another lightbulb came on
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
another lightbulb came on
i've been thinking on something. i've been reflecting on what first attracted me to the men i have chosen throughout my life.
after careful consideration, i have discovered that the very things that attracted me to them in the first place, ended up being the very things that turned me off on them.
for example: one man was very free spirited. spur of the moment, never planned on anything, last minute decisions, never concerned himself with life's little or big details, was fun, fun, fun.
in the end, i couldn't stand him. his "free spirit" suddenly became something else to me.....i ended up thinking he was lazy, irresponsible, immature, unorganized, and lacked any ambition.
i could give many examples but we'll stop at this one.
ok.....so what changed? he certainly didn't. he was the same in the end as he was in the beginning. i didn't change.....i was the same, kinda, sorta, maybe.
what i have really been thinking on is that all of the men i have chosen, have started out hero's in my eyes, only to diminish as i really began to know them. and i have discovered that it was not their fault at all.....it was my distorted perceptions that caused my own disappointments with these men.
i gave away my trust before it was earned (i believe we have had this conversation before on this forum, but i had a light bulb moment today and saw how this trait of mine has affected my whole life), and tried to make myself be who they wanted me to be in order to be wanted.
it is so empowering to know that i never have to do that again. and to recognize that i actually made that trait a part of who i was, and how it has played out in my life.
thanks all....just wanted to share my lightbulb.
after careful consideration, i have discovered that the very things that attracted me to them in the first place, ended up being the very things that turned me off on them.
for example: one man was very free spirited. spur of the moment, never planned on anything, last minute decisions, never concerned himself with life's little or big details, was fun, fun, fun.
in the end, i couldn't stand him. his "free spirit" suddenly became something else to me.....i ended up thinking he was lazy, irresponsible, immature, unorganized, and lacked any ambition.
i could give many examples but we'll stop at this one.
ok.....so what changed? he certainly didn't. he was the same in the end as he was in the beginning. i didn't change.....i was the same, kinda, sorta, maybe.
what i have really been thinking on is that all of the men i have chosen, have started out hero's in my eyes, only to diminish as i really began to know them. and i have discovered that it was not their fault at all.....it was my distorted perceptions that caused my own disappointments with these men.
i gave away my trust before it was earned (i believe we have had this conversation before on this forum, but i had a light bulb moment today and saw how this trait of mine has affected my whole life), and tried to make myself be who they wanted me to be in order to be wanted.
it is so empowering to know that i never have to do that again. and to recognize that i actually made that trait a part of who i was, and how it has played out in my life.
thanks all....just wanted to share my lightbulb.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
Funny, my ex wifes beau is a "free spirit". Hmmmmmm......
Yup. That's him.I was like that when I was younger. But hey, WTF ?!? I was 20 (not 40 something) , gimme a break. That seems to be what she's attracted to.
Oh WOW ! Do I have problems with that. Still !!!!! Seeing what I want to see, and ignoring what I don't. Building things up in my head that aren't there. Then, the disapointments (feelings) turn to thought, and the thought turns to action, and BAM, I'm screwed.
I keep saying we (codies and alkies) share a lot of the same -isms.
lazy, irresponsible, immature, unorganized, and lacked any ambition.
.....it was my distorted perceptions that caused my own disappointments with these men.
I keep saying we (codies and alkies) share a lot of the same -isms.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hey there Jeri 
wonderful lightbulb, thank you for sharing that. I have the same attraction. Out here we call it the "Moth Syndrome". I'm a moth, and I'm attracted to the heat of the flame. I flutter around it 'till I can finally dive into it and ..... ooops, it burns.
You know what? My biological parents were "free spirits". They traveled alot (translation: kept one step ahead of the landlord) Had exiting jobs (nobody else would hire them) Knew all kinds of colorful people (drunks, pedophiles, criminals) made spur of the moment decisions that took us on wild adventures (were too stoned to think) Never stressed about rent, utilities, clothes (spent it all on booze).
So why am I attracted to women that are so much like my biological parents? I'm reading a book by Janet Geringer Woititz called Struggle for Intimacy and she describes me exactly the way you did.
* hates it when somebody else describes him perfectly in a book *
The book says that it's because being raised in that environment _trained_ me to understand and anticipate all the little twists and turns of that kind of life. I am so deeply experienced with that lifestyle that it feels natural, comfortable, and deeply "right". Even though intellectually I know it's totally wrong.
