keepingmyjoy

Hi again. I hope you all don't mind, but I really need to tell somebody what is going on around here. Thursday day night my brother in law came over. He is also an alcoholic who lost his family because of his drinking, and is working to keep a certain part of it all alive. He supports them, never drinks when with them, but does not live with them so that when he falls down with the drinking, they do not have to see it. They are together alot, every weekend, and he is devoted to not drinking with them to not lose them all together. His wife, though, will not let him back into the house because she is done with the craziness. So after all he has been through, he wanted to try to talk some sense into my husband, his brother.

So, BIL says to me he is going to try to find out what is up the AH's butt so bad that he has to drink this way and push his family away. He is trying to help, but he is alcoholic too and I am thinking what could he do, but figured what the heck, let him talk to him. So, there they are out there drinking beer and talking all night. About 11:00, when I am getting ready to go to bed, I go outside for my last cigarette. BIL wants me to sit and join them, I say nope, he offers me a beer, I say nope. Everything turns into free for all in the time it takes to smoke 2 cigarettes.

AH is telling BIL that he can everything that HE built, house wife kid. BIL had been trying to tell him that AH has everything he ever wanted, house, nice wife and kid, great job, so here is AH telling him he can have it. BIL tells him how stupid he is and that you don't walk away and how horrible it is to lose your family. AH says he is sick of it all and I can get the **** out and go live with my daughter. BIL says "oh no, I will not let you give up your family and walk away from them-you never walk away from your family. You suck it up and do what you have to to keep them and care for them no matter what". AH says he will take care of us (yeah right), but that he is sick of all this **** and that he doesn't care anymore. BIL tries to find out why he feels that way. AH says it is because I snore, the house is a mess, I don't do anything around here, he does everything etc. (Now I am sure I do not have to tell you that things are the other way around and that I do everything, but I do snore sad to say!) So BIL and I say "those are the reasons you are throwing us away?" He says "yep". He starts throwing his wedding ring around telling me I can have it.

The whole thing is and was so ugly with so much more said. The pain of watching AH in total misery, of his own doing, was hard to take. I felt bad because he can't see anything through his arrogance and abusiveness (verbal only right now) and drunkeness and he is losing everything. He can't even feel it and convinces himself that HE is the one being wronged.

Ok, so amazingly, he gets up and goes to work the next day (Friday). He comes home and sits in the garage with his beer and reads magazine. Daughter, son and I go about doing our usual. He eventually gets up and gets in the shower. After he gets out of shower, I ask if he wants some dinner. He says no, he needs a ride to his brother's apartment. I ask if he is coming back later etc. He says he is staying at his brothers overnight since he's the problem and this way daughter and I can have a nice evening together. This way, daughter won't "pi** him off" and then he say something he shouldn't. Then goes on about how great it will be (sarcastically) to spend the night at his brother's cramped apartment when he has a big house he could be sitting in--on and on basically trying to imply that daughter and I are making it so that he has to do this! When we are on the way, he tells me "ok, so to the beverage center, and then to BIL's". I look at him and say, "I will not be stopping at the beverage center. I told you I will not help you drink". He says, "oh ok, so you are making me walk to the bev center? Fine, I will walk" in an arrogant tone. When we get to BIL's, he says to pick him up in the morning. I say when, he says whenever. Then asks, "why, you have something else to do?". He knows darn well I have something else to do! He heard my daughter saying she had a vet appt for the dog and would I take her! Jerk. So I told him to just call me when he wakes up.

At about 10:45, the calls started coming. Started out nice, ended up nasty. Since the day before I had 3 hrs of sleep, I was going to go to bed when little guy did. But phones started ringing and I decided not to get up and go get him. He told me he was staying overnight...so stay overnight. Not dragging out of bed for his drunken self. He is yelling into the phone at me (we have those walkie talkie cells). Yelling "wake up" and "I want to come home" and he is so drunk I can barely understand him. By the end, he is saying things like, "Ok so I need you to pick me up as we agreed (!) and now you won't answer the phone. So I want a divorce." The calls lasted for about an hour. Over and over. I went back to sleep.

So, I am done. I am not doing this anymore. I am going to make arrangements to leave, not sure how long it will take, but will be as soon as possible.

Thanks, all of you, for letting me vent. I read the other posts about others being past all this and look forward to that time. I am proud of myself for staying firm and not helping him get beer at least.

splendra

Yea I know that "done" feeling....I don't blame you one bit for not going to get him. Can you turn off the phone at night so you can get some sleep?

Not helping him get his beer is a good step in right direction...keeping walking sweetie you will get there.

respektingme

You do realize that you both are in the same behavior molds that many of us have experienced, right? The accusations, the blame, it's all your fault. The house is a mess, he does it all, yeah right.

