I have prolonged this long enough
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 174
I have prolonged this long enough
I posted about my bil a while back and said I was going to post about my ah but never did. But even though I am the Queen of Procrastination I can't put it off any more. I wasn't sure exactly where to start but I'll do it from the beginning. I should also mention that I am ADD and have a tremendous amount of my own faults and quirks. I have been this way since childhood so I
Before I had started dating ah, I was dating another guy that I was in love with but we were broken up when ah and I began dating. But I continued to talk to my ex for quite some time as he was my best friend. And yes I admit it I still had feelings. Ah was a drinker before we started dating. Well I had the typical "he'll change" and "I can change him" attitudes. But obviously I was a bit naive on that one. He was also a bit controling from the beginning. But I am a stubborn gal and fought it tooth and nail. We became engaged 11 months into our relationship. He knew that I was having doubts about staying in the relationship a few months later but began telling me that "he couldn't live with out me" and that kind of stuff. I was naive and thought I was saving him so I stayed. So he was put on antidepressants and it helped some. But he continued to drink. So much so that that he did many a stupid drunk thing like park his truck in the creek.
We started our marriage with him drunk. On our honeymoon we had a long talk about who all we had dated and been with. Well that was a big mistake. He likes to throw people up in my face and claims I cheated on him with these people though it was before we were together. Dumb and impossible, I know, but his attempt at some manipulation. When we found out I was pregnant he claimed he wanted to quit drinking. Well that didn't happen for the first time until he crashed our son's 1st bday party as the only drunk. But he quit a day or so later for the first time. But his relapse always happens the same way. We will be out to eat and he will decide to have a beer. Then will claim that he won't drink other than a beer when he is eating out. Then its only on the week ends. Then eventually its back to every day.
He wrecked his truck in a drunken stuper when I was 5 months pregnant with our daughter. That was 2005. He quit again for a while. Now we are in 2007 and he started again a while ago with the whole cycle. My son who is 5 will tell you that he wants to drink beer like his daddy when he is older. All I can say to him is "no I'm your mommy and I'll beat your hiney if I ever catch you even if you are 21." Not the best answer but all I could think of since I refuse to use his dad as an example and say bad things about him to his son.
Like I said before, I am ADD with the typical symptoms. I'm not hyper active, but my attention is not where it should be. Nor are my organizational skills. My house is a complete mess. I try, I do. But I don't have the coping skills yet to do it and keep it that way. Ah thinks I should just tape myself in a room and clean it till it's done. Even if I did do that there are still a million distractions in that one room for me. I wish I could do it all and do it well but I can't. Ah then goes on to berate me and call me all kinds of names in front of my kids and sometimes others. I basically a lazy good for nothing with a few other choice words. He also will tell our son that I don't like him (referring to himself) or I don't like bil. I know it's just him being manipulative, but I feel completely stuck.
I also admit that I have misused credit cards but am trying to get them repaid. If I leave I will have to go back to work full time and my job doesn't make enough to support me and the kids. My ah has also said that he will fight for full custody of the kids since I am a horrible house keeper. I also can't stomach leaving and him having visitations where he will be drinking and I'm not around. If he started dating someone else I'm not sure how I would feel.
But his drinking has gotten to the point that it is affecting my health. I needed support the day I had an ultrasound done to check on a lump. But I was dealing with he and bil drunk. They even got mad when I refused to go for beer and cigarettes. I told him and he was like "I can never do anything right." Then I was having complications with my asthma and an off heart beat. I was afraid to go to the hospital because I would not have been able to leave him with the kids or drive me if I needed it. I told him this and it went in one ear and right out the other. Again I was told he can never do anything right.His family is of no help as they think their kids can do no wrong. Or his mom will say that now I know what she went through.
