I ran into the exA tonight and I wasnt ready......
 

I wanted a nice walk on the beach in the beautiful weather and who just happen to be there but him meeting a friend of ours (his) to roller blade. I wasnt prepared for this and I have been crying for an hour now. We were only a few feet apart and ofcourse he did even acknowledge I was there. I was trying to leave his freind when he came up. Didnt even barely look my way and all I could do when I walked away was cry....and it sucks because he doesnt shed a tear. I got the impression that I was to blame and was told yeah he doesnt want to see you....
I did find out that he went to a 30 day intensive treatment and is in meetings. But he may be sober now but he still is emotionally impotent and cold. SOmething I would have sworn he never would be at one time....I was wrong... he is and he casts all blame on me.
The one thing I do know is that he was no longer attractive to me...I would never dance that dance again with him ...ever. But it just brings up so much hurt and negative emotions, and that makes me mad becasue where is his???? OH yeah he doesnt have any....what am I thinking.
I was sooo messed up and couldnt even remember where I parke dthe car and had to walk around to find it just to leave.
I guess the first contact had to happen, just wish I had been prepared more. I see there is no reason to ever talk to that guy again. Nothing could ever fix what he did to me. I dont want any answers or comments from him, I dont want even tears. Maybe I wouldnt mind a few blows to the head of his but thats it.
Next time I see him it will be different. I hope not to react this way again. He is an alcoholic and an emotionally sick man. Nothing there for me,
Now just to process this emotion and go on with my new life.
How draining is this.............

((((sthrnraizd)))) I'm sorry you had to go through that. Up until a couple of months ago I used to worry about running into my exabf on the local mountain bike trails. I have been lucky it has never happened. I am a very firm believer that our HP is always looking out for us and only puts us in situations (like the one for you today) because there is some message or some thing that we are supposed to learn. Perhaps, your HP meant for you to run into him so that you could receive that message in the form of the realization you had i.e. "The one thing I do know is that he was no longer attractive to me...I would never dance that dance again with him ...ever." It doesn't make the bad feelings go away, but maybe its what you needed?

(((sthrn)))

I had something similar happen recently and my XABF was the opposite...and then he called me again (which I took as a blatant crossing of a boundary).

If he says something, if he doesn't say anything, if he makes a weird face, if he makes a happy or sad or grumpy or no face at all - it will still be shocking and weird the first time you meet in your new roles (no longer partners).

The way I look at it is now that the shock has worn off and, hey, I didn't curl up and die. I can handle it should it happen again and it will be easier.

Closer to freedom :)

((((sthrnraizd)))) So sorry you had to go through this and yes "Now just to process this emotion and go on with my new life.
How draining is this............."

It is worth every dance for our own well being! You are moving forward and that is a great show of strength that you showed to yourself by bumping into him. It is a painful situation emotionally but hey look you are aware of the situation and are moving in the right direction!

Focus on this new job of yours!! :Val004:

((sthrnraizd))

Hate that this was so painful for you - hope you are giving yourself tons of self-care and using the tools of recovery to process all the emotions that you are dealing with.

It may hurt right now, but please take comfort in knowing that you will not be in that pain forever - Your HP has brought you too far to leave you in that place of misery ever again!!

Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita

Sounds like he was embarrassed,to me. (and I'll bet he was looking at you after you walked away).

Glad to hear he went to a program.

Almost every time I see or talk to exAH I get all stirred-up emotionally;I'm trying to remember that it happens and not be so hard on myself and then go on with my day. It is getting somewhat easier most days.

Sorry you are hurting, but seeing you were not attracted to him,might have been a huge step in your own journey.

So sorry your going through this....i passed my ex the other day and it sent me spinning again but i keep remembering when we broke up on the 4th of July, he was fighting and yelling and he's a really handsome guy but i realized how UGLY he really was by his actions and reactions.....good for you for realizing that the inside is worth so much more than the outside :) Hang in there, it gets easier each day.

heather

Thank you everyone!~ I know that it was "time" fo it to happen. I needed it to happen.
It is like that was one last door closing on the past, only one left now to close. Then nothing that was will remain...all things will have been created new ;-)
I have cried over the pain, but not over him, nor us. The abuse will take more than 2-3 months to heal and thats ok.
I realize I do not need him to make ammends, I do not need anything from him. You only play with fire till it burns, ammends with us would do nothing for me and just be about him again, and Im not for that dance.
I was caught off guard but maybe my HP new thats what I needed to get right to the point. I had no time to put 'Me" in the situation, just react.
Things will settle down and I will keep doing what I am doing. Childish tanrum thoughts keep trying to inter my head but they serve no purpose and I choose to lay them to rest.
I am soo very thankful I am not him. I am blessed not cursed!~ My strength and comfort comes from my HP not a man nor a bottle nor medications. (sometimes I must remind myself of that)
It will be a good weekend....besides I have that new job to focus on and the 2nd revision of my term paper due tonight ;-o

hugs, k

((((sthrn))) sorry you had to go through that pain....we will all get through and come out on the other side - i just know it. keep on doing what you have been doing...best

Someone mentioned this on one of the forums here and it was so beautiful, I hope I can get it right:

Emotions are like a wave - let it wash over you and when it it's over, you can dry off and move on.

Sounds like you are doing just that Sthrn:)

I have dried off, and this experience was just what I needed. My life and myself are soo much better off now then when I was with him. My HP has truly delviered me and I feel like a walking blessing!~