balance my alcholic son and my family

Old 07-27-2007, 05:14 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
Let Go Let God
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
look back on the last year or so .. how long have you been coddling your as for ?? and exactly what has your coddling done for him ? has he changed for the better ?
is it still a roller coaster of him drinking and causing chaos in his life and yours ?? how long are you willing to live like this ?

Seriously , I know how easy it is for me to give 'hard to hear' advice and the second I receive some 'hard to hear advice' , its notso easy ! But you have to put it into perspective . He will carry on without you and the only thing you will miss is the rest of your family if you dont go .
LGLG07 is offline  
Old 07-27-2007, 05:19 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
Let Go Let God
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
whao .. you pay his rent and health insurance ?? it straps you so that you cannot travel when you would like to ?? This is bad . You dont HAVE to do that , you CHOOSE to do that .

Its even worse that your grandchild is older , you should be leading my example how to live a healthy life and you are not doing it . Your life and your decisions that pertain to your life are completely dependent on another person .... does that sound healthy to you ?? not only are you dependent on another person but its another person that isnt healthy .

You have 2 choices . You can continue to be wrapped up in your AS's life and put your life on hold . Or you can run to an al-anon meeting , hate everyone in the room for telling you the rest of your family is right and you are hurting your son more than helping him ... and then keep going until you 'get it'
LGLG07 is offline  
Old 07-27-2007, 05:55 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
I'm no angel!
 
dollydo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
No, you do not need to pay his rent or his health insurance, he needs to do that, he does that by seeking a program, getting sober and getting a job.

He has you wrapped around his little finger, what will happen if you die? What will he do then? You have not allowed him to grow up, and you are fighting this progression, the progression of life he is entitled to, that to become a responsible adult, to fly on his own.

I know you love him, love him enough to let go and allow him to forge his own way.

Turn his life over to him, it is his right of passage.
dollydo is offline  
Old 07-30-2007, 12:53 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
Sunny Side Up
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
I guess you have to be honest with yourself and ask this question "What are you getting out of this?"

He is 34 for goodness sake, has an addiction that only he can work on or fix.

My son has drug and alcohol problems too. He is 24. I dont feel sorry for him anymore, because he knows there is alot of help out there and its up to him to live his life. As much as I hate seeing him like this, it is his choice and I had to accept it.

Why should your other children have to put up with this, and understand it. Victims like your son love the attention, why not give some back to your other children and grandchildren.

Look at it this way, you fear his death. I did too....... He isnt going to do anything like that why he has his mother bending over backwards for him, is he? Sorry, but if you went to birthday parties, and lived your life, and loved your other family members, he may take a little notice and start growing up.

It seems you have an answer for all his problems, but unfortunately you are giving him reasons to keep on doing what he has always done. Get out of his life and start living yours.

I know you love him, care and fear the worst but he knows that, and you need to start putting all that energy into your life and your other children. Right Now.
justjo is offline  
Old 07-31-2007, 09:50 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
I'm outta here @ least for now
 
losingmybrother's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by justjo View Post
I guess you have to be honest with yourself and ask this question "What are you getting out of this?"

He is 34 for goodness sake, has an addiction that only he can work on or fix.

My son has drug and alcohol problems too. He is 24. I dont feel sorry for him anymore, because he knows there is alot of help out there and its up to him to live his life. As much as I hate seeing him like this, it is his choice and I had to accept it.

Why should your other children have to put up with this, and understand it. Victims like your son love the attention, why not give some back to your other children and grandchildren.

Look at it this way, you fear his death. I did too....... He isnt going to do anything like that why he has his mother bending over backwards for him, is he? Sorry, but if you went to birthday parties, and lived your life, and loved your other family members, he may take a little notice and start growing up.

It seems you have an answer for all his problems, but unfortunately you are giving him reasons to keep on doing what he has always done. Get out of his life and start living yours.

I know you love him, care and fear the worst but he knows that, and you need to start putting all that energy into your life and your other children. Right Now.

Wow JustJo... What great advice.. I wish others would take notice and learn from your experience.. there is true wisdom in your words!
losingmybrother is offline  
Old 07-31-2007, 10:47 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: SC
Posts: 1,027
Hi-

I don't normally post over here but my husband is an addict, he likes xanax. I feel the words, drug addict and alcoholic are basically interchangable. The behavior is all the same.

I kept noticing that you kept writing this

I know what they mean, but he is my baby and child.. if he commited suside while I was gone.. how could I forgive myself?
If he really wanted to commit suicide, he's going to do it whether your there or not. Maybe while your gone to the store to pick something up. My husbands uncle felt the same way about his wife. They always had someone there, he quit working away from the house, if he left, their sons would come over and stay with their mother but it didn't stop her. He was HOME and was calling around for a hospital and she killed herself while he was in the next room.

My point is, you can't put your life on hold and neglect the feelings of your other family members to keep this one son on the straight and narrow. He is going to do what he wants to do regardless of what you think, say, do etc. YOU can't stop HIM, but you can stop yourself from feeling that helpless, overwhelmed, anger that so many of us codependents have. Please pick up the book Codependent No More and also the other book that was suggested.