My AH used to get up at 6:30 on Saturday mornings, make the kids breakfast (who needs to eat at 6:30 on Saturday morning?), do laundry, clean up the kitchen, and then drink all night and sit around resenting the hell out of me because he does all the housework. How convenient. He wasn't up getting the oil changed in the car, or cleaning the garage, or pulling weeds, or buying mulch. He doesn't do the chores he should be doing, he picks chores that are typically mine just so he can justify his drinking.

I used to get so hurt when he'd tie one on and say through gritted teeth, "You're soooooooo LAZZZYYY!!!" Funny how I get anxious and worried if the house is messed up when he gets home from work, but he can get ripped and I'm the pain in the butt if I say anything. Well, that's how it used to work. Doesn't work that way at the moment.

I'm new to Al-Anon so I am working on my own progress. But I think the first thing you should do is stop listening/believing him. He is active. Even when he's not physically drinking, he is still thinking with the alcoholic mind. Stop trying to figure out what is the true cause of his unhappiness. Chances are, it's HIM. But he's not going to admit that. It's too easy to blame you and others. Start trying to figure out what is going to make you happy. Staying with him? If so, what are changes you can make so that life with him is more tolerable?

Think about you and what you are feeling. Listen to yourself. I wish I hadn't spent so many years wondering what he was thinking/feeling, and spent more figuring out what I was thinking. I couldn't even tell you what I was thinking. I was only walking around with my mind spinning on what he said about me or how he felt.

hopeangel

oh my! there seems to be a lot of this going around this week. can i tell you i absolutely love your name "keepingmyjoy" - hold on to that! that is exactly what has helped me getting through this. i am doing everything i can to keep a positive attitude and keep my joy. i think this is the key to holding onto yourself also. good for you putting an end to the enabling.

i know how sad it is to stand there and have your husband -the man you gave everything to choose a can of beer over you. you are worth soo much more. your kids are worth soo much more.

your ah sounds exactly like mine. start making your plans for a better life for you and your kids now.

take care hon!

hopeangel

respekingme! - i just cannot get over how very similiar and predictable alcoholics are. my ah does the "saturday" early morning routine too! ditto every word. oh the insanity, but it is all the same insanity! is there a manual that they buy? "how to be an alcoholic and deny it, justify it, and put the blame on someone else" or "how to play mental mind games with myself and my co-dependant to convince myself i do not have a problem" -perhaps they have their own library of manuals they follow???

8675309

Hopeangel - I think they wrote the manual and it is mentally sharred between the A's sortof like a brotherhood.

CE Girl

There is no other expereince in this life that compares to arguing with a drunk

Madness

My A use to bowl right past any of my "protests" that his "view" was a tad skewed,,

"But, but, but, No, I'm not lazy, and its not MY fault,,and WHAT THE HELL are you talking about?!?!?!?" QUACK<QUACK<QUACK,,,

It got to the point, I would have to PHYSICALLY get out of his space to save myself and STOP the "twisting". You know, that feeling you get in your gut and head when things go to crap? No matter how hard you try to "explain" it only digs you deeper into the abyss of confusion? As you try to defend, your thoughts get so muddled you start to BELEIVE the BS and begin to twist between, I KNOW this is wrong and maybe he's right?

Your on the right track Keeping. Detachment makes you stronger. Takes away the "twisting" so you can think clearly and soon your ACTIONS follow those thoughts.

Peace

LGLG07

They are all so much alike . Ah and I have been seperated for 1 month and theres a restraining order preventing him to come around me, our house and our kids except for his once a week supervised visitation . Guess how many times he has seen the kids?? Not once ! Because he says 'this is bulls***! I shldnt hve supervised visitation, i cant believe you took the kids away from me like this, you are a cold-hearted b!#@$, what happened to you ? your not the same person I married!' ..

I'M not the same person YOU married ??? Oh Im sorry , because you havent changed a bit !!!! WHAT??!!! I think he wrote part of that manual !

Keep moving forward keepingmyjoy ! Every forward step you take gives you so much strength , it makes the next forward step easier !

(())s

Barbara52

Keepingmyjoy, I sorry you are having to go thru all this. Its a painful place to be. But I assure you, you can indeed keep your joy and that peace can return to your life.

embraced2000

i-n-s-a-n-i-t-y!!!!!!!!!

welcome out of the insanity and into the bright light. just follow the bright light. the insanity will begin to fade away.

Lady BlueMiles

It's so sad really, the mess they make out of our lives.

It's been awhile since my AH pulled that stunt, but been there, done that. With AH picking a fight, going out and getting drunk, calling me all hours of the night to come and pick him up. Then me having to drag to work the next day with no sleep from being upset all night.

It's crazy. And it's so hard to deal with the hurtful things they say and do.

I suggest doing something nice for yourself. I'm learning to meet my own emotional needs. Today I bought myself flowers complete with a nice card from me, to me. They look lovely sitting on the dining table and smell so nice.

steve11694

Sometimes you simply need to tell yourself; " ***** him/her and the INSANITY

keepingmyjoy

OMG, I cannot believe how much my AH is like all the others. Respektingme, my AH does the same thing! Gets up and starts doing laundry and cleaning up whatever in the house! And it is not even that bad that it needs cleaning up! Then says little things to make me feel bad like I should have done it already! Hopeangel, I chose my name to remind me everytime I sign on here to keep my joy. Steve...I am just about there!!!

