I need help with a letter....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Posts: 261
I need help with a letter....
So my AH is a classic. Done everything under the sun. I have done it all too to try to save him and I cant.
Had a professional intervention, had him arrested, took him to rehab, called AA on him to get him fixed (that was really a clue of my insanity)
He lost his job only to get it back with promises and lies. I cut his charge card up only to get him another one.
Now, my pastor, counselor and friends are telling me to do "the letter" and have him leave while I am gone on a trip with my job Aug 12th. for a week.
I have to do this but he has me by a guilt grip. I am a faithful member of Al-anon, have a sponsor but just cant get the balls to move on.....
I need to know from you guys, any of you who have gone through this and what you may have said in that letter to get him out of the house.
The accusations of me being with other men and name calling and screaming at day after day is totally wearing on me. I must do this but first have to grow a set of balls I guess.
Any thoughts???
Missy xo
Had a professional intervention, had him arrested, took him to rehab, called AA on him to get him fixed (that was really a clue of my insanity)
He lost his job only to get it back with promises and lies. I cut his charge card up only to get him another one.
Now, my pastor, counselor and friends are telling me to do "the letter" and have him leave while I am gone on a trip with my job Aug 12th. for a week.
I have to do this but he has me by a guilt grip. I am a faithful member of Al-anon, have a sponsor but just cant get the balls to move on.....
I need to know from you guys, any of you who have gone through this and what you may have said in that letter to get him out of the house.
The accusations of me being with other men and name calling and screaming at day after day is totally wearing on me. I must do this but first have to grow a set of balls I guess.
Any thoughts???
Missy xo
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Its not easy to do any of the things we have to do. Keep thinking strong thoughts and you will find the words.
I was the one who moved out so the letter I left himj was a bit different in nature, explaining why I came to the decision and laying out reality as I saw it.
My advice is give yourself a few days to think and write. Figure out what you need to say not what you think he needs to hear.
Do you think he is likely to leave while you are gone? Do you trust him not to take your "stuff" or to leave the place in good condition? Personally I think I would want to be at least in the area to protect my interests.
I was the one who moved out so the letter I left himj was a bit different in nature, explaining why I came to the decision and laying out reality as I saw it.
My advice is give yourself a few days to think and write. Figure out what you need to say not what you think he needs to hear.
Do you think he is likely to leave while you are gone? Do you trust him not to take your "stuff" or to leave the place in good condition? Personally I think I would want to be at least in the area to protect my interests.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Posts: 261
I think he would leave because he would be afraid I would call the police if he isnt gone and then he will think for some reason he would be in jail.
I dont care what he takes. It is only stuff and that can be replaced. I have my cat which would be hard to take anywhere.
I dont want a divorce...but I would separare from him.
I dont know... I'm so messed up with this. I left my first husband for less than what this husband is doing and for some reason this seems a harder task.
Why do we repeat our mistakes???? man are we insane or what??
missy xo
I dont care what he takes. It is only stuff and that can be replaced. I have my cat which would be hard to take anywhere.
I dont want a divorce...but I would separare from him.
I dont know... I'm so messed up with this. I left my first husband for less than what this husband is doing and for some reason this seems a harder task.
Why do we repeat our mistakes???? man are we insane or what??
missy xo
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
(((missy))) It probably IS harder, because of what happens while living in the disease. I know for me, I got pretty beaten down by alcoholism, which made me depressed; coupled with a sense of failure, it was harder to get up the energy to do anything.
I've been through this - though I am the one still in the house. I have learned over the last year and a half not to assume I know what AH is thinking or will do. At times, I've learned it the very, very hard way.
Take care and be kind to yourself.
I've been through this - though I am the one still in the house. I have learned over the last year and a half not to assume I know what AH is thinking or will do. At times, I've learned it the very, very hard way.
Take care and be kind to yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Posts: 261
Of course I am concerned what he will do next. But then again being home I never know his next step either. I know I need to do what I have to do but the followthrough is iffy!
