another Alcoholic in the neighborhood! EEEK!
Learning to love life...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
another Alcoholic in the neighborhood! EEEK!
Hi guys,
I had to tell you of a funny situation that happened here on my street... Maybe "funny" isn't the word
Since it is a small town, we end up knowing everyone on our dead end street... we know their kids, and where their parents work etc. And just recently, accross the street, our babysitter and her family moved away
. She was a sweet girl... and I haven't found a replacement for her! Anyhow... a few days later, two huge moving trucks came down our way, and a NEW family moved in. I was so excited because this family had two young boys as well; perfect playmates for my guys, as they are all almost the same age! 
. I met the Dad that weekend, as he was moving stuff back and forth... He asked to borrow a broom, and we struck up a conversation. Seemed really nice. I met the mom a few days later; she's nice too.
The NEXT time I saw the Dad, it was a Friday night. He was outside with his boys (age 4 and 2), and he was as drunk as a skunk. It didn't really bother me too much... But I heard thru the grapevine (yup, small town
) that he is an alcoholic. And that did it... From that day on, I couldn't look at this guy in the eyes! Everytime I saw him outside with his boys (He's a stay at home Dad) he had a beer in his hand! I was disgusted! And the worst part is that if I never KNEW that he was an A, I probably would be OK with him...
My husband found out this info BEFORE he actually met the guy, which was good. He was "prepared" when the guy asked him if he wanted a beer. I told my husband about how I felt since I found out this guy was an A, and my husband wasn't too impressed... He said that it was "stereotypical" of me to not like the guy... that he is probably a really great guy "inside". I think he took it very personally.
Anyhow, I felt really bad, and STILL do. I don't WANT to be so uncomfortable around our new neighbor, but I am finding it very difficult.
Anyhow... Thanks for listening!
Meg
I had to tell you of a funny situation that happened here on my street... Maybe "funny" isn't the word
Since it is a small town, we end up knowing everyone on our dead end street... we know their kids, and where their parents work etc. And just recently, accross the street, our babysitter and her family moved away
. She was a sweet girl... and I haven't found a replacement for her! Anyhow... a few days later, two huge moving trucks came down our way, and a NEW family moved in. I was so excited because this family had two young boys as well; perfect playmates for my guys, as they are all almost the same age! . I met the Dad that weekend, as he was moving stuff back and forth... He asked to borrow a broom, and we struck up a conversation. Seemed really nice. I met the mom a few days later; she's nice too.The NEXT time I saw the Dad, it was a Friday night. He was outside with his boys (age 4 and 2), and he was as drunk as a skunk. It didn't really bother me too much... But I heard thru the grapevine (yup, small town
) that he is an alcoholic. And that did it... From that day on, I couldn't look at this guy in the eyes! Everytime I saw him outside with his boys (He's a stay at home Dad) he had a beer in his hand! I was disgusted! And the worst part is that if I never KNEW that he was an A, I probably would be OK with him... My husband found out this info BEFORE he actually met the guy, which was good. He was "prepared" when the guy asked him if he wanted a beer. I told my husband about how I felt since I found out this guy was an A, and my husband wasn't too impressed... He said that it was "stereotypical" of me to not like the guy... that he is probably a really great guy "inside". I think he took it very personally.
Anyhow, I felt really bad, and STILL do. I don't WANT to be so uncomfortable around our new neighbor, but I am finding it very difficult.
Anyhow... Thanks for listening!
Meg
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Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: The Thin Ice
Posts: 96
EmotionalMeg,
If there is anything that I learned in AA is how many people tried the geographical cure for their addictions. They would say I want to start all over again at a new city,state,province,country, and find out that they brought the problem with them. The old cycles would continue until they were willing to seek help.
Think about this 1 second and throw it away if you wish.
What if the roles were a little different. What if the new person who moved in was an A attending meetings and has a program and everything but the other people on the street were practising alkies daily. How would this person feel?
I am stuggling through recovery. My next door neighbour is an addict, another is an alcoholic, another is an alcoholic/addict. My other next door neighbour is a group of teenagers partying all the time. Who knows what all is going on over there. I know they are hitting something a little hard once and a while.
A while back the wife and I decided "We can't live here no more, look what's happening to the neighbourhood." It used to be fairly quiet most of the time.
We decided not to move. BTW the neighbours was not the only reason we wanted to move. Anyway, we stayed in the same place. What if we moved, who is to say that the new neighbours will not be alcoholics or addicts. It is an awful lot of money to find out nothing has changed. Maybe a new location but those practising, using A's can be anywhere.
