What do you think really motivates your anger?
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
what motivates my anger?
many, many emotions -
For me, I hardly ever feel just angry. There is always another emotion with that anger. Like if I'm scared and angry - I'm angry because I allowed fear in my life.
If I'm grieving and angry, I'm mad because something that I cherished has been taken from me.
It's not a bad anger - it is just the way my emotions are. I have learned to work with them. I know that once the anger calms down, then I can process down to the "heart of the matter" what I am truly feeling and some of the reasons why I am feeling these things.
I know today, that when I am filled with anger, I really need to take time to focus on ME. I need a quiet, safe place to vent my anger - either in a letter or conversation with my HP, phone calls to my sponsor/recovery friends, read some al-anon literature, attend a meeting. I really need to make sure that I try not to make any decisions until I have fully worked thru my feelings - my judgment may be off a little in the midst of this emotional state.
After processing these feelings, I may still have some anger feelings, but I won't be ANGRY.
Awesome topic with great input from others.
Thanks Prodigal,
Rita
many, many emotions -
For me, I hardly ever feel just angry. There is always another emotion with that anger. Like if I'm scared and angry - I'm angry because I allowed fear in my life.
If I'm grieving and angry, I'm mad because something that I cherished has been taken from me.
It's not a bad anger - it is just the way my emotions are. I have learned to work with them. I know that once the anger calms down, then I can process down to the "heart of the matter" what I am truly feeling and some of the reasons why I am feeling these things.
I know today, that when I am filled with anger, I really need to take time to focus on ME. I need a quiet, safe place to vent my anger - either in a letter or conversation with my HP, phone calls to my sponsor/recovery friends, read some al-anon literature, attend a meeting. I really need to make sure that I try not to make any decisions until I have fully worked thru my feelings - my judgment may be off a little in the midst of this emotional state.
After processing these feelings, I may still have some anger feelings, but I won't be ANGRY.
Awesome topic with great input from others.
Thanks Prodigal,
Rita
It is what it is
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
I'll give two examples of anger that have nothing to do with my ABF but of course my anger might not be in the correct proportion because of my anger/resentment toward him.
We are leaving on vacation tomorrow morning and we haven't been on a vacation in two years. Last year I loaned my exh the portable DVD player for our daughter and it had all the parts with it. I expected it returned the same way I loaned it to him, and therefore I didn't check it until today. I found out the main part I need it is missing. It's the harness for hanging it in the car. We will be taking an 8 hr car trip. He didn't need that part when I loaned it to him because they only went on a 1 hr trip but he wanted our daughter to have a DVD player for the week (tableside). I called him to ask if he'd seen it or if he even knew what I was talking about and of course he doesn't. The part that is missing makes the DVD player useless in the car without it. He had no consideration to return the whole thing as I gave it to him because it didn't concern him. Now I'm screwed because I can't rely on him to get the part (which they don't sell alone after checking into it) and he doesn't care because it's not his problem. First, I spent 2 hours researching and searching for the part or an alternative, then I searched to find out how much a new one would cost. Then I had to go out on my lunch hour and buy a new case and DVD player because you can't use the one we already have with the cases they sell. I ended up spending $150.00 I don't need to spend because of his irresponsibility. I also missed my Al-Anon meeting because I go during my lunch. All of this because I was nice to him and loaned him something. I trusted that he would return it in way I loaned it to him. I don't think that is too much expectation on another. I am livid with him. I also am mad at myself because I shouldn't have loaned it to him in the first place and left myself open to him screwing up and effecting me. Second I am angry at myself because I feel like he took advantage of my good faith and I allowed it. Third I am mad at myself because I should have checked it out the day he returned it last summer but I also know that if I inquired about the part the day after he returned it, the response would have been the same without him taking a second to think about it. (What part? I gave you everything back.)
The second thing I'm angry about is my mom who is nosy and intrusive in my life and gets mad at me because I don't want to share. It's my perogative if I want to share personal things with her and she doesn't get an automatic window into my life unless I decide I want to share. To her that's ridiculous. So she was being nosy asking if we were at counseling last night (playing detective) and then said she knew something was up (that's just annoying) and said "what do you think I'm stupid?" "I know what goes on over there and I'm sure you need it." And then proceeded to tell me I knew this wasn't going to work out with you two. He's got so many problems, blah, blah, blah, which I'm not saying she's not right, but when you're down and out, do you really need a know-it-all saying I told you so? I think not. I said I wasn't happy about her being intrusive and I didn't want to talk about our business right now and I'd be happy to discuss other things with her if she wanted. Nope, on she went calling me difficult and bizzare, etc. I said I really don't need her negativity and calling me names and again let's change the subject. Nope, she started screaming like a maniac so I said look I've got to go and she hung up on me without saying goodbye before I got off. My punishment for not sharing my business with her? She will be mad at me and not speak to me for a long time because of that. I'm the jerk. Whatever.
