don't know what to do anymore.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 157
don't know what to do anymore.
I want to ******* die.
im totally alone. I have noone. I feel like F**K loser. noone understands TRULY what I am going through. and its not just the F**K ex. F**K him. man i cant even type... i am crying so hard right now. i lost all support systems. im so alone. i have noone to talk to. and i have so many emotions towards such enormous things in my life right now... i cant even begin to explain. my brother is moving, so far away. it will be the first time he has ever left. i live with just me and my mom my bro and I dont know any other family. me and my mom are not close at all. we never ever talk. i just give her rent money and that is it. i feel like i have lost it all. my best friend has been ditching me too. Ive been being ditched by all my friends. how i hate them all. and i dont want to speak to any. and...i feel like calling him...... so bad to cheer myself up...because I know he would listen... but i cant tell him all my problems..... he has his own. but i want to so bad. he said I could if I need to. dont I need to now?
i feel like its all pouring on my head like a water fall. over and over. all this crap. things i cant control... are falling ontop of me and i cant take it. and now im typing on a F**KIN message board. ..... what the hell have I really become? last month my life was gran. i was so content. its like the devil have taken over my life. ive been having such scary and REAL feeling dreams lately. what is happening to me man? the way things/my luck is going, i wouldnt be suprised if i get hit by a truck or something...i come home from work everyday and just cry.....i just cant take it anymore...
im totally alone. I have noone. I feel like F**K loser. noone understands TRULY what I am going through. and its not just the F**K ex. F**K him. man i cant even type... i am crying so hard right now. i lost all support systems. im so alone. i have noone to talk to. and i have so many emotions towards such enormous things in my life right now... i cant even begin to explain. my brother is moving, so far away. it will be the first time he has ever left. i live with just me and my mom my bro and I dont know any other family. me and my mom are not close at all. we never ever talk. i just give her rent money and that is it. i feel like i have lost it all. my best friend has been ditching me too. Ive been being ditched by all my friends. how i hate them all. and i dont want to speak to any. and...i feel like calling him...... so bad to cheer myself up...because I know he would listen... but i cant tell him all my problems..... he has his own. but i want to so bad. he said I could if I need to. dont I need to now?
i feel like its all pouring on my head like a water fall. over and over. all this crap. things i cant control... are falling ontop of me and i cant take it. and now im typing on a F**KIN message board. ..... what the hell have I really become? last month my life was gran. i was so content. its like the devil have taken over my life. ive been having such scary and REAL feeling dreams lately. what is happening to me man? the way things/my luck is going, i wouldnt be suprised if i get hit by a truck or something...i come home from work everyday and just cry.....i just cant take it anymore...
Last edited by pineapple2007; 07-25-2007 at 04:08 PM. Reason: typo
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
It's good to type all that out here and vent in a place where people understand.
Most of us have all felt this way from time to time too. It's so hard while we feel that way, but, trust in the fact that you won't 'always' feel this bad. These horrible moments will pass.
And, you are not alone. Trust me...you may not see our faces, but we are here for you. You didn't find this place by accident....there's a reason you are here. Trust that! Use it! Keep reaching out.
Have you thought about also calling a crisis hotline in your area? Reading words can be comforting and very helpful, but sometimes hearing the soothing sounds of a human voice helps too.
Where in Canada are you? Perhaps I can help you to find an agency in your area to get you over this 'temporary' hurdle?
Keep coming back!
Most of us have all felt this way from time to time too. It's so hard while we feel that way, but, trust in the fact that you won't 'always' feel this bad. These horrible moments will pass.
And, you are not alone. Trust me...you may not see our faces, but we are here for you. You didn't find this place by accident....there's a reason you are here. Trust that! Use it! Keep reaching out.
Have you thought about also calling a crisis hotline in your area? Reading words can be comforting and very helpful, but sometimes hearing the soothing sounds of a human voice helps too.
Where in Canada are you? Perhaps I can help you to find an agency in your area to get you over this 'temporary' hurdle?
Keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
Ohhh hunny....I am so sorry you feel the pain that you are....and it hurts a lot we all know that...cuz we have been there too.
It gets better every day... I know it doesnt feel like that right now but believe me the last thing you want to do is go backwards...stay the course - there was life before him and there will be life after him.