Maybe your husband will recruit this person into the program some time in the future. Please, don't rush anything though. If everyone knows each other so well on your street, it won't take long for the new guy to find out who drinks and who does not. Maybe, one day new guy will approach your sober A for some help if he knows your husbands story. All in due time.
Hope this Helps.
If there is anything that I learned in AA is how many people tried the geographical cure for their addictions. They would say I want to start all over again at a new city,state,province,country, and find out that they brought the problem with them. The old cycles would continue until they were willing to seek help.
Think about this 1 second and throw it away if you wish.
What if the roles were a little different. What if the new person who moved in was an A attending meetings and has a program and everything but the other people on the street were practising alkies daily. How would this person feel?
I am stuggling through recovery. My next door neighbour is an addict, another is an alcoholic, another is an alcoholic/addict. My other next door neighbour is a group of teenagers partying all the time. Who knows what all is going on over there. I know they are hitting something a little hard once and a while.
A while back the wife and I decided "We can't live here no more, look what's happening to the neighbourhood." It used to be fairly quiet most of the time.
We decided not to move. BTW the neighbours was not the only reason we wanted to move. Anyway, we stayed in the same place. What if we moved, who is to say that the new neighbours will not be alcoholics or addicts. It is an awful lot of money to find out nothing has changed. Maybe a new location but those practising, using A's can be anywhere.
Maybe your husband will recruit this person into the program some time in the future. Please, don't rush anything though. If everyone knows each other so well on your street, it won't take long for the new guy to find out who drinks and who does not. Maybe, one day new guy will approach your sober A for some help if he knows your husbands story. All in due time.
Hope this Helps.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
Meg, I think panic would have been more the feeling that I would have. We have SEVERAL in our neighborhood and have learned when to call and not to and well you know the routine. But panic of a "new one" especially that close would be the better emotion for me. That knot in the stomach, sick feeling. Not because of who they are, but because of my A wanting to "hook-up" with them.
Although at the moment I am feeling like we are on solid ground, I would still have the twinge! Just remember, it isn't our job to judge, or to "help" his situation. Keep focused on yourself. I am sure there is a reason for him being there.....one you may not know may not ever know, but God does and I am sure it is a good reason!
Try and enjoy the weekend,
Constant
Although at the moment I am feeling like we are on solid ground, I would still have the twinge! Just remember, it isn't our job to judge, or to "help" his situation. Keep focused on yourself. I am sure there is a reason for him being there.....one you may not know may not ever know, but God does and I am sure it is a good reason!
Try and enjoy the weekend,
Constant
Learning to love life...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Still in the dumps,
Thank you for your honesty and insight. I have thought about the neighbor, and of how he may feel... after all, I know what my husband has been thru. It's not that I think little of the person that has moved in; I barely know him. I think my tendancy is to panic, to protect, to withdraw etc. ONLY because I know what the disease can do. My husband is helping me to put things in perspective. I have thought about the wife of this man... I wonder if she suffers silently like I have. Is she admitted? Is he? I think how wonderful it is that my husband could be of some help perhaps... sometime down the road. AND I think of how all of this is NONE of my business. I am getting far to concerned about things that really don't concern me. Humph.... Guess I need to remind myself how darn CODEPENDANT I still am .
Constant: I love that. I love that you made me see the gift in my precarious situation. OF COURSE my HP is working here! Why is it that we have such trouble seeing and believing his magic? And yes... I get the "twinge" too... What if my husband gets a little too "friendly" one day and ends up drinking with the guy? The thought HAS crossed my mind a few times. Are ya surprised?
Meg
Thank you for your honesty and insight. I have thought about the neighbor, and of how he may feel... after all, I know what my husband has been thru. It's not that I think little of the person that has moved in; I barely know him. I think my tendancy is to panic, to protect, to withdraw etc. ONLY because I know what the disease can do. My husband is helping me to put things in perspective. I have thought about the wife of this man... I wonder if she suffers silently like I have. Is she admitted? Is he? I think how wonderful it is that my husband could be of some help perhaps... sometime down the road. AND I think of how all of this is NONE of my business. I am getting far to concerned about things that really don't concern me. Humph.... Guess I need to remind myself how darn CODEPENDANT I still am
.Constant: I love that. I love that you made me see the gift in my precarious situation. OF COURSE my HP is working here! Why is it that we have such trouble seeing and believing his magic? And yes... I get the "twinge" too... What if my husband gets a little too "friendly" one day and ends up drinking with the guy? The thought HAS crossed my mind a few times. Are ya surprised?
Meg
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Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: The Thin Ice
Posts: 96
When I opened the thread, did not realize I was visiting Al-Anon.
