Not sure anger is bad
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 405
Not sure anger is bad
I am in the anger/rage phase.
I am not sure that is bad. My sister thinks it is good - externalizing and an act of self-assertion. Realizing I DID NOT deserve this. Realizing that HE was wrong and that there is nothing wrong with me, and no reason that I, in anyway, deserved this.
Someone else had posted about anger, and I got the feeling that it was something to be avoided not embraced.
I am not sure how to channel this feeling productively. I think most of us probably don't allow ourselves to feel angry (or entitled).
I am not sure that is bad. My sister thinks it is good - externalizing and an act of self-assertion. Realizing I DID NOT deserve this. Realizing that HE was wrong and that there is nothing wrong with me, and no reason that I, in anyway, deserved this.
Someone else had posted about anger, and I got the feeling that it was something to be avoided not embraced.
I am not sure how to channel this feeling productively. I think most of us probably don't allow ourselves to feel angry (or entitled).
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hey there gns 
What I have learned in my recovery is to separate the feeling from the action. I can feel _anything_ I want and that is just fine. It's only when I _act_ that things can be considered good, bad, dumb, unhealthy, whatever.
I find that if I act while I have emotions bouncing around in my head I _always_ muck it up. Here in Vegas we call that a DUI.... Decision Under the Influence of emotions. Feeling anger when I have been used and abused is a healthy and apropriate feeling. Acting on that anger is a whole different issue.
If I'm feeling good I work out my anger at the gym. Makes for a _great_ workout. Sometimes I'll just take a broomstick and beat up a pillow, or the mattress. I've been known to roll up the windows in my car and just _scream_. That feels pretty good, actually, even if it scares the ***** out the people in the car next to me
Mike
What I have learned in my recovery is to separate the feeling from the action. I can feel _anything_ I want and that is just fine. It's only when I _act_ that things can be considered good, bad, dumb, unhealthy, whatever.
I find that if I act while I have emotions bouncing around in my head I _always_ muck it up. Here in Vegas we call that a DUI.... Decision Under the Influence of emotions. Feeling anger when I have been used and abused is a healthy and apropriate feeling. Acting on that anger is a whole different issue.
If I'm feeling good I work out my anger at the gym. Makes for a _great_ workout. Sometimes I'll just take a broomstick and beat up a pillow, or the mattress. I've been known to roll up the windows in my car and just _scream_. That feels pretty good, actually, even if it scares the ***** out the people in the car next to me
Mike
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Expressing anger, feeling anger is a normal and right thing. Heck, when we are treated badly for no good reason, of course anger is one of the emotions that we feel. Its how we react to that anger that we all have to deal with at many times.
For me, I found it best not to display that anger directly to my AH since it did nothing positive. All it did was make me feel worse. What I have frequently done is hold a confrontation with AH in my head where I said what I needed to say without actually talking to him. I find it cartartic to tell him off (out loud sometimes), to express the anger for being treated badly verbally. Another thing I have done is hit the pillows, or hit something with pillows.
There are all sorts of ways to express and work thru anger that are healthy. Feeling anger is perfectly valid. It can become a problem if you just swallow it and don't let it out. That is unhealthy indeed.
For me, I found it best not to display that anger directly to my AH since it did nothing positive. All it did was make me feel worse. What I have frequently done is hold a confrontation with AH in my head where I said what I needed to say without actually talking to him. I find it cartartic to tell him off (out loud sometimes), to express the anger for being treated badly verbally. Another thing I have done is hit the pillows, or hit something with pillows.
There are all sorts of ways to express and work thru anger that are healthy. Feeling anger is perfectly valid. It can become a problem if you just swallow it and don't let it out. That is unhealthy indeed.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 471
I know I had to get angry to accept the truth. I hid things for XAH for so long, convinced myself he wasn't that bad, tried to "do better" to keep him from getting mad, etc. Even when he left I found myself telling him it was my fault and pleading for him to go to counselling so we could work on "our" problems.... One day I finally took off my blinders and really looked at our life together, and let myself get good and angry ~ let myself get really pissed because hemade the decision to choose drugs and alcohol, to be mean and nasty and to go back on everything he ever claimed he wanted for our family. Only after I admitted that the only thing I did "wrong" was to keep dreaming, and got mad as a hatter at him for his behavior have I been able to begin to detach. I still have quite a few "moments", but for the most part now I can thank my anger phase for making XAH not matter very much in my life any more.
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
My anger came from a lot of places.
XABF's antics had me raging...it felt different than being angry...I wished ill on him. I wanted him to screw up, to fail. I wanted to watch him writhe in emotional pain.
I hated him. You know what? For the first time in my life, I gave myself permission to feel it, and I felt it for months.
I had never let myself feel angry at anyone before and I spent 3 months working through all of the anger I swept under the carpet over the past 33 years.
Working on recovering from codependency, reading, exercising, lots of work, my counselor and her homework and self introspection really made the difference in getting past this phase to a place that affords less energy and brings a better sense of peace.
I do wish recovery for him these days and I like to think that I am less likely to personalize anything that he may throw my way should our paths cross in the future.
XABF's antics had me raging...it felt different than being angry...I wished ill on him. I wanted him to screw up, to fail. I wanted to watch him writhe in emotional pain.
I hated him. You know what? For the first time in my life, I gave myself permission to feel it, and I felt it for months.
I had never let myself feel angry at anyone before and I spent 3 months working through all of the anger I swept under the carpet over the past 33 years.
Working on recovering from codependency, reading, exercising, lots of work, my counselor and her homework and self introspection really made the difference in getting past this phase to a place that affords less energy and brings a better sense of peace.
I do wish recovery for him these days and I like to think that I am less likely to personalize anything that he may throw my way should our paths cross in the future.
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