And besides hun....this message board is the best way to vent and get it all out ....why? because we are here 24/7...what therapist is??? None. And you are talking to people who have been through it.
Just vent away....we will be your whipping post darlin.
((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))
Janitw
It gets better every day... I know it doesnt feel like that right now but believe me the last thing you want to do is go backwards...stay the course - there was life before him and there will be life after him.
And besides hun....this message board is the best way to vent and get it all out ....why? because we are here 24/7...what therapist is??? None. And you are talking to people who have been through it.
Just vent away....we will be your whipping post darlin.
((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))
Janitw
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
honey, whatever is going on with you we are all here to help you through it.i am sorry your brother is moving away.is there anything else going on you that you would like to tell us? today is just one day.tomorrow i hope will be better.hugs & prayers,
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Really, take this and run.
GET TO SOME ALANON MEETINGS!!
They are great for support, more then you think.
Get involved. Share your story, listen to others.
This will help no matter what you think now.
GET TO SOME ALANON MEETINGS!!
They are great for support, more then you think.
Get involved. Share your story, listen to others.
This will help no matter what you think now.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
Pineapple......I am writing to you because I care just like every single person who has replied to your first post. Yes, this may be cyberspace but it's also another way to meet people and make friends. Nothing wrong with using US as your support system.
We're here and we're real!
ARL (another Canadian)
We're here and we're real!
ARL (another Canadian)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 157
thank u to everyone.
dollydo i just turned 22 years old....
i just feel like listing each and every single thing....but im embarrassed.
I feel like its getting worse every day. when i think about what I have lossed... so much in such short time. i came back from vacation to hear my bro got a job offer in a different province/state.... the next day he excepted, 1 week later (today) he says his moving date is Aug 13..... all this pressure .... and pressure to come.... i start back school (college) in sept..and i dont even want to go back. ..... god there is so much.....
dollydo i just turned 22 years old....
i just feel like listing each and every single thing....but im embarrassed.
I feel like its getting worse every day. when i think about what I have lossed... so much in such short time. i came back from vacation to hear my bro got a job offer in a different province/state.... the next day he excepted, 1 week later (today) he says his moving date is Aug 13..... all this pressure .... and pressure to come.... i start back school (college) in sept..and i dont even want to go back. ..... god there is so much.....
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Pineapple,
At your age and your brothers age, one wants to spread their wings and fly. Perhaps your brother is at that stage in his life. Just because he is leaving the nest doesn't mean he is leaving you.
Todays society is very mobile, my brother, who is 11 years younger than I lives in Georgia, I live in Florida...we are closer than ever, we talk every week and visit each other a couple times a year. He has his life and I have mine, yet, we are so very close.
You are very stressed right now, don't let the stress overwhelm you, the world is full of wonderful people who you can befriend and share your time with, school is an excellent venue to meet new people and make new friends.
Life is what you make of it, and attitude is a big part of it...be happy that your brother is starting his new venture, support him....and....start a new venture for you, new friends, new experiences, new opportunities.
Life is a song worth singing, sing it!
At your age and your brothers age, one wants to spread their wings and fly. Perhaps your brother is at that stage in his life. Just because he is leaving the nest doesn't mean he is leaving you.
Todays society is very mobile, my brother, who is 11 years younger than I lives in Georgia, I live in Florida...we are closer than ever, we talk every week and visit each other a couple times a year. He has his life and I have mine, yet, we are so very close.
You are very stressed right now, don't let the stress overwhelm you, the world is full of wonderful people who you can befriend and share your time with, school is an excellent venue to meet new people and make new friends.
Life is what you make of it, and attitude is a big part of it...be happy that your brother is starting his new venture, support him....and....start a new venture for you, new friends, new experiences, new opportunities.
Life is a song worth singing, sing it!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
((((((Pineapple)))))))
Vent, rage and tell us everything. Your secrets are safe.
You could be my daughter! I have a son your age who went through hell and back over the past few years but things are getting better for him now. He had his share of disappointments and, as is prone to happen, the disappointments feel insurmountable when you are young and just beginning to live. And I could tell you my own stories of heartbreak at the same age; experiences which actually made me stronger with time.