Its hard, we all know because we've all been there with a loved one, some of us are still there but YOU can get better. ((((2much)))
Jwife22 is offline  
Old 07-31-2007, 10:51 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
Recovering Nicely
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
I needed to read this post today! I am beginning to think my D has some kind of problem. I suppose I've thought it for a while (she was always the "partier" of the family). She used to be responsible, trustworthy, etc. We were very close. In the past year she changed. She became manipulative (never having money and if I didn't give it to her, she'd say she won't be able to get to work and will lose her job, if I don't pay her car insurance, she will lose her job, etc.) but funny, she still doesn't have money even though she has a job. Two weeks ago, she supposedly paid extra payments on her car insurance to get ahead - yeah, right, last week, it was stolen by someone, and this week she came up with another excuse. So now she's broke again. My newly recovering AH (70 days sober now) is the one that actually pointed out to me that he thinks she has a problem (with all the lies that she componds with other lies and manipulation) and has detached from her and is helping me detach. He says she needs to hit bottom and climb her own way out. He also called her on it, suggested she get her act together and now she wants us out of her lives forever (of course, denial) but could call me up this morning to ask me for gas money. IMO, I think it's harder to detach from a child than it is from a spouse, but either way, an A is an A and you have to let them hit bottom. That's coming straight from an A's mouth (my husband). The more you coddle, the worse it is. Thanks for listening.
queenteree is offline  
Old 08-01-2007, 04:29 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
Sunny Side Up
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Wow Queenteree, isnt it an amazing realization when we realize our children are professional manipulators to their parents when the addiction is in full force. My son did all of what you mentioned. I fell for it all the time. Poor son, Its my fault because of the divorce, yep yep yep. All the right guilt buttons were pushed by him and it worked.
Then, it controlled my life so much, I was a mess. I started saying No more using me. Its not my fault you are doing this simply because I am your mother.
It worked and it did take 4 months but wow he got a job, moved in with some people, was actually smiling, calling me and couldnt wait to tell me how his life was blooming. He still has his moments of binging, but thats OK, I dont have to watch or deal with it anymore, as long as he doesnt come anywhere near me then.

The greatest lesson we can give our children is to let them be themselves and let them be responsible. When my son finally hit his bottom, he sat and hugged me and you know what he said to me.
:Mum, all I ever wanted was for you to be proud of me
I told him that I have always been proud of him, he is my son isnt he.
I dont have to like this habit he has though and he understands now.
justjo is offline  
Old 08-05-2007, 09:00 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 14
Hi all, Thank you for all your advice.. YES.. you all snapped me too.. I have to admit, at first I was taken aback that you all did NOT understand my plight.. I mean its my son. Could I be that off?

Although after further thought, prayer & reading the other posts, I cant help but feel a loss for all the years I have lost by coddling my AS for so long.. I have started with an Al-anon group.. I think its going to make a difference!

Take heed all you parents.. your alcoholic children WILL use you and manipulate YOU until you lose touch with reality.. I have missed so much of my other children & grandchildren lives.. I am NOW going to chose Al-anon and TRY to make amends with my children and grandchildren…

I feel such a loss.. I know it sounds strange, but I hope I can maintain this feeling, I think It will help me to be strong later.. Because, We all know its only a matter of time before my AS throws the guilt on me again.. (oh please LORD help me to stay strong)

Last edited by 2much2handle; 08-05-2007 at 09:14 PM. Reason: spelling errors
2much2handle is offline  
Old 08-06-2007, 09:05 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
Member
 
lionessa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: scottsdale arizona
Posts: 21
Choose Wisely, Insanity or Joy...Your grandchildren will bring you love and joy... Embrace the beautiful moments in Life, Let Go of the Insanity that sucks the Life out of you, no matter what you do for your sick loved one...One day you will realize you are powerless...Then you can learn to believe that a power greater than yourself can restore you to sanity...I have found serenity in my life today, Even when they did not get better, I Did! Thank God for my recovery! We all deserve Peace and Love
lionessa is offline  
Old 08-06-2007, 09:09 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
get it, give it, grow in it
 
Spiritual Seeker's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Alcoholism is a family disease. reading your posts is obvious that you are emeshed in your son's life to a point that is not healthy for either of you. On line you can find listings for al-anon mtgs. in your area. Any mtg. would be okay, but see if there are mtgs. specifically for parents of alcoholics (that is what I attend on a reg. basis)
Learn about detachment,enabling and co-dependency. You would be wise to switch your focus to your own recovery. That is the best thing you could do for yourself and for your son.
I've worked the 12 steps of Al-anon for 4 yrs. and it has changed my life like nothing else ever has. In my Opinion: Until you do this and learn to set boundaries and detach with love, your son has no chance of getting sober. Each of us has only one life..you included. It is up to us to make the most of our own lives and find our own joy. My 23 yr. oldl son has never been given any money due to his addiction. Therefore even as an addict he maintains a job and is financially responsible for himself. If I had enabled him through the last yrs. I'm sure he'd be dependent instead of independent. Get into recovery and you will see your situation differently.
Hopefully it won't be 2 much 2 handle. Good luck to you. your son is frustrating to the rest of the family and so are you. They only want what is best for you.
Spiritual Seeker is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:57 PM.