I know I am contributing to his sucide by not doing nothing..... I have to get rid of that guilt and the vows that I had made in sickenss.... etc.
missy xo
I know I am contributing to his sucide by not doing nothing..... I have to get rid of that guilt and the vows that I had made in sickenss.... etc.
missy xo
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by Missy 
I know I am contributing to his sucide by not doing nothing..... I have to get rid of that guilt and the vows that I had made in sickenss.... etc.
missy xo
missy xo
Missy, I understand this fear. I very much wish I had taken action sooner in the relationship. That is hindsight, but I always hope someone else can benefit from my experience and not have to go through it themselves.
A month ago stbxAH was diagnosed with a mass on his pancreas. Not good. Though I don't feel responsible, I do wonder sometimes if things may have improved if I got out of the way earlier. I did enable him - and part of that was sticking around hoping things would get better. Today I would suggest looking at what it mean "in sickness and in health." Does it mean sticking around and watching them die, or does it mean doing what may be best for their sickness (and mine) - getting out of the way?
((()))
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
(((missy)))
I am so sorry to hear you are going through all of this. I remember how totally draining it was, all the drama and the thoughts of what might happen.
I would urge you to consider what Denny first posted about your husband's rights. It would be awful to go through the pain of writing the letter, the expectation that he would be gone whilst you were away, yet to come back to the same situation. It might be worth taking some legal advice.
I know it's so much easier for me to see things now that I am a long time gone. My ex left with remarkable ease whilst I was away, but that was because somehow he got into his head that him living elsewhere was a temporary situation. He didn't get that from me, given that I had made up my mind and my actions and words were totally congruent with my thoughts. Whilst he may have left the property easily, he plagued me with constant phone calls, texts, emails, all of which varied from "loving" to raging depending on how much success he thought he was getting. He never threatened suicide, although my counsellor had well prepared me for that eventuality. I can look back now and see that the whole chebang was a means to an end - the maintenance of his current lifestyle. He couldn't deal with another relationship going down the pan, but the other party's identity didn't really matter to him. I have since learned that he did the same with his partner before me and the one after me. It still had me all twisted up inside, believing his words and fearing the worst.
I have just finished a fantastic book - Wasted by Mark Johnson. He was a drug addict, yet what he talks about in terms of feelings and subsequent actions seems so familiar to those of alcoholics. Despite many caring and kind-hearted people, he didn't hit bottom until the drugs stopped working and he also found himself with no safety net in the form of family or friends. Now, this may be a simple chemical thing, however I have a hunch that it was also the delicate balance between his circumstances and his "medication". Perhaps sometimes the two need to go hand in hand and we just need to get out of the way, for their sake as well as ours.
I am so sorry to hear you are going through all of this. I remember how totally draining it was, all the drama and the thoughts of what might happen.
I would urge you to consider what Denny first posted about your husband's rights. It would be awful to go through the pain of writing the letter, the expectation that he would be gone whilst you were away, yet to come back to the same situation. It might be worth taking some legal advice.
I know it's so much easier for me to see things now that I am a long time gone. My ex left with remarkable ease whilst I was away, but that was because somehow he got into his head that him living elsewhere was a temporary situation. He didn't get that from me, given that I had made up my mind and my actions and words were totally congruent with my thoughts. Whilst he may have left the property easily, he plagued me with constant phone calls, texts, emails, all of which varied from "loving" to raging depending on how much success he thought he was getting. He never threatened suicide, although my counsellor had well prepared me for that eventuality. I can look back now and see that the whole chebang was a means to an end - the maintenance of his current lifestyle. He couldn't deal with another relationship going down the pan, but the other party's identity didn't really matter to him. I have since learned that he did the same with his partner before me and the one after me. It still had me all twisted up inside, believing his words and fearing the worst.
I have just finished a fantastic book - Wasted by Mark Johnson. He was a drug addict, yet what he talks about in terms of feelings and subsequent actions seems so familiar to those of alcoholics. Despite many caring and kind-hearted people, he didn't hit bottom until the drugs stopped working and he also found himself with no safety net in the form of family or friends. Now, this may be a simple chemical thing, however I have a hunch that it was also the delicate balance between his circumstances and his "medication". Perhaps sometimes the two need to go hand in hand and we just need to get out of the way, for their sake as well as ours.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Maybe I missed it, but what is going to be in this letter?
I would hesitate to write a letter containing what I am sure will not be pleasant, then leave town. He might trash your place, or burn it down.
