A big day
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Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 471
A big day
Today was a really big day for my daughter.
XAH spoiled her rotten, and when he left, he left her flat. As is predictable with an alcoholic/drug abuser, he's had less and less contact with the kids, and more and more excuses. Last weekend he gave a lame excuse for not seeing the kids, and he's going away golfing next weekend. He told the kids he'd take them to dinner tonight.
He did come, and did take them....for one hour. He lives 15 minutes away, and is out of work at 2:30. One hour in two weeks.
A lot of you might remember I have been so worried about how my kids would handle their dad's absence and excuses. Today I got a wonderful answer from my daughter.
She gets it.
After XAH dropped the kids off, my daughter Julie and I took the dogs for a walk. During the walk, Julie told me how she feels dad says things she wants to hear, but doesn't really mean what he says. She says she feels bad for him because he doesn't remember a lot of what he promises, but she knows it's because of the alcohol and drugs, and that gets her mad. She admitted that, while she'll always love him, she doesn't feel like he's really dad any more. And she hopes someday he'll realize the mistakes he's made and turn himself around.
I praised her for her insight, but told her to try and remember that her dad truly believes what he says when he says it, that his disease prevents him from doing what he says he will. I also reminded her to enjoy dad when she sees him, but not to depend on him. And I talked to her about hitting bottom, and how dad would only change if and when he was ready. At the end of our conversation she asked if it was okay to discuss her dads addictions with her best friend. This is a major step, as Julie never wanted anyone to know. As her friend's mom knows the whole story, I encouraged Julie to talk with her friend about her feelings. (Her friend's parents are also split under similar circumstances.)
I feel like a giant weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I know now that she'll be okay, that she understands at her level, and that, while it still hurts, she's learning to detach.
As for my son, he's older and, as XAH wasn't especially nice to him, he's used to expecting nothing from his dad, so he has been living in a detached state for years.
The highlight for me? After we talked, Julie looked at me and said "It really doesn't matter how messed up Dad is. I can always depend on you."
Talk about winning the lottery!!!!
XAH spoiled her rotten, and when he left, he left her flat. As is predictable with an alcoholic/drug abuser, he's had less and less contact with the kids, and more and more excuses. Last weekend he gave a lame excuse for not seeing the kids, and he's going away golfing next weekend. He told the kids he'd take them to dinner tonight.
He did come, and did take them....for one hour. He lives 15 minutes away, and is out of work at 2:30. One hour in two weeks.
A lot of you might remember I have been so worried about how my kids would handle their dad's absence and excuses. Today I got a wonderful answer from my daughter.
She gets it.
After XAH dropped the kids off, my daughter Julie and I took the dogs for a walk. During the walk, Julie told me how she feels dad says things she wants to hear, but doesn't really mean what he says. She says she feels bad for him because he doesn't remember a lot of what he promises, but she knows it's because of the alcohol and drugs, and that gets her mad. She admitted that, while she'll always love him, she doesn't feel like he's really dad any more. And she hopes someday he'll realize the mistakes he's made and turn himself around.
I praised her for her insight, but told her to try and remember that her dad truly believes what he says when he says it, that his disease prevents him from doing what he says he will. I also reminded her to enjoy dad when she sees him, but not to depend on him. And I talked to her about hitting bottom, and how dad would only change if and when he was ready. At the end of our conversation she asked if it was okay to discuss her dads addictions with her best friend. This is a major step, as Julie never wanted anyone to know. As her friend's mom knows the whole story, I encouraged Julie to talk with her friend about her feelings. (Her friend's parents are also split under similar circumstances.)
I feel like a giant weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I know now that she'll be okay, that she understands at her level, and that, while it still hurts, she's learning to detach.
As for my son, he's older and, as XAH wasn't especially nice to him, he's used to expecting nothing from his dad, so he has been living in a detached state for years.
The highlight for me? After we talked, Julie looked at me and said "It really doesn't matter how messed up Dad is. I can always depend on you."
Talk about winning the lottery!!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
She admitted that, while she'll always love him, she doesn't feel like he's really dad any more.
Your daughter sounds like a gem.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Johnstown PA
Posts: 8
The highlight for me? After we talked, Julie looked at me and said "It really doesn't matter how messed up Dad is. I can always depend on you."
Talk about winning the lottery!!!!
Wow, mom! I'll bet that was a great thing to hear. I am so glad your kids know they can count on you no matter what. It's so important, especially when living with an A.
Talk about winning the lottery!!!!
Wow, mom! I'll bet that was a great thing to hear. I am so glad your kids know they can count on you no matter what. It's so important, especially when living with an A.
:
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 221
Your daughter is one smart cookie; I am so glad she is beginning to understand that her father's actions have nothing to do with her but everything to do with his lack of love for himself.
It struck me when I read this "As is predictable with an alcoholic/drug abuser, he's had less and less contact with the kids"... I have a 2 1/2 year old angel and she hardly ever sees her father. I know he loves her in his own way, but he is sooooo far from being a consistent father figure--much more of an occasional playmate. He saw K back in June for a week, and now that he has two weeks off from work and is actually in the same town, what does he do? Drink! He's seen her 6 hours over the last eleven days and he is due to go back to work on Sat! I don't understand that mentality, not at all. How can you be in the same town and not see your beloved baby!
What does it say about a person when he prioritizes golf over his children (goes for both our husbands)? ((()))
It struck me when I read this "As is predictable with an alcoholic/drug abuser, he's had less and less contact with the kids"... I have a 2 1/2 year old angel and she hardly ever sees her father. I know he loves her in his own way, but he is sooooo far from being a consistent father figure--much more of an occasional playmate. He saw K back in June for a week, and now that he has two weeks off from work and is actually in the same town, what does he do? Drink! He's seen her 6 hours over the last eleven days and he is due to go back to work on Sat! I don't understand that mentality, not at all. How can you be in the same town and not see your beloved baby!
What does it say about a person when he prioritizes golf over his children (goes for both our husbands)? ((()))
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