Anyways I am babbling now. Thanks for reading this and sorry its so long. It helped just being able to type it out. I admire the lady that said she will no longer be buying her husbands beer. I wish I could do the same, but I do what I can to keep things peaceful for the kids, even if it means I have to take the brunt of it. But I would appreciate any and all comments or thoughts.
Before I had started dating ah, I was dating another guy that I was in love with but we were broken up when ah and I began dating. But I continued to talk to my ex for quite some time as he was my best friend. And yes I admit it I still had feelings. Ah was a drinker before we started dating. Well I had the typical "he'll change" and "I can change him" attitudes. But obviously I was a bit naive on that one. He was also a bit controling from the beginning. But I am a stubborn gal and fought it tooth and nail. We became engaged 11 months into our relationship. He knew that I was having doubts about staying in the relationship a few months later but began telling me that "he couldn't live with out me" and that kind of stuff. I was naive and thought I was saving him so I stayed. So he was put on antidepressants and it helped some. But he continued to drink. So much so that that he did many a stupid drunk thing like park his truck in the creek.
We started our marriage with him drunk. On our honeymoon we had a long talk about who all we had dated and been with. Well that was a big mistake. He likes to throw people up in my face and claims I cheated on him with these people though it was before we were together. Dumb and impossible, I know, but his attempt at some manipulation. When we found out I was pregnant he claimed he wanted to quit drinking. Well that didn't happen for the first time until he crashed our son's 1st bday party as the only drunk. But he quit a day or so later for the first time. But his relapse always happens the same way. We will be out to eat and he will decide to have a beer. Then will claim that he won't drink other than a beer when he is eating out. Then its only on the week ends. Then eventually its back to every day.
He wrecked his truck in a drunken stuper when I was 5 months pregnant with our daughter. That was 2005. He quit again for a while. Now we are in 2007 and he started again a while ago with the whole cycle. My son who is 5 will tell you that he wants to drink beer like his daddy when he is older. All I can say to him is "no I'm your mommy and I'll beat your hiney if I ever catch you even if you are 21." Not the best answer but all I could think of since I refuse to use his dad as an example and say bad things about him to his son.
Like I said before, I am ADD with the typical symptoms. I'm not hyper active, but my attention is not where it should be. Nor are my organizational skills. My house is a complete mess. I try, I do. But I don't have the coping skills yet to do it and keep it that way. Ah thinks I should just tape myself in a room and clean it till it's done. Even if I did do that there are still a million distractions in that one room for me. I wish I could do it all and do it well but I can't. Ah then goes on to berate me and call me all kinds of names in front of my kids and sometimes others. I basically a lazy good for nothing with a few other choice words. He also will tell our son that I don't like him (referring to himself) or I don't like bil. I know it's just him being manipulative, but I feel completely stuck.
I also admit that I have misused credit cards but am trying to get them repaid. If I leave I will have to go back to work full time and my job doesn't make enough to support me and the kids. My ah has also said that he will fight for full custody of the kids since I am a horrible house keeper. I also can't stomach leaving and him having visitations where he will be drinking and I'm not around. If he started dating someone else I'm not sure how I would feel.
But his drinking has gotten to the point that it is affecting my health. I needed support the day I had an ultrasound done to check on a lump. But I was dealing with he and bil drunk. They even got mad when I refused to go for beer and cigarettes. I told him and he was like "I can never do anything right." Then I was having complications with my asthma and an off heart beat. I was afraid to go to the hospital because I would not have been able to leave him with the kids or drive me if I needed it. I told him this and it went in one ear and right out the other. Again I was told he can never do anything right.His family is of no help as they think their kids can do no wrong. Or his mom will say that now I know what she went through.
Anyways I am babbling now. Thanks for reading this and sorry its so long. It helped just being able to type it out. I admire the lady that said she will no longer be buying her husbands beer. I wish I could do the same, but I do what I can to keep things peaceful for the kids, even if it means I have to take the brunt of it. But I would appreciate any and all comments or thoughts.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Putting it all out does help.