Third, I went to Verizon to return a phone clip that doesn't work for my phone. I stood in line for 20 minutes because they only have one person working in customer service because "everyone is in the middle of changing shifts" Clearly they have a ton of other people roaming around not doing a thing, but no one else in the store could complete my return. I finally gave up and left. I was angry. I don't feel that was me acting entitled. I wasn't mad that the one woman they had, had to help some guy who had a list of problems. I was mad that they didn't sufficiently staff the damn store. or don't duel train employees to do more than one thing when they are just standing around.
Now if anything I wrote seems to be me being an entitled, selfish, impatient, witch, then please tell me. I'd love to be less angry and if I can figure out how to do it.
Jenny
We are leaving on vacation tomorrow morning and we haven't been on a vacation in two years. Last year I loaned my exh the portable DVD player for our daughter and it had all the parts with it. I expected it returned the same way I loaned it to him, and therefore I didn't check it until today. I found out the main part I need it is missing. It's the harness for hanging it in the car. We will be taking an 8 hr car trip. He didn't need that part when I loaned it to him because they only went on a 1 hr trip but he wanted our daughter to have a DVD player for the week (tableside). I called him to ask if he'd seen it or if he even knew what I was talking about and of course he doesn't. The part that is missing makes the DVD player useless in the car without it. He had no consideration to return the whole thing as I gave it to him because it didn't concern him. Now I'm screwed because I can't rely on him to get the part (which they don't sell alone after checking into it) and he doesn't care because it's not his problem. First, I spent 2 hours researching and searching for the part or an alternative, then I searched to find out how much a new one would cost. Then I had to go out on my lunch hour and buy a new case and DVD player because you can't use the one we already have with the cases they sell. I ended up spending $150.00 I don't need to spend because of his irresponsibility. I also missed my Al-Anon meeting because I go during my lunch. All of this because I was nice to him and loaned him something. I trusted that he would return it in way I loaned it to him. I don't think that is too much expectation on another. I am livid with him. I also am mad at myself because I shouldn't have loaned it to him in the first place and left myself open to him screwing up and effecting me. Second I am angry at myself because I feel like he took advantage of my good faith and I allowed it. Third I am mad at myself because I should have checked it out the day he returned it last summer but I also know that if I inquired about the part the day after he returned it, the response would have been the same without him taking a second to think about it. (What part? I gave you everything back.)
The second thing I'm angry about is my mom who is nosy and intrusive in my life and gets mad at me because I don't want to share. It's my perogative if I want to share personal things with her and she doesn't get an automatic window into my life unless I decide I want to share. To her that's ridiculous. So she was being nosy asking if we were at counseling last night (playing detective) and then said she knew something was up (that's just annoying) and said "what do you think I'm stupid?" "I know what goes on over there and I'm sure you need it." And then proceeded to tell me I knew this wasn't going to work out with you two. He's got so many problems, blah, blah, blah, which I'm not saying she's not right, but when you're down and out, do you really need a know-it-all saying I told you so? I think not. I said I wasn't happy about her being intrusive and I didn't want to talk about our business right now and I'd be happy to discuss other things with her if she wanted. Nope, on she went calling me difficult and bizzare, etc. I said I really don't need her negativity and calling me names and again let's change the subject. Nope, she started screaming like a maniac so I said look I've got to go and she hung up on me without saying goodbye before I got off. My punishment for not sharing my business with her? She will be mad at me and not speak to me for a long time because of that. I'm the jerk. Whatever.
Third, I went to Verizon to return a phone clip that doesn't work for my phone. I stood in line for 20 minutes because they only have one person working in customer service because "everyone is in the middle of changing shifts" Clearly they have a ton of other people roaming around not doing a thing, but no one else in the store could complete my return. I finally gave up and left. I was angry. I don't feel that was me acting entitled. I wasn't mad that the one woman they had, had to help some guy who had a list of problems. I was mad that they didn't sufficiently staff the damn store. or don't duel train employees to do more than one thing when they are just standing around.
Now if anything I wrote seems to be me being an entitled, selfish, impatient, witch, then please tell me. I'd love to be less angry and if I can figure out how to do it.
Jenny
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
(((jenny))) Your post reminds me of what I was like - I finally figured out how to boil it down to one thing: I felt I had no control over my own life. So I was angry at everyone and everything. Going to meetings and practicing the steps was key for me. I hope the vacation goes well.
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by Rella927 
Wow flashback! I did this cage for so long-I had the anger kicking of her and the A at the same time! I worked on my mom/codie issues first-the focus was so set on not allowing her to have power over me-I finally reached a point with alot of help in counseling and my sister and 2 of my brothers-that I accept her for who she is and she is not going to change-I love her for who she is as a person and realize she was not dealt a very good hand in her life and she did the best she could with us. She is older and does not see and probably never will that she does i.e. says the things she does and I accept it and learn to REACT to her differently when she gives me unwanted advice. We have alot of fun together now because it is not worth losing anymore time with her than I already did in life.
A shame I did not grasp on to this with the XABF until later than I did!
Still a codie in progress!!
A shame I did not grasp on to this with the XABF until later than I did!
Still a codie in progress!!
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