I couldn't really tell my mother most of the stuff that was happening in my life either because she was very critical and judgemental. It helped to have friends but often it felt like they weren't there either because they were pretty wrapped up in the things that were happening to them. Journalling helped me then. Today, you have therapists and counsellors....you could probably find one via your college campus health service. And, as has been suggested here, Alanon might be just the ticket for you....helping you to deal with feelings about your exBF and also as a way to understanding more about who you are among like-minded people.
Please keep posting!
More hugs!
ARL
Vent, rage and tell us everything. Your secrets are safe.
You could be my daughter! I have a son your age who went through hell and back over the past few years but things are getting better for him now. He had his share of disappointments and, as is prone to happen, the disappointments feel insurmountable when you are young and just beginning to live. And I could tell you my own stories of heartbreak at the same age; experiences which actually made me stronger with time.
I couldn't really tell my mother most of the stuff that was happening in my life either because she was very critical and judgemental. It helped to have friends but often it felt like they weren't there either because they were pretty wrapped up in the things that were happening to them. Journalling helped me then. Today, you have therapists and counsellors....you could probably find one via your college campus health service. And, as has been suggested here, Alanon might be just the ticket for you....helping you to deal with feelings about your exBF and also as a way to understanding more about who you are among like-minded people.
Please keep posting!
More hugs!
ARL
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
The gneral rule is that if your depression is continuous for 2 weeks, see a Dr.
You really do have so much more ahead of you than you can possible imagine.
And that is still true for me too and I am 48.
You really do have so much more ahead of you than you can possible imagine.
And that is still true for me too and I am 48.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 157
ya but i am sure u have other family. and a mom, and a dad...maybe an uncle...aunt... kid....dog?!
i have NOONE! only my mom...but like i said we NEVER speak.. she doesnt know me...i dont care to know her...we live in the same house but she is pretty much just my landlord. i hate her so much...but thats another story.
anyways....i do wish him the best.... just another thing that caught me 100% off guard..thats like 5 things in a row...WTF! someone up there (or down there) really wants to defeat me.....
i have NOONE! only my mom...but like i said we NEVER speak.. she doesnt know me...i dont care to know her...we live in the same house but she is pretty much just my landlord. i hate her so much...but thats another story.
anyways....i do wish him the best.... just another thing that caught me 100% off guard..thats like 5 things in a row...WTF! someone up there (or down there) really wants to defeat me.....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
Pineapple.....my father is no longer alive, my mother is a continent away as is my brother. One sister lives in the same town as I do. Another lives on the other side of the country. Two of my siblings let me down badly recently....that hurt. (I found this wonderful book and it has helped my healing. It's called Why Do I Love These People by Po Bronson....very readable and the point the author makes is that we don't get to choose our family. ) I have an almost ex-husband so no joy there. Two children (one still at home because he's studying and the other living 4 hours away because he is making his own way). I only moved to this city a year ago in order to re-build my life. Oh....STBXABF? He hasn't helped this process either. I am as much on my own as you....well....I have a dog. (On that note, there are lots of dogs at the SPCA who wish they could be walked regularly by volunteers!)
ARL
ARL
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Pineapple, I am sorry for your pain and loneliness and anger.
I spent quite a great deal of time really on my own and alone. It was both good for me and bad for me. In some ways I love being alone now. However, I also isolated myself far too much when I was depressed, lonely and sad.
This site and al-anon is really a good start. I have friends here whom I have known a very long time and they are real friendships, we have been through the ups and downs together and probably have talked more openly than anyone we know up close and personal.
Later in life, I chose to move to a country far away all by myself, knowing no one and not knowing the language. It was a challenge and both a trial, some of the hardest struggling I did and also the best thing I did. I proved something to myself that now no one can ever take away.
Does that make any sense?
I spent quite a great deal of time really on my own and alone. It was both good for me and bad for me. In some ways I love being alone now. However, I also isolated myself far too much when I was depressed, lonely and sad.
This site and al-anon is really a good start. I have friends here whom I have known a very long time and they are real friendships, we have been through the ups and downs together and probably have talked more openly than anyone we know up close and personal.
Later in life, I chose to move to a country far away all by myself, knowing no one and not knowing the language. It was a challenge and both a trial, some of the hardest struggling I did and also the best thing I did. I proved something to myself that now no one can ever take away.
Does that make any sense?
Live, Laugh, Love
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Between Fenway and the Beach!
