planet

I have never asked my AH to quit drinking. I have just threatend him if he doesn't cut back I would do this and that. Though I never had the guts to follow through. The other day I laid it all on the line because I was done. So he didn't drink for 4 days but along those 4 days he keep asking could he drink. Finally last night I told him my boundries. I am not a person to disagree with drinking if it is done within a social setting and not over used. (know what I mean) So I told him that I wanted him to stop asking me for permission. If he wanted to drink that was his choice. I told him I wasn't sure how much drinking I could tolerate being around. But if he chose to drink and I felt it was more than I cared to see, or be around I was going to ask him to leave. There would be no please give me another chance. If he left he would have to get help and start recovery before I let him back in my house. We have two kids together my oldest is 3. Since my speech about drinking of course he took it as it was okay to drink. So he gave my daughter a kiss and she said eeeww you smell like beer. He was not happy about that. Was this a bad move on my part? I was tired of him asking and since I know he will only quit when he wants to so there was no sense in saying you can't drink. I am so confused right now and lost on what to say to him or not to say. It's like my boundries move.

denny57

I'm not sure what the boundary is; do you think he does?

You say "I'm not sure how much drinking I could tolerate being around." If he is alcoholic he cannot drink socially. What are YOUR limits?

MsPINKAcres

You say you are confused - so maybe you aren't sure what your boundaries are at this time.

Can you take some time for you to think about some clear boundaries? what could be acceptable and not acceptable behaviors?

For me, any boundary that I am not sure about it difficult for me to communicate clear to another person. It helps if I take time to work on me and what I want.

Just what helps me.

Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita

splendra

A boundary that moves huuuummmm....if you had a piece of property that the property line kept getting smaller but you had to pay the same taxes how wold you feel about that?

An A will push on any boundary you set in place if they can knock it down then it is not a real boundary....

aztchr

From a different point of view, when things start moving around boundary lines, earthquakes can occur.

When I had enough personal discontent and "earthquake" damage, my boundaries became firmer!

planet

I guess I am more frustrated that I have been put in this situation. I never dreamed this is how my adult life would turn out. I am so confused I don't know what I even will deal with. I am not sure what I cosider acceptable behavior. UGH Life sucks right now.

sunshine321

So maybe that means you are "done" yet. The only thing I know for sure is if you make a threat, make sure you mean it. Empty threats aren't taken seriously and why should they? Your boundaries will be firm when you are ready to make them permanent. By the way, I don't think you said anything inappropriate to him because you are right, you can't tell him not to drink. You aren't his mommy. But you did state that if he drank too much that you wouldn't tolerate it. So did he not drink enough or is it that you haven't figured out what your limit is? A's cannot drink socially. At least I don't know one who can. And I totally understand your confusion and I feel the same way about not thinking my adult life would turn out like this. I don't want this life as it is either and I'm working on what to do about it. But it's not going to happen overnight. Go easy on yourself.

Jenny

Mair

PLANETXXXX lay down the boundries when you are ready, you will get to the point where you CANNOT take anymore; and it does come and then you will find it easier to enforce. My xab tried the controlled drinking it doesnt work, he'd be proud that he had 4 beers and gone home but it was a strain on him and the next day it would be 6 beers and before you know it it was back to normal.

Planet keep posting and reading here, i have learnt so much from others in the same situation worst situations it's the best advice you'll ever get. take care of you.

M

LaTeeDa

The thing about boundaries is they are not for anyone else, they are for ourselves. So, with that in mind, I don't think it's always so important to articulate them clearly to anyone else. It is, however, extremely important to know what is unacceptable to you. And to have some plan as to what you will do (notice do vs. say--actions speak louder than words applies to us just as much as the alkie) when unacceptable behaviors occur.

And, I think it's okay if boundaries move sometimes, but it would have to be my choice to change them based on what is best for me, not the influence of someone who doesn't like my boundaries.

L

hello-kitty

Examples of boundaries that I use. Maybe this will help you.

1. I will not allow anyone to physically or verbally abuse me.

2. I will not knowingly believe or support lies.

3. I will not allow chemical abuse in my home.

4. I will not allow criminal behavior in my home.

5. I will not rescue people from the consequences of their alcohol/drug abuse or their irresponsible behavior.

6. I will not finance a persons alcoholism or other irresponsible behavior.

7. I will not lie to protect you or me from your alcoholism, addiction, compulsions, and obsessions.

8. I will not use my home as a detoxification center for recovering alcoholics.

9. If you want to act crazy, that s your business, but you can t do it in front of me.
Either you will leave or I will walk away.

10. You can spoil your fun, your day, your life - that s your business. But I won t let
you spoil my fun, my day, or my life.

11. I will set a special boundary if I feel it s necessary to a particular relationship.

12. I will set up boundaries, and in doing so, I will make sure they are my own
boundaries.



If a boundary is broken, I will IMMEDIATELY address the situation by pointing out that the behavior is unacceptable. And depending on the response, I will remove myself from the situation or have the offender removed. IF the behavior is again the law, I will call the police immediately.

Realistic consequences for someones actions. And protecting myself. And enforcing my boundaries. That is the key to survival.

dollydo

To me,bounderies that are clearly set and are not kept, is just another form of nagging.

If an alcoholic could control their drinking, they would not be alcoholics, and there would be no issue. When there is an issue, there is a problem.

Just my thoughts,

ICU

That's been my take on boundaries too. They are for me, and only me! No 'need' to share them. They are guidelines/reminders to 'me' as to what I 'will or will not accept' in the way of behavior from another person.

Besides, I've always felt that if I had communicated 'my' boundaries to 'someone', it would give him an opportunity to 'try' and manipulate the situation to his advantage (which he was a master at). Of course, this was during a time when I was particularly vulnerable to him and he 'knew it'...could take it to the bank...or rather, the local liquor store!!

I also don't have boundaries without an action plan in mind in the event that my boundaries are violated!

That's just my view and how I work it.

8675309

I have had similar conversations with my AH in the past. Telling him that I can't take the effects of his drinking and so on. He would "cut back" for awhile, maybe a month or two and then we would be right back to the old behaviors, then another fight or conversation and the cycle would begin again. We even had one conversation where he completely denied that drinking had anything to do with our problems. My response was go ahead and do what you are doing and when I'm done, I'm done. That was in October of last year. I am now done. We haven't been living together for almost three months now and I refuse to let him back in as long as he denies the issue and refuses to make a change. He has committed to cut back but that isn't good enough for me. Been there done that and not doing it again. He may never decide to work on the drinking issue and that is okay, it is his life. I have to do what is right for mine.

You are correct, it is his choice to drink or not to drink and it is your choice to live with it or not. You can only change you. That is one of the hardest things to accept in my opinion.

When you know what you will allow yourself to be subjected to, your boundries will become strong.

Hang in there Planet.

FormerDoormat

"I guess I am more frustrated that I have been put in this situation."

Realizing that I wasn't placed in my situation, but rather I CHOSE my situation was the key to my recovery. A "movable boundary" isn't a boundary at all. It's more a guideline which only leads to confusion on your husband's part and keeps you stuck in an unacceptable relationship.

If your husband is an alcoholic, and he sounds like he may be one based on what you've posted so far, then he can't drink socially. For alcoholics, it's either all or nothing. Have you tried Alanon or read any books on co-dependency? If not, that may be a good place for you to start.