Do you ever?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Out on a MTB trail somewhere
Posts: 202
gns,
Good question. I will have to take an honest look and see if there is anger from my childhood. I'm sure there probably is and I'm sure I have probably locked it away so far that I"m not positive of its exact source. I don't really think I'm angry at my ex. I'm angry at myself. For the longest time I've turned that anger inwards and it has manifested itself in depression. This honestly is the first time where I have felt actual anger, and its like the anger I used to feel when I was a child and I'd have a temper tantrum. I know when I was little and I'd get angry and have a temper tantrum it was often times in response to no one taking my feelings into account or even acknowledging that I had feelings. I'd like to think that he had really seen me and knew me but the reality is if he did there would have been obvious signs, and there never was.
Good question. I will have to take an honest look and see if there is anger from my childhood. I'm sure there probably is and I'm sure I have probably locked it away so far that I"m not positive of its exact source. I don't really think I'm angry at my ex. I'm angry at myself. For the longest time I've turned that anger inwards and it has manifested itself in depression. This honestly is the first time where I have felt actual anger, and its like the anger I used to feel when I was a child and I'd have a temper tantrum. I know when I was little and I'd get angry and have a temper tantrum it was often times in response to no one taking my feelings into account or even acknowledging that I had feelings. I'd like to think that he had really seen me and knew me but the reality is if he did there would have been obvious signs, and there never was.
Live, Laugh, Love
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
((((MTB))))) I now this really stinks but you know what, Respektingme has a really really good point, you DON'T want a friend like that. Think of it this way, if you just met him and weren't dating him, and he treated you this way, would you be "friends" with him....i gotta believe A BIG NO......friends don't treat friends that way.
My ex's first words to me when he dumped me was "i hope we can be friends" and i looked at him and was like are you kidding??? I have enough friends that won't treat me that way, and disrespect me that way.......MTB you can be sad, angry, hurt...all those things. Its okay, but you don't want a friend like him. And i'm not saying people can't change but you know what, you deserve to be treated better.
My ex's first words to me when he dumped me was "i hope we can be friends" and i looked at him and was like are you kidding??? I have enough friends that won't treat me that way, and disrespect me that way.......MTB you can be sad, angry, hurt...all those things. Its okay, but you don't want a friend like him. And i'm not saying people can't change but you know what, you deserve to be treated better.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
I have "temper tantrums" when I don't get my way. If I'm not careful, I get this perfect little idea of exactly how everything will turn out. When that doesn't happen , I lose my serenity. In fact, my serenity and my expectations are inversely proportianal.......Accept what is, it's a lot easier.
As far as him reading this, you don't know that. Unless you have some sort of IP tracking software and have hacked into the SR database....(which I'm sure violates the TOS)
As far as him reading this, you don't know that. Unless you have some sort of IP tracking software and have hacked into the SR database....(which I'm sure violates the TOS)
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
STOP.... MTB .... stop this frantic and just breath..... Please slow yourself down and breath. Who the He** cares if he is reading, maybe if he is ... it would be the wake up call he needs.... if it is not ... dont worry we are not there for someone who could possibly be looking but maybe not.
Your having that panic attack myself issue.... Stop .... breath.
However, when it came to my exabf there were so many times even early on in the relationship where the "normal" me would have been like see ya later I'm not digging how your treating me...but I didn't and I don't understand why. Why could I stand firm with all these other people but not him? I don't want to become dumb again and let another guy drag me through the exact same emotional H hockey sticks.
Because God is doing you a favor.... that is why. I know it does not feel like it at the moment and there have been many many times I would have prefered God keep his lessons (favors) to himself .... but regardless of all that ... you have to come back to the first steps. (Trust me when in a panic attack I hate them too.... and Im right there with you and my sponsor is showing me the need to do this even today) Remember back to your childhood when your parents would stay stupid things like. "This is going to hurt me more then it hurts you"... or when they told you NO and you had a fit when you were a teen and could not understand why your parents were so dumb.
It is my opinion that God is my father..... well now that Im a Mom I sure understand the "hurt me more then it hurts you" concept. Lessons sometimes hurt.... We dont like them and as a parent I HATE standing back and allowing my daughter to make the same mistakes that I did .... and if she would only listen to me....... yea yea.