For me, that's true. I feel completely comfortable in the midst of chaos and insanity. It's great at work, I can handle any emergency, any time. But it seriously doesn't work in a relationship.
I haven't finished the book yet, but I can see myself real clear in what you described and in this book. What I am learning now is how to be comfortable without chaos and drama. It's a strange place for me, but I'm _liking_ it
Mike
Originally Posted by embraced2000 
...i have discovered that the very things that attracted me to them in the first place, ended up being the very things that turned me off on them.....
You know what? My biological parents were "free spirits". They traveled alot (translation: kept one step ahead of the landlord) Had exiting jobs (nobody else would hire them) Knew all kinds of colorful people (drunks, pedophiles, criminals) made spur of the moment decisions that took us on wild adventures (were too stoned to think) Never stressed about rent, utilities, clothes (spent it all on booze).
So why am I attracted to women that are so much like my biological parents? I'm reading a book by Janet Geringer Woititz called Struggle for Intimacy and she describes me exactly the way you did.
* hates it when somebody else describes him perfectly in a book *
The book says that it's because being raised in that environment _trained_ me to understand and anticipate all the little twists and turns of that kind of life. I am so deeply experienced with that lifestyle that it feels natural, comfortable, and deeply "right". Even though intellectually I know it's totally wrong.
For me, that's true. I feel completely comfortable in the midst of chaos and insanity. It's great at work, I can handle any emergency, any time. But it seriously doesn't work in a relationship.
I haven't finished the book yet, but I can see myself real clear in what you described and in this book. What I am learning now is how to be comfortable without chaos and drama. It's a strange place for me, but I'm _liking_ it
Mike
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Wow how timely !
I had met a girl and started dating her for about 3 weeks now.
After seeing her in action when we went out, big red flags came up.
When she said her Mother feels like she has a drinking problem my thoughts were confirmed.
I see things a lot sooner now.
I had met a girl and started dating her for about 3 weeks now.
After seeing her in action when we went out, big red flags came up.
When she said her Mother feels like she has a drinking problem my thoughts were confirmed.
I see things a lot sooner now.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
This has been part of my pattern too. I think part of the reason I turned them into heroes was because I thought so little of me.
Now that I have a life and know I'm valuable I don't need to turn othe rpeople into heroes I can keep them right- sized.
Earthworm
Now that I have a life and know I'm valuable I don't need to turn othe rpeople into heroes I can keep them right- sized.
Earthworm
Originally Posted by embraced2000
i've been thinking on something. i've been reflecting on what first attracted me to the men i have chosen throughout my life.
after careful consideration, i have discovered that the very things that attracted me to them in the first place, ended up being the very things that turned me off on them.
for example: one man was very free spirited. spur of the moment, never planned on anything, last minute decisions, never concerned himself with life's little or big details, was fun, fun, fun.
in the end, i couldn't stand him. his "free spirit" suddenly became something else to me.....i ended up thinking he was lazy, irresponsible, immature, unorganized, and lacked any ambition.
i could give many examples but we'll stop at this one.
ok.....so what changed? he certainly didn't. he was the same in the end as he was in the beginning. i didn't change.....i was the same, kinda, sorta, maybe.
what i have really been thinking on is that all of the men i have chosen, have started out hero's in my eyes, only to diminish as i really began to know them. and i have discovered that it was not their fault at all.....it was my distorted perceptions that caused my own disappointments with these men.
i gave away my trust before it was earned (i believe we have had this conversation before on this forum, but i had a light bulb moment today and saw how this trait of mine has affected my whole life), and tried to make myself be who they wanted me to be in order to be wanted.
it is so empowering to know that i never have to do that again. and to recognize that i actually made that trait a part of who i was, and how it has played out in my life.
thanks all....just wanted to share my lightbulb.
after careful consideration, i have discovered that the very things that attracted me to them in the first place, ended up being the very things that turned me off on them.
for example: one man was very free spirited. spur of the moment, never planned on anything, last minute decisions, never concerned himself with life's little or big details, was fun, fun, fun.
in the end, i couldn't stand him. his "free spirit" suddenly became something else to me.....i ended up thinking he was lazy, irresponsible, immature, unorganized, and lacked any ambition.
i could give many examples but we'll stop at this one.
ok.....so what changed? he certainly didn't. he was the same in the end as he was in the beginning. i didn't change.....i was the same, kinda, sorta, maybe.
