I'm new here
Keepingmyjoy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 328
I'm new here
Hello,
My husband is an alcoholic spiraling out of control.
He embarasses me, calls me names and is verbally
abusive to me when he drinks. He is Dr. Jekyll and
Mr. Hyde. He is a really great person when sober.
Unfortunately, sober is a rarety now.
I am at my wits end. I know that I have been an
enabler up to now. I am facing having to stop some
enabling things and know that he will be very angry
and so will be even harder to deal with. I am looking
for all the support I can get to keep strong through
these changes I need to make.
I did go to alanon, and I did find much of
what they said insightful, but not as helpful as I
would have liked in terms of support when needed. I
am looking for a place that I can quietly share and
learn from others more than once per week at a local
meeting.
Thank you for letting me introduce myself. I am happy to be here.
My husband is an alcoholic spiraling out of control.
He embarasses me, calls me names and is verbally
abusive to me when he drinks. He is Dr. Jekyll and
Mr. Hyde. He is a really great person when sober.
Unfortunately, sober is a rarety now.
I am at my wits end. I know that I have been an
enabler up to now. I am facing having to stop some
enabling things and know that he will be very angry
and so will be even harder to deal with. I am looking
for all the support I can get to keep strong through
these changes I need to make.
I did go to alanon, and I did find much of
what they said insightful, but not as helpful as I
would have liked in terms of support when needed. I
am looking for a place that I can quietly share and
learn from others more than once per week at a local
meeting.
Thank you for letting me introduce myself. I am happy to be here.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Welcome. Sometimes you have to try several mtgs. to find just the one you click with to call your home mtg. If you really work the 12 steps (which seems odd at 1st since we are not the alcoholic) and get a sponsor to help you do that, you will change dramatically in ways you can't even imagine now. Glad you are here, Welcome. You deserve to be joyful and live in peace. Best wishes as you start the journey to figure out how to accomplish that.It sounds like you live with a bully.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Welcome, kmj, I'm glad you've found us and I hope you'll stay awhile. I agree with Spiritual - try more meetings and you'll find your niche in time. I had to try three different meetings before I found my "fit." I'd also suggest you attend some open A.A. meetings where you can get the perspective of A's in recovery. Please take some time to read the stickies at the top of our forum. They're quite informative.
Books I'd suggest you read:
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drews
Under the Influence by James Robert Milam
Any A.A. and Al-Anon literature
If you stop enabling and he becomes angrier, so be it. My AH ("alcoholic husband") used to make a lot of noise and create all sorts of drama. I found my backbone and started leaving the house and developing my own friends and interests. He got angry. But guess what? He never left me. When he realized I wasn't afraid of his noise, he folded like a house of cards. In fact, he didn't know WHAT to do when I refused to get sucked into his arguments and rage. I walked away. I ignored him. I made a life for MYSELF, which included meeting new people and doing new things. It's pretty challenging for a city girl to do that in a really small town, but I'm succeeding.
From my own personal experience with A's ("alcoholics"), I've found that their anger generally is a smoke screen for their fear of losing their enabler. Anger = control = keeping the enabler in his or her place. Jekyll & Hyde is what they do. If you try to figure out why they're doing it, you'll end up as crazy as they are. So don't go there. I never discuss my AH's drinking, make comments about it, or allude to it in any way. When I did that, I was going to be sucked into one of his "wars."
Mine still gets into the name calling thing now and then, but I show no reaction whatsoever. That certainly took the wind out of his sails. It worked for me, but that doesn't mean it will work for everyone. I did discover that when I quit listening to his insane accusations and rants, he shut up.
Keep posting. We're here to support you and listen to what you have to say.
Books I'd suggest you read:
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drews
Under the Influence by James Robert Milam
Any A.A. and Al-Anon literature
If you stop enabling and he becomes angrier, so be it. My AH ("alcoholic husband") used to make a lot of noise and create all sorts of drama. I found my backbone and started leaving the house and developing my own friends and interests. He got angry. But guess what? He never left me. When he realized I wasn't afraid of his noise, he folded like a house of cards. In fact, he didn't know WHAT to do when I refused to get sucked into his arguments and rage. I walked away. I ignored him. I made a life for MYSELF, which included meeting new people and doing new things. It's pretty challenging for a city girl to do that in a really small town, but I'm succeeding.
