pineapple2007

Good day everyone. I need some advice with something please……….
I am not a cocky person I just want to express/explain myself and my issue....

I currently fell very content with myself physically. I am not over or under weight. My body is in very good shape. I am nicely tanned and my toes look nice! I have recently bought a whole bunch of very nice lingerie. Also I recently bought pretty much a whole wardrobe of clothing and shoes! (Went on a serious shopping binge after the initial break up, you know how that is!)

I am depressed, stressed, missing and have avoid in my life but for some reason I still take care of myself every day (except for pigging out on a lot of junk food lately !)

I am not trendy, and I am proud of that (my unique qualities). I am very well put together every day I step out of my house.

But there is one thing. Why do I feel like it is all a big waste! Like I am a big waste if I have NO boyfriend to see me, embrace me, caress me, love me, etc?!?!? I know that sounds so ********.

I feel like a loser! Has anyone else ever felt this way? What is this feeling? I feel good about..well… LOOKING GOOD! and I am grateful and I thank God as well for keeping me healthy.

But this is a thought that I cannot/was never able to shake. I have struggled with this every time I am alone/break up with someone. I always think “damn, if only he/someone/ANYONE saw how good I am looking today!!”

Maybe if I had some insight as to why / where these feelings are coming from, I can start directing them in a healthier place.

I don’t want to think like this anymore because I know it’s unhealthy. Any answers for me, advice, or personal experiences? It would be greatly appreciated..

parentrecovers

be patient and keep working on your recovery. take care the "inside"...

blessings, k

LaTeeDa

I've learned through counseling and a lot of reading, that I have spent my whole life looking for approval. Basing my feelings about myself on the opinions of others and other external factors. Now, I'm learning that what the rest of the world thinks of me is of little consequence compared to what I think of me.

L

Astro

Those are perfect thoughts!

It took me a long time to learn that feeling good about myself comes from the inside, not from the validation of others. Nowadays I enjoy taking care of myself, dressing at least fairly well, feeling comfortable, exercising, eating right, and knowing that I look just fine! Working with others and nurturing friendships comes with a pay-off, I get back what I give tenfold!

hbb

Hi Pineapple...i know exactly how you feel it is an inside job to progress to the ouside image. I myself, as you, dress well, keep up with the styles, do my hair, make-up and all that good stuff. But you know what, the other day i told my counselor that i feel like when i look in the mirror i see 600 lbs. staring back at me (which is not the case) and she looked at me like i was nuts!! But it's all inside self image. Once you start to have good feelings about yourself on the inside, then both will shine. Boy, if i could take my own advice LOL!!!!

You DON'T need a guy to tell you, he!! my ex, had such low self esteem, he NEVER told me i looked nice and i ALWAYS told him how handsome he was and how nice he looked in his outfits. You'll get there Pineapple, we will help each other!! You already sound so much better

mike_mass

It sounds like you're caught up in the surface things...many of us are. Vanity is a very hard trait to suppress.

hbb

Hey Mike Mass....hot today lol!!! Whitmanite over here

an'ka

Great question, Pineapple. In my opinion, you take care of yourself and dress well because you DO, in fact, value yourself, and while you may be emotionally hurt, stressed, or out of sorts, at least you can control this little part of your life--your appearance. I understand you feeling like it's a waste sometimes when you're all dressed up, but nowhere to go, so to speak. I was discussing this very same thing with my girlfriends just last Friday. BUT, when you step out of your house each day looking well, EVERYBODY around you notices, whether you see it or not. You create an air of positive energy and may even be an example to other people. Personally, when I know I look good, I FEEL good, and even though I may be physically or mentall exhausted, people perceive me as a confident woman who respects herself and they treat me accordingly, which nourishes my own self esteem. Don't discount that, it's all a continous cycle.

When I feel the way you do, I remember the fact that I take care of my health and appearance for MYSELF; it is an outward manifestation of love and respect for my own being, for my own worth. That is so much more important than the admiration of a man, because men come and go, but I will live with myself for the rest of my life.

splendra

If you look good I am sure that someone is noticing. What I want to know is are you paying attention....

I think these feelings come from isolating oneself, being too self absorbed, and unaware. I have been there....

I also have noticed who I notice and that I have often gone for the sickest one in the room....they can id me too...the way I carry myself and what I pay attention too others notice...so all I can do is change me though and pay attention to what is going on around me and stop being so self absorbed, and trapped inside my head...

mike_mass

98 in the shade.

embraced2000

what interesting creatures we are! i will downplay my looks, so as not to draw attention. no matter what form our issues take, i honestly believe most of it comes from the same place.....from inside.

from a hole inside ourselves that we are trying to fill. trying to figure it all out is what is so wonderful about the recovery road.

and i really do get so tired of trying to overthink every little thing i think, do, or say. but it comes with the territory of getting to know myself after so many years of being in the dark and flying by the seat of my pants.

i have discovered that on days that i go to the extra lengths to heighten my appearances (so i think), i get just as much attention as when i just pull my hair back in a ponytail, face scrubbed clean, and "my comfy, well-worn, out of date, well used and well loved favorite lounging around in clothes"

i have found that it is about the vibes i send out.....if i feel confident, peaceful, serene, funny, smart, well balanced it shows whether i'm all gussied up or look like i've just hoed the garden.

it took me so ever long to even go to the mailbox without my hair all fixed, makeup on, clothes just right. i had to realize that i was not that important that someone would actually take notice if they saw me at the mailbox and i wasn't all made up. what difference could it possibly make in the scheme of things???

i used to would have just died inside if someone saw me "undone".....now i'm very casual and happy with how i look at any given moment.....

this was how it was with me anyway.

pineapple2007

Thanks everyone......