Thanks to you all. It was a really tough weekend. Saturday morning I picked him up and I told him that I am not responsible for his drinking. I cannot stop him from drinking. I cannot figure out what is making him so unhappy. I am not his personal whipping post. I will not stay and be talked to the way he does and will not live with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I told him that I was "this" close to leaving and that if he did not stop treating me the way he is, I will be gone and he will lose everything. I told him it was not enough to stop drinking. He needs counseling. His reactions were humble, apologetic, etc.

3 hrs later and 6 beers later, he was ranting and raving again about my daughter's not having picked up some dog poop in the back yard. It was so disgusting and nasty that I told him I would be making arrangements for all of us to leave and he can have "his" house all to himself. He kept ranting and raving about dog poop! I said to him, " I just told you that I am leaving you for good and all you want to do rant and rave about dog poop????"! Daughter goes to friends with dog cause he was so nasty.

So now get this...he gets up this morning, says he doesn't want to fight today and that he will "try" sobriety the best he can as the first step to save his marriage! He doesn't drink and the whole day acts like everything is fine and normal! He starts helping with laundry etc. I am hardly able to handle anything I am so tired from the stress of the weirdness and I know that I still need to get out of here if I want any kind of peace.

Thanks you all for listening!

hopeangel

oh honey, i have so been exactly where you are at. believe it or not, i really needed to read your post today to remind me because i have been beating myself up like heck over what is going on with me and somehow you reminded me to take it easy on myself because i have made progress. so, thank you.

so now, be real careful with the insanity and getting caught up in the jekyl and hyde. there is a really good chapter in "getting them sober" that really explains how this is exactly how they hook you. there is nothing more confusing than this and nothing that will drain you more than this. getting caught in this is very unhealthy for you and your daughter and dog are just innocently trapped in the middle.

ah had some real issues with my brothers dog when he was with us. be careful. ah ended up making the dogs life really bad here and, in fact, he became abusive with it, and my brother had to come take the dog away from our house in an emergency because it was not safe here. i still feel so horrible about this.

here is a chapter from "getting them sober"

"When an alcoholic gives us comfort and love on an irregular basis – when we cannot know when he or she will be nice – we are much more bound to them than if they gave us love on a regular basis.

The reason for this strong bonding with someone who gives love incon*sistently is that, since we want the love, we are anxiously awaiting it.

Therefore, we pay a lot of attention to him, watching out for when he might be loving. All this “paying a lot of attention” bonds us very tightly to the object or person to whom we are paying so much attention. This “closeness” is not necessarily “love.” It is often more of a bonding due to that intensity, mistaking it for a “close relationship.”

We do not have to pay such close attention at all to the person who comes home at 6 p.m., is nice, says hello, reads the paper, helps with dinner and cleanup, watches TV, and goes to bed. We know the outcome of our interacting with him; it’s normal. We expect the kindness; we get it regularly. We have no need to spend any time looking for it."

kglast

i think i am going to read my copy of Getting Them Sober again...it is AMAZING how they can still make us feel badly and start to wonder if we really did do them wrong....WTF?!?!?!?

Wascally Wabbit

This is the place we come to when we can no longer live in chaos, fear and terror.
It's what we do in order to take care of ourselves. This kind of living takes a hard toll on everyone. Eventually we no longer have the energy to deal with it.

Just remember not to be hard on yourself. It isn't your fault he drinks. It's his own fault and until he recognizes that, the chaos will remain, and get worse.

keepingmyjoy

Thank you all! You are so right. Hopeangel, thanks for the quotes. I needed that reminder. I think where I am at is that I know I am leaving, but when I feel mad, it doesn't hurt so much. But now while things "seem" normal, I feel bad for what I am about to do to him by leaving! Now that is insane. Right now, he is trying to hide in the bedroom. He has not had a drink since Saturday and so I think is trying to keep out of sight of daughter, because he knows that he will not be able to be nice--drinking or not.

Tonight, I had the little guy in the tub and hear this big bang. I run out to see what happened, he says he fell. After little guy dressed etc, daughter says she needs to tell me something. Go outside and she says that AH hit the railing of the stairs really hard when he walked back in from having a cigarette. She thinks he did that because she was watching TV downstairs instead of "in her room where she belongs"! I am sure that is it too...

But, good news! Daughter got the apartment she wanted! Going to sign the lease in next few days! I am so excited, she will be safe and little doggy too! Phew. 1st step completed once she is settled. I am keeping the peace for now until she is out and safe. Once she is gone, will tell him that I is unacceptable to me the way he treated her and I will be making my arrangements now that she is settled for little guy and I to leave. He will not like it, but oh well. I have to survive! I have to have peace.

Thanks so much for listening and being there for me!