veryregretful

I told my AH to leave yesterday. It was done peacefully. I think that I shocked him. After all the times he threatened to leave I finally called him on it. I feel very sick about it. I miss him already. What a great birthday present that I gave my kids. Their birthday is on Sunday. I called my AH yesterday and invited him to come to a little party on Sunday and he thought that I wouldn't want him to have anything to with the kids but I told him you are still their father and the kids love you and still need you. I wouldn't keep them from him as long as he is sober. I feel the need to call him right now and tell him to come home but that would do any good for either of us. He needs to get sober before I can have him come back home. My door will always be open to him if he gets sober. The kids called him yesterday to tell him they love him and miss him and to get better and they want him to come home. I think it is important for them to tell him that for the AH's sake of knowing they love him and also the kids sake of knowing that their father will be a part of their lives. The kids are will be 12. Tell me if I'm wrong.
He went over to my friends house yesterday, her H works with my AH. She told me he was crying, not crying like I do, but a guy's cry. He told her that he won't be drinking anymore so if it's true great. We'll just have to take that one day at a time. He was also telling her about how we met and the things we used to do and things he still wants to do. He can't believe that I told him to leave. He was very surprised.

I want to call him right now but I won't because I don't want to push him any farther away than I already have.

My friend asked him if he would go to therapy? I have an appointment this morning at 11:15am to get something to sleep and to get a list of therapists. I need to work on myself. He told my friend he would go to the therapist if it would help me. He had always refused to go. Maybe this is he way of trying to get help if it means helping me. I'm also going to get therapist for my kids and bring them to alateen. We have done the alateen meetings before but that created more confict in my household. After I get home from the doctor's I'm going to call and make an appintwith with the therapist.

I have a very good support system right now. His family is great and my family is great. They are all concerning about him and him getting better and also they are concerned about me and the kids. I'm very surprised that his family is concerned. His sister keeps emailing me and my BIL is calling me. And his mom is very supportive also. I don't want the kids or her to lose the relationship they have.

I am very scared that this won't be his bottom and he won't get better but I have to accept that fact. This is where I think that I need a therapists help.

Ten minutes later now and I still want to call him. How sick am I??????

Writing this down helps me alot. I really need to start journaling. I think that would be a release of all the mixed up feelings I have in my head.

This is a difficult question for anyone to answer but if it's possible what is the success rate of say if you told your ah to leave and he gets sober and you get back together?

Thanks for listening and I have to get back to work so I can take my mind off this for a little while.

cagefree

I have similar feelings about my XABF. My therapist once told me that relapse is a part of recovery. It changed my way of looking at it afterwards.

Wow! You are so strong! You want to call him - we've all been there and I'm sure you've read thread after thread of our struggles to maintain no contact - I'd cut yourself some slack. Everything in it's own time.

I think you did great

veryregretful

I just talked with his cousin and he helped me with not calling him. He was telling me that this is the time for him to figure out his head and his wants and if I keep calling he won't be able to fully focus on his head. That helps me a little.

Barbara52

Good for you! You took this step for you and your kids. Remember that when you start doubting yourself and your decisions. Remember that sometimes the most loving thing to do is to be a real hardass.

I think the idea of therapy for the kids is a good one. They will benefit from talking to an impartial person. I hope you find a good one.

Barbara52

Yes a therapist can help a whole lot with these issues. Mine sure did.

I know my AH hasn't hit bottom yet. He's in denial big time and thinks I'll be back soon 'cause he stopped drinking (12 days he's says). I suspect that until his utilities get cut off for nonpayment, til he really hits bottom, he won't take action to help himself. His choice. I will not step in to rescue him. He needs those real life consequences.

Give yourself time to absorb the changes you are going thru. Its ok to focus on you just as your AH needs to focus on himself.

Rella927

My XABF has gone through....3 DUI, Jail, will be doing more jail time, totaled his car, had surgery for a hole in his stomach, in debt among who knows what else now-but yet keeps smiling and laughing through the whole thing! I use to hear "I have not had a drink in 6 months"

He was right he had probably about 101 plus in 6 months! Not ONE!

He I believe IMHO has not hit his bottom or at least not when I was last in contact with him! As long as he can keep getting away with not taking responsibility for his actions he may never hit his bottom!