The bottom line of it all is that ... Im not in control.... neither are you. But let me assure you that I love my daughter more then life itself... I would happily give my life if needed..... Jesus gave his... and we are just as important to God (and much more since he is perfect) but that does not mean it does not hurt to guide and parent us.
Once I met a women who was so far depressed.... she was being raped by her husband and since she was christian she though she should take no action. .... in fact to be honest she did not even think about it... she thought that is was his "right" as a husband.... and she prayed to God to be a better wife and "want" this.... mind you.. to this day what he was doing makes my skin crawl. When I met her and listened to her prayer that she be given the blessing to "WANT TO PLEASE HER HUSBAND" I almost puked... it was so hurtful and sad then I had ever heard.
However........................ I was the wife of an Alcoholic.......... I was raped more times then I care to remember ......... at that time when it was happening I had your anger. I under ... it hurts to a depth many will never understand and I pray they never experience. I loved my husband and in turn her druged and raped me..........
I would never have been able to help that women if I had not lived it.... Im not so sure that I am a good teacher... but I do know I understood her pain like no other that had not experienced it would.... Im not always thankful for those experiences ... and there are many more then that one.... but what I have discovered is .............................
God created me, loves me and will use me for the best interest of HIS plan. That does not mean I will like it........... Most of the really hard lessons i dont like at all cuz they hurt like hell.... but I can promise you that with the same depth of pain................ he will prepare you for the same depth of joy... but you would not have know it without having gone through what you did or are.
I have posted this song cuz it gives me peace when "I" think God is either left me or is giving me too much............ and I "hate" him for it.
The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive
But I feel like I've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away
After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God let me walk through this place
And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how You've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames
Here and I am at the end of me(at the end of me)
Trying to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to your promise there will be a dawn
Your having that panic attack myself issue.... Stop .... breath.
However, when it came to my exabf there were so many times even early on in the relationship where the "normal" me would have been like see ya later I'm not digging how your treating me...but I didn't and I don't understand why. Why could I stand firm with all these other people but not him? I don't want to become dumb again and let another guy drag me through the exact same emotional H hockey sticks.
Because God is doing you a favor.... that is why. I know it does not feel like it at the moment and there have been many many times I would have prefered God keep his lessons (favors) to himself .... but regardless of all that ... you have to come back to the first steps. (Trust me when in a panic attack I hate them too.... and Im right there with you and my sponsor is showing me the need to do this even today) Remember back to your childhood when your parents would stay stupid things like. "This is going to hurt me more then it hurts you"... or when they told you NO and you had a fit when you were a teen and could not understand why your parents were so dumb.
It is my opinion that God is my father..... well now that Im a Mom I sure understand the "hurt me more then it hurts you" concept. Lessons sometimes hurt.... We dont like them and as a parent I HATE standing back and allowing my daughter to make the same mistakes that I did .... and if she would only listen to me....... yea yea.
The bottom line of it all is that ... Im not in control.... neither are you. But let me assure you that I love my daughter more then life itself... I would happily give my life if needed..... Jesus gave his... and we are just as important to God (and much more since he is perfect) but that does not mean it does not hurt to guide and parent us.
Once I met a women who was so far depressed.... she was being raped by her husband and since she was christian she though she should take no action. .... in fact to be honest she did not even think about it... she thought that is was his "right" as a husband.... and she prayed to God to be a better wife and "want" this.... mind you.. to this day what he was doing makes my skin crawl. When I met her and listened to her prayer that she be given the blessing to "WANT TO PLEASE HER HUSBAND" I almost puked... it was so hurtful and sad then I had ever heard.
However........................ I was the wife of an Alcoholic.......... I was raped more times then I care to remember ......... at that time when it was happening I had your anger. I under ... it hurts to a depth many will never understand and I pray they never experience. I loved my husband and in turn her druged and raped me..........
I would never have been able to help that women if I had not lived it.... Im not so sure that I am a good teacher... but I do know I understood her pain like no other that had not experienced it would.... Im not always thankful for those experiences ... and there are many more then that one.... but what I have discovered is .............................
God created me, loves me and will use me for the best interest of HIS plan. That does not mean I will like it........... Most of the really hard lessons i dont like at all cuz they hurt like hell.... but I can promise you that with the same depth of pain................ he will prepare you for the same depth of joy... but you would not have know it without having gone through what you did or are.