I would hesitate to write a letter containing what I am sure will not be pleasant, then leave town. He might trash your place, or burn it down.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 178
A letter wouldn't work with my AH. No way. As far as he's concerned this is his house and if I don't like it there's the door. All hell would break lose for me in that scenario. I would have to be well prepared to deal with his reaction.
But I know what you mean about finding it hard to take action.
Part of what is so hard for me is dealing with AH when he's sober. He's a binge drinker. Some weeks 6 out of 7 days, sometimes only 1 bad day that week. He's gone for a month at a time without a serious episode when he only drinks maybe one or two beers a day.
Then I have a hard time taking any action at all. When he's out of the house, at the bar, off on a drunk fishing trip with his buddies or something like that I can pack boxes, move boxes to storage, make phone calls to friends, clean the house like crazy or even attend my first Al Anon meeting like the other night. When I'm not too tired I don't have a problem leaving when he's home ranting and raging I'll take off for awhile when I can't take it anymore until I think he's passed out.
For some reason when he's sober and at home I freeze. It's like my life is on hold or something. I'm struggling with this to understand myself and get past it. I don't know if it's fear to change or if it's denial that we're finished, or just being so tired and taking a break or some unhealthy survival instinct until I'm ready to deal with the final curtain coming down. One day at a time I guess.
But I know what you mean about finding it hard to take action.
Part of what is so hard for me is dealing with AH when he's sober. He's a binge drinker. Some weeks 6 out of 7 days, sometimes only 1 bad day that week. He's gone for a month at a time without a serious episode when he only drinks maybe one or two beers a day.
Then I have a hard time taking any action at all. When he's out of the house, at the bar, off on a drunk fishing trip with his buddies or something like that I can pack boxes, move boxes to storage, make phone calls to friends, clean the house like crazy or even attend my first Al Anon meeting like the other night. When I'm not too tired I don't have a problem leaving when he's home ranting and raging I'll take off for awhile when I can't take it anymore until I think he's passed out.
For some reason when he's sober and at home I freeze. It's like my life is on hold or something. I'm struggling with this to understand myself and get past it. I don't know if it's fear to change or if it's denial that we're finished, or just being so tired and taking a break or some unhealthy survival instinct until I'm ready to deal with the final curtain coming down. One day at a time I guess.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Guilt is for someone who has done something wrong.
I say the heck with the letter. You leave or tell him to leave, which he might not.
Then you have to get legal on him.
Handle through an attorney if you can and take a stand.
I say the heck with the letter. You leave or tell him to leave, which he might not.
Then you have to get legal on him.
Handle through an attorney if you can and take a stand.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Posts: 261
Me too Lady Blue....
I freeze where I am when he is bad and accusing me....
Here is what I came up with.!
All I need now is the ba@#$ to do it!
____________________________________________
Jim,
I’ve had enough. In fact I think we both have had enough.
I have total loss of the hopes I had with you being in recovery.
I did not choose to be with you to spend the rest of my life cleaning up the messes of living with an active alcoholic.
You came back twice before with promises never kept. The line has been crossed.
I’ve tried the ultimate of intervention, arrest and hospitalization and none of these have worked. I am exhausted.
You are not my responsibility. You made your own choices and the biggest one is not to recover from your drinking. I am not responsible for your relapses.
I am not reacting anymore to the actions when you are drinking. I will not beat myself up anymore over which I have no control over.
I cant live with the devil on my shoulder anymore. The spouts of horrible things when you have been drinking.
I find it hard to believe I hold that much power for you to think I alone have caused you be who you are today. I have no control over your choices.
I am holding you accountable for your verbal language and accusations upon me. . Today I will not be controlled anymore by actions. Badgering me in the verbal way you do, so saddens and disgusts me and shows that you cannot see me as anything but an object for your own purpose. I’ve had enough!
While I am gone, this time will give you freedom to find someplace to stay. You will not be here when I return from training.
With extensive recovery if you choose, there may be hope for us. But not for a long time. I do not want to hear from you. I am finished until proven alcohol recovery is your new lifestyle. I am working on my own recovery.
I love you but not the drinking and what that alone is doing to you. Wishing you serenity.
I freeze where I am when he is bad and accusing me....
Here is what I came up with.!
