hbb

So much that you've created this whole new life for your other half!! I'm just sitting here wondering, because in my head i've created this WONDERFUL life for my exabf that i know will be a long time coming the way he is right now!!! Just wondering if anyone else does this. It's amazing what the mind does if you let it. Knowing my ex has a longggggg way to go in recovery (if he is still) that i've created this white picket fence great life without me in it.

I know it totally doesn't matter anymore what he's doing, where he is but i guess i was just curious if this is a natural thing that we do....let our minds wander down these paths because i'd like to stop my thoughts before he's owning a mansion!!!!......just wondering

cookconfay

UH. . .I can I know that. . .

MTBChick

I'm sure we all have been guilty of it at one time or another.

guineapigjude

Hmmm. I often worry that he'll have this amazing life without me ~ because I haven't completely accepted that it wasn't my fault. (Codie in progress!) You know, thinking that he'll pull himself together, have a great home, do well in business, take nice trips, have nice things, dothings with/ give things to the kids that I can't possibly, and on and on. This will, of course, prove that I was the root of his problems! But I'm at least now at a place where I stop myself and get a grip on reality ... he is who he is while he's drinking/using. Unless and until he hits bottomand gets help, he will continue spiralling downward. Luckily the biggest difference now is that, since we're divorced, I no longer know what goes on in his life. He'll always want me to think he's doing great/controlling his drinking/not using . Deep down he knows how messed up he is, so he'll lie through his teeth to continue living this way.

hbb

I know what you mean, i actually go back a few weeks where the only thing out of my mouth was "WHAT IF" .... and since then, i think it has gone to WHATEVER (thanks to Anvilheads comment back when). I read alot about the what ifs and i know that all too well. I really think i "what if'd" EVERY possible scenerio!!! I'm so greatful for everyone here that is pulling me through these days.

queenteree

My RAH's 1st marriage ended in divorce after 1 1/2 years because he wouldn't stop drinking and she could no longer live with him. He remained single and drank for another 10 years after the divorice (blamed his drinking on her ending the marriage), met me, drank another 3 years, got sober for 14, then drank another couple of years, now recovering for 2 1/2 mos. My point is, if she had seen him with me during his sober years, she may have thought, "oh, too bad he couldn't stop for me, she's got what I always wanted, etc..." but you know what, I still had to deal with the relapse, drama and the chaos and all that goes along with alcoholism and he never got sober for "me", he got sober for "him" and that is the only way it will ever work!!!! Not everything is as you see it from the other side of the fence. And you know what, I too, in spite of what I am saying here and now, have thought (before RAH got sober), "I know if I end this marriage, he'll stop drinking for someone else and I had to deal with all this crap, she'll be the lucky one." I think we're all guilty of that at one time or another.

hbb

Haaaaaahaaaaaaaaaa Thanks Anvil....I'll try that next time lol!!! Thanks for the chuckle!!! I can always count on you

hbb

Yes Queentree, i think sometimes like that, with HIS ex, like i helped him get sober for him to go back to her but it doesn't matter to me anymore. I gave it my all, my best, my heart and soul for both of us to succeed and i've realized that's all i could/can do. If he can't/doesn't appreciate that than i can't make him see that. In my opinion, it really is his loss. I'm starting to see the light that i am a good person and when he told me that "i deserve better" i wished i said YUP YOUR RIGHT, I DO someone will benefit !!!

Barbara52

I have managed to largely just not think about my AH and what his life will be. I truly have let go and put AH in God's hands. AH will either hit bottom and change his life or stay a bottom dweller. Its his problem.

I still have to go thru the process of divorce which will take about 7 months (and that's gonna entail selling our house unless he cons one of his family members to refinance with him to buy me out) but emotionally, I'm gone. I refuse to worry about his problems, his progress or lack of progress. My attorney will be the one to deal with him, not me.

I haven't seen him since I left 3 weeks ago. I may see him once more to tell him face to face that I hired an attorney and will be proceeding with the divorce. I don't have to do it face to face but probably will so I can give him the family engagement ring I used to wear. I am not concerned with him getting violent or nasty. He's more likely to go the morose, poor little me route. I'll meet him in public to control that part of it.

Its a wonderful feeling to just not have to carry all of AH's crap anymore. I am happy and at peace and know in my soul I did the right thing for me and for AH.

hbb

Now i'm bummed....i am leaving for vacation tomorrow and just was getting gas and all i wanted to do was get through today without passing or seeing my ex and low and behold he just passed me at the gas station with a girl in the front seat I couldn't tell if it was his ex or not but now i'm completely sad and i KNEW he would get the best of me as strong as i thought i was.......now what, my vacation is ruined because i just saw him.....