what i have really been thinking on is that all of the men i have chosen, have started out hero's in my eyes, only to diminish as i really began to know them. and i have discovered that it was not their fault at all.....it was my distorted perceptions that caused my own disappointments with these men.
i gave away my trust before it was earned (i believe we have had this conversation before on this forum, but i had a light bulb moment today and saw how this trait of mine has affected my whole life), and tried to make myself be who they wanted me to be in order to be wanted.
it is so empowering to know that i never have to do that again. and to recognize that i actually made that trait a part of who i was, and how it has played out in my life.
thanks all....just wanted to share my lightbulb.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 157
Originally Posted by DesertEyes
Hey there Jeri
So why am I attracted to women that are so much like my biological parents? I'm reading a book by Janet Geringer Woititz called Struggle for Intimacy and she describes me exactly the way you did.
* hates it when somebody else describes him perfectly in a book *
The book says that it's because being raised in that environment _trained_ me to understand and anticipate all the little twists and turns of that kind of life. I am so deeply experienced with that lifestyle that it feels natural, comfortable, and deeply "right". Even though intellectually I know it's totally wrong.
For me, that's true. I feel completely comfortable in the midst of chaos and insanity. It's great at work, I can handle any emergency, any time. But it seriously doesn't work in a relationship.
I haven't finished the book yet, but I can see myself real clear in what you described and in this book. What I am learning now is how to be comfortable without chaos and drama. It's a strange place for me, but I'm _liking_ it
Mike
So why am I attracted to women that are so much like my biological parents? I'm reading a book by Janet Geringer Woititz called Struggle for Intimacy and she describes me exactly the way you did.
* hates it when somebody else describes him perfectly in a book *
The book says that it's because being raised in that environment _trained_ me to understand and anticipate all the little twists and turns of that kind of life. I am so deeply experienced with that lifestyle that it feels natural, comfortable, and deeply "right". Even though intellectually I know it's totally wrong.
For me, that's true. I feel completely comfortable in the midst of chaos and insanity. It's great at work, I can handle any emergency, any time. But it seriously doesn't work in a relationship.
I haven't finished the book yet, but I can see myself real clear in what you described and in this book. What I am learning now is how to be comfortable without chaos and drama. It's a strange place for me, but I'm _liking_ it
Mike
ya throughout my childhood my mom would leave me at her friends house (she baby sat me) but I hated it so much. I used to wait and wait for my mom to come, i would yearn to see my mom.... she worked a lot, long hours, etc. I hardly saw her. but i became so used to fighting, and begging, and wanting so badly to just be with my mom and not at the baby sitters. So that yearning is what I feel is natural , and i carry that in relationships. been in relationship where guy treated me like crap, wouldnt call for days.. it hurt so much.... wondering waiting for him.... I stayed coz it felt "right" and "natural"..... i am trying to uproot this thought. by being aware of it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 157
me and someone were talking about this today.
Young/unhealthy girls get with bad guys because it is their science project.
when they get sick of the science projects.they get healthy/older and want the guys with the cars/money and who treat them good....
its just what happens!
Young/unhealthy girls get with bad guys because it is their science project.
when they get sick of the science projects.they get healthy/older and want the guys with the cars/money and who treat them good....
its just what happens!
Last edited by pineapple2007; 08-05-2007 at 10:57 AM. Reason: typo
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Wales
Posts: 523
I have two sisters and we have all divorced!!! we sat down one night and came to the conclusion that all our ex husbands resembled our father. Now my father was not an alcoholic, didnt do drug but was a complete control freak. The remote control for the tv was my mother!!! she fed him clothed him and put up with his bull for nearly 40 years. Neither I or my sisters get along with him even today. We used to jump when he called us, dreaded the time when he was home and not working always walking on eggshells. Yet we all married controlling men who treated us like their own personal slaves. So when i met my xab it felt quite natural to have the feeling of dread and have someone talk to me like i was nothing, my sister divorced from her alcoholic husband thank god, but we have all the same trait we caretake and look after.
So my next mission in life is to stop this caretaking because it has done me no favours in the past.
M x
So my next mission in life is to stop this caretaking because it has done me no favours in the past.
M x
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: California
Posts: 239
I think we all have a blind spot here to some extent. We might see the defects in our parents but can't bear the fact that we act and behave like them! It is learned behavior. In my case I was attracted to my AW because I was looking for someone to be codependent with. That's how my family was.....large family that did everything together and was taught that WE made each other happy, sad, angry etc.... My AW was perfect for me. I would make her happy she would make me happy and that was our job!