Constant, thanks a lot for the quote above. I never really thought of the "hook-up" thing too much in regards to how the other side feels. It gives me a better understanding when my wife seems to be not too happy with me when I talk to some of my neighbours. It does not mean I will "use" with the neighbour just because I talked to him. I also have to remember for myself the slippery people places and things. If you sit in the middle of "I 95" or the 401, a car will run you over eventually (or quickly). So I don't spend a lot of time talking with my A neighbours. Sometimes my wife follows me around like a lost puppy dog to see who I'm talking to and join in the conversation. I suppose she is afraid that I may get myself into trouble. Who is she trying to save or protect, me or herself? That's O.K. it makes it more difficult for me to get in trouble.
Don't shoot me for this line:
For step 1, I don't have to convince myself that I am powerless over alcohol or addiction. I already know what I am. I have to believe that I am powerless over self (self-will). I have to drill into my head "God's Will, NOT Mine!" (HP if you prefer).
But panic of a "new one" especially that close would be the better emotion for me. That knot in the stomach, sick feeling. Not because of who they are, but because of my A wanting to "hook-up" with them.
Don't shoot me for this line:
For step 1, I don't have to convince myself that I am powerless over alcohol or addiction. I already know what I am. I have to believe that I am powerless over self (self-will). I have to drill into my head "God's Will, NOT Mine!" (HP if you prefer).
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
StillIn The Dumps
I would say your wife is trying to protect you....at least if she feels anything like I do. I am learning how to let go and I understand that I have no control over anyone else, but we so desperately want our spouse or loved ones to succeed that we "help" too much. What we thought was helping we have learned that we were trying to control and that is useless. I love my husband dearly and want nothing more than for him to be healthy and happy and I realize that he has to achieve this for himself. So glad that you are aware of the "slippery slopes" as I am sure most are if they have admitted to an addiction, but it is those (like mine) that are still teetering in dangerous territory, thinking "they could handle it" that cause me to have the twinge of the "hook up" with a fellow user.
I am sorry if I have over stepped the line, but I felt I needed to clarify why I feel that way.
Constant
I would say your wife is trying to protect you....at least if she feels anything like I do. I am learning how to let go and I understand that I have no control over anyone else, but we so desperately want our spouse or loved ones to succeed that we "help" too much. What we thought was helping we have learned that we were trying to control and that is useless. I love my husband dearly and want nothing more than for him to be healthy and happy and I realize that he has to achieve this for himself. So glad that you are aware of the "slippery slopes" as I am sure most are if they have admitted to an addiction, but it is those (like mine) that are still teetering in dangerous territory, thinking "they could handle it" that cause me to have the twinge of the "hook up" with a fellow user.
I am sorry if I have over stepped the line, but I felt I needed to clarify why I feel that way.
Constant
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Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: The Thin Ice
Posts: 96
Constant, I don't think you crossed any line that you should not have.
Thanks for sharing your experiences with me. I don't understand my wife and she does not understand me (in regards to the A problem). I have my program and she has hers. Thanks for helping me understand her side a little bit more. BTW I know that "I can't handle it" (not even just one). I have found that out the hard way.
Have a great holiday weekend!
Thanks for sharing your experiences with me. I don't understand my wife and she does not understand me (in regards to the A problem). I have my program and she has hers. Thanks for helping me understand her side a little bit more. BTW I know that "I can't handle it" (not even just one). I have found that out the hard way.
Have a great holiday weekend!
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Southern Maryland
Posts: 169
just a thought
I don't think I read anything about the new neighbor's wife. If she lives with him drinking openly while caring for their young boys, bet she could use a friend.
As much as this guy scares you (that is, his problem crossing the boundary into your life), her life is already being damaged.
Maybe you have an ally in her that you hadn't thought about.
As much as this guy scares you (that is, his problem crossing the boundary into your life), her life is already being damaged.
Maybe you have an ally in her that you hadn't thought about.
Learning to love life...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Thanks Eyes open,
Yes, I have thought about his wife, and how she might need / want a friend... I have met her a few times, but don't really know her yet. The kids enjoy playing together so I am sure we'll get together eventually.
I can't imagine how I would approach her subtly, just to let her know where I am at with alcoholism / alanon... and that I am here for her etc. It's not something easily brought up . For now, I will just enjoy meeting these new people and try to keep my nose out of their business .
Thanks guys
Meg
Yes, I have thought about his wife, and how she might need / want a friend... I have met her a few times, but don't really know her yet. The kids enjoy playing together so I am sure we'll get together eventually.
I can't imagine how I would approach her subtly, just to let her know where I am at with alcoholism / alanon... and that I am here for her etc. It's not something easily brought up
. For now, I will just enjoy meeting these new people and try to keep my nose out of their business .Thanks guys
Meg
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