I get compliments every day. and guys asking me for my info aswell. I am not interested. I pay attention to this attention... but I cant FEEL what they are saying.

EVEN when i get As in school (even though i struggle to get them)..... i cant feel my acomplishments. People tell me, "oh look what u did for so and so... look at such nice work u did," and I am like, "ya, cool"... but i can't feel what they are saying. Maybe it is because all my life I have never got those comments from my mom... the positive reinforcement, or verbal praise...so now that i am older I cant fell it? I dunno. But I hate it. I wish I felt worthy.

The only time i really really felt it in my heart of hearts that I acomplished something was last year. I would see pics of beautiful beaches and I got this idea to go to one! I said "I AM GOING TO SAVE AND GO ON VACATION!" and it happened. June 2006 when I took my first trip anywhere on an air plane ALONE to Mexico. When i did that I said "I HAVE TO DO THIS AGAIN" July 2007 i did it again. but u all know how that went.

ANYHOZ......... I just want to feel it inside...

an'ka

Wow, Pineapple, that's exactly how I feel! It's as if I wrote your post myself. Over the years, I've received so many compliments on my educational accomplishments, the fact that I moved to this country on my own at such a young age and was completely independent, yada, yada... I say "thanks", but those things don't feel like accomplishments to me. I don't know why. I always feel that in a group of people, my life is boring and irrelevant and why would anyone want to hear about it? I have this persistent tendency to devalue my own needs, my experiences, push my wants aside....

Why do I consider myself so unimportant?

cookconfay

Dang Anvil you did it again. . . you are always right on!!! Thanks so much!!

pineapple2007

SAME !!!!!!!!!! holy smokes. That is EXACTLY how I feel. I devalue myself. and my experiences. One place I must see is The Great Wall of China. And I bet when I get there I STILL wont feel acomplished. lol.... but ya i know what u mean about people talking about OOOOH UR SO BRAVE, U WENT AWAY ALONE! yada yada, EXACTLY! (I guess we are damn brave an'ka ) But I dont FEEEEEL it... why?

I feel this serious block that allows me to feel it. Maybe it has to do with my childhood?....

an'ka

Ah, yes, there is always childhood, eh?

I didn't get much acceptance and especially affection growing up. I felt I had to earn it, to impress my mom with good grades or clean house or what have you. If I wasn't responsible, I was punished, belittled. So, I guess for me, I was conditioned to seek approval and please the authority figure. So, even as a child, I learned that it was much better to be in good standing with the "higher ups" than being good to myself. Maybe my own sense of unimportance stems from that.

As for accomplishments...for instance, getting my masters was easy for me. Academics are second nature and are not much of a challenge for me, so without that sense of sacrifice and struggle, I guess I feel like it came to easy and therefore was not an "accomplishment" per se. Hmm. Maybe subconsciously I am a proponent of "no pain, no gain"...

cookconfay

My biggie is fear I know! I can try to act tough and all, but lots of times I am just a scared insecure little girl!!!!

embraced2000

like anvilhead (excellant post, btw) i was raised very much the same......very little recognitition in a positive way, and i developed traits much like anvil describes.....perfectionism with very few completes. wowwwweeee. how so very interesting are we, so different, yet so much alike?????

anyway, i was born very tall into a family of short people. by the 4th grade i was a head taller than my mom and step dad. it was always talked about in front of me like i was not there. "man, she's bigger than a cow!" ..........you should have seen me sitting at the little kids table for holidays......i stuck out like a sore thumb.

i can remember the guffaws of the adults when someone would crack a remark about my heighth. needless to say, i developed a lot of issues about life.

it wasn't until into my 50's, and after much pain from just "gettin by" in life, that i learned to nurture myself. i had to learn to change my inner dialogue about myself, to myself.

one of the first things i can remember doing is standing in front of a mirror, very close up, and staring into my own eyes and reflecting about myself. i know this may sound very corny, but it was a beginning.......and i would say to myself......i am jeri. and i love you jeri. i love you just the way you are.

i know that sounds really corny.

anyway, i also changed what i said to myself when i screwed up on things. i used to say things like....how could i have been so stupid? god, you're so dumb. you know he/she won't like you. etc............ you get the gist. so i changed that....anytime i felt compelled to say something hurtful to myself, i would think of what i would say to a friend in the same situation.....and i started saying those same supportive, nurturing things to myself.