Barbara52

Only if you choose to allow this to ruin your vacation! Why do you give this man such power over you? Why do you continue to let him rule your life?

guineapigjude

...the hardest part of the fantasy to get over is the one where we secretly wish he'd come back all healed and we could actually live the dreamlife we created for ourselves when we were with him. When we're faced with the reality that he's moved on ~ ouch. But when I start on that trip, I sit down and force myself to remember the reality of being with my XAH. Then I have to pity for anyone who's hooked up with him.
This is today, addiction is the reality, there is (thank goodness) no going back to the dreamworld. You are going on vacation, and will have loads of time to create new, healthy, doable dreams! Go enjoy yourself. Hear that? YOUrself. Keep him out of it!!!

minnie

I remember very clearly the day I realised just how arrogant I was being when I thought I knew the kind of life my (then) fiance SHOULD be leading. And the sense of loss when I dismantled the hopes and dreams I had for us.

In truth, he is doing what he always did - leaching off women to maintain a false persona. What he had with me was a) what he always had at the beginning of a relationship and b) the luck to be hooked up with someone who could make him some money. We had a great business together, yet he has run it into the ground since I left, and last I heard he is $16,000+ in arrears on his rent and he still has to pay me over $40,000 starting in January.

Let go of the dream, girls. It only existed in your minds. And hbb, if you let your thoughts ruin your vacation, then that is on your head.

Edit - I should say that I have been very lucky in that I have been told directly from my successor the beginning, middle and end of their relationship, without prompting or indeed, drama. It was identical in every way to ours, so that answered any of the "what ifs" for me.

hbb

Thank you girls, i know and i guess this just proved my "what if" theory. I can't even be 100 percent sure it was him and it didn't look like her...i'm going crazy. I need to regroup and focus on how happy this week has been. And your right, he can't hold this power over me. And he's NOT ruining my vacation....thanks for bringing me back to reality, i truly appreciate it. And in the words of Anvilhead a BIG WHATEVER......

Mair

Hi HBB

Ouch, i bet that hurt sweetie, but it wont hurt for long you'll see your getting stronger. Your vacation couldnt come at a better time, and you will enjoy it i promise. The way i look at it he will never have a loving lasting relationship because of the way he is. BUT YOU WILL. My xab told me that his relationships only lasted a few weeks before me, he's 46, living alone,has an alcoholic son he never sees that has no respect for him(wonder why) and the reason i stayed with him so long was because i remembered him when he wasnt controlled by drink when he was a successful sportsman, and was good at all he did. I bet he scared the living daylights out of these woman who fell for his charm, when he'd have his monthly rampage. So what i do when i start thinking about the woman he might be with right now is pity them cos i know what they will go through.

And if by any chance he decides to stop drinking and finds a nice girlfriend, then i wouldn't like to be in her shoes anyway, i would always worry if he will start drinking again, that must be soooo difficult to live with. Be strong HBB we can do it.

M x

Mr. Christian

I’m not sure if it’s different for us guys, but I never wonder about her having a good life.
Hell I know she’s messed up and I’m living large, so that’s all that matters to me.


Next time this happens, switch the thinking to how good your life is going to be without a 200 lb. ankle bracelet you need to drag along and pick up after.

raerae6

I used to wonder what my exabf was doing too. At first after the split up, I used to imagine him having all kinds of fun with someone new etc. I thought, "what if he is with someone else and he is clean now? I don't know why I was even considering this as a possibility when I know how bad of an addict he is.

I heard once that a codie's biggest fear is that their loved one will get clean without them...

This new girl is probably in for the same crap you went through. Just be glad it is behind you.

a few weeks ago I ran into my ex's brother who told me that him and my ex had been living in different places and getting kicked out of every one. I didn't ask for details, because I don't have so much interest in what he is doing anymore. But it looks like he is doing the same old sh*t. He is still using drugs and still using other people. He is what he is and he acts accordingly.

Please don't give him the power to ruin your vacation! You deserve to have a good time.

respektingme

If I wind up divorced, the only thing I'll be thinking about is what MY life will be like. I've spent too much time worrying about how he feels, why he's upset, how he could demean me like that, what he meant when he said that, why he could betray me like that, why I'm the last on the totem pole, or why his mommy always come before me. Ugh!

If I'm ever away from him, I can't imagine spending another second wondering what is going through his head. Will probably be pure grain alcohol. I'll be living wonderfully, not worrying that anyone will come home in a bad mood, not worrying about someone creating tension in my house, shuffling the kids off so they don't see someone's googly eyes roll around in their head. Nope. None of that. I'll let him wonder what I'm doing.

raerae6

Well said!

hbb

Thank you all, this is exactly what i needed before bed. I was out with two really good friends for support tonight. The thing is is that it's his ex that he never got over with from 8 years and i think that's what hurts. BUT and this is a big BUT whose to say it will even work out, they have been apart for 2, i've given him a wonderful world for 9 months and if it didn't work out then it probably won't work out now but at least i know what this loser is getting .... A BIGGER LOSER..... good luck and i know deep down he did me a favor. It just is a slap in the face and brings my self esteem so far down and i know it shouldn't but it's hard not to think about him.

I'll be wireless on vacation so i will be checking in thanks again and i look forward to some encouragement to get me through next week....i love you guys !!!