Posts: 1,301
Originally Posted by pineapple2007 
I want to ******* die.
im totally alone. I have noone. I feel like F**K loser. noone understands TRULY what I am going through. and its not just the F**K ex. F**K him. man i cant even type... i am crying so hard right now. i lost all support systems. im so alone. i have noone to talk to. and i have so many emotions towards such enormous things in my life right now... i cant even begin to explain. my brother is moving, so far away. it will be the first time he has ever left. i live with just me and my mom my bro and I dont know any other family. me and my mom are not close at all. we never ever talk. i just give her rent money and that is it. i feel like i have lost it all. my best friend has been ditching me too. Ive been being ditched by all my friends. how i hate them all. and i dont want to speak to any. and...i feel like calling him...... so bad to cheer myself up...because I know he would listen... but i cant tell him all my problems..... he has his own. but i want to so bad. he said I could if I need to. dont I need to now?
i feel like its all pouring on my head like a water fall. over and over. all this crap. things i cant control... are falling ontop of me and i cant take it. and now im typing on a F**KIN message board. ..... what the hell have I really become? last month my life was gran. i was so content. its like the devil have taken over my life. ive been having such scary and REAL feeling dreams lately. what is happening to me man? the way things/my luck is going, i wouldnt be suprised if i get hit by a truck or something...i come home from work everyday and just cry.....i just cant take it anymore...
im totally alone. I have noone. I feel like F**K loser. noone understands TRULY what I am going through. and its not just the F**K ex. F**K him. man i cant even type... i am crying so hard right now. i lost all support systems. im so alone. i have noone to talk to. and i have so many emotions towards such enormous things in my life right now... i cant even begin to explain. my brother is moving, so far away. it will be the first time he has ever left. i live with just me and my mom my bro and I dont know any other family. me and my mom are not close at all. we never ever talk. i just give her rent money and that is it. i feel like i have lost it all. my best friend has been ditching me too. Ive been being ditched by all my friends. how i hate them all. and i dont want to speak to any. and...i feel like calling him...... so bad to cheer myself up...because I know he would listen... but i cant tell him all my problems..... he has his own. but i want to so bad. he said I could if I need to. dont I need to now?
i feel like its all pouring on my head like a water fall. over and over. all this crap. things i cant control... are falling ontop of me and i cant take it. and now im typing on a F**KIN message board. ..... what the hell have I really become? last month my life was gran. i was so content. its like the devil have taken over my life. ive been having such scary and REAL feeling dreams lately. what is happening to me man? the way things/my luck is going, i wouldnt be suprised if i get hit by a truck or something...i come home from work everyday and just cry.....i just cant take it anymore...
stay strong.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Canada
Posts: 157
Originally Posted by Wanttobefree
Pineapple2007. We are here and we are real. Type away and let us all listen to you. We care.
thank u. thank u all so much. i wish i had positive words to comfort u all... all of u that are going through a hard time...or those of u who are going through a hard whole life.... ((((hugs)))) to ALL.
besides the F***ing breakup.................
what is also upsetting me is that.... i am putting myself through college (MY PROGRAM IS SOOOO HARD! [3 year program]) i have made the Dean's list/honour roll 3 out of 4 times so far... but i never get a congrats from my mom...all my life during school... she or anyone has never celebrated my acomplishments..... or come to my graduation for middle school and high school.... never asked about my report cards, or congratulated me on my straight A's in college.....
Everyone fights to get on the Dean's List in college....
the semester that just passed-i told everyone- it was the hardest semester EVER!!!!! and i got my first C grade (C+) .... and i was sure i wasnt going to make the List.....but for some reason i made the Dean's List (got the letter in the mail the other day) but i couldnt even smile about it ... i was just blank.. no emotion..like it doesnt even matter anymore....
no one supports me.. so i have to support myself...and I usually take those big extravagant vacations (5 star resort, etc, etc)... well I did for the first time, ALONE! Last June 2006 and i had to do it again...so I saved all year to do it again... (first week of July 2007) and it was ruined (as u all know)..... so ya.... maybe u can all see why I am SO upset... and my bro moving ties in so perfectly(!!!!!!!!)... because now my expenses are going up (my mom will demand more $) so I cannot leave or save towards another vacation...because she will complain "oh u can afford trips, give me more rent money!!!" and perhaps kick me out ...because she is like that.
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