I have posted this song cuz it gives me peace when "I" think God is either left me or is giving me too much............ and I "hate" him for it.
The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive
But I feel like I've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away
After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God let me walk through this place
And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how You've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames
Here and I am at the end of me(at the end of me)
Trying to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to your promise there will be a dawn
Last edited by Cynay; 08-01-2007 at 10:49 PM.
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
hey MTB - So been there with the absolute primal rage.
It started as anger and then I raged for about 3-4 weeks, calming down for a few weeks afterwards.
In that time, I made sure to be around those whom I could express my anger to and talk things through, that I had anger releasing activities (embraced once mentioned ripping out weeds from her garden, imagining it was his hair) and to avoid those who think anger is "ugly".
I refused to be berated for feeling angry - I needed to rage, I needed to pick up each angry stone and put it back where it belonged. It was something I had not done most of my life, so suddenly, I realized I had a huge anger stone collection to deal with.
I have never allowed myself to HATE anyone until recently...I HATED him for a good month. But, when all was said and done I got so much done on the inside and out - when I cleaned house on the inside, great things began happening on the outside.
Yeah - I wanted him to PAY, I wanted him to FAIL, I wanted him to feel every morsel of hurt he sent my way, there were times I was so hurt I felt like I would die from the pain - and I wanted him to experience every bloody beat from my demolished and bulldozed heart...but to be honest, I was most angry at me, and needed to throw ever fiber of myself into working through the anger to forgive myself. This was my salvation.
In regards to a universal justice - don't you worry...he will get what is coming to him. I can't remember who said it (maybe taz?) but someone said the worst punishment for an A is for you to get a life and move on, for you to get to a place where you just don't care what's going on, whether or not he's reading this, what he thinks a "friend" is, or whether or not he eats tofu (random thought)...you simply won't care.
((((MTB))))
You'll get there - do the work on you, reap the rewards.
It started as anger and then I raged for about 3-4 weeks, calming down for a few weeks afterwards.
In that time, I made sure to be around those whom I could express my anger to and talk things through, that I had anger releasing activities (embraced once mentioned ripping out weeds from her garden, imagining it was his hair) and to avoid those who think anger is "ugly".
I refused to be berated for feeling angry - I needed to rage, I needed to pick up each angry stone and put it back where it belonged. It was something I had not done most of my life, so suddenly, I realized I had a huge anger stone collection to deal with.
I have never allowed myself to HATE anyone until recently...I HATED him for a good month. But, when all was said and done I got so much done on the inside and out - when I cleaned house on the inside, great things began happening on the outside.
Yeah - I wanted him to PAY, I wanted him to FAIL, I wanted him to feel every morsel of hurt he sent my way, there were times I was so hurt I felt like I would die from the pain - and I wanted him to experience every bloody beat from my demolished and bulldozed heart...but to be honest, I was most angry at me, and needed to throw ever fiber of myself into working through the anger to forgive myself. This was my salvation.
In regards to a universal justice - don't you worry...he will get what is coming to him. I can't remember who said it (maybe taz?) but someone said the worst punishment for an A is for you to get a life and move on, for you to get to a place where you just don't care what's going on, whether or not he's reading this, what he thinks a "friend" is, or whether or not he eats tofu (random thought)...you simply won't care.
((((MTB))))
You'll get there - do the work on you, reap the rewards.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 596
MTBChick,
You said your FRIEND was the OTHER WOMAN?????? And your upset because your ex can't/won't be your FRIEND?????
I have come to the realization that I can be selfish. So I have to remind myself how valuable my friends are to me, and show them how much I care. It's a conscious thing that I try to do because on a day to day basis, I have been spending way too much time thinking about me and my AH's drinking. And my friends have stuck with me through all my bitching about his drinking. What troopers.
It's taken me years to be able to discern the difference between an acquaintence, a casual friend and a true friend. I had a "casual friend" try to hit on my AH the night before our wedding. True friends would never ever do that.
You said that you're worried that you don't know how to be a good friend. Good friends are invaluable. It takes work. It takes reminding yourself of how much they mean to you and letting them know that. So, when you start making friends with someone, decide if they are worth your loyalty. Decide if they are going to be true friends. And if they are, then keep your appts. Make time for that person, you know the rest.