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: FREEDOM
Posts: 665
Living in a fantasy world.
Yup, I'm familiar
Reality was too much to deal with. For me, the day to day ho hum of "normal" drove me NUTS!!! I wanted adventure, excitement and chanllenges. The trouble was, I thought I should find that in a man
Now I surf
Hell, if the board goes out from under and I smack my head in the sand, at least i can say I expected it
Nice thread embraced
Peace
Yup, I'm familiar
Reality was too much to deal with. For me, the day to day ho hum of "normal" drove me NUTS!!! I wanted adventure, excitement and chanllenges. The trouble was, I thought I should find that in a man
Now I surf
Hell, if the board goes out from under and I smack my head in the sand, at least i can say I expected it
Nice thread embraced
Peace
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Out on a MTB trail somewhere
Posts: 202
My EXABF had all these great respectable qualities about him when I first met him (i.e. financial responsible, intelligent, extremely nice, & oh played the shy guy) that made it very easy for me at the time for me to stay in denial to the oh so many not so pretty qualities about him. I know better now!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 221
I think I got so hung up on potential...He was so gorgeous and funny and sociable AND a pilot, which to me was very cool. Alcoholism was already there, irresponsibility, accepting gifts from me but giving none in return, not finishing his college degree despite a thousand good intentions... Oh, goodness, it was all already there, just waiting to "bud". But I was young and completely entranced.
. Alcoholism was already there, irresponsibility, accepting gifts from me but giving none in return, not finishing his college degree despite a thousand good intentions... Oh, goodness, it was all already there, just waiting to "bud". But I was young and completely entranced.
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by an'ka
not finishing his college degree despite a thousand good intentions...
OMG - My XABF was 2 classes shy of his Bachelors...and has been for the past 15 years.
He needs his health to work and is one accident away from unemployment
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
i gave away my trust before it was earned (i believe we have had this conversation before on this forum, but i had a light bulb moment today and saw how this trait of mine has affected my whole life), and tried to make myself be who they wanted me to be in order to be wanted.
The above I was (WAS) quilty of the same giving away trust to soon! I have learned to be more careful these days!
Thanks for the reminder! This is why I love SR and the people here-helping each other one day at time! (This could be a commercial! LOL)
Embrace
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Wow, what a great topic! I remember having a conversation probably 8 years ago with a friend of mine about how the same traits that attracted us to our husbands in the beginning were the things that also drove us crazy years later. And this was before I realized that my husband was an alcoholic and my marriage was doomed.
FWIW, I don't think it's possible to 'turn off' the things we are attracted to. You can call it chemistry or whatever you want, but certain people attract each other. I think that when you gain some insight into yourself, though, you can more easily recognize people who are not good for you, even if you are attracted to them.
For example, I have always been attracted to unconventional, free-spirited, young-at-heart types as mentioned above. On the surface, there is nothing wrong with those traits. What I have to be careful of is the whole package. Often, those traits come along with other more undesireable ones. (Such as irresponsible, immature, and unreliable) Often, but not always. Right now I am seeing someone who is very unconventional, creative, and young at heart. He is also responsible, reliable, and independent.
I guess my point is that I don't think I can control who I am attracted to. But I can control who I choose to enter into a relationship with, regardless of the initial attraction. Lots of fish in the sea, you know?
Thanks Jeri, for getting me thinking about this.
L
P.S. The best insight I've ever read about people and their attractions to each other is "Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix.
FWIW, I don't think it's possible to 'turn off' the things we are attracted to. You can call it chemistry or whatever you want, but certain people attract each other. I think that when you gain some insight into yourself, though, you can more easily recognize people who are not good for you, even if you are attracted to them.
For example, I have always been attracted to unconventional, free-spirited, young-at-heart types as mentioned above. On the surface, there is nothing wrong with those traits. What I have to be careful of is the whole package. Often, those traits come along with other more undesireable ones. (Such as irresponsible, immature, and unreliable) Often, but not always. Right now I am seeing someone who is very unconventional, creative, and young at heart. He is also responsible, reliable, and independent.
I guess my point is that I don't think I can control who I am attracted to. But I can control who I choose to enter into a relationship with, regardless of the initial attraction. Lots of fish in the sea, you know?
Thanks Jeri, for getting me thinking about this.
L
P.S. The best insight I've ever read about people and their attractions to each other is "Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendrix.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