Your husband is just doing what people with addictions do, berate, threaten and demean. It is their mantra, keeps the focus off of themselves.
Perhaps you are overwhelmed by the maganatude of cleaning your house, have you tried breaking down the chores into small segements? Rather than tackling a room, try to tackle one project within the room, complete it and move onto the next one, small steps.
If you move out, and,get a job he will still have to send support for his children so that will be of help to you. He is quacking about custody, he is too selfish to want the children with him 24/7...this is an emotional ploy, leave it at that.
When you have reached your bottom,you will stand up and say "Enough" when you do that you will start formulating a plan to leave all the chaos behind. Until then, it will be more of the same, over and over again.
Your husband is just doing what people with addictions do, berate, threaten and demean. It is their mantra, keeps the focus off of themselves.
Perhaps you are overwhelmed by the maganatude of cleaning your house, have you tried breaking down the chores into small segements? Rather than tackling a room, try to tackle one project within the room, complete it and move onto the next one, small steps.
If you move out, and,get a job he will still have to send support for his children so that will be of help to you. He is quacking about custody, he is too selfish to want the children with him 24/7...this is an emotional ploy, leave it at that.
When you have reached your bottom,you will stand up and say "Enough" when you do that you will start formulating a plan to leave all the chaos behind. Until then, it will be more of the same, over and over again.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Hi,Wish...glad you are here!
I can ID with so much of what you said: I have ADD,too with the problems with clutter,etc and the house and also got to the point of asthma and irreg. heartbeat problems. (My kids did/do,too. Son had severe ADHD and heart surgery and daughter asthma..........they are doing better now that AH moved out). My ADD doctor tells me that the stress of living with an alcoholic causes or exasserbatesmany of these things,as well as depression, and it seems to be true. I can relate to how this plays into the whole dynamics of your situation.
Hope you stick around and post,etc. It has really helped me so much and it is also a place to come to "shift gears" and get my thinking back to a calmer place.
I can ID with so much of what you said: I have ADD,too with the problems with clutter,etc and the house and also got to the point of asthma and irreg. heartbeat problems. (My kids did/do,too. Son had severe ADHD and heart surgery and daughter asthma..........they are doing better now that AH moved out). My ADD doctor tells me that the stress of living with an alcoholic causes or exasserbatesmany of these things,as well as depression, and it seems to be true. I can relate to how this plays into the whole dynamics of your situation.
Hope you stick around and post,etc. It has really helped me so much and it is also a place to come to "shift gears" and get my thinking back to a calmer place.
Keepingmyjoy
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 328
I know how hard it is to try to accomplish anything with the chaos the AH's create around you. Just remember that you are doing the best you can and just keep trying to do what you can do and not let him make you feel bad about anything. I know that is not easy, I live with it too. Mine "thinks" our house gets messy (we have young child), but it really isn't. But the way he talks, you would think it is a pig sty! Don't let him get you down the best you can.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 221
Oh, my.
--You son wants to drink beer like daddy when he grows up.
--Your husband would rather drink and smoke than be by your side at the hospital.
--You are belittled and called names in front of your children.
With all due respect, you think this example of "peaceful" family life is benefitial to your kids? To yourself? We all have one life to live--is this it for you? ((()))
--You son wants to drink beer like daddy when he grows up.
--Your husband would rather drink and smoke than be by your side at the hospital.
--You are belittled and called names in front of your children.
With all due respect, you think this example of "peaceful" family life is benefitial to your kids? To yourself? We all have one life to live--is this it for you? ((()))
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 46
Hi Wish:
It would appear to me that if you are working out of the home at a job, and caring for two very small children and an alcoholic husband, then it is very normal for your home to be untidy. Please don't beat yourself up about it.
It would appear to me that if you are working out of the home at a job, and caring for two very small children and an alcoholic husband, then it is very normal for your home to be untidy. Please don't beat yourself up about it.
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