But don't waste your time on someone who would screw you like your last "friend" did. I don't buy it for a minute that things like that just happen. I would never, ever, ever in a million years get involved with the husband of one of my friends. Absolutely would never be an option. As for your AH, his friend is the bottle. Your last friend was/is duped if she believed he thought she was a great friend. She listened to him bitch about you most likely. You know how alcoholics deal with resentment. They are always fuming about something inside. She wasn't his friend and he most certainly won't be hers either. I don't think either of them know how to be a friend, and will definitely not be friends for very long.
Remember, his friend is the bottle. Don't take it personally. Have you considered moving back to Baltimore? Is that something you'd like to do?
You said your FRIEND was the OTHER WOMAN?????? And your upset because your ex can't/won't be your FRIEND?????
I have come to the realization that I can be selfish. So I have to remind myself how valuable my friends are to me, and show them how much I care. It's a conscious thing that I try to do because on a day to day basis, I have been spending way too much time thinking about me and my AH's drinking. And my friends have stuck with me through all my bitching about his drinking. What troopers.
It's taken me years to be able to discern the difference between an acquaintence, a casual friend and a true friend. I had a "casual friend" try to hit on my AH the night before our wedding. True friends would never ever do that.
You said that you're worried that you don't know how to be a good friend. Good friends are invaluable. It takes work. It takes reminding yourself of how much they mean to you and letting them know that. So, when you start making friends with someone, decide if they are worth your loyalty. Decide if they are going to be true friends. And if they are, then keep your appts. Make time for that person, you know the rest.
But don't waste your time on someone who would screw you like your last "friend" did. I don't buy it for a minute that things like that just happen. I would never, ever, ever in a million years get involved with the husband of one of my friends. Absolutely would never be an option. As for your AH, his friend is the bottle. Your last friend was/is duped if she believed he thought she was a great friend. She listened to him bitch about you most likely. You know how alcoholics deal with resentment. They are always fuming about something inside. She wasn't his friend and he most certainly won't be hers either. I don't think either of them know how to be a friend, and will definitely not be friends for very long.
Remember, his friend is the bottle. Don't take it personally. Have you considered moving back to Baltimore? Is that something you'd like to do?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Originally Posted by Wascally Wabbit 
Yes. It's a stage we go through. After the denial stage.
It's something I have to deal with too. I have had some things done by my ex that could affect me literally, for the rest of my life. I want to hate him. I just don't let myself. I would be CRAZY mad and breaking my belongings won't cause him to suffer one little bit! I would be the one suffering the most.
Try to let go. I know it's hard, but it's esential if we want to grow, get well, and recover from all they have done to us.
It's something I have to deal with too. I have had some things done by my ex that could affect me literally, for the rest of my life. I want to hate him. I just don't let myself. I would be CRAZY mad and breaking my belongings won't cause him to suffer one little bit! I would be the one suffering the most.
Try to let go. I know it's hard, but it's esential if we want to grow, get well, and recover from all they have done to us.
Sorry you are hurting.
My doctor told me he was very happy to see I finally did get angry; he said it was a sign of improving health. In fact, I think that might have been the time I STOPPED taking anti-depressants. I am not a "fighter" by nature and I was a bit surprised when doctor said this, but I am starting to understand.
I try to remind myself to be angry at the circumstances, and not make it about blaming personalities (including myself!).