From my own personal experience with A's ("alcoholics"), I've found that their anger generally is a smoke screen for their fear of losing their enabler. Anger = control = keeping the enabler in his or her place. Jekyll & Hyde is what they do. If you try to figure out why they're doing it, you'll end up as crazy as they are. So don't go there. I never discuss my AH's drinking, make comments about it, or allude to it in any way. When I did that, I was going to be sucked into one of his "wars."
Mine still gets into the name calling thing now and then, but I show no reaction whatsoever. That certainly took the wind out of his sails. It worked for me, but that doesn't mean it will work for everyone. I did discover that when I quit listening to his insane accusations and rants, he shut up.
Keep posting. We're here to support you and listen to what you have to say.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Welcome to SR KMJ!
Since you've mentioned his verbal abuse, and your concern for the possibility of his increasing anger if you stop enabling, I'd like to suggest that you read the stickies at the top of the forum. In particular, click on 'About Abuse'. In there are several links, two of which I recommend you take a look at....'the one on verbal abuse', and the other which is 'DV and chemically involved partners'.
I'm not saying whether these apply to you or not, but, it might be something that could be helpful to you when considering your particular situation. The second one in particular speaks to stopping enabling/detaching and the potential risks that are involved 'if' the person with you is at all of a violent nature. Again, just something to be aware of. Only 'you' know the severity and particulars of your situation.
Keep coming back.
Since you've mentioned his verbal abuse, and your concern for the possibility of his increasing anger if you stop enabling, I'd like to suggest that you read the stickies at the top of the forum. In particular, click on 'About Abuse'. In there are several links, two of which I recommend you take a look at....'the one on verbal abuse', and the other which is 'DV and chemically involved partners'.
I'm not saying whether these apply to you or not, but, it might be something that could be helpful to you when considering your particular situation. The second one in particular speaks to stopping enabling/detaching and the potential risks that are involved 'if' the person with you is at all of a violent nature. Again, just something to be aware of. Only 'you' know the severity and particulars of your situation.
Keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Welcome to SR. Have you read the "Sticky" posts yet? If not, I highly recommend them.
I sure hope you stick around and keep sharing with us - you'll find that here, you will know that you are never alone. Many of us truly understand.
I sure hope you stick around and keep sharing with us - you'll find that here, you will know that you are never alone. Many of us truly understand.
Keepingmyjoy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 328
Thank you all so much for the warm welcome. I will read the stickies. Thankfully, my husband is not violent, but verbally he comes at a person full force. You can't walk away, he follows you. So, I will have to take my very young child with me if I leave, but usually we are asleep when he starts his ranting and raving. He will come into the bedroom yelling and waking us up. Last night he was demanding a divorce and being very nasty. This morning he gets up hands me a cup of coffee and says "What's the matter. You are looking at me like I have a whole in my head"!!!! He doesn't remember! Like I said, life with him is out of control
Forum Leader
Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: trail of discovery
Posts: 2,472
I would like to welcome you to this site. Also would like to say that you are difinately not alone in this. There are lots of us that face or have faced these very things you talk about. There will others along to share with you, but I would like to say that I also have had the same kind of experiences.
The addict in my life is my youngest daughter's father. I still live with him, for the moment, but we are no longer a couple. He behaves much the same way in that he would start his rantings late at night. Walking in and out of the bedroom......then I ignored him. I didn't answer back. Eventually he stop coming into the bedroom and just stayed out in the living area, which is currantly his bedroom...lol
In all seriousness, though, I did however have a few nights where I did pick up and leave for the evening..... if it was late, I stayed at friends or families houses foro the night. Anything to get a decent night's rest so I could function the next day.
I'm sure that right now you are wanting to keep your relationship together, well, that's OK, but you need to take care of you emotionally and physically so that you can have peace and serenity in your life, so that you can take care of your little one.
