go to his AA meetings he has been going to. He says he wants to try another group but still has not attempted to do such. I have talked to many A for advise and all have said meetings are very important because the ones who have stood up and said, I had a slip after I stopped going to meetings.
How to I tell him of my concerns without offending him, becuase I have tryed and the bathroom door got slammed in my face. How do I say it, where he can think about it and come to a healthy conculsion.Please help?

laurie6781

Sad to say.......................................YOU CAN'T. He has to work this one out on his own...............................he may not have hit his bottom yet. Hopefully, he will discuss this with his sponsor, if he has one.

Now, what are you doing for you? Have you tried Alanon? Or a therapist? Or Both? Remember the 3 C's:

You didn't CAUSE it,

You can't CONTROL it, and

You can't CURE it.

He has to work, or not work his own recovery. I have found, as others here have, that when I 'focus' on myself, the A in my life still does what she/he wants to do and I am less stressed.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care!!!!

Love and hugs,

baggervance

I got bored going to the same meetings hearing same things.We have small group most ever 10 people.I am going to try and have a date night about once every two weeks drive into the city take my wife out and end up at an open meeting wity her.He may be getting bored.

baggervance

I had a total relapse when I quit going to meetings,

DesertEyes

Hello there RedBear

I am so sorry that you are going thru this. I remember how frightening that was when I had to do something similar.

The general suggestions for this sort of situations are like this.

- First you say it to your sponsor in al-anon. Just for practice. 'course if you don't have a sponsor in al-anon then you go get one

- Second, you practice it in meetings. And what you want to practice is to be able to say what you mean, but don't say it mean.

- Third, when you finally say it to your husband, you say it only _once_. Once is all that is needed to communicate. Twice is nagging, and three times is manipulation.

- Fourth, you say it to your Higher Power, cuz once you have said it to your HP you never have to say it again. It's been said, and there is nothing more to be done on your part. Now it's your HP who decides what to do about it, and your husband who decides what he will do about it. Your job is done and it is time to move on to whatever else your HP wants you to do.

This is what was told to me by my al-anon meets when I had need to say it to my pill-head wife. (Now ex-wife) I was new in al-anon, and I didn't do it very well. But I did it as best I could. The hardest part was that after I had said it to my HP I kept wanting to take it back and keep talking to my wife over and over and over again untill I could get her to agree with me.

The over and over part did not work for me. But the "say it four times" rule did work for me because it made it possible for me to respect _her_ choices, to giver her the dignity of making her own decisions in life, just like I expected her to treat me with respect and dignity.

I am praying for you, RedBear, and for Mr.RedBear too. Today and every day.

Mike

Grasshopper

Actions speak louder than words do.What are his actions telling you???..Are you listening???
1-you have talked to many A for advise...He has not,.
2-he says he wants to try another group---but he still has not.
3-you have tried and got the bathroom door slammed in your face---This speaks volums here.
I know it hard when i want another to get help,and to get well.But when they themselves are putting in no effort,,then there is nothing i can do to help,until they are ready.
Although he is no longer going to meetings,there is nothing stopping him,but reading and applying whats in the BB,until he finds meetings.
In Al-anon ,its suggested, hands off anothers recovery.Many reasons for this.But one of them is,is that another will take offence,when we try to help.
Pray for him and continue on with your recovery.You can be an example to him,.

redbear

Well Thank you all for your responses..I needed them...I told my husband I go to this internet site to read and write, to listen and to recover. I have invited to join by senting him the .com here. So if he is here, I hope this site and everyone here can help him as you(group) are helping me. That night I wrote this my husband called on the phone and when he asked me what I was doing, I told him I posed a question to help with my response. He asked what I wrote..and I told him, then I asked him not to respond, please let them. I think i got my message across...I also think sometimes our convo's don't work out for the best becuase we are to close to the situation. This Sunday I asked him to go to an open speaker meeting...and let me tell you...this was the first time I have heard a woman's story...and I thought she was talking about me...my story...but it was what I needed...she knocked me off my high horse and made me realize I should be count my inventory not his...and after the meeting when I burst into tears in front of my husband, when I looked up...I knew she made him count his inventory as well. Things are going better today and we are planning to take in a open speaker meeting once a week, and we will see how it goes...Thank you everyone for your advise and wisdom.

BigGirlPanties

trying to get an alcoholic to "see things your way" is like, well.....trying to shove a wet noodle up a cat's posterior"

cant be done.....no how, no way. He will get sober only if he wants to...sad to say it....hang in there,,get to al-anon...we understand!

lionessa

For me,The Serenity Prayer, God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can-not change, The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference...For me, staying focused on my own recovery and letting go of theirs,was a win win situation for us both. I Let Go and Let God...We all have personal responsibility for our own recovery,meetings, the steps,having a sponsor and a home group and a personal relationship with a higher power is imperative to your recovery and his. We do recover... Just for Today my thoughts will be on my recovery...Living and enjoying Life

Loreena

Hi Redbear, for me (I am a recovering alcoholic) it is all about meetings but I cannot speak for anyone else. If he was sincere about getting/staying sober, I would bet you he would stand on his head if someone told him that was what he had to do in order to stay sober. The thing is, you can talk til you are blue in the face (there are many blue faced alanoners around!!!!) and if the alcoholic doesn't want to do it, he ain't gonna do it. you sound like you are walking on eggshells around him and are very concerned, of course you are, you care about 'em.

In my most humble opinion, you are in the right place by posting here and sharing with us and sometimes the answes to questions aren't what you want to hear when it comes to this disease; you'll hear stuff about letting go and detaching and taking care of YOU instead of focusing on the drunk...those answers are hard when you are in the middle of all that crap,it's devastating, I''m going through this now but am on the other side now, having made plans to leave and am SO RELEIVED for it.

keep posting, a day at a time, things get better...L

redbear

Thank you for all your thought and caring words...You are right I don't like the answers all the time, but it is easier to hear it from you guys, then having my husband hurt me. I do wish he could be alittle more given towards me. 4 weeks ago, I took a week off to travel with him to his parents, but now that this week-end is my fathers b-day, I asked him if he was coming. He said he would be out of town untill friday and he would be staying home for the week-end. He could tell I was upset because I feel I give alot more then I receive, He plain out said to me that if I was going to stay upset, he would not come home at all. It's like it is a no win situation, for me, becuase I know my week end will be shot. If I stay at home, I'll be sad i'm not with my dad for his birthday, if i go, i will be worried and sad, and if i say anymore, he will punish me by not coming home.

Any advice for this sad girl.

denny57

I'd go to my father's birthday (if my dad were only still alive). I also sought help (therapy, Al-Anon) to learn how to be the one in control of my life. I gave that power to someone else and every day I was sadder than the one before.

((()))