All I need now is the ba@#$ to do it!
____________________________________________
Jim,
I’ve had enough. In fact I think we both have had enough.
I have total loss of the hopes I had with you being in recovery.
I did not choose to be with you to spend the rest of my life cleaning up the messes of living with an active alcoholic.
You came back twice before with promises never kept. The line has been crossed.
I’ve tried the ultimate of intervention, arrest and hospitalization and none of these have worked. I am exhausted.
You are not my responsibility. You made your own choices and the biggest one is not to recover from your drinking. I am not responsible for your relapses.
I am not reacting anymore to the actions when you are drinking. I will not beat myself up anymore over which I have no control over.
I cant live with the devil on my shoulder anymore. The spouts of horrible things when you have been drinking.
I find it hard to believe I hold that much power for you to think I alone have caused you be who you are today. I have no control over your choices.
I am holding you accountable for your verbal language and accusations upon me. . Today I will not be controlled anymore by actions. Badgering me in the verbal way you do, so saddens and disgusts me and shows that you cannot see me as anything but an object for your own purpose. I’ve had enough!
While I am gone, this time will give you freedom to find someplace to stay. You will not be here when I return from training.
With extensive recovery if you choose, there may be hope for us. But not for a long time. I do not want to hear from you. I am finished until proven alcohol recovery is your new lifestyle. I am working on my own recovery.
I love you but not the drinking and what that alone is doing to you. Wishing you serenity.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Missy,
While you are gone do you think he will:
A) Do as you suggested and find a place, and move out without causing a scene?
B) Do Nothing and wait for you to come back? or
c) Cause a lot of troble while you are gone such as trash your place, etc?
Honestly, what do you think the chances are of A happening?
I really don't understand the letter. I do not believe A will happen. The absolute BEST you can hope for in that case is that he chooses route B - nothing, in which case you'll be exactly where you are right now.
You are giving him too much ability to control events when you will be gone.
I do not have an answer, but I think this course of action is nuts. I hope I am wrong.
While you are gone do you think he will:
A) Do as you suggested and find a place, and move out without causing a scene?
B) Do Nothing and wait for you to come back? or
c) Cause a lot of troble while you are gone such as trash your place, etc?
Honestly, what do you think the chances are of A happening?
I really don't understand the letter. I do not believe A will happen. The absolute BEST you can hope for in that case is that he chooses route B - nothing, in which case you'll be exactly where you are right now.
You are giving him too much ability to control events when you will be gone.
I do not have an answer, but I think this course of action is nuts. I hope I am wrong.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Posts: 261
I guess I'm just thinking about not having to face the tantrum I expect will follow.
I think he may be there when I get back......and then I will need a Plan "B" in place.
Maybe this is more than I can handle right now.. Maybe talking to him and giving him a date verbally will do? or offering to move myself. It's only a house and we dont have children. only a cat so what is the holdup??
Now I'm feeling my own insanity is starting to control my ways.
I just know no matter what, he will freak with me gone wondering what I am up to.
So he will drink, drink and drink some more and bother all the neighbors...
He soooooo thinks I have someone out there which is nuts in itself.
missy xo
I think he may be there when I get back......and then I will need a Plan "B" in place.
Maybe this is more than I can handle right now.. Maybe talking to him and giving him a date verbally will do? or offering to move myself. It's only a house and we dont have children. only a cat so what is the holdup??
Now I'm feeling my own insanity is starting to control my ways.
I just know no matter what, he will freak with me gone wondering what I am up to.
So he will drink, drink and drink some more and bother all the neighbors...
He soooooo thinks I have someone out there which is nuts in itself.
missy xo
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by Missy
I just know no matter what, he will freak with me gone wondering what I am up to.
So he will drink, drink and drink some more and bother all the neighbors...
He soooooo thinks I have someone out there which is nuts in itself.
So he will drink, drink and drink some more and bother all the neighbors...
He soooooo thinks I have someone out there which is nuts in itself.
When I make choices (or decide to do nothing--also a choice) based on my expectations of another's reactions, or based on what they may think of my choice, I rarely make the best choice for me. Try to get clear on what you are going to do FOR YOU, and not get distracted by what you think you might be doing TO HIM.
I hope you find the peace and clarity you seek.
L
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