jandi

My husband drinks every night. starts with few glasses of wine with dinner and always ends with whisky. some nights its just one or two large ones and other nights can be half a bottle. he never gets aggressive, if anything is nicer and drinks at home, not out. problem is I think its not normal and he knows I want him to have a few nights off per week but he never does. it does affect our relationship cause he snores so we sleep in seperate rooms and he is mostly in a bad mood in the morning until hangover starts to wear off. he maintains he has no problem and its true it doesnt affect his behaviour, but i cant help worry and feel down about the situation. weve had many rows about it but it never changes. is he an alcoholic?

baggervance

Only one peron can answer that, your husband. Does he have black outs does he feel guilty about drinking , does it cause relationship problems? If he is it gets worse this is progressive.Have you read the big book?It might give you some in sight.

Taking5

But at the same time:
"he snores so we sleep in seperate rooms" - trust me, this is made worse by alcohol.
"he is mostly in a bad mood in the morning until hangover starts to wear off"
and
"weve had many rows about it but it never changes"

I'd say that qualifies as affecting his behaviour.

Also, alcoholism is progressive. I cannot say if your husband in alcoholic, but if he is it will only get worse - missing work, memory problems, assorted health problems.

I like Bagger's idea about the big book of AA. Read that starting with page 165, have hime read it too if he will. At the end of the book, if he thinks he may be alcoholic and wants to do something about it, have him read pages 1-164.

denny57

I have a well-worn copy of the Big Book myself; but I'd suggest Al-Anon and its literature first. My worries lessened as I learned to take the focus off the drinker and the drinking.

Welcome to SR!

rkymtncowboy

Sounds like you A is just ahead of mine right before I married her. Things went great for the first 6 years then she progressed fast. First was losing her job, then going into the hospital totally out for 8 days. She just got out of the hospital surviving pancreatitis and alcoholic hepatitis. This is a progressive disease and you can be in for a long financial killing ride.
Your only escape is Al-Anon.

FormerDoormat

I think "he's grumpy in the morning because he has a hang over" means that his drinking DOES affect his behavior. And it must be affecting yours as well, or you wouldn't be posting here.

Sounds to me like you both have a problem with alcohol. He is responsible for dealing with his problem; you are responsible for dealing with yours. Alanon and posting on SoberRecovery helped me.

Welcome to the forum.

parentrecovers

nice to meet you, jandi! k

jandi

Thanks all, yes im new to all of this and am very sorry to have had to even looked for this site. We have only been married a short while and have a one year old beautiful baby girl. I thought he would stop drinking when the responsibilties of a baby came along and never realised before that it probably is a real problem. the more time goes on and the more I ask him to stop the more I think we have a problem. he makes false promises that never materialise. Is this what they all do, say they will stop and never do, is this what alcoholism really is? You say progressive, if he refuses to see he has a problem or get help what does my future hold.

mike_mass

This all doesn't sound too good.

hopeangel

welcome jandi you are posting here for help and you will get it. the fact that you are posting means that it is a problem for you. seek help for youself. we can very easily become as sick, if not more, than the alcoholic in our lives. i only wish i had sought help much earlier in my relationship with my AH. it could have saved me much heartache.

much of what you state reminds me of my father. he was much like you describe. he never caused any problems, was not a mean drunk, and would give us anything we needed, but he was emotionally and physically distant. i never knew how much this affected my mom until after he died at age 55 from cancer (right before he died was the only time we hugged, or said i love you). he just wasn't affectionate. i watched my mom hurt badly from all this after he died. she was starved for affection i guess and there was financial debt that she did not know about and that hurt her.

now, she has found a man at age 66 who is very affectionate towards her and she is soo happy. she didn't know how to act. he is the complete opposite of my dad. i will still say today that my father was a great guy though and gave me everything i needed aside, but i am just now beginning the realize the impact losing my father at such a young age had on me.

some real quick suggests. do things for yourself that make you happy. do anything you can to improve yourself. read self help materials. keep journals. keep close contact with family and friends, people that build you up. it is very easy to lose ourselves worrying about the alcoholic.

take care

take care dear.

denny57

No one can predict what your future will be. You might want to start clicking on people's names and reading their individual stories. Alcoholics are not cookie cutter cliches, but some things do seem to be a given: one, it is progressive. As it progressed in my own marriage, I became sicker and sicker, too. My life, which after 18 years began to revolve around the alcoholic's drinking, was not a happy one.

Al-Anon, therapy, sessions with our family doctor, and educating myself on the disease (including open AA meetings) have turned my life around. I am no longer in the marriage. For me, far too much damage had been done; also, AH continues to drink.

Keep posting - glad you're here!

CE Girl

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

I came to SR cause I was ready for something to change and for the first time I realized since my XA wasn't gonna change then I guess it was up to me,,,

Threes c's Jandi

You did not CAUSE it
You can't CONTROL it
You can not CURE it,,

Welcome to SR,,,

Peace

baggervance

You should have no shame in looking for help or answers.I made promises to my wife along to myself countless time and meant everyone.I just could not stop.I was miserable.My mind would tell me why are you doing this to yourself you know your going to drink agin so lets ease this pain.I have two children and same wife I love them but I loved alcohol more.AA is only thing that ever worked for me.If your H is a alcoholic like me and dosent get some type of help your future is going to be a living hell.You will be manipulated,lied to, and abused in some way.But it dosen't have to be like that help is there he just has to want it.You cant make him well dont even try that.