Might I suggest that you have a tape recorder handy and when he starts in.... turn it on. Replay it back for him the next morning when he is sobered up and let him know just what it is he puts every in the house through when he is drinking. Sometimes they just don't know how much hurt they cause until someone shows them.
The addict in my life is my youngest daughter's father. I still live with him, for the moment, but we are no longer a couple. He behaves much the same way in that he would start his rantings late at night. Walking in and out of the bedroom......then I ignored him. I didn't answer back. Eventually he stop coming into the bedroom and just stayed out in the living area, which is currantly his bedroom...lol
In all seriousness, though, I did however have a few nights where I did pick up and leave for the evening..... if it was late, I stayed at friends or families houses foro the night. Anything to get a decent night's rest so I could function the next day.
I'm sure that right now you are wanting to keep your relationship together, well, that's OK, but you need to take care of you emotionally and physically so that you can have peace and serenity in your life, so that you can take care of your little one.
Might I suggest that you have a tape recorder handy and when he starts in.... turn it on. Replay it back for him the next morning when he is sobered up and let him know just what it is he puts every in the house through when he is drinking. Sometimes they just don't know how much hurt they cause until someone shows them.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 178
I'm glad you're here!
It sounds like you and I have very similiar situation except there are no children involved. I've been with AH for 20 years and now this past year he has become much worse. He too exibits this bullying Jekyll and Hyde behaviour with all the verbal abuse, waking me up at night following me around the house, ranting and raging for hours etc. We've always had control issues with money but now I'm seeing more control issues surface.
He's in total denial and I have to start thinking about myself and working on my own issues. There has been no physical abuse or threats to date toward me, but he has punched a wall on one occasion and broke a cupboard door on another, so I think the potential is there. I don't know what could happen and thats scary enough. This week I programmed numbers in my cell phone for DV centers national and local to have in case of emergency if he should get to that point. Also reading the "abuse" stickies.
In my situation with AH I've decided to try to save money to leave because he is totally irrational anymore and continues to be in denial. I used to try and bring up the subject when he was sober to go to AA and he would just look at me and say I was unsulting him and disrespecting him. Those days are past and it's a dead subject for me with him now.
ICU made a very good point about enabling/detaching and potential risks. I have made myself aware of this.
Ironically enough, since I started posting here and trying to get my mind together (I was a total mess my first post) AH cut back on the beers and pleasant enough. I know it's just a matter of time though before the other shoe falls. I'm using this quiet time to think about my own issues and how this has affected me and what I can do to take care of me.
Know that I feel for you. This is so hard.
It sounds like you and I have very similiar situation except there are no children involved. I've been with AH for 20 years and now this past year he has become much worse. He too exibits this bullying Jekyll and Hyde behaviour with all the verbal abuse, waking me up at night following me around the house, ranting and raging for hours etc. We've always had control issues with money but now I'm seeing more control issues surface.
He's in total denial and I have to start thinking about myself and working on my own issues. There has been no physical abuse or threats to date toward me, but he has punched a wall on one occasion and broke a cupboard door on another, so I think the potential is there. I don't know what could happen and thats scary enough. This week I programmed numbers in my cell phone for DV centers national and local to have in case of emergency if he should get to that point. Also reading the "abuse" stickies.
In my situation with AH I've decided to try to save money to leave because he is totally irrational anymore and continues to be in denial. I used to try and bring up the subject when he was sober to go to AA and he would just look at me and say I was unsulting him and disrespecting him. Those days are past and it's a dead subject for me with him now.
ICU made a very good point about enabling/detaching and potential risks. I have made myself aware of this.
Ironically enough, since I started posting here and trying to get my mind together (I was a total mess my first post) AH cut back on the beers and pleasant enough. I know it's just a matter of time though before the other shoe falls. I'm using this quiet time to think about my own issues and how this has affected me and what I can do to take care of me.
Know that I feel for you. This is so hard.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Wales
Posts: 523
Welcome your in good hands here. I left my axb three weeks ago he was similar to your husband, luckily i did not live with him full time. This forum has people with the same problems as yourself they have helped me move on and still help me. You have come to the best place. Take care
M x
M x
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