It really does seem to be a process.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: To the East
Posts: 81
You've got to be kidding!! of COURSE - this was me for the past few years and the anger DOES pop back in once in a while, this is the last stage of this awfulness we go through, I think after you get to the other side of this anger, you'll feel the peace that has just happened to me, you'll move, walk away, get a divorce, cancel the cell phone, change email address, whatever, you'll do it, you sound ready. sometimes anger can be a motivator, I used it recently to have a yard sale and sell most of the crap he bought me over the past few years, I chucked a few things out, I cleaned my closets, I looked at condos, I USED IT to motivate me and boy does it help, once you focus on you and stop letting this other person destroy you, you feel so relieved, it is amazing.. I pray so hard for you and what you are going through, I identify with you so much, take care of yourself, keep letting us know how you are feeling, dont let the destroyer win, L
Live, Laugh, Love
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
I totally agree, anger came for me after the sadness, which is for me right now! It almost seems easier to go on day to day with a little anger because i've been so willing to forgive and forget and then i remind myself of what my exabf did. And i know people forgive but i'm not even close and you know what, that's ok. Everyone is different and some people take longer than others but for me, he stripped me of so much that i'm NOT ok with things right now and i don't feel bad for that
I would just not go ranting to him, the more attention you give him, the more fuel you add to his fire and he's probably sitting back saying that he's got you right where he wants you and that even negative attention is attention. The best thing for you to do IMO is to just ignore him and his situation. Trust me that i do believe that me not calling, texting, emailing my ex has probably hurt him more than responding at all
As someone told me a few weeks ago, we will meet a great guy someday "our picker is just a little off right now"
I would just not go ranting to him, the more attention you give him, the more fuel you add to his fire and he's probably sitting back saying that he's got you right where he wants you and that even negative attention is attention. The best thing for you to do IMO is to just ignore him and his situation. Trust me that i do believe that me not calling, texting, emailing my ex has probably hurt him more than responding at all
As someone told me a few weeks ago, we will meet a great guy someday "our picker is just a little off right now" Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Out on a MTB trail somewhere
Posts: 202
She and I became friends from everything that happened with the A. She never knew he had a girlfriend if she had she would never had dated him. She is a great person and a great friend I don't want her to be talked bad about because its not her fault my ex cheated and she did nothing to me because she honestly never knew I even exsisted. Oh and I was never married to him he was just a boyfriend. Hbb, I don't have any contact with him out side of the contact that we had last month. I don't plan to make any contact with him. And as for other "guys" there is one I am currently slowly getting to know. But b/c he quite possibly reads this I am no longer going to post directly relating to my frustrations with everything that has happened. I will continue to post in any way that I can that will offer E,S,& H to others.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 157
Originally Posted by hbb
Yes MTB, I do too wish my exabf would move to another COUNTRY.....but no, he lives a couple of miles away and works in my home town....it's great but you know what, they WILL feel what we feel. May not be today, tomorrow or next week but believe that what goes around comes around Karma!! It's real!!
but you know what, they WILL feel what we feel. May not be today, tomorrow or next week but believe that what goes around comes around Karma!! It's real!!hbb is so right. Karma is real. I felt the same way at one time in my life. Like I actually wanted to person deaD! Don't forget that GOD JUDGES FAIRLY. And i kept reminding myself of that.
The only crappy thing about karma though is that you don't get to SEE exactly what happends to the other person. but just know that they are getting it BACK. And trust in that. let it give u peace of mind.
But .....if your really lucky, u get to hear about it.....
My first boyfriend/my first EVERYTHING treated my like crap. womanized me (your typical messed up relationship) So bad that I had to go to counciling when it was all said and done (I finally left him coz it was that bad) Then a year later he calls and tells me about his life and how ****** it went. All I could do was LAUGH in my head as he explain his life.........as I didn't give a sh!t anymore. And girl, let me tell u, IT FELT SO GOOD !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I actually had a VICTORY PARTY for myself!!!!!!!!!! Because I bit that bullet and got over the addiction of that man, BY MY SELF! hahahaah oh man. when ever i think about his sorry ass and how bad he is hurting now... i smile (i know that sounds crule.. but KARMA IS CONROLING NOW, NOW ME!!)
And he still calls to this day. (HAHAHAH!!!)
Trust me, MTBChick. YOU WILL GET YOUR DAY OF VICTORY TO WHO EVER IS CAUSING U THAT PAIN RIGHT NOW!!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 157
Actually I was raging on sunday. I didnt know why it was so hardcore. Well i guess i know why, a build up of things, and noone to talk to.
Remember those cartoons when you would see smoke steaming from a guy's ears as his face turned beet red? YUP! that was me!
You just feel so out of control... and the only thing that might ease it is if you smash some glass object (or any object), or hurt your self -just to redirect your thinking....
Remember those cartoons when you would see smoke steaming from a guy's ears as his face turned beet red? YUP! that was me!
You just feel so out of control... and the only thing that might ease it is if you smash some glass object (or any object), or hurt your self -just to redirect your thinking....
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