Do not beat yourself up so much! Cage said it perfect I think you did great too!

queenteree

veryregretful,
20 years ago, I left my then A boyfriend (who is now my husband) for three weeks while I put a plan in place to get him put out of our apartment (I had 3 young kids). During those 3 weeks, I had no contact with him. If he called, I hung up. Before the 3 weeks were up, his sister in law called me to tell me that his mom was taking him to detox and rehab. I said she was wasting her time. He did go to rehab and remained sober for over 14 years, during which time we got married, and had a wonderful marriage and relationship and he was great father and husband. About 3-4 years ago (I lost count), he started drinking again, it spiraled out of control, two months ago he again went to rehab and is now 60 days sober and working the program. I'm getting to know him sober all over again, and in the beginning it was tough, but it is getting better. So, it can be done. I hope it all works out for you.
Teree

veryregretful

He did come here to today to get his boat to go out on the ocean. So I saw him for a minute. Yesterday he said was his last day of drinking and I know that in the cooler in the boat was waters and ice teas. We'll see when he brings the boat back how he will be. Usually the boat and beers go hand and hand. The boat is here because it is both of ours and we aren't yet at the point of splitting things up yet? His friend said that my AH said he was stopping drinking fom him not anyone else so I hope I can believe him. Only time will tell. I have called a few therapists and I am still waiting for them to call back. Hopefully they will call back tomorrow.

Thanks for the responses

kglast

very - in my situation, it has been three months since we broke up and unfortunately, it seems nothing has changed....i am still hopeful he will get sober some day but am going on with my life in the meantime. best wishes.

parentrecovers

good. i'm glad he's gone, for your sake. blessings, k

123onelove456

(((((((((((((((veryregetful))))))))))))))) SO so so sorry to hear you are going though all this stuff with your husband... I completely understand about 2nd guessing your decision I went through this with" MY ENTIRE FAMILY " other then my brother but I haven't seen him in 15 yrs.. But for the good of my children,husband, and I It was the best decision I could make..... My life was also messed up not to mention my kids life's.... Oh every time we (whole Family) was together I come home feeling completely drained emotionally Physically spiritually it would take me a week or so to get better.... That was Alanon meetings Speaking to my sponsor and church minister......... SO I really do know how you feel.... IT has been 1 yr 1/2 since I FINALLY said I have had enough of the alcohol and SICK SICK behavior ...... My husband children and I are doing good... but we have our moments when we miss my Family but then see how wonderful it is with out their sick behavior around... We love them and it hurts ME so bad I have NO FAMILY... MY mom died 7 yrs from this horrible diseases... And it still hurts me!!!!!

Anyways love ya...

123onelove456

prodigal

This is a very emotional and painful time for you. I'm sure you are emotionally exhausted. Try to keep in mind that he is making promises to you and himself he probably cannot keep unless he's willing to get into A.A. It's a baffling and confusing disease, and it's an equal opportunity destroyer. My AH has promised to stop drinking to me, to folks in three different rehabs, and to who-knows-who. But he never worked a program with a sponsor. I finally had to look at his actions, and they didn't show me that he was sincerely invested in his sobriety.

You can hope he hits his bottom and seeks recovery. That's what it generally takes for someone to admit they are powerless over alcohol and want to enter treatment.

Take care of yourself and your children. Sometimes all we can do is get out of the A's way and let them choose to seek recovery - or not.

veryregretful

When he did come back from the ocean he didn't have any alcohol. So he has one day so far. (Big Deal) But at least it is a start. He also asked about my therapist (which one hasn't called me back yet) and he said he is willing to go there. I'm not going to have contact with him until Sunday for the kids birthday. I have asked my niece's husband who I think is an alcoholic and my sister who is an alcoholic not to bring any alcohol to this party. If he is true to himself and his sobriety then people should understand and go by my rules of the house. No alcohol. Period. Yesterday, I emptied out all the alcohol I had in the house. My house is alcohol free.

As of this moment, 6:00am, I've been at work since 4:30am, I have not had the urge to call my AH. I know the urge will come later but I'm going to keep busy at home this afternoon by lying in pool, then wash carpet to get puppy stains out and cleaning. Hopefully all that will keep my mind off him. My friends daughter is going to take the kids for a few hours for me so I can have time without worrying about them and they can have some fun time which I am very greatful. I can concentrate on myself. I didn't get to read yesterday so may this evening I'll have some quiet to read the book get them sober.

Thanks all, you have been all very supportive and helpful.
XO

kglast

enjoy your reading...getting them sober is GREAT.